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Starting new thread as >100 posts on last thread.

Previous threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2659515&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2669140#Post2669140

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2669145#Post2669145

Married 18 years, wife has been emailing ex-boyfriend for at least 9 years before I discovered. When confronted she wanted separation. I exposed her after trying to get her to stay for 3 weeks. She pretended to be reconciling and gaslighted me instead, secretly planning D and then filed in February 2016. WW about to move out at the end of this week.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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CWOL

I am replying to your question for your last thread.
You tell people what you feel is best to tell them.

IMHO, it is important that whatever you say that you do so with a feeling of love and forgiveness. I say this because for me I do have anger at my WAW for what she is doing. I do have love for her and I would jump at the chance to reconcile after we have both looked at ourselves and improved in the needed ways. I love her as she is the mother of my children. I am angry at her for the anger and mean things she has done since her decision to walk away.

I must stay true to the future so when I am asked or share I say we are separated and we are both working to take care of our children and we are sorting out our individual priorities.

Whatever you choose to say, I encourage that you do it with the future in mind. Do not say anything that would create an image of her or you that you would have to explain or justify in in the future if things were to get better or the opportunity to reconcile came up.
Also I believe that doing this or anything with love and forgiveness, will only help you heal better, grow stronger and be able to do all thT you will need to to be the man only a fool would leave.

Take your emotions out of the reply, keep it simple.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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SadHub,
I think most of the people will be quite shocked when they hear that she moved out. They've always seen the three of us travel in a pack wherever we go. I'm don't want to lie about anything yet not give too much information that will end future chances at R.

When I told my close friends before, I've always ended with "I would gladly reconcile with WW if she can NC the OM and truly commit to our marriage."


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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CWOL

Shock from them is to be expected. Some will tell you they are sorry, some will want juicy details, and some may just feel uncomfortable when it comes up. You will feel most uncomfortable, but you have to choke down the pride and be wise with whom you share and what you choose to share.

IMHO do what you feel is right when sharing, just be sure to keep the future in mind, do it with love and forgiveness in your heart, and do it cautiously.

Folks love to have things to gossip about and the fewer details outside of the simple facts that you are separated,taking care of the kids, and that you are working on things is what I try to go with.

I read a wise post on these forums once that said something to the effect of, don't act on what you feel, act on what you believe and know is right. That will always guide you in the right direction.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 626
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With WW's impending move in just a few days, how should I plan for this? I think I mentioned before about a painting that her father gave to us as our wedding present. She wanted it and explicitly wrote about it in her filings. Well, it disappeared when S11 and I took our trip. I asked her about it before and she said it's "hers." I said, wait a minute, it was a gift to both of us (and could be quite valuable), we need to decide in the final settlement, you can't just take it. By that time I was getting angry so I walked a way. It was the same for a statue, she claimed her mother gave to her. But now I am thinking about it I distinctly remember buying it and paying for it myself. It is also mysteriously gone. This is something that has gone on throughout our marriage, she used to say (in jest, but now I see she really meant it), "What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine!"

So what should I do on Moving Day? Should I hang around and make sure things are not taken? I haven't told my L about those two items yet, I figured I would itemize everything to save legal fees. She's already taken half the plates, half the flatware, etc. It's going to be hard for S11 and I to sit there and watch her remove things from my house. It was already hard last weekend as she was cleaning out her closets, which is 70% of our total closet space. (I have no idea how she's going to fit all the clothing, purses, shoes, etc. in her apartment. There were so many things that still had price tags on them!) What do you guys suggest I do on that day? I don't want to be a jerk but I want her to be reasonable.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
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CWOL,

I suggest you take a video of all assets in the home, will be easier to track and make a list from the video. It was suggested W and I do the same.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Good idea. I have taken a bunch of pictures before but a video could be easier and faster to execute.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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JimKao's suggestion is best.

Itemize the list and have a video and or pics.

If you are there having someone else there with you is another suggestion.
Or you can take your s and go somewhere and have fun.

I unfortunately stayed, did not have another person with me and it was fireworks in my sitch. And she still took a few things from me and is holding them hostage. I wish I would have not been there so my girls did not have to see their mother act out the way she did, but that was just my experience.

Unfortunately the whole ordeal is not a pretty one but you have to protect you s and yourself at this point. WAW/WW are not going to be nice regardless of what you do at this point.

And a wise person told me in my thread it is just stuff, you can replace stuff. But protect yourself and child.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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In most states...until there is a court order dividing assets or a side agreement authorizing it....nothing "marital" (which is arguably everything but her clothes and truly personal items) is supposed to go anywhere.

If she wants half the plates and flatware...she's supposed to wait for the court order allowing her to remove it.

Considering her strategy...you might want to be there...with a friend who can make sure you stay civil and not get the cops called on you to make sure she doesn't remove things like "her" nightstand (which is part of a set that one or the other of you should receive in whole - partial sets are worthless), other furniture....half the kitchen chairs, half the couch pillows.

Read the court order carefully and then abide by it (because she's the one that petitioned for it - refer to it as "HER court order".

Change the locks as soon as she leaves so she doesn't reenter the next day while you're at work. Sometimes this can be achieved by changing the garage door opener code and then changing all the other doors so she can't get in without breaking in. Inspect all the windows too...she may be slick enough to leave herself an entry point on the sly --- just in case. (you may want to unlock a window too...in case your garage door doesn't open or the power is out and you can't get in --- as a backup).

You don't throw the locksmith thing in her face. Let her discover it later and get ticked off at you ...it's a good test to see if she actually tried to go in. If she gets mad about it...say, in a half joking calm non-vindictive manner - "I didn't know we were going to exchange keys to each others homes - let me know when you've made me a copy of your apartment key and we can trade up".


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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I don't think it's going to get THAT bitter, but I just want those two things back. I just can't believe she'd swipe something she explicitly named in a court filing, and think I won't notice it. I remember her father making a big deal about the painting and how it's an heirloom for us (over a hundred years old). He has since passed but I'm sure if he were alive today, he'd be ashamed of his daughter and be making sure the D doesn't happen.
I'm just going to ask her for the key back, and give it to S11. He'll need it if he comes home from baseball practice earlier than me. I'll just have to instruct him not to let her in without my permission.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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