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OTW. How are things going. Reading your situations seems very much like mine. Yet everyone situations seems familiar in one way or another. I don't recall, but did your wife ever say she wanted a divorce, if so has it been brought up lately.


Me-LBH, 44
Spouse-WAW, 41
Married for 9 years
S, 7 S, 5
BD - November 20th 2015
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
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Never said it and hasn't mentioned since. I am away with kids for the weekend at her fathers campground! My updates are us usually long and the next will be as well as I have some new info again and unfoldings. Nothing earth shaking but strange. I will do tomorrow or Monday. Thanks for checking in.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 305
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Look forward to hearing your updates. It really does help me to have other people going through similar situations. Keeps me from thinking I'm terminally unique. Obviously not at yours or anyone else's expense. If you know what I mean.


Me-LBH, 44
Spouse-WAW, 41
Married for 9 years
S, 7 S, 5
BD - November 20th 2015
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
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ok, update time

I have been posting on others threads and figured i will fill everyone in on my situation so maybe some things can make some sense or at least see how they work first hand.

Since my last few posts of testing things with wife i decided to pull away a little more again as I could see that I was the only one making any effort.

I let things go for a while. Got busy spending time with friends and kids. W had a wedding to go to that i really did not know anything about and it kind of bugged me a little but i was busy that weekend and it passed as things always do.

Had to see wife Wednesday of last week at kindergarten registration for he little guy. I was doing all of the paperwork when she got there and just acknowledged her and kept going. S5 looks at her and asks if he is sleeping at her house that night, which he was not, she said no then he said goo!, ouch, then proceeded to ask her then why is she there! He is a tough one.
So W and i were in line to turn in paperwork and i was planning on just keeping to myself but she started opening up about everything going on in her life. She has been teaching a lot more classes lately and missed a recital do to the wedding. She said I missed the recital because of this stupid wedding! I was quiet and just listened and validated her ramblings about it all. I must say i felt better hearing her say that even though it should have no effect.

We talked a lot and left generally happy. I had kids this weekend and we had to head up to her fathers campground last minute as i had to help with the concession area i run there. I called her to let her know the kids would not be in town and we talked a bit. Told her I would have the kids call while we were on the road. We called later and talked some more. After about an hour when we were there W sends me a message asking if we got there ok and just making sure we were ok. I responded accordingly and let her know some of our plans. I was getting the feeling she is missing doing some of these things.

Kids and i had a blast and they played hard over the 2 days. Saturday evening w called before bed and was very open about she was heading out to pick up a friend in town and do something. Normally she just tells she is going to "dinner" but for some reason she seemed like she was trying to be transparent.

We got home yesterday and w came to pick up kids while we were out doing a little yard work. the kids were not happy about leaving but both went running up to her and asked if we can all have dinner together, I kind of just kept doing what i was doing. Surprisingly she responded excitedly saying sure. I didnt acknowledge this. I have another lawn mower that i dont use from when we were together and she needed one at her place and asked about it a while ago. I told her i need to make sure it is in good running condition and may drop it later. She said she could take it now if i wanted to save a trip, I asked her how she would get it out of the truck and she started joking showing me her muscles and laughing. very odd.

She then said she will just let me do it. I was on a search for D7 ipod after they left and finally found it after quite a hassle. i called W to tell her I found it and would drop off with lawn mower. When i told her the story about finding it she was laughing and being very engaged, also very weird. I said i was going to shower then bring everything by, and then went out on a limb and asked if they wanted to do dinner together. She said yes very quickly. So we had dinner at her place, good time. we both were giving each other a lot of attention even while the kids were acting crazy. Got kids in bed and headed out. Then realized S5 had an event at school the next day we both forgot about. He had to be dressed up. i called her and we realized i have all of his dress clothes. I had to take some back to her and we laughed about how he is going to hate it.

Had some text back and forth today about a few things for kids as well.

So I said before things were strange with us, then i felt the traction wasnt going anywhere so i backed off, now i think things are even more strange. I was almost driven last night to tell her I had a really good time, I wanted to wait for her to say the same then I was going to ask her out alone. I stopped myself as I did not want to scare her way again.

So my moral here is I guess i need patience. I seemed once i pulled away that she came closer. Strange how the advice here actually is accurate, but it is on its owm timeline, not mine.
Am i saying we are going to start doing things together and get back together, no, but we are in a different place then we have been.

The part i am struggling with is determining if i need patience or need to push things forward. I guess if i feel the timing is right then i will, but right now it will be patience.

There were more details in all of this and makes things seem like we are more of moving towards each other, but i am pushing them off as I feel they could just be nothing.

Anyway, I hope some of those on here that are fairly new can see that I am over a year since BD, she moved out Novemeber 1, and just now do i feel things are different. You can actually speed things up if there is a chance of healing, you do this by getting out of the way! I can not stress that enough.

Believe me I did everything like i hear people here. Tried nicing her back, nope, thought my changes and 180s will stop it, nope. These things have to run there course while you become a better person.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 305
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Wow, good stuff. Reading your interactions confirms to me that my marriage as I knew it truly is dead. Now that doesn't mean we can't start a new relationship, or even a better one. I'm just concerned about falling into the friend zone. Not that I don't want to be her friend, but I sure you understand what I'm saying.


Me-LBH, 44
Spouse-WAW, 41
Married for 9 years
S, 7 S, 5
BD - November 20th 2015
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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OTW

I appreciate your update. I have read through your sitch and see many similarities to mine. The spending, my behaviors towards my W, etc.

It is a difficult pill to swallow as I take on a lot of the guilt for bringing my MR to where it is today.

I appreciate your comments about it having to run its course as I have been making the mistakes of trying to nice her back, 180 LRT and it has only been a short few months.

Thank you for sharing a land I commend you for your efforts and paitience over such a long period of time. Your example gives me hope and I lend you my support as you push on


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Yes! As part of my growing I never want my old marriage back. I see the things she did not like, i see things i did not like. It is almost crazy how clear things are now to me.

As far as the friend zone I do get that, but i also feel you have to be friends on some level. For me i battled with feeling she replaced me with her friends before BD and it caused a lot of tension. I now see that we need to actually connect on some of those levels in order for us to be happy together. I will never replace her friends nor try to but i do want her to see me like she sees them to some extent.

I also do not intend to stay in that friend zone, but it is a very integral part of rebuilding a relationship.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 305
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Originally Posted By: otw

I also do not intend to stay in that friend zone, but it is a very integral part of rebuilding a relationship.



Hmm... I think I needed to hear that today... Thanks
I'm not to that point yet, but down the road.


Me-LBH, 44
Spouse-WAW, 41
Married for 9 years
S, 7 S, 5
BD - November 20th 2015
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
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otw Offline OP
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JB
I actually got that from a DB coach and a IC. I used to be of the school where i didnt know if i believed it, but after the interactions W and I have been having I firmly believe it. When we first got togehter it was based first on physical attraction. I now truly enjoy her as a person and a friend .


Sad
the beginnings of this are tough. I know it. Take your blame own it and build yourself on it. Try not to get frustrated when you dont see results from your changes, (learned the hard way on that). I used to get so mad when i would be doing things to be better and she was still closed. I also would get so angry when i was trying to nice her back and she wouldnt even give me a thank you.
Wow i was mad.

Funny thing is you will get over all of it and still come out the other side a better person.


And on another note, I know i am not detached like everyone here will tell you to be. Obviously I would not be going through all that i am. But last week i was about to throw myself out there to her almost looking to get rejected because i was tired of the dance.
What i have learned though that if this doesnt work I am ok, sure i will love her for quite a while but im ok if i had my time with her and that was it.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 724
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Hey OTW,

I understand how you are feeling with wanting to test the water with W. I am thinking that if I have held off this long then I can wait until things get settled in my new place. You are past that point and have waited a long time.

I hope things work out for you.

If she wants to be with you she will find a way to be with you. Agreeing to the dinners is her wanting to be with you even if it is only for that point of time for that dinner.

Do what works and what you are doing is working slowly. Keep up the great work.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
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