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#2672348 04/27/16 05:25 PM
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Jzmill Offline OP
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Hello, Have been M to H 6yr/T 12. He is 30 me 32. He let me know in Feb has been sorting feelings since Jan. He said unhappy but cares and loves me In later convo turned into no feelings at all. He mentioned lacking confidence so didn't explore before we were "us." It was painful to take in. we had a miscarriage in Dec but he said not relevent.

by accident (through linked device) saw msg to a male coworker friend, that H has a crush on their coworker. She may be aware but do know from the convo that hasn't been reciprocated. Still painful he is w/ this person and placing his attention away from our marriage. I question if this is why he feels he has lost feelings for me?

I have been patient, positive, checking emotions, working on me, no relationship talk. I got defensive at beginning but then learned to handle better. We are still in same bed, watch tv and hug good night (going through motions). I suggest fun things to do but a bust so far. He will ask me on errands but not looking into that gesture that much. Other things have slowly gone like kisses, I love you, wearing ring. He told me not to worry that everyone at work knows he is married. I said still bothers me and symbols he is avail.

He doesn't feel unhappiness and loss of feelings has room in marriage is fixable. And he is not sure he shares my thoughts on rebuilding and getting through together. In last couple wks he looked up twice info on D so that was unsettling to see. I have an exercise letter to write from a similar program that hopefully will help me get thoughts across. I feel defeated somewhat but trying to keep going. Would appreciate feedback from similar experiences. All I know we can get through and be stronger got it. hope he realizes it as well.

Jzmill #2672394 04/27/16 11:05 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2672858 04/29/16 11:24 AM
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Jzmill Offline OP
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Thanks for the info. I understand the importance of patience and checking emotions and other techniques. What is tough for me is that I am doing all this work behind the scenes to make a shift possible and my H could make a decision in a second. Guess wish there was an easier way to get him to realize that the answer is to give us tthe opportunity to work through the tension to rebuild together, and not get caught up in how it feels in this moment (like it would last forever).

Jzmill #2672859 04/29/16 11:26 AM
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2672872 04/29/16 11:56 AM
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I'm also in the situation of having a husband who could announce a decision at any moment and doesn't think people can change.

I'm trying to focus on living a good life so I don't feel like I'm waiting for H to give me permission to live.

It's not easy.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Mar 2015
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Welcome to the board, and sorry you find yourself here. Maybe he has found the miscarriage hard to deal with? Were you far along? Or see a C or anything at the time.

You'll find they all follow a script, especially where an A be it EA or PA is involved.

I know the pain, and I know it will feel unbearable right now. But most of us are in the same boat so can support each other.

Have you read the DR or DB book? If not, get them and read them asap. Read the homework cadet gives you, the more insight you have the better.

Seems impossible right now, but you need to look after you. Take it day by day and step by step. Keep posting.

We're all rooting for you


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Cherry #2672974 04/29/16 09:09 PM
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Jzmill Offline OP
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Appreciate the support ladies..

The misc. was at 3 months. I know it was tough on him and I think it is more relevant then he believes. We were watching a movie where someone had one and I was a blubbering mess. He comforted me which felt good.

I have not read DB but the M prog. I did along with the podcasts were helpful. Even tho it's not an EA thus far, still painful. not being able to meet his needs right now and Not saying ILY has been tough and I miss the simple things. Resentment has been building up but doing best to check that.

Rooting for you as well.

Jzmill #2673271 05/01/16 10:22 AM
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It would have been hard for him too, I think men like to feel like the problem solvers, and would look to making sure you are ok. It most probably hit him hard too, but admitting this may make him feel he isn't strong or "manly"

The DR book is really great. You realise how much of this is script. And I find helps me focus and regain some patience.

It is hard, I too miss the simple things. Sometimes you look at them when they seem all miserable and you want to hug them or kiss them, but this essentially is what we want right now, not necessarily them. So we must learn to love them from a slight distance. Read up on the lighthouse story and start to make changes with you.

It is difficult, but take it slowly, be gentle and kind with yourself


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Jzmill #2673287 05/01/16 10:58 AM
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Does he know that you know about his crush on this OW?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2674007 05/03/16 02:04 PM
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Jzmill Offline OP
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I did let him know I was aware. He said I was mistaken and he would not betray me. Even tho feelings are on his end I feel betrayed and sad. His focus is outside of us.

The other day He told his parents projects that we needed to do like build a wall in backyard. Future things? Keeping the peace? Confused since has been looking up D info. And the next day told male friend that he feels like a coward has not ended things yet. But fears aftermath. His friend told him not to. Wish he had better role model/support to encourage working on.

So feel like holding onto cliff with a couple fingers. Still need to write end of program letter. Holding onto only hope I have left that can salvage.

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