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Hi,
I have had issues with pms self esteem and was gradually getting more frustrated and impatient generally, with our M, and I realized with me. Was having stress dealing with very demanding parent (dysfunctional childhood with him) which was right before wah left. We were new in town supposeldy for a few months and I was having pms and feeling very isolated and down.

He literally ran out the door one morning unexpectedly said he's been thinking about it a while. Later revealed he hasn't been up front as he was afraid of conflict and confronting me that I would get upset and apologized for that but it dead set on ending it all

I am very ashamed humiliated and feel he sees me as a hopeless mess, no career prospects, and leaning too heavily oh him. He has consulted iwht family and his new counselor since few months before he left, who specializes in male issues.

What is recommended besides C dealing with the esteem GaL tryihg to act as if I'm super happy? I don't want him to look down and pity me or see me as invaluable or a train wreck. It is very difficult not to go deeper into despair and low self esteem when feeling like I've lost the most precious gift and best friend of my life. And his amazing family, the dream loving healhty family I always longed for. I am literally crushed.

I don't want to be thrown away like garbage and that I am some kind of mess. I am doing all I can but Compeltely on my own in new city, looking for a place to live (bad housing market for rentals ), new work, and a life. It's awful


Trying to hope and turn to God
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Follow your lawyers advice and do what you can to protect yourself. You can't be worried about what he or his family thinks.

As far as his behavior? Who knows. Everyone is different. He appears to fit the definition of a WAS so I would pay attention when the book or people on the forum talk about that.
Is there any reason at all to think that there might be an A? It doesn't sound like it based on your story.
Even though you feel that way, all hope is certainly NOT lost. But that doesn't mean this will be easy or quick to repair. You need to accept that he is already gone and readjust your focus on taking care of yourself. Detach and work on your issues. That is what will give you the best shot at getting him back into the M.
In my case, I ended up filing for D after discovering that my W's A was still going on. As it turns out, that was the catalyst for turning things around. But when I filed, it wasn't to shock her out of the fog, it was because I had truly detached and was willing to go on with my life without her. I made it very clear to her that I would not stay M to her if that's how she wanted to live her life. I told her I was done. What she has seen in me over the past few months is a very different person than I've been for the first 20+ years of our relationship. I am strong and confident but loving and kind. The new me is what she is coming back to.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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Hi ReNewed,
Wow, sounds really really hard for you right now.
i can relate to so many things you said - I don't know much about you but from everything I've read, do you think perhaps you have codependent behavior patterns? I sure do and realizing this has been very helpful for me since my husband moved out 2 weeks ago...some of our issues relating to me not making enough money were making life stressful. Worth thinking about as part of the pattern is giving power to others - making them, the husband center of our world. When people say 'take good care of yourself' it can feel like - what the heck does that even mean?
Sounds like you have a strong spiritual practice and that can definitely help you now....Have you heard of Marianne Williamson? She is AMAZING...google her and watch some of her videos - she is a spiritual teacher who teaches based on A Course in Miracles.

In terms of jobs, think about the lhf idea - that's low hanging fruit...easiest least stressful thing to bring in money...maybe where it won't matter if you cry - like cleaning hotel rooms ???
thinking of you!

Last edited by Cadet; 04/24/16 03:20 AM. Reason: as per forum agreement outside links not allowed
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Hi ReNewed,
Wow, sounds really really hard for you right now.
i can relate to so many things you said - I don't know much about you but from everything I've read, do you think perhaps you have codependent behavior patterns? I sure do and realizing this has been very helpful for me since my husband moved out 2 weeks ago...some of our issues relating to me not making enough money were making life stressful. Worth thinking about as part of the pattern is giving power to others - making them, the husband center of our world. When people say 'take good care of yourself' it can feel like - what the heck does that even mean?
Sounds like you have a strong spiritual practice and that can definitely help you now....Have you heard of Marianne Williamson? She is AMAZING...google her and watch some of her videos - she is a spiritual teacher who teaches based on A Course in Miracles.
In terms of jobs, think about the lhf idea - that's low hanging fruit...easiest least stressful thing to bring in money...maybe where it won't matter if you cry - like cleaning hotel rooms ???
thinking of you!

Last edited by Cadet; 04/23/16 06:19 PM. Reason: As per forum agreement outside links not allowed
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ooops posted 3 x!

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Renewed, wrt to life insurance, this is so that in lieu of spousal support, you will get insurance payputs should anything happen to your H.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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landc, yes, there were def. elements of codependenc and emotional immaturity on both our parts, even as ntoed by priest during a meeting.

Going for what I can-thanks for encouragement smile


Trying to hope and turn to God
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Thanks for the tips and example. Def working on the confidence but loving, kind, high road part. Balancing act between bouts of grief/anger. Turning to God prayer and friends, activity journaling and rereading the book helps

I cannot myself file for D-have made it claer I don't agree or bleieve in that but I can see and gald it worked for you!!


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Originally Posted By: ReNewed
Hi,
I have had issues with pms self esteem and was gradually getting more frustrated and impatient generally, with our M, and I realized with me. Was having stress dealing with very demanding parent (dysfunctional childhood with him) which was right before wah left. We were new in town supposeldy for a few months and I was having pms and feeling very isolated and down.

He literally ran out the door one morning unexpectedly said he's been thinking about it a while. Later revealed he hasn't been up front as he was afraid of conflict and confronting me that I would get upset and apologized for that but it dead set on ending it all

I am very ashamed humiliated and feel he sees me as a hopeless mess, no career prospects, and leaning too heavily oh him. He has consulted iwht family and his new counselor since few months before he left, who specializes in male issues.

What is recommended besides C dealing with the esteem GaL tryihg to act as if I'm super happy? I don't want him to look down and pity me or see me as invaluable or a train wreck. It is very difficult not to go deeper into despair and low self esteem when feeling like I've lost the most precious gift and best friend of my life. And his amazing family, the dream loving healhty family I always longed for. I am literally crushed.

I don't want to be thrown away like garbage and that I am some kind of mess. I am doing all I can but Compeltely on my own in new city, looking for a place to live (bad housing market for rentals ), new work, and a life. It's awful



Take your focus off of him and put it on Yourself.

We have all felt the same way as YOU and with the wonderful GIFT of TIME and continuing to MOVE FORWARD with your life you will start to feel better.

TRUST the PROCESS

Edit - Threads merged


Me-70, D37,S36
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Renewed,

It seems to me that you are very depressed. And that's understandable given your situation. I know it feels hopeless. Its not but that doesn't change how you feel.
Are you able to go to a doctor and see about getting put on an anti depressant? There is no shame in that.
Its fine if you don't want to file for D. You have to do what you feel is best for you. If he is just a WAS, I don't think that filing would do you any good. Time and patience is what is needed here. Time for him to think about his needs and wants and to work on himself. And most importantly, time for you to work on yourself.
Its a horrible feeling but you do have a tremendous opportunity. You have the chance to reflect on your life and what you can do to make it better. Not for him or to bring him back but to make yourself a better person. To learn to be confident in yourself; to love yourself. Doing these things are what will increase the chances of you being able to save your M.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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