5 weeks in since she said she doesnt love me.

[sandi2]

Based on the aadictive nature of affairs, and the behavior patterns of a WW in an A, I strongly advise you not to trust either of them. I can pretty much tell you what happened the next working day after OM's W and sister took him to your house and he denied feelings for your W. She goes to work and is angry and hurt at him, so he sweet talks her and assures her it was just an act b/c he had to convince his W and sister b/c of what they will try to do to him. Anyway, your W buys into his b.s. b/c she wants desperately to believe him.

What I find hard to believe is that you actually think they went back to the same routine and the affair just ended b/c of what was said at your house that night. Let me tell you three things, for now. 1). As long as she is in any type of contact with OM, her EA will not likely end. That's like expecting an heroin addict to get clean while he's shooting up. 2). You cannot trust her at her word, right now. 3). In order for the M to stand a chance, she has to change her place of employment.

[Natus]

Natus,

You are in a hard spot right now. The A has been exposed but as I know first hand, that doesn't mean it has stopped. It could be still going on right under your nose. Has your W expressed any remorse? Has she admitted to any wrong doing? Or is she just wanting to sweep all this under the rug.

Im not sure if its remorse but i confronted her today and she says her and OM hasnt been speaking since the "intervention" if you can call it that. She maintains however that the problems is between me and her and that just because she is not seeing OM does not mean we will get back together. She has checked out of our relationship and the EA just happened to be there.

Despite everything she has agreed that until we are separated that we wont see other people, EA or otherwise.

Part i dont get, she says she has checked out so why are we still together? Why hasn't she pushed for separation? It cant be cake eating, we both earn the same and enough to live comfortably individually. I know she hasnt told anyone else, i feel she is waiting for me to give up just so she can say its a mutual decision to go our separate ways.

In order for the M to stand a chance, she has to change her place of employment.

She has worked a decade in that company to get to where she is at. Highly respected, year on year top performer, pretty much sought after by upper management for projects. Her job is literally her second home. Part of her identity even.

That is something i could not ask her to change when she was still in love with me. Far fetched now that she doesnt.

My only silver lining is that the company is winding down its operations although that is still 2-3 years off.

[doodler]

Natus,

She's still checked out because she still has feelings for the OM and you're plan B. I'm sorry to be blunt, but that's what it looks like to me.

I'm new at this stuff, so understand that I could be wrong, but my wife is in an EA so I've got a little bit of experience with it. Someone else still has your wife's heart.

[CWOL]

Natus,
Don't believe what she says, my WW said the exact same thing.

The truth is OM has taken over your place in her heart.

[Melo]

If she really loved you and really wanted to work on saving the M,she would do anything you asked. Despite the exposure, she still has feelings for OM. She feels like she still has you and so she has nothing to lose. Drope the rope, as long you're there for her, you will always be her plan B.

[cubebot]

Natus,
Don't believe what she says, my WW said the exact same thing.

The truth is OM has taken over your place in her heart.

^^^^This is the root of the problem why she doesn't want to be with you. I believe Sandi is probably right on what happened the next day once OM wasn't with his W.

I am in a similar situation of not really being able to ask anything of my WW. Time to GAL and "Be mysterious" if you ask me. I know that you say it's more of the same, but what else can you do at this point, smother her? Act as if, NO R TALKS, GAL, and detach.

[Stormchaser]

Kinda agree with everyone here. She's not showing remorse at all.

What my W did when I found out:

1. Nearly had a nervous breakdown. Immediately left the house when I told her to get out. Was suicidal as well, curled in a fetal position in some seedy hotel room when I got to her.
2. She called her best friend to get an appointment with HER counselor (when her friend and H had M issues) and set up an appointment for the two of us for IC and MC.
3. Showed immediate remorse and vowed to do "whatever it took" to save the marriage - and vowed to dig deep to see why she would even do such a thing (and has been in IC and MC for the last 9 weeks).

I understand your sitch, too. My W has been with her company for 5 years and she finally broke through a pay barrier and is now making good money, enough for us to finally enjoy. For her to start over at 49 would be so difficult, if not impossible, for a woman in her line of work. We would probably have to stop IC and MC if she were to quit - so its a double edged sword. Yes, she still has to work with OM, but I've no indication that this is still going on - quite the contrary, she knows if there was any inkling of the A reigniting and me finding out, the consequences would be devastating.

[LiM]

Part i dont get, she says she has checked out so why are we still together? Why hasn't she pushed for separation? It cant be cake eating, we both earn the same and enough to live comfortably individually. I know she hasnt told anyone else, i feel she is waiting for me to give up just so she can say its a mutual decision to go our separate ways.

Its because she's conflicted. She doesn't know what to do right now. You can't guide or direct her either. All you can do is put your focus on yourself and work on YOU. That's the only thing you have control over. Show her how awesome Natus can be. Dont point it out to her. Just be awesome and she'll notice.

Her employment situation makes this very difficult. VERY difficult. Typically, you have to go strictly NC in order to break these things. You will have to watch her like a hawk and don't trust her. She will lie, lie, lie. If she is truly remorseful, I would think that she would find a way to avoid having contact with him (leaving her job or at least moving to a different department if that is even possible.)

[Natus]

I dont want to snoop anymore, its just feeding my insecurities. I have found nothing overly suspicious on her phone but some how i still end up feeding my imagination.

Im just going to have to focus on my Detach, 180s and GAL. Im taking off my ring today, it has her name engraved on the underside. I wont be putting it back on until she is my wife again.

There is one little tit-bit i found amusing last night. She got peeved off when i mention a women who is also a colleague of hers but in a different branch / department.

This women was a PT client of mine for awhile until BD. I went NC since i was spending more time at home after and cutting back my hours at the gym.

W has previously said that she has no jealousy and even joked i should date her. Yet for all purposes i should not dare ever bring up her name or mention details of their office that only she could have told me. Just musing here, doesnt sound like the behavior of someone who has checked out or is it me.

Backstory: Apart from working in a telecoms company i am also a gym owner. I have many PTs with women and Men. Wife has never had an issue with this and in the past occasionally took PT with me and watches me at the gym when she use to spend a lot of time at the gym too.

[sandi2]

She has worked a decade in that company to get to where she is at. Highly respected, year on year top performer, pretty much sought after by upper management for projects. Her job is literally her second home. Part of her identity even.

That is something i could not ask her to change when she was still in love with me. Far fetched now that she doesnt.

Your choice, and hers, to put the job above the M.