Recap: BD 2/9 when I found out about OM and WW making out. Did lots of stupid, non DB things. Moved out around 3/15, own apartment around 4/1. Divorce papers filed and divorce going through on 5/11.
omw, I you're right, and I didn't think you were dogging me. I'm just tired of the fight right now. Going to keep GAL'ing and pushing forward, but I make lots of mistakes and the heartache is a lot.
I have two weeks to go dark on her and see if that reverses the decision for divorce. During that time I have to GAL and really, truly move on, so that if/when the divorce really happens, she understands that I'm no longer there. So that I can accept it and no longer be there.
I love her, and not being with her hurts every day, but I won't have someone in my life who will cheat on me and then divorce me. Things weren't perfect, and in the last year were awful, but you work with people to get them changed, you don't just bail on them when something shiny and new comes along.
Things weren't perfect, and in the last year were awful, but you work with people to get them changed, you don't just bail on them when something shiny and new comes along.
That's the way it was in my sitch, and i totally agree.
I have two weeks to go dark on her and see if that reverses the decision for divorce. During that time I have to GAL and really, truly move on, so that if/when the divorce really happens, she understands that I'm no longer there. So that I can accept it and no longer be there.
I think you're back on the right track. What have you set up for yourself to ensure that you stay on track? My suggestion, no more lunches or being overly friendly. She needs to know what it's going to be like to not be married to you. Otherwise, she's going to think she can have you (parts that she wants) and OM at the same time. Make plans for yourself and stick with them. Even if it's watching a movie at home at a certain time/day!
I had the same experience of things not going well and my ex left for the next shiny new thing... they didn't last either!
We've all made a lot of mistakes, sir. And we will continue to, because we are human and it involves someone who was our world. I'm afraid to say the heartache will remain for a long, long time. It's been over a year since BD and with divorce imminent, it isn't getting any easier. Some days just plain suck.
I am not sure you'd two week time frame of going dark on her is enough - or it may not matter at all. I thought the same thing when my W moved to her new base., but it proved the opposite. Instead of missing me and us, it had the opposite effect on my W. She went "wild." Came back recently with three new tattoos (never wanted any more the 10years we were together) and like a whole new behavior.
The only thing we can do is take care of ourselves. Unfortunately, that is much easier said than done.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
During the last week, when I've actually avoided conversation with her and managed to stay relatively dark, she's shifted from wanting almost nothing to do with me to "I miss the kids and we stopped being romantically involved a long time ago, I miss our time together and you were my best friend and that I went to you with everything first."
So I know there's something in there missing me and us (and obviously, the other guy isn't filling that void or she wouldn't bring it up). Two weeks may not be enough. Maybe the divorce won't be stopped. I don't know if that means the relationship can't be rebuilt. I don't know if I'll even want to once the divorce is final.
I almost feel like the finality of the divorce is more important to me than her. She's already decided it's over.
She just asked for mother's day as family day. I'm torn on that. On the one hand, I feel like I need to validate somewhat and do that. I also feel like there's an emotional attachment that can be created on that day.
On the other hand, divorce is 3 days later, and to me that signifies we aren't a family anymore. So why would I want to indulge that?
I agree keep busy, and as tempting as the meal would be. I think it's important that you lay your boundaries as she needs to feel what she will stand to loose
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
She's already trying to encroach on the silence. "I have mail for you and shoes for our son. When do you want me to drop them off?"
Right now! But I can't.
We should be celebrating so much right now as a couple, but she left just before all the best new changes in our lives actually happened.. and she seems to think it has something to do with her leaving and just "letting go", when the reality is these things were going to happen anyway.
So last night a few calls and some texts trying to crack the darkness. This morning a text asking to call.
I know I'm supposed to use going dark as a tool. I feel like my *need* to respond is a bad thing, and I should probably stay dark until I don't *need* to respond anymore. Then I'll be in a better position to move forward.
So, I had to have her get the kids tonight from daycare because I was running too late. When I went to get them, she told me she got her new job. I just congratulated her, being enthusiastic without being a cheerleader, and thanked her for getting the kids. We had a brief chat about our son's new shoes, and then we shuttled the kids out to the car.
She made a joke about how she's not allowed over to my place because she is smelly to our son, which was interesting. It was almost as if she were asking if it were ok for her to come over. I kinda blew it off.
Then, after the kids were packed in, she came around the corner of the car quick to get a hug. I gave her a brief, friendly hug, and while I did she said how I need to respond to her texts or calls, especially when I have the kids. I just smiled and said "I've just been real busy" to which she responded and said "What does that even mean," then, as I was turning to walk away, she smacked my butt.
I have no idea what that meant... but she seemed to make herself feel awkward after doing it because she suddenly wouldn't look me in the eye and say bye.
I had the same problem during this time... I felt a need to respond all of the time. And almost every time, I'd end up feeling hurt afterward. Once I finally made the decision to go dark, I wouldn't respond unless it was kid/finances. It got much easier over time. Keep it up. It sounds like your interaction tonight went about as well as it could have.
There was nothing bad about it. It was just.. different. Who knows, she might have been acting like one of those dudes in the office who doesn't respect his female employees and smacks her on the ass on her way through. I don't know. Hard to process.
There was nothing bad about it. It was just.. different. Who knows, she might have been acting like one of those dudes in the office who doesn't respect his female employees and smacks her on the ass on her way through. I don't know. Hard to process.
Jazz good work, you're doing great! I Think you can already see a change in her so keep up what you're going.
However, to me it still seems like she's trying to draw you back in and cake walk.
Remember that detaching is more for you than it is for the R. While the first couple of weeks of detaching were extremely difficult for me, my head started to clear and peace entered my mind body and soul.
Also remember that going dark doesn't eclipse (pardon the analogy) your obligation to respond to her in a reasonably timely fashion when it's about kids and maybe finances. I give myself a 3h turnaround time for kids and 24h for financials.
Keep up the good work brother!
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
Just keep to the boundaries that work for you. If her calling daily is setting you back as her to e-mail or text you. Don't pick up if she doesn't comply.
Good luck brother.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
Mother's day was interesting. I had her over at my place where the kids were for a short time. She tried texting OP, I told her she could leave if she wanted to talk to him. She stopped. Had a decent time. She loved the card the kids and I made for her, and the trays I made out of her mom's rose petals that our son tore up. Had a brief tense discussion that involved OP, but I killed it quick with "how about we don't ever mention him again in my home." At the end of it, I told her family day wasn't going to be a thing, because I am exploring being myself without her, and that things like family day don't fit in with that. Otherwise, was nice and relaxing.
Divorce proceeding was today. Went smooth. After having been mostly dark except on mother's day, I actually flipped things and was very flirty with her. She rubbed my back on the way out, and then at the car, she came in to hug me. I put her arms under mine, and she got in close and said I love you, I paused, and said I love you, too. When we pulled apart, I kissed her on the cheek by her mouth, and she said I love you again. Then I walked away, asked her if my moustache was too bushy, and she said no.
So, divorce will probably be final in 3 weeks when a judge signs it, but she's starting to ebb back towards being free and fun with me.
In the meantime, I'm having a good time GAL'ing. Working out, playing on the beach, sometimes out for a drink with some friends or family. Still not easy all the time... but it's getting easier. Been on a couple dates now. Not really ready for it, but thought I'd give it a try just to see how it feels. It feels deceitful, but these aren't ending in sex. They're just having fun. It doesn't need to get that personal.
So... I'm finally winding down to I think I need to just get over her. I'm still working the process... but the divorce is about to be final. I'm tired of hurting, though. Going to completely detach, and go into 30 days of pure darkness. I can't tolerate the roller coaster, and I deserve better than to be a backup plan.
well, going completely dark has definitely stirred something, but who knows what. She got super angry at first, and now she's doing little "funsie" type things to try and get me talking again. Holding my tickets "hostage until her friend comes back," liking stuff on my FB, sending me pics of her and her bosses at a convention, etc.
Interesting stuff. I'm still thinking and worrying way too much about what she's doing, though.
Learning kids songs on guitar for my kids. School. Working out. Going out with friends. Hanging with family when I can. For the most part I'm able to ignore her in my thoughts, but there are times when I can't, especially when I'm with my kids and I can't help but think how great it'd be to have their mom their to help so I could take my son into the water to teach him to surf, or skate, or to just hang with my daughter and read a bunch of books with her while he played with his mom. And of course late at night when I realize there's no one there beside me, when every day for 5 years she was there.
