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Previous thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...493#Post2671493

Hi all,

So yesterday was supposed to be a breakthrough, but alas, I believe that she is still a little in the fog.

I ask her if she is going to TM, call, email the OP; and she says no. I ask her if she's going to see him if/when he comes down... she says "i don't know".

She is stating that she wants to try and make us work. But i do sense the lack of attraction is still there. I told her yesterday that she has put me through hell for the past 3 months, and that I need about 3 more months to focus on myself, putting her last. I also said that I will "try" not to push her away (that is going to be hard) but that i cannot pull her in either.

So, my plans are not going to change in terms of GALing. I have however stated that I will not treat her like a divorcee in the house (doing her own thing, making her own food), as she does state that she no longer wants to be divorced.

My issue is, is this not just a ploy to lower my guard, so that she can do some cake eating? I refuse to make life easier for her, but do need to try and not make it more uncomfortable.

@doodler, as for sleeping arrangements, well she lays on her side and me on mine. She does rub her feet up against mine just to know i'm there and sometimes she comes and holds me, but I do not show her any affection. My S4 comes in during the night and sleeps between us, which is good, but not in winter as he kicks us open :-)
As for interaction during the day, I do not make any contact unless necessary, and then i keep it short. When we get home, i give a cordial "Good afternoon" and only (try to) validate and affirm her. Then it's a cordial "Good night" and I get into my side of the bed. There is no physical contact from my side. Just like a neighbour.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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so i know that i'm being paranoid... but my WW is supposed to meet up with her new christian female friend from fitness camp on thurs nite. She never goes out in the week and my mind is racing, as the OM is supposed to have visited the end of April - which it is.

I do know that I must not react in her company, but it's going to be real hard. My insecurity bomb is ticking! I need to focus on me... my tummy is turning again...

Also spoke to the support that approves IC, and they say i'm quite level headed so not really in need of IC, in terms of them paying for it. But will make space in my budget. They also said that if she wants counselling then she needs to call them to request it. It is probably better that way, as i can see if she is willing to do it herself. The counsellor said that she will always want to be free until she truly experiences freedom and the pitfalls of it.

Gotta keep moving forward and letting her go. So difficult.


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I hear you DDJ, I have found it difficult to but it is the direction we need to go for ourselves. My WW is still short, grumpy and really not someone I want to be around, like has been mentioned, who she is at the moment is not someone j want to be with. Doesn't mean I wil be rude or cold, but my attitude at the moment is that she has what she says she wants. Her own small apartment, OM that I don't know exactly what he is to her, her freedom when she doesn't have the kids. I do want to say why you are still so angry when you have what you wanted but I'm just leaving her to it.
For me, as hard as it is to be resented for all the things I did, that she wanted me to do for over the years. I have seen a weight off my shoulders in not walking on eggshells or having to look after her like I did before. Keep telling myself that this is my time to explore and see what is out there. I have started to write my own pros and cons list, questioning if I was getting what I want out of the relationship and questioning if there might be someone better for me out there.

Time will tell and as Sandi has said, if she wants to put me on the market, a better me will be out there.

Stay strong!

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Trying to stay strong. Everyone says that I gotta let her leave, it's hard enough letting her go. As I've said before, I'm afraid that if I let her leave, that I won't want her back.

Today's definitely not a good day, she also said she's going on the pill to balance her hormones. Trying to not react. Can't I just give up!


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Giving up isn't an option brother. You have done good making it to this point, just a little bit farther to go. Breathe, and when things get tough, breathe some more. Tomorrow will be better, you just have to make it through today.


M:37 W:38
D:11,S:7,S:4
T:8, M:5
S:6/1/15 different beds
Physical Seperation 7/5/16
Startof NC 7/22/16
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You cannot stop her leaving.It is out of your control. Cross the letting her back bridge when/if it arises. For the moment she hasn't even left.

Reread the detachment threads.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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It's hard DDJ, it really is. I have had a lot of frustration the last few days as she is having to step up and do things I have wanted her to do for years to help me out. I thing I don't know is how much help she is getting to do it.

The only thing I can say about WW being out of the house is I'm not analyzing every interaction on a daily basis. It has been easier to pull away and leave her alone. We need this time to figure out what we want, I have questioned myself several times over the past few days of what I'm trying to salvage. Am I just doing it for my kids? Am I doing for me? What do I want in a relationship? I think we need this time to have these questions, to work on ourselves, to remember who we are. I spent way too much time trying to be what my WW wanted when the goalposts kept moving that I completely lost myself. I see that now and I want to get back to the me I want to be and improve the faults.

My IC recommended that you write down your positive traits, make it long because we all have them, to focus on these and make them part of your daily interactions. It has helped me because I was able to make a long list. Some of my examples were, I built a house in a foreign country when I didn't speak the language, it exhausted me but I did it, learning many new skills along the way. I hit the gym and gave myself a difficult goal, I ran a half marathon after 3 months of training. I fought for a much better job within the company I work for, moving from the production floor to Engineering, something that is unheard of in this company. Sit down and make your list, it is surprising how long you will make it. For me, as much as it hurts, I know in my heart I am better than any man that pursues a married woman, especially one with young children. Remember that you are he better one, you are the stronger one, accept your responsibilities in the damage of the relationship, learn from them, forgive yourself for them and take all the positive qualities you have and iron out the wrinkles. I know that anyone that gets me going forward will get a really good one, that if my WW doesn't want to see it her loss will be greater than mine.

Watch Michelle's video on WAW, she tells it right. It took these actions (and we as men react to actions much more than words) to wake us up. We wish it hadn't taken this to do so but it did, but as Michelle says, these men that get this wake up call become some of the best men, fathers and 2nd husbands out there because we used that action to see our errors, to learn and become better.

As is mentioned regularly, someone only a fool would leave!

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Also DDJ, didn't you mention that she has little in the way of support. For example, my WW has a group of singles at work that I have no doubt are helping her. I would think if your WW has little in support, getting her out would be better for you. At the minute she still has some security in with you, I know you are doing a great job GAL, etc but for me my WW needed out. She needs to experience being a single parent, the single life and decide if that's what she wants for real. It might be, it might not, but in the meantime we let go. My IC also said that letting go is not about stopping caring but letting go of the expectation of results, especially if we are looking for a result to happen by our action. Yes we might win, we might lose but we wil learn and grow.

Trust that we will be alright no matter what, we might not get what we want but we might even find something better. Trust in ourselves, believe in ourselves and they have to go and decide if they want to fix the places we can't. For me, if my WW likes who she is right now then, I will be better off without. I don't see the woman I knew for over 10 years, if she thinks she doesn't need fixing then so be it. It's still hard but it's the way I try to look at it. Do I get it right every day, nope but day by day we will get there.

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Thx guys, today i let it all get to me. i'm spinning but at least i can now diagnose myself. i know that i cant control her and maybe i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but it seems easier to wallow than to stand tall, it definitely is.

I will attempt the positive traits thing to help with my confidence, because this is really about confidence at the end of the day. i'm purchasing a second car, by the end of the week so that i can GAL better. She does not want to do things alone, but she no longer has a choice in that.

As for her moving out, i need the car first, can post her to her dad for a month, but i doubt she's going anywhere! So till then, i'm off to read DETACH thread once more.


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DDJ,

I hope you can keep your chin up. My wife keeps saying she's going to move out at the end of the May and I find that very difficult to accept. I wish I had some words of wisdom that could make things better, but right now I'm grasping at sraws myself.

Thanks again for the four things that you posted on my thread. I think if I consistently lived by those four things, life would go well.

Get out and get some exercise and keep moving forward. It'll get better.

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