Nope. You've got me totally right, Cherry!! My feeling good in my new jeans is just about me feeling better. It really does help my self-image and thoughts about the weight loss to have clothes that fit. I'm so glad that you've been doing so well on your trip. That makes me very happy.
BluWave, I really have to thank you. I don't know why, but what you wrote has helped me tremendously. I know that there will be plenty of crummy days yet to come, but I think that my perspective has shifted because of what you wrote. I really am starting to realize that I am OK on my own.
I just got some major stuff accomplished at my place AND I just met a local beekeeper (who happened to stop by to purchase 2 dozen of my birds' best eggs and decided to drive in and chat). This may be a very good thing for me. I've been wanting to keep bees for a few years now, and I have just never gotten around to it. He offered to help me get set up to keep my own hive, and I may just take him up on the offer! I'm thinking that maybe this is the year, so it's kind of an exciting and serendipitous development.
In addition to that, I went out and strolled my land a bit. I was out showing the metal scrapper who's been helping me clean up around here some more stuff that needs to be taken out and he was kind of in awe of my property. It was a nice reminder about all I have here. I'm not bragging, but it really is beautiful land in a beautiful place. Yet another reason my H is a blithering idiot. Who would want to leave me AND all this?
I just told my story to the lawn guy. He commented on how much we had been getting done since last year, and I just started by telling him it was just me getting things done these days. I was even able to keep smiling while I told the story, which is a huge improvement. I suppose that maybe I should keep my story to myself, but you know what? I'm alone now and it's not my fault. I'm starting to put aside the feelings of shame and failure that I have. I got a great hug and he reminded me that I need to take people up on their offers to help me right now, that I need to let people care for me and support me. He's right.
As I read what I just wrote, it strikes me that you are probably wondering why I have all these men around today??? They're just the ones that happened to stop by. Just saying that if there were women stopping by I'd be talking about them, instead!!!
Thank you everyone for all your support through my rough days, and for the encouragement on the good ones, too! It means a lot to me.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe, I love everything about this post! You are doing awesome!
You WILL be okay and you WILL come out a stronger and more confident woman. As you move along this journey, you will continue to find more silver linings. Embrace them. Allow yourself to grow in your confidence and independence. Continue to write it down here, or journal it somewhere else, and in your darker moments you can read it and remind yourself of where you are going.
You are going to be great, better than before. ... And yeah, your H is clearly an idiot. I hope for his sake he doesn't blow it entirely with you!
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I love seeing that you have had 2 days in a row of being on top of the world. It is a well deserved break for you and the best part is that you sound to be in control with PMA.
I am super excited for you and look forward to more reports of days such as these.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Hi SadHub and BluWave! Thank you for the votes of confidence.
Tomorrow I see a local lawyer, so it may be a tougher day. I see my therapist in the afternoon, so I'm looking forward to that. If the appointment with the lawyer gets me down, then I know I have someone to talk to already on my docket. I should be walking again tomorrow if all goes as planned, too.
I've been missing physical contact today, though I did get 3 hugs, or maybe because of it. A handful of nice hugs are not the same as the daily contact I had with H whenever we were together. That lasted right up until the last time we parted before he bailed. We went out to dinner, hugged and kissed and expressed our love and laughed together about an inside joke, and then he drove off to the other state for what was to be a couple days of work, and I drove home. It's a hard memory to replay. It reminds me of how confusing all of this is.
Touch is my main love language and I miss being touched by another person. Feeling sad just thinking about it, so I'm back to crying. Crap-tastic. I'm still going with the "let myself feel the pain" plan. It's passing already, so I think feeling the sadness and then releasing it is working.
This evening I've been thinking a lot more about H, and for a lot of reasons. I told my story twice today and then my walking friend came over for a while. H kept coming up, as she wanted to know how I was doing and what I'd heard from H. On the upside, she really seemed to notice that I was doing a lot better than last week, so that was good. I can laugh and smile now, last week that took real effort.
On the other hand, she pointed out how skinny I've gotten and asked me to stop losing weight. So it was back to feeling like I'm wearing my problems right out there in plain sight again.
Other than those couple things, It was a good day, maybe not as great as yesterday, but still a major improvement over this time last week. I'm going to call it a significant improvement.
Time to head out for the night. I'm still not sleeping in my own home at night. I spend the whole day here (or out and about), but every night I return to the place near my family. I like seeing them in the mornings, and having breakfast with them.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to practice PMA and heal. It is a process, but one that whether physically or emotionally takes time, a determined focus, mistakes, do overs, and did I say time?
Just focus on one thing at a time and that will minimize the anxiety. And you know that I know that is easier said than done, but it does work when it is done.
Sleep well.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Phoebe, it's your thread and you can talk about men or women or men and women.
You sound like you've found some sort of equilibrium. Keep working on you and your H may eventually realise that he is more than a blithering idiot to have left you.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Good morning! Super shaky this morning (actually seems like it might be getting more noticeable over time?), but mentally OK.
First stop this morning is the lawyer, and I have so much trepidation about it. I guess I'll figure it out as I go...
Have a good day, everyone. Wish me luck.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Well.... that wasn't a whole lot of fun, but it wasn't awful, either. Possibly the most uncomfortable part of the meeting with the L was him asking me, literally within minutes of meeting me, if I had seen a therapist to help me with my pain. Ugh. Very disempowering, and then he told me I needed to speak up. I've heard that for my entire life. Double Ugh.
Anyway, I learned a lot, and that was why I went there. We talked a lot about the issue of jurisdiction, spousal support, asset distribution, the usual stuff. He said that mine is one of the few cases where it might actually make a difference who files first, simply because it will likely proceed in whichever state the suit is initiated in. That matters in my case due to the support issue, as that varies between states. Not that I couldn't survive without it, but I'd rather have it, considering the way I feel. I certainly know I'm not fit to work full time right now! The hand shaking is getting worse, so I can't imagine doing the work I am licensed to do, even while the rest of me seems to be doing better. Strange, but there it is.
So my therapist has now asked me to do twice daily meditation/relaxation for 15-20 minutes. He actually suggested it already, but I didn't do it, and now he pretty much insists. Sooo... he guided me through a 12 minute round of muscle-guided relaxation in-office, and I'll do it on my own from now on, or something like it.
He's not happy about the shaking or the weight loss, so he says I need to find a way to calm myself and now he's also on me about eating more. If there's one thing I have never liked in this world, it's the feeling that I am disappointing someone, and I guess I feel that way right now. I'm sure he doesn't want me to think I've disappointed him, but I guess I do. Another person telling me I need to take better care of myself.
I. AM. TRYING.
So, I'm sitting here drinking a Carnation instant breakfast kind of concoction made with buttermilk. Mmmmm... the tartness of the buttermilk cuts the sicky sweetness of the Carnation, and the end result is a bit like chocolate-flavored kefir. Not too awful, I guess, but not so great, either. It's calories, I guess, but it's not an experiment I want to repeat. Had to pitch the last third of it. Blech.
Now I am going to go for a walk. It's cloudy and a chilly and a bit drizzly, but it's always good to be outdoors.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
