A New Chapter

[Phoebe]

Strange times, Painter. I think that I'd be inclined to give the F a wide berth. You're committed to seeing him, but I'd try to stick to some very public spaces.

If you feel uncomfortable for any reason, listen to yourself.

I find that that little voice telling me "this is really ______ " is almost always right.

Good luck, Miss Painter!!!

[1313]

Painter,
wow - things have certainly gotten, er, interesting for you. I'm with Phoebe on this one. You're going to have to certainly tread carefully, but don't not say what you really feel if you think it's getting a little too close for comfort.

Getting weird messages out of the blue by one of your H's enabler F's doesn't help matters either. I'm so sorry - just what you need are extra reminders.

I can see what Zues means 1 month for every day married myself. There's no way I'm even slightly normalized after 3 months, and would think 2 years seems like a short time to consider anything as far as a R.

Keep focusing on the new aspects of your life, getting settled and your new work.

[Painter]

Thanks, Phoebe and 1313 - I dodged the bullet, the business meeting took longer than planned and there will be no time to meet.

I can handle F, but it feels like it would be difficult to see someone from home right now. It would make me more homesick, I think.

Had a difficult phone conversation with H today about a financial matter - the first talk since I left. He was annoyed and a wall of ranting, it was hard to have an actual conversation. I sent him an e-mail afterwards with a suggestion to a solution that would be more beneficial to him than to me, but better in the long term for both.

I also added that I hoped we could get to a place where we communicate better.

[Painter]

Last week was a little difficult, but I know it helps when I keep active, so I'm trying to get back into GAL mode.

I have been doing a mix of work/chores and fun, and I find that everything that I do that takes my mind off what's behind me and focuses it on either what's right here and now or in my future, helps. I find that being present in the moment is very powerful. Taking the dog to the dog park, preparing meals, focusing on work, organizing my space - it all works to lift my mood. And it also tells me that I am not in the deepest grief, I'm not crying in the grocery store or have problems concentrating because my mind is preoccupied with H or R thoughts. I've done that before, so I know the difference.

Son and I do enjoyable things like going to the farmers market or cooking. I don't know what I would have done without him right now.

I just applied for a job that fits perfectly with my background. It's not as well paid as other, more tedious jobs I could apply for, but I would be working with my passion and I would be able to combine it with other activities/jobs that I enjoy.

I have plans for tomorrow - going to church and then helping son remodel. Monday, I am meeting with a professional contact. Wednesday I'm going to meet with a friend I haven't seen since I was here last (2014). That should keep me busy for a few days.

No contact with H since yesterday morning. Going to stay dark as much as possible.

[1313]

Painter,
good luck on landing that job. Doing something you want to do is way better than one you don't, if you can afford it.

Getting your mind focused other places certainly does help, it's a blessing you have your S to help keep you distracted.

I haven't talked directly with my W since 1/16, and plan to keep it that way for the foreseeable future.

[Phoebe]

You're doing so many proactive things for yourself, Painter!! Job interview, networking, getting out and about, quality time with your son, seeing friends.

You are awesome!

[Painter]

Thank you, 1313 and Phoebe.

I hope your day in court will not be to horrible, 1313. It can be pretty nervewracking, because you can prepare all you want, but there's usually unexpected things and twists and turns that can throw you off if you're not very grounded. I wish you all the best. Take the time you need to think about what is thrown at you.

Phoebe, thank you - I don't feel very awesome, I think I'm just doing what I need to in order to not break down. I have a knot in my stomach and a tightness in my throat that could take over if I let them (especially at night), and sometimes they do. But it doesn't last as long as it used to, and it really, really helps to force the focus onto something else.

It also helps me to think about how I felt when I was at home with H, because he would push me so far away that I felt twice as painfully lonely there with him as I do now. I cried more, and was less able to focus on anything else (because of the push-pull thing he did).

Had a lovely dinner with S today and then watched Chef - it's such a fun movie, and sweet in many ways. The only problem I have with it is how unrealistically saintly Sofia Vergara is in it...

Oh, and a guy 15 years younger than me checked me out in the grocery store today. Like, really checked me out. The miracles of eyeliner!

[Painter]

A very cool (or maybe geeky) distracting *and* useful activity: DuoLingo, a free app where you can learn a new language of your choice and set up how many minutes per day you want to practice. It teaches you words, gives you little quizzes, and it also teaches pronounciation and lets you practice your own (by voice recording) and tells you how you did!

I'm going to learn some basic Spanish, it seems to be very useful in this country.

[Phoebe]

Sounds like a great thing to do for yourself, Painter. DL is an awesome program. I use it to add to my current language skills, but I think you've got an excellent idea. Maybe I should try a new language, too!!

[Painter]

Phoebe, go for it! It's a great and personal development in one!

I got called this morning about the job application I filled in on Saturday! Interview tomorrow! It's a very outgoing job (customer service) that would keep me busy.

Also received a reiki treatment today. It made me feel icky for a while, but I'm better now. I think that perhaps it released the knot in my stomach and catch in my throat, because it feels like they are gone now... This is usually the time of night they appear.

I can even listen to 'I can't make you love me' on The Voice without crying.