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This is a topic that I haven't seen discussed here yet so I thought I would toss this out to the community.

One thing i realized in the last couple of days is that a big challenge that I need to work on is on Facebook.

My WAW/WW and I are still "Facebook Friends" and so I still see what she posts. After the A started she had started "liking" a lot of rebellious posts from sites like Two Drunk Ladies and ones that talked about depression from other. As a dutiful (and oblivious) H - I would dutifully also "like" many of these as well as posting supportive comments to the threads. In hind sight this was quite probably the wrong thing to do as it may have added to the smothering I was doing. I did this much worse after the WAW bomb drop last month with no reasons behind it. After I found out about the A last week I went on a minor spree of sharing simlar images that talked about hope. Again probably a mistake.

So - while I see her activity I am working on not obviously stalking. I will occasionally "like" the same thing but am trying to not have those be the relationship sorts. It gives me a good insight into her frame of mind and in the last two days have seen posts about rebuilding and home which I am trying to not read as hope.

I'm also using Facebook to find the community events I will be going to as part of my GAL. She'll see that I'm intending to go to these which I will without waiting to see if she also wants to go as well. One tough call for me was her family reunion which is in June. When I saw it I did hit the "will be attending" button - not quite going dark and detatching but I think that Sandi's "rules" are to quote Hector Barabosa "more like guidelines than actual rules".

I still have to stop waking up in the middle of the night to see when she was last online and worrying about her.

Last night - the actual first evening we've had together since WW bomb day a week ago I stopped her and told her that if she was wondering why I was distant it was because I was giving her space and that I needed to work on becoming the "me" I wanted to be. She commented a bit later that now everything is different in our relationship and that she knew that we had a difficult path before us. No mention of leaving and definately no asking. This is going to be a long tough road and I am grateful for this forum and community to give me an outlet.


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Andrew, I removed my WW from Facebook as a 'friend' would not treat me the way she is. She has never questioned it but I removed all the pictures of the 2 of us. I remember the day I changed my profile pic from one that was the 2 of us to just me and the kids, I got some apologies etc that I now see as her temp checking probably. It is hard to navigate the land mines they put in place and I did step on a couple but the other thing I learnt from Sandi is to stop telling them anything about you. Don't tell them you are working on yourself, why you are distant etc, just do it. The famous line actions speak louder than words!

It's hard in the house together but while mine was still at home I never asked her anything or told her anything about where I was going. She would give me all sorts of information about what she was doing and ask so many questions about what I was doing. It's a hard time but do your own thing without telling her..

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Sandi s rules are just guidelines. But I would urge you to follow them all for the moment.The concepts and ideas here take a while to understand and even longer to master. Once a good understanding exists you will be in a better position to determine if any of the rules should be bent or ignored.

I don't have your full story but based on what you have said I would delete your W from your friends list. You seem to think your posts will influence her. This type of thinking will keep your focus on her and off you, where it really needs to be.

Your W is having an A. Why would you do anything out of duty for her?. Your duty is to yourself. You need to start thinking for yourself. Getting up at night is nit going to help you, especially if it is to check on her online activity. Find a way to sleep. Not easy but you need to look after you and rest is important.

Why are you going to her family do in June? I would change that status on fb.But between now and then a lot could happen.No need to even think about that now.

Read the boundaries thread as well as detachment threads.


Sandi has loads of good insightful threads on WW.


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I blocked my WW as soon as she took 'married' off of her profile. I haven't been to her page since August. I also unfollowed some mutual friends who are more her friends to really limit what I see about her. The next step for me is unfollowing her family. I don't want to do that though. I love all of them a lot! I blocked her on all social media accounts I could actually. I don't regret it. She complains about it sometimes but tough luck, those are the breaks.

Do something about the facebook. It will drive you crazy.

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And that's where I have a big struggle. I believe that she's not committed to the A. I'm pretty sure there's been minimal physical contact in the last few weeks (not that I would know). I'm pretty sure that she had a pregnancy scare last week when her period was late (I "think" it arrived unless she's faking it) and at 50 I know that's not something she wants to contemplate.

From my earlier, now stopped snooping it seemed that the OM was almost more clinging that I am and I know that she doesn't like that. Sound travels in our house and last night I heard a lot of texts coming in - presumably from the OM. My hope is that me finding out about the A was her own bomb drop and took some of the thrill out of it. She got a raise at work yesterday and talked about how she felt loyalty to her employer and how loyalty was important to her.

While she's still in the house and we're pretending to the world that everything is fine I can still hope that in time there will be a reconciliation. If I were to even update my status to "it's complicated" much less unfriend her - that would raise a huge number of questions in our small town and shine a light on what is so far a relatively private matter. I'm not sure how she would react to that light but it would cause problems that might never go away. Other women in our area who were WW tend to get shunned by the community and she couldn't bear that. She's strong enough though that if I threatened it that it would rip us right apart.

For now I'm trying to think of her more as a WAW than a WW. But then we all delude ourselves about things on a regular basis. Hopefully my first visit with my therapist tomorrow will help me build my path.


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Instead of blocking someone you can simply un-follow them for your own good. While you're in the limbo of separation this may be an option.


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unfollow her at the least then... do yourself a favor.

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Ah - but we're not separated. We just started this journey and we're both rather lost.

At this point there have been no actual decisions other than her choice to move out of the MBR when I found out about the A. She doesn't know what she's doing and I'm just plain lost.


On BD
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BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
After I found out about the A last week I went on a minor spree of sharing simlar images that talked about hope. Again probably a mistake.

Yeah.....quit with this. Why take your issues public?

Originally Posted By: AndrewP
It gives me a good insight into her frame of mind and in the last two days have seen posts about rebuilding and home which I am trying to not read as hope.

I would instantly and immediately stop trying to read anything into the things she does on social media. Thats all guesswork and likely wrong.

Originally Posted By: AndrewP
I'm also using Facebook to find the community events I will be going to as part of my GAL.

Good. But keep in mind:
1) it doesnt matter if she sees what youre doing.
2) her family thing isnt a "community event"

Originally Posted By: AndrewP
I still have to stop waking up in the middle of the night to see when she was last online and worrying about her.

Yes. You do.

Originally Posted By: AndrewP
I stopped her and told her that if she was wondering why I was distant it was because I was giving her space and that I needed to work on becoming the "me" I wanted to be.

Ugh. Why?

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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Ah - but we're not separated. We just started this journey and we're both rather lost.

She doesn't know what she's doing and I'm just plain lost.


Why do you think she's lost?

Just because you dont know where shes going doesnt mean shes lost.

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