WAW still angry, moved out, D on the way?

[SH_]

Another restless night.
To bed at 930, asleep around 10, awake at 1230, restless, awake at 230, restless again, awake at 330, restless until about 5, now it is time to get up.

I feel shakes under the surface, I feel anxious and depressed. Can' t stop replaying so many interactions that I think led to my current situation. The whole horror movie scenario again.

Why can't I get control of my thoughts? Will I ever experience peace from this situation? I desperately want to move forward, but I feel like a huge weight is attached and I cannot seem to hold into a PMA. I want to detach. I want to feel confident. I want the rolling anxiety to stop, and the depression fog to lift.

I am stuck in a routine that seems to leave little time for progress. Up at 5 am, work and dropping off and picking up d's and home finally ar 5pm. A few hours to get dinner, cleaned up and a few moments rest before trying to go to bed and sleep and then the restless night again. How do I get out of this cycle? The routine is wearing me out. I feel that I am simply surviving. I want to live, not survive. I want to feel joy, not the overwhelming feelings of despair. I want to feel love, not the loneliness that each day is providing me.

I need some peace this morning, so I will share 3 things I am grateful for, and then I will go hug my d's, and then I will dig deep for some strength and go out and try to survive today, I will have hope that I an see a light that I can go towards....to feel good again. To feel alive again...

I am so thankful for the love of 2 wonderful daughters.
I am thankful for the good folks on this forum, that continue to share he and words of wisdom, while they work through their own challenges.
I am thankful for having had the 19 years with my W, as they were years that I found joy and comfort. I only wish that I realized what I had before it was to late.

[J5K]

Sadhub,

Just focus on today. I am having the same issue with sleep. I understand how difficult this is for you. You are doing great and will get through this.

[tjcran]

SadHub,

I too can relate. Can't get enough sleep and I've been shaking for weeks now.

You are doing many good things and you have to give yourself credit for that. You are expressing gratitude. That is an awesome attribute. You are trying to be a good dad for your D's. That too is an awesome attribute. You are plowing your way through a daily grind. Another admirable attribute. I would say you are a quality individual!

Next, give yourself some slack. You are in a very painful situation and no one can perform at their best when they are in pain. So, tell yourself that it is okay that you aren't progressing at lightening speed. But don't forget the paragraph above, because to me I see progress.

You can make it!

[SH_]

Thank you jimkao.
You are right. I have to focus on today.

Tjcran,

Your words have provided me with some strength this morning. Thank you for helping me have perspective. Perspective is so important at this time as it is easy to lose focus.

I appreciate you both checking in and for the wise words of encouragement.

[Phoebe]

Hey, SadHub. I am so sorry that you are having a hard time again. Strangely, reading your thread this morning, it was like I was reading about my own feelings and thoughts lately. My sleep has gone to pot again, after doing better for a while. I can't shut my mind off. I also want to live and find joy, but I'm finding that surviving is about what I can muster.

Last night I tried to do my mindfulness meditation, and I immediately got off track into a daydream/nightmare about what I would say to OW in a letter (that I have zero intention of writing, mind you). I just couldn't shut it down. For hours.

My energy is tapped out, and for the first time since December I haven't wanted to get out of bed for the last two days. I haven't gone to the gym in a couple months. My GP actually told me not to, in an effort to maintain my weight. I wonder if I'd just go off the back of a treadmill if I even tried it? I haven't walked outside because my friend isn't feeling well. I am tired of anxiety and depression and shaking and crying and inappetence and wondering if I should file for D and wondering if he'll do it first if I don't. I am just plain tired.

Sorry to hijack you thread with my mess.

Know that you are not alone. So many of us of are having the same struggles with depression, anxiety, insomnia, mind racing, shaking, and weight loss. We feel like our lives has blown up around us. It means that we are all normal. We are normal people living though a very painful ordeal. We are also living with tremendous uncertainty, and that makes our struggles just that much harder.

tjcran is right - you are doing so much that is admirable right now. Working, caring for your children, jogging and taking care of yourself. Those things are worth so much.

I hope that you have a better day today, SadHub. Know that I may be having my own problems, but that I am always pulling for you and I am sending you positive thoughts. Let's both try to get in some meditation for our challenge, do those pencil smiles, and maybe watch some silly Neature!!!

Wishing you a non-shaky, positive day, SadHub.

[SH_]

Journaling

So I finally broke down this morning and took and anti anxiety med about mid morning because the waves would not stop rolling over me. Even as I tried to stay busy at work.

It calmed me down and the rest of the day went relatively well. I was able to focus on work, had a good chat at lunch to calm d17 who was having a rough day. She says being with her mom just gives her a bad vibe and she does not feel good afterwards. She says she feels bad because she does not want to be a bad person feeling this way about her mom. It just hurts my heart to hear this, but I listen and encourage her to focus on some positive things.

Then things get bad. I go to pick up d5 at her school as she stays with her mother there until I pick her up. I see WAW, and ask if she has spoken with her L for the finance stuff as my L mentioned he was supposed to hear back last week.

The fireworks then go off and it was bad. She said she had, but did not want to sign because there are lies on the paperwork. She then called me names, accused me of a number of things and on and on. I listened, then I got a bit defensive, and then asked if we could just speak like adults. She replied no, because I always want to talk for an hour or more, then she told me to get out, then threatened to call someone to get me out, then to call 911.

I left to find my d5 out where she said she was. But d5 was not there, so I returned to the classroom to ask WAW where else she might be, but before I could even get in, she screamed to get out. I then stated I could not see d5, and if she would know where else she might be. She stood up and rolled her eyes and went out. I went to the car to wait, and then they came out.

I said hello to d5 and went to get her in the car as WAW walked away. Then WAW screamed across the parking lot, "You should feel dirty". I looked back as I was caught off guard and just looked at her. She said you should feel dirty, because you are just trying to get everything. I reminded her that the law just splits 50/50, and because we have not been able to speak, the L's were doing what is with in the law. She then yelled more names at me, and went on and on. I asked if we could just talk in a calm manner, and she went on until I said, we are not going to do this in front of our d. I then took d5 hand and walked to the car.

I am shell shocked right now. The things that were said have me doubting the last 20 years of my life. She states things with hints of truth about challenges and issues I have had in my life, but does so as if my intent and goal was to make her feel bad, and hurt her. My mind is a mess right now as I am losing perspective on reality and my history and even my own intentions.

I am just in complete shock right now. I have never been accused of things like this and it is coming out of the mouth of a person I love, yet I have never seen this behavior in 20 years.

I hope I can sleep tonight. The mind will not calm down and the waves are rolling again. I can feel the chemical dump in my body.

[Phoebe]

SadHub please take your meds. Your wife has gone off the deep end today. She appears to have lost her ability to regulate her emotions, and particularly her anger, altogether. Don't doubt yourself or who you have been for last 20 years. You are not losing your mind. She is.

I can't think of one charitable thing to say about your W, but there are a lot of things to admire about you, this I know.

W's behavior is absolutely out of control and I think that you should start documenting it, and possibly even recording the interactions yo have with her from this point on. No responsible or competent adult should ever behave that way in front of a child, particularly one as young as your D5. Never mind airing her dirty laundry in public is simply beyond tacky. It is horrible when a child is in the mixture and jeopordizes your daughter's future mental health. Discuss it with your lawyer. Your D5 AND D17 deserve better. So do you, obviously.

I'll be checking on you later this evening. Vent here and know that we're here for you.

[Ralph88]

The old W is gone or buried in that alien. Do not let it get to you. I'm being serious, as I have heard everything known to man come out of mine, and I mean everything! If you let it get to you, you are not detached and she is winning in her evil game. Chalk it off to crazy, validate if you can, but not in that conversation. Also, you either do not have boundaries or you let her step all over them with the yelling as well as in front of the kid. Get that boundary in check.

[rich4j]

Sadhub

I have been on this board for months now even after my situation got hopeless and am going thru separation/divorce nightmares

Your situation is all too common here.

There is no easy answer or remedy to make you feel better right away. I went thru much of the same sleeplessness as you are , lost 10 pounds that I didn't need to lose and felt like I was in a fog for months.

Folks on this board are great and while I didn't think there was any EA or PA, there is usually something pushing him or her to move on. I am slowly finding out there was an EA and now its probably a PA but I don't care anymore.

YOU WILL be fine...it just will take some time which is not what you want to hear.

Your WAW is going to blame you for everything including the weather, Trump :-)...maybe even global warming. I get blamed weekly for our situation ...it helps them feel what they are doing is OK and justified. If they have friends that have gone thru this they are supporting and cheering her or him. Its a snowball effect.

Keep focusing on your family minus the WAW. Try to be the best you can be for them....it is hard. I have had to bite my tongue for months on confronting her about the possible affair but that won't help me get what I need in the divorce/separation so I continue on even though we don't want to be near each other in any respect.

You will eventually come to grip with the fact that your WAW is no longer the woman you loved and it will hurt. That hurt may turn to anger and resentment but all you can do is try to heal yourself and be there for your family right now.

You will get thru this.....it will be hard for the first few months but keep posting and keeping your chin up.

[Phoebe]

The anger from my WAW is something I had never seen in 20 years and the things she accuses me of are so penetrating that I sometimes wonder if I am not the devil himself, if that is what I really did for 20 years to make her feel like she says she does now.

SadHub, you are as far from that as you could possibly be. Seriously. Don't let your wife's projection of her own anger and guilt issues onto you make you doubt yourself.

No one is a perfect partner, but there is absolutely no way that you could have raised two such wonderful children if you weren't a genuinely good person. It speaks volumes that your D17 feels so uncomfortable around her mother now and looks to you for refuge. You are obviously a source of comfort, support, and stability. You earned her trust for a reason.

Don't give up on yourself. Ever.