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vsklm55 Offline OP
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Hi everyone

My wife and I have just had a fight and because I feel like it is always exactly the same and that when we try to talk about it, days later, it makes no sense because we can't make the facts straight.
I decided to type down everything right after it happened. I tried to calm myself down as much as possible and be as objective as I can..

Before we start: She said that she can't stand me because I keep telling her bad stuff about her, am not nice and I don't think about how she is feeling at all and just do whatever I want to do.

This is my most honest description of what has just happened. I admit that it is and will always only be my perception and therefore by definition bias, however, I am completely ready to discuss any point that MY WIFE disagrees about me FACTUALLY because I am trying to state facts and also my personal feelings and thinking processes. Normally we fail our communication because I propose for each of us to describe what happened and when I say what happened and how I felt MY WIFE calls me a liar about the part that I say: this is how I felt.

I swear on my life that everything that I describe is as best to the truth as possible and I am being as objective as I can.



MY WIFE just lost her temper again

I could see she was getting defensive since the beginning of the discussion.

We talked about our friend Silvia who has shown that she thinks Yili not only does not enjoy parties full of strangers, it's not in her nature to start talking to strangers and being open and talkative with people. I said that I agree and that Silvia is not the only one and that it's pretty much what my mum thought too. The reason Silvia said it was to accommodate for MY WIFE and make sure she doesn't feel separated - she was trying to include her and help her.

MY WIFE started getting defensive and explaining that she does actually speak to people and started naming specific customers and people she meets at the office. I said that when it comes to the office/work environment she apparently can do it, true.

She continued by saying that she is not like that and that she can speak to anyone if she makes herself. She described herself as open and talkative with a group of people she knows and feels comfortable with. I agreed and said that this is what being introverted means. She asked why and I said the difference is she will make herself talk but I don't need to make myself I'll just talk. She said ah and she seemed she understood although she seemed unhappy to me.

She took her phone and started browsing her we chat. I felt she feels upset and told her about our lecturer that I've mentioned before who explained to us how acting extroverted during someone's job doesn't make them extroverted by nature - be actually is an introvert by nature. I also mentioned Kai, who I explained is introverted but himself agrees will become a leader if needs be, but naturally he isn't.

I could see she doesn't want to talk more and she is somehow withdrawing like if she felt guilty or as if I was describing something bad about her.

I told her that this is not a discussion about good or bad..we are just talking about two different personalities and neither is good or bad. She nodded her head but she still seemed upset and like if she needed to defend herself.

She said: but you know that when we are together I speak to people you know I can do that. I felt like she is seeking approval as if she felt she should be like this. I said "but I don't really think so..we have talked about it before and you agreed, think at Lidl where the cashiers will try to make small talk with us or the security but you never say anything and I have told you this and you agreed and said it's true in the past. I genuinely was telling her the truth - every single person that has met her calls her shy, we were on a holiday with our parents a month ago and she would go with me to the toilet so she wouldn't have to sit with my parents by herself..

She started telling me I'm not nice to her and that I should be nice after about 3 minutes of silence. I had no idea why at first because there was silence - how could I be bad towards her?

Then I realised she must have been thinking about the discussion we were having the whole time and feels like me saying that she is shy and agreeing with Silvia and the others who said this is about her is being bad to her.

I started telling her that nothing is going on and I'm not being bad towards her.

She turned away and lied in the sofa and said

"how would you like if I kept talking about you being lazy? If I kept saying how lazy you are to make you feel bad you wouldn't enjoy it would you? Why do you do this to me?"

I said

But MY WIFE that's the point I'm trying to make, you don't need to feel bad about it there's nothing to feel bad about! I'm not telling you that you are being bad, I'm saying that you were shy which is true and it's OK"

She started shaking her head. She again had the look that children have, something on the verge of either crying or shouting. I could see her emotion changing from this sadness to aggression because that how she always deals with feeling hurt.

I tried to hug her and come close and I started telling her about my classmate Abdi. I said Abdi says he's shy and introverted and he knows it about himself. He also says that he wants to improve speaking to others and in front of more people because he feels that it's needed. I continued by saying "see, you.." And I wantsd to say this: "you are shy like him, yes but you don't have this issue, you've learnt to overcome it and talk to people however you need, just like you said, you'll make yourself speak to anyone if necessary and that shows you can do what's needed in that situation".
I thought this would help her because she seemed so insecure and by comparing me telling her that she is shy to her telling me that I am lazy - I could see that's what she feels this conversation like to her.
Being lazy is bad and everyone knows that. If I behave lazy and someone tells me and they continue telling me eventually I'll feel bad because that is obviously a bad thing about me and I keep hearing it over and over which doesn't feel nice, like telling someome they are fat because they can't Control themselves and eat bad.
But saying that someone is shy is OK, just like saying that someone is noisy and outspoken. It's just a fact, there is no good and bad between extroverted and introverted people. But being lazy is considered bad while being hard working isn't.

MY WIFE started shouting at me, telling me to stop and that she doesn't like talking about this. I said I know but I'm trying to tell you that you don't need to, it's fine it's not something to feel good or bad about but she wouldn't stop shouting.

I shouted too and said that she stopped in the middle of me giving her a compliment and that she should listen first because I mean well and I'm trying to be positive.

She wouldn't listen she kept shouting and I tried to calm her down I tried to hug her but she was gone.

She said

I'll tell you, you call me shy, introverted and quiet and I call you lazy, a piece of [censored] and a useless person. How do you feel? Do you think it's good? Do you wanna hear it?

I felt like crying and said that I keep saying the same. She is comparing me telling her semething neutral and her telling me bad things and now just insults. It shows she believes beinf introverted is bad and it's not and that's all I'm saying.

She said something hurtful again I tried to block it out and then said

You think you tell me I don't need to feel bad about it there's so I won't. You're so selfish you just think about your own emotions not listening to me.

I thought of replying but I could see it makes no sense

I then walked upstairs with my laptop and cell phone



Overall this is a completely typical situation.

MY WIFE finds her self frustrated and nervous because she is being insecure about something
Her brain puts her in denial to prevent her coming to terms with something that is painful or difficult to admit
She gets sad and she decides to solve it with violence and aggression because she feels she got hurt in the past and she doesn't want to get hurt again so she needs to be strong
She feels upset throughout this and she expresses it by being vulgar, looking for hurtful things to say and in general just saying "i hate you" in different ways
She gets so lost in her own imagination and desperate thoughts that in the end she believes she hates me and that I am unbearable because she hasn't done anything (denial) and therefore it is me
If I try to simply ask her for facts, simple: you said this, right? If it hits a nerve she will say "[censored] you I don't trust anything you say I won't talk to you".

Example:

MY WIFE you just told me that you agree you are a drama Queen

I did not say that

MY WIFE Don't lie....

When did I say that? How?

I said you're the biggest drama Queen and I smiled and shook my head, you walked towards me, smiled and said yes I am as you sat on my leg

But I didn't say I am a drama Queen I never said those words

Yes I said that and you said I agree that means you think that about yourself it's the same

Hmm.. Yeah i guess. [censored] YOU. I won't talk to you

But no! Can't you see? Your ego won't let you admit anything that you don't like and the moment you do you start insulting me. To protect yourself. Just admit it its fine I don't care just admit it please.





I am honestly lost because I feel like our entire relationship is failing because she cannot talk about anything she doesnt like, she will block anything that makes her feel bad and she thinks she is always right.. I am always ready to admit my wrong if I really did something wrong because I honestly feel bad if its true and I want to change.

The worst part is, she will be the one at the who says: I wanna divorce you. You are horrible I can't take it.

She blames me... Maybe I am wrong.

Joined: Apr 2016
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Vsklm55 maybe try reposting this on the "new members" area of the forum as it might get more views?

Sorry I'm not sure what to suggest, it must be very difficult trying to communicate with someone when they are so defensive. My only suggestion would be to accept that your "neutral" words might be offensive to her and try to avoid them? We all have different ideas around what words mean in relation to us. I might like to think myself as shy, but might find it as a negative coming from someone else. I don't know, just a suggestion.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Yes, please put your post in Newcombers.

You may also want to remove names and identifiers too.

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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