11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I like the title of your new thread, NYGal!! It sounds like a good direction.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Things are looking up and we are moving into the treacherous waters of reconciliation. I can see how fragile this new phase is already. OW is out of the picture. But not completely out of W'sthoughts. She is grieving that, which I understand is normal. She says adamantly that she's done w her, and that she has known from the beginning it wasn't right. But I can tell she's not feeling real strong yet.
I've said over and over that I don't want her to come back to me because she doesn't want to be alone. But I'm pretty sure all her temp checking, especially recently, was to make sure if she ended it with ow that she wouldn't be alone.
She says she wants to work toward a resumption of our R, but I know she's still frightened and not confident.
She says I'm her anchor, and that she needs me.I feel the same. How do we get through these tough conversations and still manage to have some fun?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
She hasn't said specifically what she's afraid of. She says she has low level depression. She feels weak. Wants to make sure she has integrity. Maybe she is afraid of us failing again as a couple.
She said she never got over me and would wake up every morning and think of me. She wants it to work for us. I think she's out of the fog.
How do I be the lighthouse?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Nygal, I think there are aspects of dbing you should stick to. Acting as if, GALing, 180s and monitoring what works.
While you don't need to go dark or even dim now, you could perhaps still keep your hand on the dimmer switch. Match your brightness to W's, and see how she reacts.
I do think that your W needs to work out her issues though but I don't think you need to solve them all at once.
You go girl!
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I've said over and over that I don't want her to come back to me because she doesn't want to be alone. But I'm pretty sure all her temp checking, especially recently, was to make sure if she ended it with ow that she wouldn't be alone.
So are you OK with that?
Originally Posted By: NYGal
She says I'm her anchor, and that she needs me.I feel the same.
That you need her? How will you break yourself of that?
I am so so happy to hear that things are heading in such a positive direction.
There will be a lot of feelings coming up for both of you as you start to spend time together. They will be uncomfortable for sure... Fear, hurt, guilt, anger etc. Please consider using a good (get referrals, it is so important) couples therapist to help navigate the feelings so you both are aware and less reactive.
Please read some of the stories on here of couples who made it. Realitytrip and Labug are two good ones.
And most importantly, keep GALing and working on you. Reconciliation can be a bumpy ride and W has her own work to do too..you will need strength, courage and wisdom. Keep using DB principles and posting to help you navigate your emotions.
And smile today Nygal.. Smile a lot. Then do the work of looking inward and growing.
Ps.. Your update made me smile today too.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I understand that W's fear of being alone is something she's got to work on. So I'm ok with that for now. But I'm not interested in being in a R with her if it's for that reason. That won't work. We both agree we want any new R to be good for us both, fulfilling, mature, fun, and that it will involve lots of love and taking care of each others' heart.
Some of her doubt came through in a text. She sent me a heart and said she was thinking about me this morning. By the time I responded, her flight had already taken off (she's traveling a lot the next two weeks.) I sent a pic of sunshine and a plane taking off, and said "safe travels". Her response? Nice of you to still care. Just landed! Not sure if that was sarcasm or self-doubt, or neither! I think it's important to strike a balance between caring and detachment. We are both feeling vulnerable.
I will read Realitytrip again, and Labug is one I've not read yet. Thanks, all.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
