So yesterday was supposed to be a breakthrough, but alas, I believe that she is still a little in the fog.
I ask her if she is going to TM, call, email the OP; and she says no. I ask her if she's going to see him if/when he comes down... she says "i don't know".
She is stating that she wants to try and make us work. But i do sense the lack of attraction is still there. I told her yesterday that she has put me through hell for the past 3 months, and that I need about 3 more months to focus on myself, putting her last. I also said that I will "try" not to push her away (that is going to be hard) but that i cannot pull her in either.
So, my plans are not going to change in terms of GALing. I have however stated that I will not treat her like a divorcee in the house (doing her own thing, making her own food), as she does state that she no longer wants to be divorced.
My issue is, is this not just a ploy to lower my guard, so that she can do some cake eating? I refuse to make life easier for her, but do need to try and not make it more uncomfortable.
@doodler, as for sleeping arrangements, well she lays on her side and me on mine. She does rub her feet up against mine just to know i'm there and sometimes she comes and holds me, but I do not show her any affection. My S4 comes in during the night and sleeps between us, which is good, but not in winter as he kicks us open :-) As for interaction during the day, I do not make any contact unless necessary, and then i keep it short. When we get home, i give a cordial "Good afternoon" and only (try to) validate and affirm her. Then it's a cordial "Good night" and I get into my side of the bed. There is no physical contact from my side. Just like a neighbour.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
so i know that i'm being paranoid... but my WW is supposed to meet up with her new christian female friend from fitness camp on thurs nite. She never goes out in the week and my mind is racing, as the OM is supposed to have visited the end of April - which it is.
I do know that I must not react in her company, but it's going to be real hard. My insecurity bomb is ticking! I need to focus on me... my tummy is turning again...
Also spoke to the support that approves IC, and they say i'm quite level headed so not really in need of IC, in terms of them paying for it. But will make space in my budget. They also said that if she wants counselling then she needs to call them to request it. It is probably better that way, as i can see if she is willing to do it herself. The counsellor said that she will always want to be free until she truly experiences freedom and the pitfalls of it.
Gotta keep moving forward and letting her go. So difficult.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I hear you DDJ, I have found it difficult to but it is the direction we need to go for ourselves. My WW is still short, grumpy and really not someone I want to be around, like has been mentioned, who she is at the moment is not someone j want to be with. Doesn't mean I wil be rude or cold, but my attitude at the moment is that she has what she says she wants. Her own small apartment, OM that I don't know exactly what he is to her, her freedom when she doesn't have the kids. I do want to say why you are still so angry when you have what you wanted but I'm just leaving her to it. For me, as hard as it is to be resented for all the things I did, that she wanted me to do for over the years. I have seen a weight off my shoulders in not walking on eggshells or having to look after her like I did before. Keep telling myself that this is my time to explore and see what is out there. I have started to write my own pros and cons list, questioning if I was getting what I want out of the relationship and questioning if there might be someone better for me out there.
Time will tell and as Sandi has said, if she wants to put me on the market, a better me will be out there.
Trying to stay strong. Everyone says that I gotta let her leave, it's hard enough letting her go. As I've said before, I'm afraid that if I let her leave, that I won't want her back.
Today's definitely not a good day, she also said she's going on the pill to balance her hormones. Trying to not react. Can't I just give up!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Giving up isn't an option brother. You have done good making it to this point, just a little bit farther to go. Breathe, and when things get tough, breathe some more. Tomorrow will be better, you just have to make it through today.
You cannot stop her leaving.It is out of your control. Cross the letting her back bridge when/if it arises. For the moment she hasn't even left.
Reread the detachment threads.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
It's hard DDJ, it really is. I have had a lot of frustration the last few days as she is having to step up and do things I have wanted her to do for years to help me out. I thing I don't know is how much help she is getting to do it.
The only thing I can say about WW being out of the house is I'm not analyzing every interaction on a daily basis. It has been easier to pull away and leave her alone. We need this time to figure out what we want, I have questioned myself several times over the past few days of what I'm trying to salvage. Am I just doing it for my kids? Am I doing for me? What do I want in a relationship? I think we need this time to have these questions, to work on ourselves, to remember who we are. I spent way too much time trying to be what my WW wanted when the goalposts kept moving that I completely lost myself. I see that now and I want to get back to the me I want to be and improve the faults.
My IC recommended that you write down your positive traits, make it long because we all have them, to focus on these and make them part of your daily interactions. It has helped me because I was able to make a long list. Some of my examples were, I built a house in a foreign country when I didn't speak the language, it exhausted me but I did it, learning many new skills along the way. I hit the gym and gave myself a difficult goal, I ran a half marathon after 3 months of training. I fought for a much better job within the company I work for, moving from the production floor to Engineering, something that is unheard of in this company. Sit down and make your list, it is surprising how long you will make it. For me, as much as it hurts, I know in my heart I am better than any man that pursues a married woman, especially one with young children. Remember that you are he better one, you are the stronger one, accept your responsibilities in the damage of the relationship, learn from them, forgive yourself for them and take all the positive qualities you have and iron out the wrinkles. I know that anyone that gets me going forward will get a really good one, that if my WW doesn't want to see it her loss will be greater than mine.
Watch Michelle's video on WAW, she tells it right. It took these actions (and we as men react to actions much more than words) to wake us up. We wish it hadn't taken this to do so but it did, but as Michelle says, these men that get this wake up call become some of the best men, fathers and 2nd husbands out there because we used that action to see our errors, to learn and become better.
As is mentioned regularly, someone only a fool would leave!
Also DDJ, didn't you mention that she has little in the way of support. For example, my WW has a group of singles at work that I have no doubt are helping her. I would think if your WW has little in support, getting her out would be better for you. At the minute she still has some security in with you, I know you are doing a great job GAL, etc but for me my WW needed out. She needs to experience being a single parent, the single life and decide if that's what she wants for real. It might be, it might not, but in the meantime we let go. My IC also said that letting go is not about stopping caring but letting go of the expectation of results, especially if we are looking for a result to happen by our action. Yes we might win, we might lose but we wil learn and grow.
Trust that we will be alright no matter what, we might not get what we want but we might even find something better. Trust in ourselves, believe in ourselves and they have to go and decide if they want to fix the places we can't. For me, if my WW likes who she is right now then, I will be better off without. I don't see the woman I knew for over 10 years, if she thinks she doesn't need fixing then so be it. It's still hard but it's the way I try to look at it. Do I get it right every day, nope but day by day we will get there.
Thx guys, today i let it all get to me. i'm spinning but at least i can now diagnose myself. i know that i cant control her and maybe i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but it seems easier to wallow than to stand tall, it definitely is.
I will attempt the positive traits thing to help with my confidence, because this is really about confidence at the end of the day. i'm purchasing a second car, by the end of the week so that i can GAL better. She does not want to do things alone, but she no longer has a choice in that.
As for her moving out, i need the car first, can post her to her dad for a month, but i doubt she's going anywhere! So till then, i'm off to read DETACH thread once more.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I hope you can keep your chin up. My wife keeps saying she's going to move out at the end of the May and I find that very difficult to accept. I wish I had some words of wisdom that could make things better, but right now I'm grasping at sraws myself.
Thanks again for the four things that you posted on my thread. I think if I consistently lived by those four things, life would go well.
Get out and get some exercise and keep moving forward. It'll get better.
As for her moving out, don't you think it will help you? I really believe that it will help me to not have her in my face. I say that now, but the thought scares me... But not facing my fear is even worse.
You could really grieve for your marriage. Just cry until you get bored of crying. Then get up and go on living.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I told her yesterday that she has put me through hell for the past 3 months, and that I need about 3 more months to focus on myself, putting her last. I also said that I will "try" not to push her away (that is going to be hard) but that i cannot pull her in either.
I dont really understand this:
- What does "3 more months" mean? How are you measuring that? - Why are you telling her that you are "putting her last"? - Why are you talking to her about "pushing her away"? How will you control that?
I guess my point is that it sounds like you are having waaaaaaay too many R talks.
I think in some cases it may help for the spouse to move out to provide space and time for healing.
In my case, my wife and I are generally cordial and we're good parents. I'm not so sure my wife needs or wants the space. We did ague this morning but she seemed to be looking for reasons to stay rather than go. And, this could all be wishful thinking on my part.
If there's a lot of constant tension and arguing, I'd definitely want to separate for a while, but I'm not sure that's the best solution for me and my wife because the boys would be distraught and there'd be a whole new set of problems.
So, as usual, I don't know the answer; my guess is that sometimes it helps to separate for a while and other times it doesn't.
So the Mariah Carey concert last night was awesome. I had a crush on her since her song "always be my baby". I was so detached from my WW, I did not worry if she was fine, it was all about me. We never even held hands or anything. It was such an uplifting experience. Then Mariah sang HERO, and it really struck home, the lyrics gave me renewed hope. I've added the lyrics below.
As for the R with my WW, I told her and picked up from her that she didn't want to speak about, so i'll let that go for now.
I asked her why she sent those TMs on Monday and these were her words... "I realised that I did not want to throw away 10 years, your son was also asking about you whole the wknd and I did not want such a life for him; you must understand that i really really love you and do want to make things work".
I have realised that this lesson is more about me gaining my independence than anything else. She is the one that wanted out, but I was the one that needed out. Anyhows, we're taking it day by day so lets see what happens. My tummy is turning a little, but i think its a good turning.
@darknes, I'll have that introspection soonly, i'm procrastinating right now.
There's a hero If you look inside your heart You don't have to be afraid Of what you are There's an answer If you reach into your soul And the sorrow that you know Will melt away
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you
It's a long road When you face the world alone No one reaches out a hand For you to hold You can find love If you search within yourself And the emptiness you felt Will disappear
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you
Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow But don't let anyone Tear them away Hold on There will be tomorrow In time You'll find the way
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you That a hero lies in you That a hero lies in you
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
The insanity is doodler, that I don't think that the positivity is about my M, or our R. She has simply stated that she wants back in. I think I will be truly happy when I have fully detached from her. Getting back together is not the aim, being myself and achieving what i want in life is the aim.
I always used to tell her that i know where i'm going in life, I know what i want, and I want her to join me. She has a choice if she wants to take that journey with me, but i cannot let anyone hold me back from experiencing life to the fullest, not anymore.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I understand. I wish I were as detached as you are; I'd be making better decisions. I have my moments of detachment, but I haven't completely dropped the rope. I guess my member name should be Waffle.
I try to stay detached. I've learned not to react, i think thats the key. The only problem now is that I fully comprehend what is happening, and I find myself consciously pushing my WW into the fog, and then pulling her back in by validating.
For example, I would say something about "our" future R, and she's say - "this is why I don't think that we'd work". Then I pull back and let her speak and she comes right out of it and says she's willing to give her marriage a try.
I know that consistency wins the race; getting there is going to be hard but i know that i can do it.
She is definitely not being wayward regarding OM, however, I see so much selfishness, stubbornness and rebellion in the other things that she does. I think that OM is really just a fantasy which is ultimately the best way to rebel. Like when you were a teenager, and your parents said "don't drink"!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I'm having trouble detaching. Trying to be strong, but I can't hold back the tears.
She's just gone out to a restaurant with female friends apparently, not sure who they are, but she never actually dressed up. Her friends changed plans and I asked her "why do you choose such friends", and she said "ask no questions and i'll tell you no lies". I then asked her, "what does that mean", and she responded that "it's for me to figure out".
I just called her and called her out if she was visiting the OM, to which she said that I mustn't add to her woes as her friends already changed their plans.
I can't deal, I try to hand her over to God, but it's sooo difficult. I know I messed up tonight, not sure if i should apologize for asking her? what do you guys think?
I know tomorrow is another day... But i still have to get through today.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
So i called her and I apologized for my insecurity, I said it was only based on what she said, or better, didn't say. She did say that she can see that I had the right to be insecure and she is sorry.
I feel better, but know that tonight I had test of detachment and I failed hopelessly. I would have been better had she not said the thing about telling lies. I don't know if I can ever go back to trusting her, I don't think that i can. I know that I need to or it will never work, but it is so difficult.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Trust is to be earned. Not just given. So, no, I dont think you need to trust her. She needs to prove trustworthy if she really "doesnt want this to end".
So, in my opinion, this falls in the "dont ask" category. No answer she could give would satisfy you. So, whats the point in asking?
Well, still never joined gym (gonna try tomorrow) and no babysitter doodler, but i'm crying here whilst catching up on work for my second job. Just an hour that does not seem to want to end.
@darknes, she did say that she wants to build trust, and needs/wants to be honest. I do believe that she needs to fall in the "don't ask" category though, although i get the feeling that she wants me to ask her. I could not help myself with asking. I really could not. I was looking for peace of mind, but never got it and with a response of "ask no questions and i'll tell no lies", what else can i do.
She is starting to pursue me, giving me a hug in the morning when i get out of the car when i go to work, and kissing me when she got home today and now before she left to go out. I think i'm doing well with keeping my distance, but distance and detachment are clearly 2 very different things.
I apologized because I need to be stronger, not for her, but for myself (never told her that). I know that I cant let her dictate how i feel,but it's just so hard. I need to focus. I need to get away.
Hopefully getting the second car tomorrow and will go for a drive, anywhere and nowhere.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Yes, I think that I would have acted the same way. I know that I cannot assume things, as it will drive me mad. So it is best that I communicate clearly and ask her what is happening.
On second thoughts, I don't think it was insecurity, I actually don't think that I should apologize. She created doubt in my mind. I acted upon it. But is that not just "reacting"?
Or has the status quo changed since she says that she wants to try and make things work and wants to earn my trust again?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Yes, I think that I would have acted the same way.
So if you would have acted in the same way, why are you apologizing? It isnt like you think you did something wrong...
Originally Posted By: DDJ
She created doubt in my mind. I acted upon it. But is that not just "reacting"?
I think we're talking about two different things.
The first is your follow up questions. You wanted to understand where she was going. I understand you are/were doubtful. If she truly was trying to earn your trust, then I dont see too much of an issue with your questions.
But then you followed it up by apologizing to her. Im still not quite sure what you were sorry for. Just defaulting to apologizing isnt really great. If youre sorry you did something and want forgiveness, fine. But just saying "Im sorry" because W is upset over her own choices sounds wimpy.
I'm having trouble detaching. Trying to be strong, but I can't hold back the tears.
She's just gone out to a restaurant with female friends apparently, not sure who they are, but she never actually dressed up. Her friends changed plans and I asked her "why do you choose such friends", and she said "ask no questions and i'll tell you no lies". I then asked her, "what does that mean", and she responded that "it's for me to figure out".
I just called her and called her out if she was visiting the OM, to which she said that I mustn't add to her woes as her friends already changed their plans.
I can't deal, I try to hand her over to God, but it's sooo difficult. I know I messed up tonight, not sure if i should apologize for asking her? what do you guys think?
I know tomorrow is another day... But i still have to get through today.
Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies... to me it sounds like "don't ask me, so I don't have to lie to you." It doesn't sound like she is trying to earn your trust.
You called and asked if she was seeing OM?? Do you think she would have answered that honestly? Her response doesn't sound very trusting either... She could have said "no," but she didn't.
I'm also confused by the apology. If anything, you should apologize to yourself for focusing on her instead of you.
Yes dream and darknes. I was apologizing to myself for not being able to focus on myself. She did say that she was not seeing OM and that she could see how she could have made me feel insecure. I spoke with her when she came home and told her that if she wants to build trust, then statements like that will not help us build a R. The basics of any R is trust, first and foremost. If there is no trust, then there is no real R.
As karma would have it, my WWs tummy was running till the early hours of the morning, like Bolt at the Olympics. I reveled in it a little, but i was sooo at peace laying next to her while she was in pain, so know that I can do this thing.
My aim from this process is to detach, remove toxic things from my life (if that includes my WW) and GAL.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I'm chatting to a friend who was a WW. I asked her if she ever fell in love with her XH again and she said never. She says that she learnt to manage it. "The thing is, if you are in love with the person that you are with, you don't wander, you have everything that you need. I wandered because i didn't feel that way about him".
She is not giving me much hope of saving my M. But I gotta fight for myself first.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I hear what you are saying DDJ but do you know the other side, did her H make any changes, do anything different, etc.
From my own experience of my parents, my Dad left when I was the same age as my son is now, we have talked long and hard about it. There was no other involvment and he says he never stopped loving my mother but my mother never changed, and he got to the point were he knew she never would. He was right, my mother never changed, she got on with things but never altered her lifestyle.
As much as I'm giving my W the space she wants, I am using it to look at my marriage also. I have seen so often were my W told me she would try, wanted to etc but when push came to shove she didn't do.. I do question whether my W would be able to do what is necessary to turn around but only time will tell. As you say we have to focus on us, recognize our weaknesses, learn from them and believe that we will be all right no matter what. It [censored] and I'm not always the best at following my own advice but that is what we are all here for, to support, to keep reminding each other of our direction and to hold our heads up and push forward into the unknown.
In one of Sandi's posts she says we may afraid to do things but even if that is the case we do it!
Well, my friend was wandering for years, one bad relationship with taken men to the next. It became her thing, she became so non-committal that it consumed her. She tried to get back with her XH last year, but they're now split again - she even had another child with him. She did say that he never changed, used to drink the whole time and i guess never forgave her for what she did, or himself for why things never worked out in the first place. She definitely changed, as she was actually willing to try and make things work, guess that she came out of the fog.
I'm having breakfast with her on Monday so will see what i can glean from her and will definitely update my thread.
She peculiarly stated "that i need to change also, i need to put my foot down". I told her that that that is the plan.
I am sad for what i stand to lose, but happy for what i stand to gain.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I also have a friend whose mother I know well. The mother had an affair and I have spoken to her about it and the reasons why. Her H used to drink a lot and they didn't do things together, he wasn't listening to her as he basically became an alcoholic. When she had the affair, and it all came out, he stopped drinking cold turkey, never touched another drop, she told me even if he was carrying drinks and some split on his hands he wouldn't even lick it off... They recovered and had a much better relationship going forward until unfortunately he died from cancer last year. Something that affected me a lot last year as I was close to them as a family for several years.
So my stomach is turning again, like it did a few weeks back, but it's a different type of turning. The previous one was helplessness - this feels like fear, or should i say, facing my fear.
This is going to be a long wknd, with a public holiday on monday. I'm going to try to enjoy it with everyone but my WW, making time for my son is going to be top of the list.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
The fear thing is probably the worst part of it for me. I think it's a fear of the loss of everything that's so familiar.
I read somewhere that depression is the inability to see a viable future (paraphrased). Fortunately, I do see a time when the storm will pass and things will be better.
I'm already feeling better, at least i'm not on her rollercoaster anymore. I'm now on my own one. I can (sortof) control my own one.
Very true, I see a great future for myself (and my son), not this year yet, but next year. I know that i will get what i want in life, i will chase dreams that i let sleep for years.
I think that I was depressed in this one company i worked for, for about 2 years, as i could not find another job. I stayed there for 4 years, and I wanted to leave after 5 days! This feels a whole lot better than I did then. Wow, that could have added to my wifes earlier waywardness... mmmmmmhhh
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
One of the arguments I had with W before all this happened was that I found some messages to her friends were she kept telling them I was depressed. I was depressed 8/9 years ago and knew it wasn't the same. For me it was her falling into depression, she asked me to read a book she had many years ago and I only read it over the Christmas holidays. I saw things from my time all those years ago but saw so much of what she was going through now. Of course, trying to tell her that was the same as her trying to tell me all those years ago.
I am on the same page as you regarding kids, I wil make a future with them and make it great, it could be enhanced by my W (the one I knew before) but will make it great for them and me either way.
The roller coaster theme makes me laugh because my W always called our relationship a roller coaster. It sure has had its ups and downs but she felt the only way to get off was to walk away. Instead it just puts us on a different one.
@darknes, i'm still working on the plan for putting my foot down; along with that other introspection. Is it a good thing to try and get her perspective from herself? Or too soon?
I should never have apologised, and i apologise to myself for that. I will make sure that it never happens again. I must stay strong.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
DDJ, I think you are really getting caught up in words and semantics. Focus on action instead. Action speaks louder than words.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
So today was a watershed moment, feel free to step all over it pls.
So WW came home, we had sex, immediately afterwards she gets up, starts balling her eyes out like there's no tomorrow. I;ve not seen her ball like that ever. Naturally i bring up cheating and get shot down. Instead she says...
WW - I was trying to feel something, but i just don't feel the same way about you, I don't think that I will anymore ME - Thats ok, you're looking for feelings in the wrong place. Those feelings that you had for me are gone. You will not find it again, do not hold on to it. WW - But i was trying so hard and I could not feel anything (sic) ME - You need to let it go, all those 10 years, let it go. Put it in the past because it is not there anymore. WW - But if i'm not in love with you then how can i try to make this marriage work. ME - There is no marriage, there is no us. What we need to do is work on building trust. I am not in love with you either, i've been killing those feelings for the last month. What we had was just sex, and if you're looking for more, then you are not going to find it.
She said that she had to then have a divorce and i likened that decision as its now 4:55, i'm not in love you, so I need to be divorced by 5pm. Which is clearly nonsensical. It appears she is going to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
So for now, the tension is gone, she's willing to forget the past. Its like a weight has been lifted off both our shoulders. What it means is that she can longer throw items of resentment at me, from 7 years ago. Its a total new start, not for us, but for each one individually.
I need to make sure that I stay out of the friend zone and i have reaffirmed by cheating boundary. On her way out she stated "it is okay for us to kiss and hug hello and goodbye?" to which i responded, "yes, but i'm not going to initiate it."
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
and then my WW wife decides that shes going to stay out and not come back to put our S4 to sleep at 9pm. I called her asking where she was, and she said that her plans had changed. I said "thats not good enough, you cannot just change your plans and be selfish. Your son was waiting for you. It is is my job to tell you when you're not doing things properly, otherwise you will think its ok, the old H is dead, and I will not accept that type of behaviour".
I think that that counts as putting my foot down... I got a remorseless TM saying sorry once more, for what its not worth.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Are the following things getting you closer or farther from them? - saying "I am not in love with you either, i've been killing those feelings for the last month." - continuing to hug and kiss - sending controlling text messages
It reads to me like you think you can control her/this. You keep telling her YOUR plan like she NEEDS to do the same thing. Al you are doing is pushing her away. Just let her do her own thing. Set your boundaries and protect yourself. But stop trying to put your boundaries around her.
I wasnt telling you to put your foot down. I was tying to understand what it meant. If you think sending these bossy, demanding, guilting TMs is "putting your foot down" effectively, I have to disagree.
Set boundaries around you. Protect yourself. Those are the keys. She is out while your son wants to go to bed? Say "Sorry, mommy's out now. Lets do something awesome instead before bedtime." Telling her what you think is or isnt acceptable is a waste of your breath....she isnt listening anyway.
1 - Detach from my WW. Still having issues, can't stop checking tracking device tho. I am able to distance well, but not detach. I need to focus more on me. 2 - improve myself. Start gym, GAL and be happy with where my life is heading, for me and my son. 3 - start appreciating the small things in life
I think that saying I'm not in love with her anymore is like saying, that I'm moving forward. The past is in the past. As for the hugging and kissing, is that not her pursuing, or is it cake eating?
I like to think that I'm letting her do her own thing.i don't tell her where to go or what to do anymore. I validate where I can and affirm elsewhere.
Are those TMs not a boundary? I'm having trouble understanding them, I know that they're for me.like the cheating one, what else could be a boundary? So goal 4 is to put in place good boundaries.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
So its 2am where I am, and my WW is still out with friends.and she just sent me this unsolicited SMS:
"Just wanted you to know that i'm still out with friends. I am not drinking (she's on antibiotics and driving) and still very much fine and not to worry i'm going to work later in the morning." just now, "leaving the place now". I replied "drive safe"
I do believe that she is coming around to me, I know though that i'm losing focus of the end-game here. Book still set for delivery 23 May!
So i need all the help i can get. I actually get this whole GAL thing, as she's also doing it, in her own way. We don't spend time together anymore, and I miss her. ITS MY TURN TOMORROW NIGHT :-)
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Detachment is the: * Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves. * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational. * Giving another person "the space" to be herself. * Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people. * Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing. * Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life. * Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence. * Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering. * Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling. * Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life. * Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point. * Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them. * Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be." * Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
I think the key points in bold are areas you should focus on when thinking about detachment.
Goal 2 - do you have specific things that you're going to do to improve yourself, besides go to the gym? How often will you go to the gym? Maybe an interesting club or something to join? Or a fun activity to do with your son?
Hugging and kissing - as long as OM is in the picture or in her mind, it's cake-eating.
You say you don't tell her what to do anymore, yet you texted her and said "you can't change your plans..." Those TMs are not a boundary. You can only enforce boundaries for yourself. You can't place them on other people. I'm not sure what your boundary is in the TM about your W not being home to put your son to bed. You can't force her to do to anything she doesn't want to do. Also from what I understand, it was her night out, and your night in.
From the boundaries thread post #3:
An example of a boundary and how to enforce it.
Quote:
Boundary: I will no longer let someone yell at me on the phone.
Enforcing a boundary: When someone starts yelling at me, I will calmly end the conversation. "Let's talk about this tomorrow when we can speak more calmly." "I don't like the names you are calling me. We can talk tomorrow." Then you hang up.. you don't wait for the person to say, "O.K., fine," nor do you get into a debate. You hang up. The person doesn't necessarily have to understand your position or agree with it. This isn't about communication right now. This is about your boundary. Two different things.
Hope that helps you when figuring out what boundaries you want to set up for yourself. There's a ton of good information about boundaries in that thread. boundaries: cheat sheet
1 - yes, that about sums up my detachment issues - its now 4am, i've just awoken again and shes not home still. She's out with a safe crowd tho but i'm still anxious. I hate this feeling, but i need to feel it, crying just a little for what i'm losing and will continue to lose. I really want her to be happy. I really want me to be detached. It was not really her night out, as she had that yesterday, but since i'm out the rest of the long wknd, i can't blame her.
2 - Well, I go watch rugby, movies, hang out with my cousins, brothers and friends that i have not spent time with in years, to reconnect. I like driving and plan on driving round the peninsula this wknd too. Stopping to see the touristy sites and take in the splendour of Gods creations. I plan to go to gym at least 3 or 4 times a week. It will help me sleep better too, which is not as bad as tonight. It's really 2 bad days where I could not detach.
I don't think OM is in the picture anymore, I cannot be sure, I really don't care. I have detached regarding that at least. I will test her resolve regarding OM and see, but I do not want to hand out any cake.
3 - so a boundary for tonight would be "if my WW changes plans, then I will ensure that it does not get to me. She is out of my space and therefore not impacting on me". Which is actually not even a boundary, that's detachment... If she were impacting on me (which is why i'm getting the second car) then I would need to put in place a real boundary. I'm going to need to read more definitely.
I am forever indebted to you all for your help, regardless as to whether it saves my M. I love learning and everyday has a class test, which i usually fail :-) But i'm back in class the next day. Facing my Tiger!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
One thing, logic tells me that our WW's/WH's have detached from us, and we're now playing catch up. They used resentment to get to where they are. We need to use tough love (on ourselves and them). Is that correct?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Okay, I think i had a breakthrough about detachment, I've had 3 and a half hours sleep, so know that my mind is most clear.
I do not expect my WW to tell me what to do, where to go, what to eat, who i can have lunch with, how i must do things and when i must be home. SO WHY THE F DO I THINK THAT I CAN DO THOSE THINGS TO HER. She needs to be as autonomous as I am, and I need to detach so that she can get there.
She finally came in at 5-30am, alarm set for 7-50am. Part of detaching is letting the person accept consequences for their actions; so with 2 hours sleep she will be dead at work. But thats her lesson.
The past two nights she experienced the high life of being single and being able to mingle. The next two days she will have to experience the single mom side of it. Each coin has two sides. I need her to experience both sides in order to make up her mind. Although I do know that one can experience the joys of being single, whilst still being faithful within your marriage - we both are doing it right now!
I called her out on the OM, and said that i am fine with a soft kiss goodbye, no tongue (LOL) and a hug but it depends if she's still in contact with OM. She said that she is not and has even deleted his brother from instagram (OM not on social media). Her interactions with me now come so effortlessly, there is no real tension, just my anxiety from the broken trust.
She also sent me those TMs because she was aware that I might worry that she is out so late, so she has said that if i'm out and she's home that I must TM my whereabouts just to put her at ease. She will continue to do the same. She said no to a curfew which i suggested (CONTROL), thankfully.
Long story short - Goal 5 - work on my control issues!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Hey doodler,so my W is actually back. Only one problem, I see the WW inside her, I see it giving me the time of my life in a year or so.
She's spoken that she is anxious when I go out, afraid of being alone. When we go out individually, we both feel liberated. However, the one at home has severe turning tummy issues.
I've got to go with what will get me home at the end of the day. I'm more afraid now, than I've been before.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
That's the insanity. I have never cheated on her. The dynamics of what's happening here is bizarre. she actually does not even want to go out. She only goes out because I do. So, if I don't GAL, she won't go out out of her own.
She's always been insecure, so her heart was never into the whole divorce then. Probably why she's coming around so quickly...???
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Yeah, she was definitely milking it. Was with a different crowd. Her first experience like that ever. I would have done the same thing. But what does it mean, her being anxious as well?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
And this is what she said about those unsolicited TMs at 2am...
"i wanted to let you know where I was, because when you went out last week, I could not sleep, and you never even texted me. So I'd rather that you also let me know where you are so that I don't have to worry. I do care and love you and can't throw away those feelings."
She's so non-committal either way that I don't know how to DB this with the advice sometimes. I'm too tired from last night to go out tonight but definitely going out tomorrow afternoon. She's set to go out tomorrow evening with the new crew.
I'm so anxious, but am letting myself feel every bit of it.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
It really sounds to me like your wife is coming around. But it also sounds like you feel like she may not be committed to the marriage yet; am I reading that right?
Thats about correct. Sandi says that she must show remorse, I do not see it, I do not see her wanting back in and trying to make things work. Maybe yesterday was the moment where she let go of the past and could move forward. But i can never ever ever be sure... Until i am. Not a good space.
Almost like buyers remorse on a Tesla!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
It really sounds to me like your wife is coming around. But it also sounds like you feel like she may not be committed to the marriage yet; am I reading that right?
People that are "coming around" don't stay out until 530 AM.
Yes, her texting me at 2am to tell me where she is, and then only coming home at 5:30am tells me that she is conflicted. She can see what the right thing to do is, she then does it, but afterwards still goes on and does the wrong thing.
I liken it to a debate her and I had between BD 1 and 2. She argued with me that there are 2 apples (when there is in fact one); I see a green one and she sees that it is red, then i need to respect that she sees it as red. I then argue but if the apple is a granny smith and the world knows that its green, then it cant be red. She says that then we have to agree to disagree.
This is what we're dealing with now, with our WW/WHs. The family unit is a green apple, but no matter what we do, they only want to see a red apple. Only they can change their perspective and see it for what it really is. It is our duty to show (and tell) them how great that green apple looks, in the hope that they might take a bite and be renewed.
So if/when i'm laying awake at 5am again tomorrow morning waiting for my WW to return, at least i have the solace of knowing that its her perspective to want to be out. Not mine.
I openly talk to her about wandering, which encompasses selfishness, stubbornness and rebellion. I point out her constant instragram updates, her vibrator, her drinking, her coming in late. Also pointing out my own wandering issues to help her understand both sides.
I think that's what i'm doing differently to what the forum recommends. If i dont say anything and just let things be, then i'm implicitly approving of it... "he's not saying anything so then i can continue" would be her mindset. Thats like allowing a drug addict to sleep in the bed next to you, going about your day and hoping that they wake from their high. NOT GOING TO WORK, fast enough.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
You don't think all the talk about wandering comes across as lecturing?
I've never known lecturing to help a relationship.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
It probably does come across as lecturing, except I use specific examples to explain selfishness, just like a real lecturer... Only problem is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't force them to drink.
So Im thinking about the last few days, how soft she's gotten, but still talking about getting a D. And it dawns upon me that she's actually cake eating. Oh yes, she gets the joys of going out when she wants with who she wants, and still stays married. I refuse to give her rope to hang myself with. Gotta drop it again.
Gotta commend her tho, she is good. Gotta stick to my plan but need to go dark again.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
1) the family isn't a green apple. You only see it as a green apple just like she only sees it as a red apple. Instead of convincing her it's green, you are only going to drive her to set in that it's red. Stop trying to convince her. Try to validate her opinions and empathize. Don't make her see your side; understand her side.
2) drug addicts don't respond well to telling them they're wrong, explaining the problems of drug use, taking away their drugs, etc. They need to experience firsthand the lowest of lows. On their own. Stop trying to control her.
It probably does come across as lecturing, except I use specific examples to explain selfishness, just like a real lecturer... Only problem is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't force them to drink.
So Im thinking about the last few days, how soft she's gotten, but still talking about getting a D. And it dawns upon me that she's actually cake eating. Oh yes, she gets the joys of going out when she wants with who she wants, and still stays married. I refuse to give her rope to hang myself with. Gotta drop it again.
Gotta commend her tho, she is good. Gotta stick to my plan but need to go dark again.
Using specific examples doesn't mean it's not lecturing, and it doesn't make it attractive or effective.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
@darknes,yes I cannot change her perspective. I've gotta keep my green apple and make sure it flourishes. She can do what she wants with the red apple. I was validating so well, but just went too far and let my love blind me.
Yeah, have decided that if she wants to go out and enjoy the single life tonight that I cannot treat her as though she is married. That is not to punish her,but to protect me from the pain that is about to come. Is that a good boundary? I cannot stop her, but I need to protect myself.
@Rose,yeah, thought delusionally that I was getting through. Darknes, is right. Gotta focus on me.
If she does go out and enjoy the single life then I'm also going to tell her that she mustn't come with to vic falls. Not before, but afterwards.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
So I see sandi, so I see. She wants to be single. I need to let her go be single. Sad but true. This is my life now and I need to prepare for one without her in it.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Yes, her texting me at 2am to tell me where she is, and then only coming home at 5:30am tells me that she is conflicted. She can see what the right thing to do is, she then does it, but afterwards still goes on and does the wrong thing.
I don't see her staying out late as a "wrong" thing. It's a choice that she's made. Let her make her own choices while you make your own choices.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
I liken it to a debate her and I had between BD 1 and 2. She argued with me that there are 2 apples (when there is in fact one); I see a green one and she sees that it is red, then i need to respect that she sees it as red. I then argue but if the apple is a granny smith and the world knows that its green, then it cant be red. She says that then we have to agree to disagree.
This is what we're dealing with now, with our WW/WHs. The family unit is a green apple, but no matter what we do, they only want to see a red apple. Only they can change their perspective and see it for what it really is. It is our duty to show (and tell) them how great that green apple looks, in the hope that they might take a bite and be renewed.
Maybe the apple really is red and you're the only one that is seeing green. It's no one's duty to convince someone that what they are seeing isn't correct. Isn't that the opposite of validating?
Originally Posted By: DDJ
So if/when i'm laying awake at 5am again tomorrow morning waiting for my WW to return, at least i have the solace of knowing that its her perspective to want to be out. Not mine.
I openly talk to her about wandering, which encompasses selfishness, stubbornness and rebellion. I point out her constant instragram updates, her vibrator, her drinking, her coming in late. Also pointing out my own wandering issues to help her understand both sides.
I think that's what i'm doing differently to what the forum recommends. If i dont say anything and just let things be, then i'm implicitly approving of it... "he's not saying anything so then i can continue" would be her mindset. Thats like allowing a drug addict to sleep in the bed next to you, going about your day and hoping that they wake from their high. NOT GOING TO WORK, fast enough.
How about if you don't say anything and let things be, you're letting her be in control of her life? Letting her make her own choices and be responsible for the consequences? Letting her be her own person? And then, she has a chance to realize what SHE is doing in her life/relationships. Because until she's able to be fully in control of her life, she is simply reacting to your attempts to control her and she can easily blame YOU for the reason she's made the choices she is making.
When you give up the control, you detach.
Let her do what she is going to do. Instead, figure out what you're going to do. What can you do to make yourself a better partner/person?
I'm trying to lose control of her, but she reels me in. We were at a family function and she was all lovey dovey in front of my family. Like we were a real couple, but for me it felt really wrong. She was continuing the facade that she had for the previous few months before BD.
Nothing in my plans to improve myself has changed.im at my bros place watching soccer. Never done that before, S is playing with his cousins, whilst WW is at home cleaning.
I have to revert to treating her like she wants out and distancing again. I actually enjoy the distancing. Gives me time to think.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
How does she reel you in to control her??? You are control of your actions, not her. Just because she's lovey dovey with you, that doesn't mean you get to tell her how to live her life.
It's great that you're out doing things you haven't done before. But what are you doing to be a better person? How are you changing yourself?
So I see sandi, so I see. She wants to be single. I need to let her go be single. Sad but true. This is my life now and I need to prepare for one without her in it.
Much easier to do than you think. It really is. You seem like a quality guy. Those are becoming more rare these days. You're going to do just fine in life and love. You really will.
I'm trying to lose control of her, but she reels me in. We were at a family function and she was all lovey dovey in front of my family. Like we were a real couple, but for me it felt really wrong. She was continuing the facade that she had for the previous few months before BD.
And how were you responding to her little act in front of the family?
She isn't reeling you in to control her. That's all you, my friend.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I acted nonchalantly to her couples look. Maybe she wants me to think I'm in control to just keep up her cake eating as I will drop my guard.
It is going to be difficult, txhubby, but maybe I must stop "acting" like I'm moving forward and just literally move forward. Plan for the inevitable.
As for improving myself. I now have 5 goals, 1 - Detach 2 - Improve myself 3 - Understand boundaries and implement some. 4 - Appreciate the little things 5 - Lose CONTROL
I will break them down over the next few days.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I think detaching is the best way forward. Glad to hear you went over to your bros, surround yourself with loved ones and fun.
The more you focus on you, the easier it gets. They're so all over the place that just letting them be and keeping yourself sane is the only way. We keep on an even keel- and that only confuses them more
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
As for improving myself. I now have 5 goals, 1 - Detach 2 - Improve myself 3 - Understand boundaries and implement some. 4 - Appreciate the little things 5 - Lose CONTROL
I will break them down over the next few days.
DDJ,
These are great goals and along the same lines of the ones I am working on. These will help us heal, strengthen us, and make us the person only a fool would leave. No matter what their decision, we will be strong enough to move forward and have a bright,fulfilling future. I wish you strength and focus with your goals as they are a great foundation.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
yep, and tonight i have an opportunity to redeem myself for the other nights. So my WW has chosen to go out with the new crew tonight again and not stay in and watch a movie. Not sure when she's gonna be home. It is her best friends brother that she's joining with again. Not sure i can trust but don't really have a choice.
I need to do three things... Try and get some sleep. Not check Tracking device. Try not to overthink or assume and end up crying (are those 2 things?)
As a short term objective in detachment, 2 out of 3 would be good for tonight.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Ok, she's finally left. I believe in serendipity. I believe in karma. If she never went out on Fri with her best friends boyfriend, she would not have met her best friends brother and his crew; and she would not have gone out tonight again. Those are things of chance that cannot be ignored. As for karma, when she was in the other city, she was bitten by a spider. Its 5 weeks and the bacteria is still in her blood. The doc gave her 40 days worth of antibiotics, so she can't drink for 40 days.
Ultimately, tonight is the night that my WW has chosen her single life for the last time with me as her H.
I NEED TO BE STRONG. I NEED TO FOCUS ON ME.
My tummy is not doing too bad, alot less anxious. It is really all in the head, for her and I. Going to meditate on the Detachment thread until i know it all off by heart, so that i can repeat it when i awake - should help put me to sleep later - LOL.
One thing, with OM 1 clearly out of the pic, I know she's not cheated yet and i don't know when OM 2 will / has already started, to help my detachment, should i act as though she did cheat???? Although I think it will make me cold, it may help me detach more.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
You need to quit sitting around the house being the left behind spouse. Start going on yourself and having fun. There is plenty of opportunity for that. If you sit around the house sulking about your relationship, that is going to be very unattractive to your W. She's hanging out with fun people that are out partying. You're sitting around the house in a funk. You need to flip that script. Go out with friends, if no friends, go to meetups for things you're interested in. Go have coffee or dinner with a lady friend. It'll work. I promise. I know what I'm talking about. Not only will you feel way better but your wife will definitely take notice. Doing this may end up transforming you from the pursuer to the pursued. I enjoyed my new self so much that when my wife snapped out of it and started pursuing me, I was like "no thanks". I was having too much fun. The script was totally flipped because I stopped sitting around the house feeling sorry for myself and started living.
Remember your goals. Whether or not someone else is in the picture, you need to stay focused on you.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
1 - Detach 2 - Improve myself 3 - Understand boundaries and implement some. 4 - Appreciate the little things 5 - Lose CONTROL
1 - Who cares what she's doing? 2 - Get your rest and relaxation time in. Read up on the detachment thread. 3 - Read up on the boundaries thread. Set up ways to protect yourself.
DDJ, perhaps you should consider turning off/getting rid of the tracking device forever? It is just another way for you to torture yourself. If you get rid of it, then the temptation is gone.
Part of you wants to know what she's doing, but it doesn't help you because you can't control anything she does. Try to let it go.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Thx txhubby, I think tonight i hit that "no thanks" place. I am quite impatient but one thing that I will not do is wait for her to change my life.
@dream, i know that you and darknes are against D, this is DB after all. But i truly think that its the only way to make things work for me. I plan on starting things slowly, first getting the house on my name, can take 3 months. then move towards finalisation before the end of the year.
You know my only boundary is cheating, and i cannot wait for it to happen. She might even be doing it right now. So I must believe that she is, so that I can detach properly.
In terms of my goals, i will not lose that focus. As for who cares what she's doing? I care about my son and the life that he will lead living with her. My mother says to not fight over custody so I resign to having him for wknds only, but my mother does think that my WW will give him to me entirely, as her new single life consumes her. I put my cellphone off, so i can't see any messages, or check tracker, or even figure out the time when/if i awake during the night. So that should help me to detach and lose CONTROL! i actually need to do these 5 things everyday. there we go - measurable objectives!
I'm not that anxious, had a 2hr call with my mother, helped get my mind off things, even though we spoke about my plans for all of it.
Going to continue with the threads until i go sleep. Nite all (in my timezone).
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Remember your goals. Whether or not someone else is in the picture, you need to stay focused on you.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
1 - Detach 2 - Improve myself 3 - Understand boundaries and implement some. 4 - Appreciate the little things 5 - Lose CONTROL
1 - Who cares what she's doing? 2 - Get your rest and relaxation time in. Read up on the detachment thread. 3 - Read up on the boundaries thread. Set up ways to protect yourself.
Even still, these aren't goals. Goals are measurable...how will you measure your list? Take each one and list 2-5 actual steps for each that you can check off. "I want to improve myself by doing X, Y, and Z." Also, what's your time scale?
@darknes, yes, they are measurable. However, I plan to document each day how I achieve each goal. The sum being greater than the whole after a period of time.
Last night was brilliant. I put my phone off. WW came in at 3am. I created a physical boundary in my bed so that she could not touch me, as I didn't want her to touch me. My stomach tightened sooo badly when she came in but quickly cleared. I slept like a dream, had more than 7 hours.
My WW tried to call me at 2am and sent an SMS to say that she wanted to talk when she got home. But alas,my phone was and will be off from now on.
All in all, I think last night was a great start. Will see how I can hit all 5 goals today.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
No. These are not goals. 1 - Detach 2 - Improve myself 3 - Understand boundaries and implement some. 4 - Appreciate the little things 5 - Lose CONTROL
Well, I suppose they are goals. But they are the 30 foot hole. As an example, you cant just say "Im going to lose weight". That doesnt just happen. You say "Im going to eat 1300 calories a day, Im going to go to the gym 5 times a week, Im going to cook my own meals, etc." Then, as a result, you can achieve "I want to lose 30 pounds by September 1."
What I mean is you cant just say "Im going to detach." That isnt a physical thing you are going to do or not do. There are small, incremental steps that you can plan and achieve that will lead to detachment. "I will not start unnecessary conversation during the day, I will not check the tracker, I will not check Facebook, I will not raise my voice..." and so on... Then in a couple of weeks or months, you can reassess these goals, see how you did, and see what changes you can and should make for the future.
Thats what you need to define and set out. You need an actual plan. Not just a collection of lofty buzzwords.
I don't think that I can break those down into smaller things. I already am doing everything at the same time. If I state, no checking tracker - achieved. No starting convos - achieved. I will not get drawn into an argument - achieved. I will not satisfy my WW sexually - achieved.
I'm losing control, understanding boundaries, improving myself through disciplining my son and seeing what I've done wrong all these years. In terms of appreciating the little things, well thats probably me affirming and validating my WW. Cos I definitely never appreciated the small things she did.
So it's a very long road ahead. Many months but I know if I do the small things that it will make the big difference that I need in my life.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Do you have any goals for activities that you can immerse yourself in? Doing something that you enjoy, particularly if it's with other people, would probably help you with the goals you've already set for yourself.
I'm just mentioning that because I need to do more of that stuff myself. I have some constraints because I have children, but I can include them in some of my GAL activities.
I don't think that I can break those down into smaller things.
Then how will you judge if you did it successfully?
If your goal is to "eat healthier", and you go from ordering a double cheeseburger to a single cheeseburger at every meal, have you achieved your goal?
Originally Posted By: DDJ
I know if I do the small things that it will make the big difference that I need in my life.
I thought you said that you cant break your goals down into small things?!
I get it....setting these goals is tough. It's difficult to set plans; it involves a lot of self reflection. It involves a lot of admitting to yourself where you need work. It's time consuming to set plans. It's time consuming to assess your plans.
It's easy to say "I need to detach", "I need to do better", "I need to give up my need for control".
Doodler, you can for sure involve the kids with your gal. Mine often does, I get up and take baby out. I think it helps shield them from some of the chaos.
Ddj, it looks as though we had a similar night with our WS kudos to you for keeping her away. My h was like a dog at bone, I think he enjoyed the challenge
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
In terms of baby steps, I think I'll wing it until I can see real objectives coming to the fore. Going to be more efficient than effective for now. I realise that I love being out and watching live sport. Just came from a 7's rugby tournament. Was nice getting lost next to the pitch.
I met a doctor who was there to watch her boyfriend referee. It was so refreshing to meet someone that was so in awe of someone else. She even said "that's my heart out there on the field." it gives me belief that there is love after D.
My WW is drinking with her always wayward sister, even though she's on meds. I guess everything is an opportunity to rebel. Im with my son at my mother, don't want him around liquor anymore. I always used to complain about my drunk wife putting my son to sleep. Never figured that she didn't have to - I could rather. So coming home in time to put him straight to sleep so that he does not have to be with her.
I'm seeing every interaction with my WW as a chance to detach, validate, affirm or lose control. It really helps me, cos I gotta figure out which one is best.
Oh, and sandi, my old lady / neighbour living with me is getting way too touchy, I think I'll report her to the cops.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
In terms of baby steps, I think I'll wing it until I can see real objectives coming to the fore.
Thats kind of what I thought. It comes across like you are going to keep doing as you feel and hope that you catch on something/anything that initiates some spark in your W to either file for D herself or make some change.
It isnt that easy.
Theres no magic bullet. Theres no special trick. It's weeks/months of measured, consistent behavioral change. Thats your best bet.
To do that, it starts with you. It starts by looking inside and making your own changes. You say you want to "improve yourself". How can you do that by "winging it"? How do you even know what to improve? Youre going to discipline your son? I dont think thats all thats needed here......
Originally Posted By: DDJ
I'm seeing every interaction with my WW as a chance to detach, validate, affirm or lose control.
No. Your whole life is a chance to detach, validate, affirm, and lose control.
Your interactions with your wife are opportunities to showcase your changes.
These are life skills. Not only skills to mend relationships.
Very true darknes, I am procrastinating. I'm going to try and work through those objectives tomorrow as it's bedtime for me. I am finding myself detaching from my son too, letting him cry and accept the consequences of his actions.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
So, my WW said the other day that I am free to always check her phone as she has nothing to hide. So I check it. Yes, drumroll pls...
She tells her BFF that she misses OMs voice, and it's been 3 days since any contact. She says that she's feeling bad cos all she's trying to do is get him to come f-ck her and he doesn't want to bite.
So, here I am. A juncture in my life. Either I choose me and sanity, or I choose my very WW. There's only one choice I'm going to make.
I feel relieved. No more pussy-footing around the subject. I must detach and I will. I will need all of your help to get me through. I don't have too much anxiety. Maybe because there is no more hope.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
