Forgiveness and trust require risk, but without risk we AREN'T fully alive. -- that's what I meant to say!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hi NYGal! I'm so happy to read your latest developments. Just wanted to offer something about forgiving/getting over an affair that a MC said to me and WAH after I discovered his EA (PA?) a few years ago. We were still living in the same house so it may have to wait until you reach that point.
What she suggested was that we set aside half an hour a day for me to ask any questions I wanted to ask about the A and talk about how I was feeling. H had to answer openly and honestly etc, then that was it. Done for that day. She said it prevents the WAS from feeling overwhelmed with questions about the affair and constant guilt trips. If they know that it will only be brought up for half an hour a day it is more manageable. Another thing she suggested was to go out together once a week, during which time you are not allowed to talk about the A or day to day issues (like kids in our case). Just having fun and reconnecting.
I think you're handling things brilliantly by not rushing into things.
NYGal, your story is one of such optimism. It's good to hear about someone whose story is getting better. It gives the rest of us a glimmer of something like hope.
We may never get to that point with our spouses, but learning about your healing process is very important. Many, if not most, of us have been deeply betrayed and will need to relearn how to trust if we are to ever recover from this experience.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
W asked me this morning if I could trust her again and forgive her.i said yes. The key is how she treats me. If there is love and affection I can feel safe. If not, then that's a different story.
We are talking a lot of R talk. Mostly she initiates. It's good because we need to get some things out. And we are discussing a weekend away in a few weeks. We travel well together. I have to check and see if I can get away the weekend she mentioned. She texted back and said we will find plenty of weekends if that one won't work. 😀
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
You're doing well. As for trust, just tell her that takes actions and time. Words are meaningless. She doesn't need to waste time with "I promise you can trust me this time..." We all know words mean nothing. Actions and time is what it takes and she has to know there are no more strikes. She has now gotten a second second chance from you which is very gracious of you. She should know that's rare and she should be thankful for it. I wouldn't give my W a second second chance. If she so much as texted another male, even if it was innocent, and deleted the text so I wouldn't see it, that would be it. I'd be gone. I admire and respect your graciousness. I hope your W appreciates it.
I'm struggling with some jealousy issues. W and I spent a nice afternoon together yesterday, after a nice morning the day before. She had scheduled dinner with a single woman who's an acquaintance and friend of friends last night, so I left the house at about 4:15. Well, the dinner lasted 3 hours, and she called me afterwards to say what a nice person this is -- unlike ow. But I got a little insecure about the comparison.
Some background. We are still taking things slowly, but everything seems to be progressing ok. The biggest hurdle is that she thinks she has ruined my reputation with some friends because of the vile things she has said about me to justify her decision to leave me for ow. She has said some really nice things, though, like that the colors in the garden are so much more vibrant when I'm there with her. But she has also said she wants less "co-dependency" in a R with me. (Then it turns out it was ow who labeled us as co-dependent...) And the way she intends to be less co-dependent is to do things with other people more. So she described the woman she had dinner with as one of those new friends she "needs". She is still dealing with some significant shame over what she did to me/us. And wants to know people still like her. But I find this threatening.
Then this morning she called to say good morning, texted to say "when we get back together let's invite [work colleague] and his wife over for dinner" because he has been so supportive of us as a couple. Then she called again to invite me to a fundraising event. BUT THEN called again to say, oops, double booked, she's going to a birthday party with some mutual friends that night(two of the people she trashed me to...) and she's not ready to be public about our possible reconciliation. So never mind about the fundraiser...
That hurt my feelings. Not sure how to take all this.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I'm sorry, that is definitely inconsiderate. It sounds to me like she is flailing around a little, not sure of what she's doing or wants to do.
I think the dinner out with single, new female (available?) is completely outrageous if she says she wants to reconcile with you. I don't understand where she's coming from with that at all. Did you know about that dinner before you spent the afternoon with her? That would have made me pull completely back.
The co-dependency issues she should discuss with a counselor, or better, the two of you in couples counseling. Maybe there were real issues, and she's trying to get to them. I'd take this seriously and agree to talk about it. Combined with the dinner above, it sounds like she is afraid of being too much a part of a unit and that she somehow has lost herself a little? But doing things separately is not going out with a potential flirt!
The 'when we get back together' sounds to me like she's taking you for granted. I would be tempted to become a lot less available if I were you. I would make very sure she's not envisioning a future in a sort of open relationship.
I can understand not announcing the reconciliation. She was quick to announce the split and the new R with OW, so maybe she learned that it was not a good idea to involve other people in what was going on so quickly. However, the dinner with the friends she trashed you to, would be a great opportunity to tell them that she regrets the things she said and they came out of her own guilt. She doesn't have to say anything about a future R with you.
Just my 2c...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
WOW! Sounds like things are heading in a more positive direction.
Be cautious! Piecing things back together is hard work for both of you. Has it been a while since you spoke with your DB Coach? I'm sure your coach will be enormously helpful right now.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Hi NYG, now this is just my take but I suspect your W became fearful of losing you. And things tailed off with OW, so she was dropped. From your positive reaction, your W has become reassured of your availability. However, she's also gone into a bit of a spin. Now she 'has you' - is that what she really wants?
I had a similar thing with my H - the 'friendships' he wanted to pursue were those with young, attractive, single or divorcing women. When I raised concerns, he said I was overreacting and he had female friends and enjoyed their company - blah, blah.
I would suggest drawing back a little. Let yourself become 'the pursued' again - without necessarily saying anything to your W.
Sorry there are some teething problems - but my understanding is - piecing never successfully happens without a rocky road along the way.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
