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LandC Offline OP
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Hi Annab74
Well do you still love him?
today did not go so well! Didn't sleep well, woke up at 4 am crying and missing him. Finally got back to sleep and had a lovely dream - second one this week, of my H and I in our kitchen hugging. Sadly that didn't keep my attitude very well adjusted and just went into melting down spiral all day. Just went to see my therapist and that's helping. Face to face with my life long codependent behaviors and how much they have cost me in terms of creative expression, relationships, over care taking and financial security. The truth really [censored] sometimes. If I had 15,000 to spare I'd go check into the Bridge to Recovery in Kentucky. I asked my therapist if there was 'shock therapy' for codependency...that would be nice, huh?
Tonight will get some sleep and tomorrow will be a better day.
interesting that my therapist was at one point separated from his wife for 2 years and then got back together- he said from men's point of view - they feel relief for a while then start to wonder what the hell they're doing...helloooooooo

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LandC Offline OP
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hi DBers,
I don't know how you all keep up with all these forums and posts...how does this work? Will anyone see this?
Yesterday was a wash - I was so sleep deprived just gave up and realized - nothing good will happen in my brain today- and proceeded to watch 3 hours of Netflix.
Today - a different attitude.
I spoke to my DB coach yesterday and he gave me some great advice on how to respond to an email my husband sent last SAturday. So hard not signing it with 'love'.
I was brief and to the point and friendly but didn't even address his mention of 'legal' details. It's not even 3 weeks!
The more I read here the stronger my faith grows that we can make it work and I have a lot of power to change the course of events.
He has no idea what I know now...the secret DB code!
Started my solution journal - we shall see his response to my email...My DB coach helped me realize not to make up stories about a financial situation so as not to piss of my H...which would have been my normal codependent route - avoid conflict at any cost.
Really scary just being honest and not going into a long explanation and a 'story'. So tired of having to explain myself to feel I might get a crust of love!

I am blathering on. Love to hear from anyone out there and read what's happening with you today?

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LandC,

Self care is important. Sleep is tough for me too. When you are low on sleep just keep in mind that is a poor time to talk to your H. Even if you want to, do your best to avoid communicating when you are overly tired.

Sounds like you might be in the dark as to what is really going on?? Why do you think H left and now says he's done?

As far as how this works - I'm new too. What I do is journal on my own thread when there is something on my mind. I recommend also going to other threads to look for similar situations to find out what works and what doesn't.

Just remember, you are not alone.

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Hi LandC,
I agree with annab that you are in a way better position than a lot of us were when we came here. You sound much stronger than I did when I was in your position.

The most important thing that you can do now is to take care of yourself. So that you will have the strength and the clarity of mind to fight this war.

Time is a gift because in time to come, your H may see that you're not the cause of his unhappiness. Also, because he doesn't see you so often now, time is a gift for you to make changes to yourself so that he will see a new and improved you.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Hi LandC! I'm just catching up on your posts today and am sorry for my late reply.

You can read all of my gory details over on my threads, so I won't trouble you with the details. No, my H shows no signs of wanting to recooncile. In fact, the last time I saw him, he said that working on our marriage would feel like 'giving up on himself." How's that for self-involvement?

I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading. Be sure to go out and read other people's threads and post on them! By reaching out, you start to establish ties to others in the group. This site is a web of support if you weave yourself into it.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Hi LandC,

I love seeing your PMA in each of your posts. It gives me hope and knowledge that in spite of the loss of the emotional control that one can still draw the strength needed to maintain a positive attitude and approach.
In my sitch unfortunately some well needed space between my WAW and I did not happen soon enough and the close proximity melted down what may have been a potentially positive journey, into a nightmare that seems almost impossible to overcome. That being said, I still hold out some hope that the future can bring healing, peace and reunion. But for now, there is some DB work that must be done.

Thank you for sharing and I love the positive outlook you have. That is contagious and I enjoy the opportunity to keep up with you in your DB journey. You sound to be in a great place and armed with some very powerful information that you will benefit from.

Great choice on the DB coach. Mine has been very helpful and points out the good that I am doing in my efforts. Very inspirational.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Hi TJCran,
Oh, I am not in the dark as to why the fight we had was so destructive - we actually haven't been 'fighting' a lot lately at all. But we do have a pattern that developed over the years that when allowed to escalate ends up being very damaging. I'm the pursuer and he's the avoider and the more I feel he's ignoring me the more i keep 'poking' him verbally trying to get him to respond and on and on. The night we had the fight he was very tired and stressed from work - and obviously more stressed than I realized, and when i look back I think of all the signals of what he really needed that I didn't give him. A massage and quiet would have been best!

I've been reading a lot about attachment theory - he's the avoidant dismissive and I'm the anxious preoccupied. Supposedly this is a very common duo and now that I know this it's like a chandelier went off in my head- DUH! WHy doesn't anyone tell us this when we get married?

I watched some fascinating videos by Dr. Sue Johnson who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy that is based on this. I trigger his flight response, the cortisol floods his system and voila! In the past a fight would cause him to withdraw and take longer than me to recover - so I am keeping this in mind now as well, knowing that if/when he comes around it will take a lot longer than it does me. I feel my task is to work on myself, get a better job and slowly hope his heart opens up and he softens a bit. This is a guy who was sending me whatsapp messages 3 days before our fight telling me he wanted me to come and cuddle for naptime. He is in total self protection mode and just thinks right now he has to either be alone or be with me which he 'thinks' will be stressful.
Hope this hasn't been to long of a read!
thanks for keeping up with my story...how are you? I need to read your thread. How do I add you as a buddy?
thanks!

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LandC

At this point it is important that you recognise the importance of your codependency and recover. Have you attended a coda group?

Mixing with others who have similar issues and attending twelve steps will help. Repairing yourself is important and more so than any other single thing you can do to repair your sitch.

This is a tough gig and others here before you have healed and grown from codependency. You are aware of that which you need to do and it can be done. There may very well be childhood issues that you want to address, at nearly 62 years of age I have had to at long last address my childhood! And it was painful, you would think that childhood would be resolved. Codependency has its roots in your FOO and you will need to know to face the pain and address it.

One of the most important things I have learned in my short time posting on this board is that knowing your ACE score and resiliency is vital to healing of our hearts and to building a new healthy R and M.

So where does this pattern of arguing and squabbling have its roots?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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LandC Offline OP
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A DB Small Victory!!!Hi Vanilla and everyone who has been so kind to respond to my posts...
That is so funny you mentioned the ACE score - just did it with my therapist last Thursday - it's a 6!!! and my husbands is a 5!
I am so clear on my codependency behaviors, very very clear.
But here's an amazing success today and I did NOT respond in a codependent manner! We have a small guest house/shack and our house. One idea I had a week ago was to eventually, ideally, have my husband come back to live in house if he wants and I will live in guest house. This would give me an opportunity to start rebuilding our friendship AND give me the opportunities I need to show him I am changing and becoming my best self etc. As if he isn't here at all, that's a challenge. Anyhow I did a lot of meditating today and felt a lot of guidance about this idea working out eventually.

I checked my email today and VOILA...my husband had responded to an email from me from yesterday asking if this is something I would consider - the shack/house idea...Cha Ching! He is now staying with some friends. And the best part is, he said THANK YOU twice for the email I sent, used the word 'appreciate' that I am being 'reasonable' and glad I want to be friends. WOWSA. So did not expect this so soon. And he asked if he could 'ideally' come back tonight!
Now, my old codependent self would have responded immediately and said 'sure honey, no problem' I'll just run myself ragged getting everything ready so you, who left me, can waltz right back home...So I called my friends - who once were close to divorce and separated for 2 years and are now happy and together - and got them to knock some sense into me.
No, not tonight! I need more time to get my head on straight, get some stuff done and be really ready for his return, as this will be a golden opportunity to put into practice all these DB principles and I intend on being brilliant at it and not messing up!
So as uncomfortable as it felt I said I would think about this idea - (of course didn't mention I'd already thought of it) and tonight isn't good and I'll get back to you.
So proud of myself. All that jumping through hoops behavior has never helped me, it's not real love.
My friend said 'if you draw a line he will start to see he's dealing with a different woman'...the magic is in the works!
have I rambled enough. I am feeling so hopeful.
Thank you for responding and I am seeing my therapist tuesday to continue this work on the trauma of my 12 year old self who has basically been running my life much of the time!
Congrats on working on your stuff at 62. better late than never!

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LandC Offline OP
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Hi SAdhub,
I haven't read all of your posts yet. Thanks for your reply. I basically spend all my time either listening to inspiring stuff like Marianne WIlliamson or watching movies or walking and when tired just try not to think at all!
Have you ever heard of Marianne Williamson? Check her out - google her talk on relationships on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday - really inspiring.
How are things going with you?
I will endeavor to read all your posts so I can catch up on your story and situation.
THanks

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