I am sorry that you find yourself here. As Cherry says, this is a supportive community all of us are in a similar sitch or have been in one before.
I also agree that you should read DR today. And go through all of the links that Cadet has shared. It may take reading them multiple times to get it to set in.
Unfortunately, this can be a very long and painful process. You may find that H waffles back and forth for awhile, is completely inconsistent, or tells you tomorrow that he is done, wants a D, and will never look back! Try not to hang on his every word. Don't believe what he says because he is running on emotions. He is scared and confused too--even if he appears self-assured, he is not!
My H did this for a year! Long story, but it was a complete nightmare and I fell apart. Now we have been back together for over a year and finally moving forward. I was scared, confused, and my self-esteem was in the toilet! So what did I do? Reacted, beg/pleaded, got angry, ignored, etc, etc, and it was all based on fear! So I ended up pushing H further and further away!
In my opinion, people see DB as a way to win back their spouse. I think it is really about self-growth, learning to self-love, and breaking co-dependency. If your S is willing to work on themselves and commit to the M, then you will be better able to work on the M. If they don't come back, then you have maintained your dignity, and will have the confidence to know you deserve better.
Just my 2 cents, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Appreciate response. H seems convinced of the outcome he wants and hung up on the fact has been four months. But I will keep in mind about not believing everything he says. I am scared to write and give letter since could give him push he needs. It's his bday Sat as well so not sure if that plays a role at all?
If he were to say he was done, I know it's good to acknowledge his feelings and let him know I'm there for him. but could I say that there are other steps can take to try to work on and relieve tension? He may not share my opinion but we should do everything we can and have ending be last resort. Ugh feel more defeated then ever.
Ok feeling low tonight. H went out with work team. Sitting here at home knowing OW most likely included. Feeling real angry, maybe more emotions then have before. Know learned to have minimal dialogue about MR but looking back to last few months maybe would have been better to initiate more instead of letting be. I am known for bottling things up and keeping to myself. It's just hard when the person you know is disappearing. It has been unspoken what we are going through.
I have been thinking about our misc. lately. I want to open up and let him know making me down.
I am so sorry. It's the worst. ... Have you had time to read the links that Cadet sent you? I would suggest rereading them several time. Before any interactions with H, go back and reread.
I don't have a lot of advice for you, this is an incredibly delicate time, but I will say a few things.
1. Take care of yourself and let that be your number one focus. This is hard, but the most important. Baby steps. 2. Try and start working on detachment and taking a giant step back from H. Try not to let him consume your mind. 3. There is no rush to do anything right now. No letters, no reaching out, and you don't need to tell him anything about where you are at and what you are feeling. He doesn't get that right now. Less is more.
We are here for you. Take it day by day. Breathe. You are in a crisis, but you will get through this.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Please take special attention of Blu's advice. It really is the key to taking care of yourself in this challenging time. It will not feel natural, and most certainly it is counter intuitive, but it is the best way. Caring for yourself will make you feel stronger, help you endure the difficult emotions and thoughts.
There is much support for you here, and the folks here understand first hand your struggles.
Take care of yourself, be gentle, and you will make it through.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Jzmill, I'm sorry to see you hear, but your in the right place.. we have all gone, or are going through, the same type of situations and there are some really knowledgable vets who can give you some really sound advice. You want to make sure to provide as much info on relationship as possible so they can get some insite into what issues need to addressed. For example did you spend time quality time together, how was the relationship prior, any intimacy, who initiated, arguing, has he said or acted unhappy before this... Also, has he given other reasons for unhappiness?
There are lots of Relationships that are saved using techniques found here, I just caution you not to act on anything when your in an emotional state, cool off before making decisions.
Praying for you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thanks for feedback... Checked links.. Cont. to do techs from similiar prog have. I go on walks and excuse myself at times to give space. We still watch shows weeknight/ends (going through motions) so being wise not to be obvious. Doing good not to react when he makes plans after work and respondong ok. Trying to take care of self. Think feel rushed since his mind seems made up (don't see how can change?) and has been a while since talked about R and tension remains.
M has been good overall, not much fighting, spent a lot of time together. Lots of laughs. Went to movies/dinner at times. Now suggest and he declines. I had R experience before us, but he did not. He has more confidence now which is why I feared these new feelings and lack of exp. I acknowledge and working on own flaws (driven by fear of losing, not deserving him, unintentional nag, speak before think, preferring to save then spend). I see have taken small things for granted. When trying, intimacy became chore and I declined more then should have.
H didnt expand much on unhappiness. I learned that what S shares its not the real reason for the sit. We had ducks in a row and now have beautiful home and ready to start family. Why would he not want to try to reconnect. So painful to even think about.
Alrighty..so was with H in car other day. Song came on basically about having feelings for someone. At home I can excuse myself/get drink etc, when emotions build but had nowhere to go. I tried hard but said "stupid song" and must have looked irritated. Then H shook head and matched my emotion..Dissapoonted in self. Prob took step backwards. will use that as reminder not to let happen again.
First of all, I AM NOT A VET. But I am a man. Your H is confused. I think that being a W in this sitch is a positive thing. I say GAL like a MOFO. BE AWESOME. BE BEAUTIFUL. DO YOU. He is confused and I think still loves you but does not understand his feelings for some fluzzie in his office. F$%K Her. She is nothing to what you are. She is a fantasy in his mind, but not a reality yet. I think if he thinks he has you and can explore the OW, he will. If he feels he is losing you and knows he does not yet have anything with this OW, he will come running back to you.
What makes you happy? What do you enjoy?
Focus on doing things for yourself, and DON'T sit around waiting for him. I know, I know, that's hard to do in this early stage. It doesn't seem to make sense. I seriously believe that the sooner you implement some serious GAL, the sooner he will re-commit to your M.
There is nothing you can say @ this point to change his mind. So do things for yourself and be mysterious. guys hate mysterious, they want to understand. That's a good thing for you, but don't drop your guard to soon. He will temp check. He will Temp Check. He will Temp check. Don't fall for it, He is in an EA even if the OW doesn't have a clue. Listen to the vet's they know their @#$%.
I think cubebot brings up some good points. It is so hard when your confidence has been shattered, but the more you can regain that confidence and strength, the more it will attract him back.
How have things been going lately?
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
