A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

Hello,

After the latest interaction with H, I realize, after almost 3 years, I am still the enemy in his mind. I am still to blame for his struggles of fathering S, I badmouth him to everyone including S, and I conspired to live in the house and keep the dog.

Crazy is no joke.

Enough is enough, I am tired of competing with that.

Once again, something clicked in me. I am totally shut down and very tired of this.

Today I had a consultation with a L. For $175 and an hour (the first 1/2 was free) I was able to get some clarification of what D will look like for me. She was wonderful and no doubt has my back. She told me true separation does not take place until one of us communicates with the other that we want a divorce. So, the clock is still ticking on marital benefits and I should not push H to say he wants D, or M timeline stops. All assets will be valued and split 50/50, she told me to stop pushing H about getting back only what I put into the boat and RV, she said keep those for value consideration. I told her I don't want anything but my home and out of this. She said I could be short changing myself and S future by thinking that way, and she is right. I could even negotiate the house in lieu of his retirement. She looked at our W2's and said right away his $1300 a month is not fair, he has paid no child support. At the end, she said I seem unsure of what to do and suggested I talk to an IC to help me to decide, and suggested I stop letting H do his cakeeating otherwise this will never change. I told her, I do this for S, he loves us all together. She said, but it's not real. Your S is not seeing affection or connection between you and H, is that the quality of life you want for you both??

She was impressive and gave me tons to think about. Bottom line, I should be fine financially and possibly able to keep the house or afford to rent one to keep S in his school with his friends. Those have been my biggest concerns.

Next step, I will set an appt with IC. That was actually already my plan. I am ready to talk things out with someone in preparation to end this situation. I want more for myself and my S. H is a bundle of negativity, he has been for a long time. I feel light, positive and happy, and no longer compatible with him. There is no longer a place in my world for him. My H died in August 2013. This man now no longer fits in my world, he is a stranger to me.

I have been NC with H and have no desire for any different.

So, we shall see how this plays out. I am not going to rush into anything, I am getting facts and information, guidance and advice, and listening as the answers are coming. One step at a time, slowly.

[mleigh4]

I forgot to say, I have needed to break free from the MLC world. I put away all my books and stopped reading them. I stopped thinking and breathing MLC, it has consumed me for way too long. I don't even know if that is what this is, according to H, I am way off. It's time to leave H problems to him and God.

I have also not been coming to the boards much. I pop in here and there, it's hard, I care so much about so many of you. I just need to distance myself from this right now. I have been giving it too much power and control. I think I finally get what Job has been saying to me all along. I thought I did before, but it's different this time.

I think I am finally dropping the rope? I love you guys and will keep checking on you as I can.

Xxx ooo (hugs)

[bttrfly]

love you too M ... do what ya gotta do girl xoxoxoxoxo

[job]

I'm glad you finally spoke to a lawyer about what you can and can't receive from a divorce. I'm also glad she pointed out the caking eating and what needs to happen w/that situation. Speaking to an IC will help you sort out some things that you've been mulling over for a while and hopefully you will come out of the sessions feeling better about a number of things that have been swirling around in your life.

Taking a break from the forum is a good thing because it helps you to step back and really focus on you, your son and your situation. You do what you need to do the protect yourself, your son and your assets. No matter what you decide, you will be fine and yes, my dear, you are a survivor and a success story!

Hang in there and do what is best for you and your son!

[CaliGuy]

M

Like many things our timelines have always been so similar ... You sound grounded and strong. The line about the 'death' in 2013 is something I too have felt and said. The bad part is the physical ghost that has us holding on for them to wake up, and all the sudden in an ironic twist it's actually us who wakes up

I too will check in from time to time and hope nothing but the very best for you !!

[ciluzen]

Wishing you good things, Mar. Take your time, all that you want. I know this is not an easy decision, but you have been handling your situation with patience and class. Only you can know how much you can take.

[2Times2Many]

M, you sound strong and in control. Your L is a gem. So glad you you found her. She sounds very wise in ways other than the law.

IC has saved my sanity. Glad you've decided to do that.

I get wanting to stay away from the boards but please check in now and then and let us know how you're doing.

[Sotto]

I'm glad you found a good L. She sounds grounded and supportive. I've been happy with my L and it does make a world of difference when you have confidence in someone.

I understand about needing a break from the forum. I also still feel like I'm 'living the sitch' and I sometimes think forum contact reinforces that. I'd like to progress to just 'living' again at some point!

Good luck to you from me xx

[HaWho]

Mleigh - so glad you found a good L. I hope you find a good IC, too.

I am thinking of you and wishing you continued peace. You have great fortitude, truly.

[mleigh4]

Hello all. Boy, I sure find myself drawn back to the boards to check on you guys. It became such a habit for me, but I do see it keeps me mentally from moving on much. Lou said it well in her post. I think in the beginning it is very necessary, but as you start letting go and moving on, it's good to keep your focus on other things. I am still here, just trying to live in MLC land less and less. Thank you all for your well wishes, I think of you all often and also hope the best for you.

So, I am still NC with H. Drop offs are quick. Today when he brought S home, I met them outside. No need for him to come in anymore, I am changing that routine. I also have not been able to say bye to H...I know, a bit childish, but I just don't feel like it....I give my love to S and off I go.

I have my first IC appointment next week. I am looking forward to talking some things out with her, I really hope it helps. I spent time out with friends this weekend and really enjoyed myself. I have plans made every weekend in May, so my GAL is in full swing. Friends asked about H yesterday, how he is, say they never talk to him. I just say, I really don't know but he seems ok. I always keep it short and no ill words. Simply, the H we all knew and loved was a good guy and I think we all know that deep down.

H remains "gone" in my mind. I have been holding onto hope that he would come back, but I am not seeing that happen right now and I must move on. I really do not like the guy I deal with today, he is nothing like the guy I fell for.

Who knows what the future holds, but right here and now, my H is gone and has been for a long time. I miss him dearly and it's hitting me a bit, accepting that. I went to a celebration of life yesterday, and felt I had so much in common with the family who lost a good man. It's time to really let him go and I have been living in that train of thought.

Today, thank you to Bttrfly idea, I wrote down H, birthdate, our marriage date and his name. I also wrote a beautiful tribute that I got from the ceremony yesterday. I burned the paper and said my goodbyes to H. It felt right and I feel ready. I wanted to share the tribute with you guys. I hope those of you who have reached this point of letting go find some comfort with it.

Dear husband,

I thought of you with love today
But that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday
And days before that too
I think of you in silence
I often speak your name
All I have are memories
And your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake
With which I'll never part
God has you in his keeping
I have you in my heart