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Originally Posted By: DDJ
oh, and my WW is convincing herself that i must be seeing someone else, as i'm going out so much 'by myself' and want to join the gym - these are all the things that she started doing because of someone else.


Most likely, WW is projecting her thoughts on to you. She wants to see OM so she accuses you of seeing another woman. It's part of the fog. My ex accused me of cheating as well.

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Just do things for you. The answer you gave her was great, but do not overdue (overuse) it. Do not start any R talks with her. Just act happy and relaxed when you are around her.

You do not have to visit the forum if you do not want to, nobody will be offended. Sometimes you will find you need a break from it, please take it and when you feel the urge to reconnect, do so. It is more about listening to yourself, much more than you've listened to yourself while you were a couple.

Stay strong buddy, you are doing extremely well. And do not be too hard on yourself, these things take time, a lot of time...

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That makes sense dream. It kind of validates her selfishness, if i'm also selfish. I am staying strong, but need to muster up the courage to face this demon, which is really this forum. I need to not forget why and where i'm going.

Also, linking to what Sandi says about the wandering that must truly be in the past. That waywardness includes stubbornness and selfishness. The journey that we are on is to also lose our own stubbornness and selfishness.

We are stubborn in that we can't see our lives without our WW/WHs and we're selfish because we are not willing to let them go. If we can do both, then like Vanilla stated so eloquently, we will be two steps ahead of them, and might not want them back - but that's also ok!


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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so WW did a great temp check earlier, she's sitting on the lounge, moves over and hugs me and asks me "Do you still love me". To which i reply " i don't think that I do anymore". I don't hug her back, acting like i want my space. I actually do want my space.

My tummy is not turning at all, but now i'm hungry, and need to eat! Finally.


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ok, so my WW could not let go of me this morning. Its been 6 days of detaching and she is no longer on her phone (in my company). It appears she is no longer chatting to the OP or any OM. I can't tell what she's doing at work but I can see that she is genuinely concerned that I do not want to be married to her anymore.

She just called me now, crying, stating that the wknd she spent by her cuz (with her son as company), drinking and partying with old school friends is not the life that she wants to live. I told her that I cannot tell her how to live her life, she needs to decide what she wants from it.

She is happy to go for IC and i'm sorting that out today. I need to try and not lose sight of how I got here. I've realised that i've always reacted, in my love-life, my Rs, my work. I need to learn to not react and just take a step back and think about things. My face has always given my emotions away, I need to learn to control myself and my emotions. What a lesson!


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@Painter - I also realised that I have always enabled her drinking, as i'm the one that buys it 95% of the time. So i think that i'm going to stay sober, going to give it a go for the month of May. With our holiday looming it will be nice to see what she does.


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So i received a total of 3 unsolicited TMs after the call from WW...

"I want us to work on us, this is not the type of life i want to live. We need to talk and discuss the way forward for us and what we want, how we gonna make us work. Since we already made plans alone for the week, we have to see it through but i do not want us to do things apart. Maybe once a month or something but not everyday. Please think about it."

I replied that I need to work on myself, so we need to be apart before we can truly be together again. I think she's realising how crappy being a single parent really is.

But this week, i'm off to gym, watching movies with my brothers, going to the rugby without her on saturday too. I need to GAL, somehow she needs to too.


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Freaking amazing DDJ. You are doing a fantastic job. You are a great example of how detaching actually works! I hope others that are struggling with detachment will see how this has worked for you.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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DDJ,

That is awesome! You're an inspiration.

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Thx guys, I still need to detach even more, so that she can detach too. I had to go through the grief of the loss of my marriage and she needs to go through it too.

Am thinking of having her move to her dad's place for a month. If I do not show her the consequences of her actions, then she will never learn. Ultimately, she needs to lose me before she will realise that she wants me back.

I think she is still a little bit in the fog. So gotta keep pushing forward.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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