I follow your thread for I love your sense of humor and how you've handled the sitch magnificently.
Regarding H's recent comments, I would have responded:
"I'm sorry that you feel this way. This is your choice to set up your own dorm room that is a biohazard, refusing to clean up the dishes, pretending to be a Dad for 15 minutes each day, running off on vacations like a frat boy, and chasing some ethereal happiness like some Peter Pan while I hold the fort down and be the stable parent to the boys. Exactly what is it you would like for me to do? I have zero desire to be your mother. I am your wife. You are a father to two boys. You have shown zero responsibility around here and that's the CHOICE you made right there. We have never asked for this and we have done nothing wrong."
It's time that you speak up now and then instead of stuffing everything down ALLLL the time.
I echo Wonka. She's got a great response. And biy is she right, that it's time for you to speak up for yourself.
Back in the day of vet DB'ers, it wasn't always STFU all the time. A big part of DBing is to say what you got to say when it's appropriate. Not hold it all in. Honesty is OK.
He is giving you an ultimatum. Either you STFU and let him do his thing the way he wants and how he wants, or he will go. That's why he hasn't made the decision himself. Sure, he will stay if you do what he wants. But if you don't, then he'll go.
Personally, I think he needs to fall on his face because he ever moves past this. And he will fall on his face living on his own. You've taken care of all the responsibilities so far. If he had to take care of his own, he would be in for a real shocker.
Wow GOOD stuff Wonka. You sure do write a pointed truth dart letter. I am going to give it the 24 hour rule and then I am ready to launch a reality check and stand up for myself.
And Ginger, I agree. He is giving me an ultimatum. He is telling me to STFU and be a Stepford Mother (not a Stepford wife) or he will walk out on me. I don't think he liked my judgment of his solo frat boy vacation. I think he wants me to live here, let him party, clean up and smile my way through it all. I think he wants me to believe I AM the lucky one here.
Oooooh . . . so scary that he'll move out!! Funniest part: my life will be WAAAY easier! Ginger, he will fall over after 1 week. And guess what? This weekend I had a taste of flying solo myself and it was all sugar!
And if I lose him I haven't lost ANYTHING at all as truly he is a TOTAL loser right now.
One of my BIGGEST regrets is that I did not immediately stand up for myself after he sent me that filthy letter. I lost a piece of myself that day. This is my chance to get that girl back.
Thing is, he has threatened like this before. In the letter he wrote that if I did not do x, y and z (all very superficial things) to let him know "immediately" so he could move forward with his other plans. He had told me his "eyes" were opened to other options.
The way he wrote "immediately" made it sound like he just had 20 women waiting to fawn over him; feed him grapes and clip his toes nails with their teeth. It took me some time to get my bearings; it was so mean, that letter. When I did finally stand up for myself, all bupkis! He did absolutely nothing.
But I learned that in MLC, he is an emotional terrorist. He doesn't spew too much and yell. But he is extremely manipulative. This is EXACTLY the way his mother got him to do stuff as a kid. And that's where he learned it folks.
This whole "stay out of my conversations" seems to be a common theme. H played chess with s10 and when S12 came to comment on the game h snapped "mind your own business. You don't get that concept!" Which is exactly what he is saying to me: let me do what I want, when I want, how I want with no consequences. Like a spoiled teenager who should have phone taken away and lose driving privelages.
And I am happy to have the documentation between us. He is telling I am bad because I went s10's lemonade stand and I send back a letter detailing that he is live-in Disney dad.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, I think what Wonka posted is spot on and perfect. Put the ball back in his court. He made the choice to live in a room and make it his dorm room, smelly and whatever else is growing in there. No one told him to do that. If he wants to leave, let him make that decision for himself...don't help him out the door. He is acting like a spoiled brat who wants mom to blow her top and tell him to leave. It sounds like he's been thinking about the split and two households for a while. So, if he wants that, he needs to decide when it will happen. If he can't take the heat in the kitchen, then he'll have to leave...but Wonka's comments are exactly what he needs to hear. I wouldn't be surprised if he says he's moving out. If he says it, I would be sorely tempted to say "whatever" and go on about your business.
I really would love to wring his neck and then knock some sense into him. He doesn't realize what he has at home...stupid fool.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
WaWho that sounds like a random turn of events, sorry he must be totally insane.
I'm not sure what he is asking you to decide, could you clarify? Is it a "stay out f his conversations / interactions with the kids OR I'm leaving and demanding 50/50 split?" Sorry I just don't see the relevance of the question or how it will help the situation. If you are forced to stay out of their discussions it will mean it is another aspect of YOUR life that he screws up.
Maybe you should bring to his attention that he could have the kids' undivided attention if he planned things with them and spent even a few hours a week with them.
Good luck honey, I don't envy you at all.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I'm not sure it's an ultimatum as much as a threat designed to "scare" you into doing/behaving the way he wants.
My h pulls that crap all the time .... I'm going to do this or that or whatever, which is really a veiled threat designed to regain control because he thinks I'm afraid of losing him. It looks to me like your h thinks the same about you.
I think the best way to deal with that kind of stuff is to just reply, "Well, I don't see anyone standing in your way." It sure takes the wind out of my h's sails and as Job said, it puts the ball back in his court.
HW, don't beat yourself up because you didn't stand up for yourself "immediately." I think it's better to digest the sitch and come up with a calm, reasoned response that was not in the heat of the moment.
Something tells me you aren't the kind of girl to fly off the handle but more the kind that gives serious thought to how to handle things before you take action.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2Times is correct...they do use "scare tactics" to get us to do what they want. Your h could very well be bluffing and yes, sometimes, they threaten moving out, divorce, etc. It's a control tactic and once they get what they want, they calm down and go about their merry way. If he wants to leave, he can leave...that's his choice, but don't make it for him.
Let's face it, the man is unhappy w/his life and he just doesn't have a clue as to how to escape the dorm room w/o your help. LOL!
Sometimes we have to step back and digest what they've said and/or done before responding/reacting to what they want.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Sweetie, I thought some conflict was bound to happen when he returned. You and the boys have had a taste of what life could be like without MLCmadness2016, and H's ... well, he's probably come back to his dormroom and begun to realize it's at best smelly.
Think long and hard about what YOU want, then take the steps necessary to make that your reality.
Does this make sense to you?
Sending you hugs. You have put up with so much with such grace and humor. I marvel at your patience and fortitude. You are correct, you do not need to be bullied.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks all. I am still digesting. I talked to my DB coach last night and I'll give you her feedback.
Esame - yes, he says I need to butt out or he wants to split the kids 50/50. My gut tells me that he has realized the kids are not that bonded to him, he's mad about it and he's blaming it on me. He can't see or admit it's him.
I think what happened with the lemonade stand hurt him deeply and that too he blames on me. He had this day planned with s10 and when s10 invited me h got REALLY mad. He said he would bow out and I think he expected S10 to back out on me and go with him. But s10 told him he could go with s12 while I would take him to the lemonade stand. That must've hurt. But he shouldn't have put the kid in that spot. It was very immature and there's that Queen Bee mean girl thing he does.
H has been quite the h€llcat since returning. Something set him off. Lots and lots of anger coming to the surface.
S12 had a late start school day yesterday. On these days he and I usually grab a drink at a cafe and hang out before I go to work and he goes to school. We both look forward to it.
Here's another example of how hard h's trying and failing with the kids. He asked to take S12 out for breakfast on the late start day. S12 graciously said no, I was taking him. I stayed silent. He thinks I butt in and "steal" them away. H then tried other bribing, fun tactics. "We can go get a hot drink before school." S12 says he will shower and then I will take him. I stay silent so he can see it's not me. He is trying to do the exact thing he accuses me of! S12 says we already have plans and h tries to bulldoze his way through. Perhaps I should have said: "would you like to join us?" I may do this next time. Did not think of it yesterday plus he is so mad at me for everything.
He sent me a really angry text yesterday, too. Listen to what an insecure teenager he is. S12 is a very good chess player. He can beat decent adult players and has the gift of setting moves well in advance. He beat his friend's dad and the guy is pretty good. I stink! I capture his queen and then 10 moves later accidentally lose my own to a pawn. It takes so much concentration to protect all those pieces!! Argh.
So we come home yesterday and S12 says to his dad that he wants to play chess with him. H says they don't have a lot of time. I tousle s12's hair and say it shouldn't take long (as he beats people fast and h is not very good either).
Well, he sends me this text that I insulted his intelligence and that he had to prove himself by beating son to disprove me when he wanted to be kind to s12 in the game. Funny thing is: he sort of cheated to win! No lie!! S10 had a pawn make it to the end, asked for his queen back and h took a turn before letting S10 finish his move with that queen (who had checkmate). How old is he there!!!
Job, I see that he is at that age where I can't do anything right and he is sensitive about EVRRYTHING. I let it sit and then imagined him as my son not my h. Then I said: "I am sorry for the joke. It was meant to spur friendly rivalry as he's beating people very quickly. He sure beat me quick." He did not respond. But when he came home he did a chore (right in front of me and VERY obviously) that I always do and he has not done in years. I thanked him.
So, the DB coach said to let his mesage sit. And not to react to it. She suggested addressing his issues directly and individually and not yet bringing up my own yet as I would just be reacting to him. It would turn into tit-for-tat. I know this is different advice from what's been given. Mulling it all over. The time will come where such a conversation needs to take place, but is it now in reaction to him?
Thing is: I think I should have stayed quiet in the lemonade stand situation as I did with the late start. He is looking to blame someone for his cruddy relationship with the kids and I have a bull's eye on my forehead. If I had stayed silent he would have seen I am not manipulating things. They just aren't that bonded to him. If I isolated myself out of it he would have to see it's not me. And it can't be both kids. That leaves one person.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
By the way, one other reason to focus on his issues with me interfering in his relationship with the kids is that this is the issue at hand. That's where he is focusing right now. And he seems to be obsessed by it. He can't figure it out.
It is in everyone's best interest if he fixes his relationship with these kids. I am very secure in my bond with my kids. I have been there for them their whole lives. He has been MIA for 2 years. I think it is good for him to fix it. Right now he thinks it's broken because of me. The only way to show him the truth is to zip it and let him see the truth unfold.
The lemonade stand would have unfolded he same way as the late start day. S12 didn't want to go with h. I received no wrath on the late start day as I let them work it out and yet tons for the lemonade situation. Therein lies the solution.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
