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I am 37, she is 34, been married for 10 years . She works FT job , but just this month she did not include her salary our account. I work the part time job two or three times a week, 15 hours total on top of my full time job. I initially got the part time job when we had our second child to pay for extra bills; but now we have been using it to pay for extras and vacations. I also use the money, because I pay all the bills.

The family vacation we take every summer for two weeks, I have reserved the hotels, and when she said she wants to move out, she said I can cancel if I want, but she likes to see the children happy on this annual trip. And I couldn't dream of cancelling the trip, cause I want us all to be together,and saving up all year. I jump at things, specially, on a Saturday when sometimes she asks to have lunch as a family, then I get over excited.

I have really been trying to sort myself out, part of the history is that I have worked alot, and got complacent. She was home taking great care of our children, while I was working.And the amount she used to do, packing school lunches, putting children to bed, she did this and being organized , so she has been doing the two jobs as well. When I started to do these things, she said ..to little to late, you should have been doing these things years ago.

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Your story sounds very similar to mine.

The best advice I can give it what everyone says, dive back into yourself. Start working out hard, play hard, detach, and GAL.

The biggest key is, when she is starting to be nice, you almost need to take another step back, and know that it might not seem like the things to do, but it really is.


Me: 38 y/o
W: 38 y/o
Together: 10 yrs
Married: 7 yrs
S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15)
WBD: Sep '15
W's EA confirmed Oct'15
W Filed Dec '15
Personal awakening Mar'16
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I had something similar happen to me. Every year we do one or two tropical vacations at nice hotels. This time, it happened that the trip was four days after BD. I persuaded my WW to continue with the trip for the sake of S11, but we were miserable. She wouldn't show any affection toward me, was as cold as a fish, and never smiled the whole time there. I was the cheerleader trying to everyone to have fun. S11 did enjoy the trip but I'm sure he felt the tension as well. My hope that she will relax and think about reconciling was absolutely impossible.

I also considered when I discovered her EA to keep quiet about it until after the trip. But I think I would have literally gone crazy.

Point is, be prepared emotionally for what will happen on the vacation.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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I say cancel the vacation as your first step of detachment.
DB is a long endgame. Be aware that there is zero chance of turning this around on a Vacation. Just my humble opinion though.


Me37 W33
T:8 M:5
D3
BD 11/2015
EA+PA w boss 12/2015
S 3/2016

Im stronger because I had to be
Im smarter because of my mistakes
happier because of the sadness Ive known
and now wiser because I learned
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Originally Posted By: 1gr8dad
I say cancel the vacation as your first step of detachment.
DB is a long endgame. Be aware that there is zero chance of turning this around on a Vacation. Just my humble opinion though.


This is good advice. I should have clarified in my post, cancel it.
You're not going to have fun anyway, last thing you want on a vacation is stressing about your marriage.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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We have a trip to Europe planned for the summer.

The kids and I are definitely going. If H decides to stay in the marriage, he will come too. Otherwise, we will tell the kids about the issue a week before we leave, and he will stay behind.

Tickets were purchased before BD, so H's ticket is a sunk cost.

The only exception I can see is if H and I develop the ability to go several weeks without an R talk. In that case, he might come even while he is still undecided. (We are still sleeping in the same room at home.)


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Rose888,

Maybe you can trade in the H ticket for upgrades for the rest of the family.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
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Now there's a thought!


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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I would cancel that trip too or at a bear minimum, exclude her from it. You've got to detach and show her that you are moving on with your life without her if she chooses to continue down this path. This will not be easy. It may well be the hardest thing you've ever done. But you've got to prove to yourself that you are fine without her. When you are able to do that, she will start to see what she will be missing. You need to emotionally dump her and focus on yourself and your kids. If she wants to run, let her. You have no control over her so just let her be. Detach, 180, GAL and be the most amazing dad your kids have ever know.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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The thing about the vacation: you don't have to cancel it. However, you have to try very very very hard not to make it at all about fixing your relationship, or even making her happy, or. Enjoy the vacation. Let her enjoy her part of it. Interact with her if she initiates, but DO NOT talk about your relationship.

1gr8dad is right: you aren't going to turn it around on vacation. But you *can* db on vacation. But don't let her see the books or the website. And do not worry about what she's thinking or doing. If she initiates, listen and empathize and agree (as long as it's within your boundaries). Don't try to fix. Don't try to give advice. Don't complain, don't say you love her, don't do anything but listen, empathize, and find *something* within your boundaries to agree with.

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