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NYGal Offline OP
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Can't find either Realitytrip or Labug. Seems the search is not working.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Hi NYGal! I'm so happy to read your new title and all that has been going on with you! I agree that you still need to DB but maybe not as dark. I don't know if you recall but I'm on my second trip to this site and I really do feel that I let H back way to easily last time because I was just so thrilled that he wanted to come back at all. I didn't set boundaries and let him walk all over me - I definitely regret being such a doormat about his return.

That said though, I see lots of positive signs for you and W and I'm so happy for you! Keep calm! You sound like you are not going to just cave in and be all hearts and flowers straight away, which I think is good, take it slowly! Keeping everything crossed for you!


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
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There you go!

topics by labug


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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I haven't been round the newcomers for a while and I can't tell you how pleased I am for you. You knew all along that you were meant to be together, and you did/ still doing all you can to start afresh. I have no advice to give you, but I'm so pleased for you that things are getting better. You have been such a great support for me and I will follow all your new exciting news.

Take care my friend :-)

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Hi NYG, I'm glad things have taken a more positive turn. From your POV, I would aim for warm and open - and equally very much in favour of taking things slow.

I would certainly think it's a good idea to dip a toe in and start some tentative dating for a few months to see how steady things seem with her. If she gets drawn back to OW during that time, you can back right off as it's boundary time.

However, if she is consistent, you can warm things up a little more. What I wouldn't do at this early stage is trust. I would merely be open to possible R and willing to see how things go. But bear in mind - given her recent choices - she has just joined the ranks of any woman you may choose (or not choose) to develop a R with.

So, all good I think as long as you bear in mind the things that have real value - not words, or actions today - but time and consistency - and it's early days thus far.

Please don't even consider giving up your own place or moving back in together. You have plenty of time to see how things go and for you to move at a pace where you are comfortable and reassured.

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. I know these next few days and weeks feel like I'm sliding on banana peels but I have to keep my wits about me!
And thanks for finding the labug posts for me!


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
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otw Offline
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well!!!!!!!

give us some good news!


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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NYGal Offline OP
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Still making progress. We are texting and calling, but still taking it slowly. Most importantly, ow is out of the picture. W says she is feeling better than she thought she would this week about everything. She does most of the initiating, but I do respond to her texts within a reasonable amount of time. She mentioned that she thought it was rude of ow to wait "sometimes 9 hours" to respond to texts, and said she was glad I never did that... so, sometimes that technique can backfire, friends.

We've reached a point where we are being gentle and kind to each other. One night she texted and asked me to call. Then she called two times. I was in a meditation class, so didn't get the messages until later. When I texted back that I would be able to call her back after 9, she said ok. Then she texted again and said she was going to bed. But she was also thoughtful enough to add, "Nothing to worry about. Just tired. Let's talk tomorrow."

I think at this stage, it's very important to focus on kindness and understanding. She does most of the talking and I do most of the listening. I do tell her when things she's saying make me uncomfortable so that we can talk it through. Like when she said she doesn't see her having a friendship with ow, but maybe sometime in the future... I said that might be difficult for me. I said I can work on forgiveness, but I don't want her to be in the picture and threatening our relationship again. She agreed and said she wouldn't ever allow that to happen, so if it means no friendship, that's ok too. I do believe she was just seeing where I am on that issue. I don't believe she wants to be friends w her, and I do believe she doesn't want to hurt me that way. They work together on occasion, so that could be difficult.

W also mentioned that we should talk about possibly living outside of our town for part of the year (i.e. in retirement) and I said I'd be happy to talk about that. (That was a lie. I'd actually be ecstatic to talk about that!)

Twice she has mentioned a trip we had talked about taking with some friends. The first time, I said it might be too early to look into that. She said ok. The second time she brought it up, several days later, I said, do you want to plan that? She said it's probably too early! So we are both being cautious.

No promises have been made yet. This morning she texted and asked if I'm sure I want to take her back, and asked if I can get over her betrayal without retaliating. I texted back a quotation from a book by Desmond Tutu about how forgiveness helps us find freedom from the hatred and anger we sometimes feel when we have been wronged: "...it's the process of taking back and healing our lives so we can truly live."


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
O
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so question for you.

besides being excited that she wants to start moving things back in the direction of together, How do you feel about the forgiveness and getting over all that has been done and trusting that it wont happen again?

I am very curious on this. I often wonder if I would always be wondering if the bottom falls out again.

By know means trying to scare you, I am actually curious for myself. I know we all need to forgive and move forward but how is that going for you?


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 1,415
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NYGal Offline OP
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At some point, we need to forgive and learn to trust again. I'm not completely back to the trusting. The other night, when W called and said she was depressed and wanted to talk, I had an immediate fear overtake me. My chest hurt, my throat tightened. I was afraid she was going to say she changed her mind again and couldn't live without ow or something. I let her talk. I validated. It had little or nothing to do with ow. When she said what she had to say, I told her how I felt when she started the conversation. I told her that I felt better after we talked about it all. And I let her know that I had fear that she would slide back into something with ow. She reiterated in a firm voice that no, that's "done." I asked, "what if she starts calling and texting you again, do you have the resolve to resist it?" She said yes, that's done. Her willingness to keep talking about it helps me regain the trust.

So, I think when it comes to getting over a betrayal like an A, it's important to ask the questions we need answers to. It's ok not to be detached or pretend to be. It's good to be honest, and loving and kind.

I also believe it's really important to do the deep work it takes to feel strong enough about our own boundaries so that we know we can live without the person if they (or we) mess up again. (I can't say I'm there, but I keep working on my own growth, independence, and inner strength. Easier said than done,and much easier when the partner is wanting to reconcile. It's a continuing growth process.)

I haven't asked her to block ow or refuse to talk to her or anything like that. It's important to W that she feels it's her choice, and that she can do it on her own. She's trying to regain her strength and sense of integrity. So it's not appropriate for me to insist on absolute transparency at this point. If we actually do get back together, before that's even possible we will certainly talk about these issues some more. It's important for the wayward spouse to be willing to do what it takes to BE trustworthy. And it's important that we have the willingness to forgive. Forgiveness and trust require risk, but without risk we are fully alive.

There are plenty of sources out there on how to regain trust and how to forgive. It comes down to the fact that it's better for us if we can let go of that anger and hatred and find peace.

Again, I'm not there completely yet. I don't want to give a false impression. But I work on it all the time.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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