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So i called her and I apologized for my insecurity, I said it was only based on what she said, or better, didn't say.
She did say that she can see that I had the right to be insecure and she is sorry.

I feel better, but know that tonight I had test of detachment and I failed hopelessly. I would have been better had she not said the thing about telling lies. I don't know if I can ever go back to trusting her, I don't think that i can. I know that I need to or it will never work, but it is so difficult.


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DDJ,

I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it. I think you're doing a great job. All of this DB stuff is rough; it takes a lot of work and a lot time.

Maybe it's a good time to get outside and get some exercise.

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DDJ -

Trust is to be earned. Not just given. So, no, I dont think you need to trust her. She needs to prove trustworthy if she really "doesnt want this to end".

So, in my opinion, this falls in the "dont ask" category. No answer she could give would satisfy you. So, whats the point in asking?

Why did you apologize?

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Well, still never joined gym (gonna try tomorrow) and no babysitter doodler, but i'm crying here whilst catching up on work for my second job. Just an hour that does not seem to want to end.

@darknes, she did say that she wants to build trust, and needs/wants to be honest. I do believe that she needs to fall in the "don't ask" category though, although i get the feeling that she wants me to ask her. I could not help myself with asking. I really could not. I was looking for peace of mind, but never got it and with a response of "ask no questions and i'll tell no lies", what else can i do.

She is starting to pursue me, giving me a hug in the morning when i get out of the car when i go to work, and kissing me when she got home today and now before she left to go out. I think i'm doing well with keeping my distance, but distance and detachment are clearly 2 very different things.

I apologized because I need to be stronger, not for her, but for myself (never told her that). I know that I cant let her dictate how i feel,but it's just so hard. I need to focus. I need to get away.

Hopefully getting the second car tomorrow and will go for a drive, anywhere and nowhere.


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Originally Posted By: DDJ
I apologized because I need to be stronger


Originally Posted By: DDJ
So i called her and I apologized for my insecurity


Are you sure?

You make it sound like you apologized because you felt like you were wrong for being insecure.

Think about it again.

What did you apologize for?
Why did you apologize?

Then.... once you know that....

If you were put in the same position again, would you act differently?
Do you think you were wrong?

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Yes, I think that I would have acted the same way. I know that I cannot assume things, as it will drive me mad. So it is best that I communicate clearly and ask her what is happening.

On second thoughts, I don't think it was insecurity, I actually don't think that I should apologize. She created doubt in my mind. I acted upon it. But is that not just "reacting"?

Or has the status quo changed since she says that she wants to try and make things work and wants to earn my trust again?


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Originally Posted By: DDJ
Yes, I think that I would have acted the same way.

So if you would have acted in the same way, why are you apologizing? It isnt like you think you did something wrong...

Originally Posted By: DDJ
She created doubt in my mind. I acted upon it. But is that not just "reacting"?

I think we're talking about two different things.

The first is your follow up questions. You wanted to understand where she was going. I understand you are/were doubtful. If she truly was trying to earn your trust, then I dont see too much of an issue with your questions.

But then you followed it up by apologizing to her. Im still not quite sure what you were sorry for. Just defaulting to apologizing isnt really great. If youre sorry you did something and want forgiveness, fine. But just saying "Im sorry" because W is upset over her own choices sounds wimpy.

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Originally Posted By: DDJ
I'm having trouble detaching. Trying to be strong, but I can't hold back the tears.

She's just gone out to a restaurant with female friends apparently, not sure who they are, but she never actually dressed up. Her friends changed plans and I asked her "why do you choose such friends", and she said "ask no questions and i'll tell you no lies". I then asked her, "what does that mean", and she responded that "it's for me to figure out".

I just called her and called her out if she was visiting the OM, to which she said that I mustn't add to her woes as her friends already changed their plans.

I can't deal, I try to hand her over to God, but it's sooo difficult. I know I messed up tonight, not sure if i should apologize for asking her? what do you guys think?

I know tomorrow is another day... But i still have to get through today.


Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies... to me it sounds like "don't ask me, so I don't have to lie to you." It doesn't sound like she is trying to earn your trust.

You called and asked if she was seeing OM?? Do you think she would have answered that honestly? Her response doesn't sound very trusting either... She could have said "no," but she didn't.

I'm also confused by the apology. If anything, you should apologize to yourself for focusing on her instead of you.

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Yes dream and darknes. I was apologizing to myself for not being able to focus on myself. She did say that she was not seeing OM and that she could see how she could have made me feel insecure.
I spoke with her when she came home and told her that if she wants to build trust, then statements like that will not help us build a R. The basics of any R is trust, first and foremost. If there is no trust, then there is no real R.

As karma would have it, my WWs tummy was running till the early hours of the morning, like Bolt at the Olympics. I reveled in it a little, but i was sooo at peace laying next to her while she was in pain, so know that I can do this thing.

My aim from this process is to detach, remove toxic things from my life (if that includes my WW) and GAL.


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I'm chatting to a friend who was a WW. I asked her if she ever fell in love with her XH again and she said never. She says that she learnt to manage it. "The thing is, if you are in love with the person that you are with, you don't wander, you have everything that you need. I wandered because i didn't feel that way about him".

She is not giving me much hope of saving my M. But I gotta fight for myself first.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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