Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Mia2003 #2671573 04/25/16 10:15 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
Originally Posted By: Mia2003
Well tried to get the mortgage reduced to interest only in the interim until I can get h to contribute to our family more. Unfortunately I can't and any changes I want to make have to be agreed and signed by him. Typical

Are you in the US? You need to file for legal separation if you are. That way a judge will decide who needs to pay what and you can get the help you need.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Mia2003 #2671578 04/25/16 10:35 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
Mia, his name is on the mortgage so by law he has to pay it. I have checked with my solicitor and I'm in the UK, so go and see a solicitor and have him paying his share.

Just wondering:are you afraid that if you take him to court for no mortgage payments, you feel that there will be no possible R? I was afraid like you that if I was going for legal separation it'll mean no chance of R, unfortunately I know there is no chance for me so I'm looking after my kids and me. You need to do the same as at the moment your H is MIA!

Please look after yourself and kids financially.

Rouky #2671603 04/25/16 11:27 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Mia,
Please go see a lawyer and/or solicitor as soon as possible. You need some protection and yes money to help out w/the mortgage. Just because his name is on the mortgage, that doesn't mean he will pay it even if it's stipulated in legal documents. Some of these people will allow their homes to go into foreclosure rather than pay.

Protect yourself and your children no matter what. This is a business transaction that needs to be taken care of asap. Taking him to court may not tip the scale one way or another as to whether returns or not.

Please protect yourself!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Rouky #2671604 04/25/16 11:29 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Mia, I agree with Rouky on the financials and I would encourage you to see a L and become clear about the financial situation. I know he has started on the mediation route (I'm not sure how that works) but the risk to you is he may not progress that and you are left in a poor financial position.

You may want to consider seeing a couple of L's for a free half hour consultation appt. Most offer this as far as I'm aware. My stance was, I don't want to D - but I do need for us to resolve financials. However, H wasn't willing to sort financials without a D, so it may have contributed towards him filing for D (but who knows, he may have done that anyway.)

Importantly, this isn't just about you, it's about him properly supporting his kids and I don't think you should hesitate to ensure your and their security during this difficult time. Has he done anything to move forward the mediation he suggested, by the way??

smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2671670 04/25/16 02:03 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
Mia, you're not going to "nice" him back. You need to be a strong woman and stand up for what you need.
It's like parenting, you don't give the kids whatever they want so they will like you. You have to do what is best for the family, if H decides to be a part of that family or not.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



twinmom #2672089 04/26/16 11:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 368
M
Mia2003 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 368
Hi all,

Thanks for advice. He rang me out the blue the other day going on about me booking appt with his mediator. It caught me on the hop as it was out of the blue and I did lose my temper with him.

Then I found that he had booked separate parents evening appointments for our country Oder son. What an idiot. Told h that that was ridiculous and as parents if he was going we should go together and his behaviour was actually embarrassing to his son. He relented to this although I had to cancel my spots and go with his ( all about him). He had th in Gaul to say that he didn't know I was was going. What a twit , my response was I have been to every parents evening since the kids started school what on earth made you think that would change.


He's such a dickhead at the moment

Mia2003 #2672095 04/27/16 02:03 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Mia, I'm sorry you had a difficult interaction with your H. As you know, H & I don't have kids together and so I haven't experienced the coparenting challenges that many on the forum struggle with. I'm blessed enough to be able to keep in touch with my SS, mostly as a result of his Mum's goodwill and support, for which I am grateful.

I'd like to offer a perspective here if I may - and feel free to discard if it isn't helpful!

Firstly, with the mediation appointment, did you understand that the ball was in your court to book an appointment with his mediator? You say he caught you out of the blue and on the hop and you lost your temper.

If you knew the ball was in your court, might it have been enough to simply say - yes I'm aware and I'll do that this week - thanks for the reminder. Or if you didn't know - to simply say - I hadn't understood that - thank you, I'll do that this week. If you can, might it help to think of him as a rather annoying colleague or neighbour that you need to liaise with and ideally be courteous to? Do you think your general level of anger about the situation spills over into any liaison with him and could you find other ways to release it?

In terms of the parents evening, I'm going to play devils advocate here. Did him booking his own appointments mean that he actually was being an idiot or a twit? Might he have felt that it could be awkward going together, given the recent tone of your interactions? Might he have been worried that some anger might seep into the teacher meetings? Might he have thought that, as you are now separated, it would be best to go to future parents evenings separately?

I'm not saying that I agree with his perspective (if he did think any of these things) but I could understand how he might feel, given all circumstances. My greatest worry when you describe exchanges like these is the potential impact on your kids if they become aware of the conflict surrounding them and a school event and whether they might feel they are potentially to blame in some way. Perhaps through overhearing a conversation or seeing your or his demeanour and knowing something is wrong.

Sometimes it helps to ask ourselves - what fear/insecurity in me was triggered as a result of his decision or actions? Normally that is what can lie behind our feelings of anger. Were you worried that others might see and potentially judge if you attended separately? Did you feel it was yet another nail in the coffin for your marriage if you each went to your own appointments? Often it can be useful to explore areas like these, which have been triggers for you.

I also think it's important we don't justify our angry treatment of someone because of their actions - eg: he was being an idiot so I lost my temper with him - as though one had to automatically follow the other. His actions are one thing and for him to own, your response is another thing and for you to own. The actions of others don't cause our responses because we always have choices about how we respond. The other thing it may help to think is - what am I hoping to achieve here and is my behaviour moving me towards or away from that? Even if you don't hope to leave the door open to a possible reconciliation (and perhaps you haven't yet decided?) there is still a coparenting relationship to support in these changed and challenging circumstances. At the moment, you still sound pretty reactive when he pushes your buttons, and ideally we want to get to a place where we can respond instead of react - even in provocative circumstances.

When I was reading your post, I thought of JujuB's thread in newcomers. She has a WAH and two young kids, and has felt/shown anger to her H. There have been some interesting debates on her thread and in recent posts, she seems to have turned the corner and reached a place of greater peace and acceptance. You may find it helpful to have a look at her thread perhaps?

I hope some of this helps and may provide some food for thought anyway. I don't intend to poke at you in any way with any of these suggestions, and truly I understand how challenging the circumstances are. We are all pretty much stripped raw by the stuff that happens, and it's brutal. However, I also think that directing anger at your H makes a bad situation worse and that the way forward and how we want to tone of our lives to be in future always lies with us.

Take care and I hope you have a better day today xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2672229 04/27/16 09:55 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 368
M
Mia2003 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 368
Hi,

It's regards to mediation he was supposed to book an appointment with mine. That's what he'd said the previous Friday so yeah I was caught off the hop.

With regards to parents evening he has never gone to one, it has always been me. I work at that school also and have witnessed when separated parents make separate appointments and how it affects the kids. As far as I'm concerned yes he was a twit completely thinking of his own feelings again rather than how the situation would embarrass out son at school with his teachers. His response to doing that was I didn't know you'd go!! Ridiculous when I've always gone.

Yes I should control my anger and yes that is me...however with all his lies and stupid things he has done over the last months and then expecting me to just go with it when he has hurt our kids so much is difficult. Any interactions are usually instigated by him but it is his self entitlement when he does wrong that doe send up causing me to react. I know I have to find away to deal with him...but yes I'm struggling when he acts like he hasn't done anything wrong and all he goes on about how he should see the kids and when ( he ready does plenty) then threatening me with court orders .

Mia2003 #2672300 04/27/16 01:17 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Mia, I understand that he has done a pile of hurtful stuff and it's hard to move forward. If he is in MLC, I would expect him to continue having little regard for you, your feelings, your M, financials, the kids. It's a tough thing - but all absolutely to be expected if he is indeed a man in crisis. I prefer to think of my own H as a generally good man, who has/is making a huge mistake right now. My guess is that events and consequences will catch up at some point and that the limerance he feels/has felt with OW will fade. And then he is stuck with an emotionally immature woman who has broken up two families and is willing to cheat. That's not much of a prize and I actually prefer my own lot in life.

For me, understanding MLC and letting go some of the hurtful behaviour has been freeing. I no longer react to my H - though my sitch is easier as we are just email/text now and I get some time to think about a response. But TBH I think less now and I just respond and get on with my day. I do have clear boundaries and have been quite specific with him on one or two of those - otherwise, I largely leave him to it. He can feast on OW until he is over-ful and regretting the indulgence.

The key thing I think is to focus on what we can control. He will do what he will do. Some of it may be hurtful - very hurtful. However, whether we choose to lock horns in combat, ignore it, smile knowingly, meditate and get on with our day - those are our choices. Just try and stay aware of the yes I should control my anger.....however with all his lies and stupid things he has done - and remember that people can do whatever they wish to us - however our reaction is ours to own.

Best to keep the focus on what we can control and try not to worry about MLC replay antics. I know it isn't easy and I have struggled with that, but if we stay on the right path it does come in time.

Take care smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2672316 04/27/16 02:26 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Mia,
Please re-read the last couple of postings that Sotto posted to you. She's spot on. There's nothing you can do to make your h do the right things when it comes to your children, you, the relationship, etc. MLC is all about them and what they want to do at that time. They have very little regard to what we are feeling and they do not care if we have ample funds to live on, etc.

It's important to focus on what you can actually control, i.e., you, your life and being there for your children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard