WAW still angry, moved out, D on the way?

[Ralph88]

I have the sweats most nights as well. Weird. My WW is the same. I have no idea who she is, how she says the things she does, and how nothing is important to her anymore, even her children to some extent, now that the fog is strong. Something is completely preoccupying her mind. She also temp checks repeatedly, and her new favorite phrase is "if we ever get back together, can we do this or that", I usually redirect and don't argue the fact that we are married still. Also she wants to work on our friendship and go to counseling for co-parenting. I wish I could protect the children...

[Phoebe]

Ugh. Waywards... It's like a group of aliens has come to Earth and taken over the bodies of our spouses. They look the same, but who ARE they? I keep hoping that the real H will pop up again, but, alas, no sign that he's survived the invasion.

I'm sorry that sleep remains so elusive, SadHub, and it seems, at least for myself, that the more important I believe it is that I get to sleep, the less likely I am to be able to do so. Maybe it's time to embrace the extra hours that you have every day, or some similar 180°-type thought process, kind of like deciding to allow yourself to feel the pain, or embracing the LBS diet-induced weight loss. It sounds counterintuitive, but maybe it can take some of the pressure off. Just get up and read a book or something for a little while, then try going to bed again later.

Know that sleep will come to you eventually, SadHub. I am doing a bit better in that department these days, but I am almost 2 months ahead of you in this process. (My H walked in the December) It svcks, but I really think that you will find that it does get better. I know that's no consolation right now as you lie awake. I'm just asking you to hang in there a while longer.

I've struggled with insomnia in my past, even before the LBS turmoil. On a normal day if I can't sleep, it comes down to three things being amiss: I'm in discomfort/pain, I'm too hot, or I can't shut down my brain.

So, if I can't sleep on a normal night, I know I need to take ibuprofen and cool the place down first and foremost. I turn the thermostat down or open a window. Iuse a fan for air flow and that has the added benefit of adding in some white noise. I've never found that laying there is frustration is of any benefit, so getting up and doing something else for a little while can help, too.

As for myself, the monkey brain effect (mind vortex, whatever you prefer to call it) responded to mindfulness training, but that is something to work on over time, not to expect right now.

If all those conditions have already been met as well as I can (pain treated, room cool and air moving, mind as quiet as I can get it) and I still can't sleep, then I head for the medicine cabinet.

My pharma helper is an antihistamine. OTC benadryl usually helps me. It's not satisfying sleep, by any means because you do not feel particularly rested, but it is sleep. The usual adult dose generally works, but I go 25 mg higher if I am super restless. I'm not telling you to do that, mind you, because I'm not a doctor. It's just what I do. I'll be taking it tonight.

Ralph88, your wife's "if we ever get back together" statements must be so hard to hear. My H made similar statements, or at least he did before I found out about his affair, and they gave me such a feeling of confused hope and despair, like he was dangling a carrot that might, or might not, ever come within reach. Awful.

[1gr8dad]

Thanks 1gr8dad for checking on me.

I am really trying to get the exercise back on track. We jogged everyday for the past couple of years and I was hitting the weights before this mess. My goal is to get the jogging back on track this weekend. You are right that could help with the the sleep.

I read somewhere if you used to jog with your ex, to avoid that activity for now, try something else. Buy a mountain bike, start swimming, join a league (this is great GAL as well).

I feel caught in the loop here. Need energy to work out, but no sleep. I need to work out and help get the body to a point that it is tired so I can sleep. Ha ha. I never would have guessed that being in this situation could cause so many issues with the mental and physical well being.

Oh I totally can relate to this. For what it's worth, here's what worked for me WRT exercise. If I didn't sleep well, I refrained from higher intensity exercise. Without sleep you will just end up wearing yourself down.

Instead, on days of poor sleep, I went to the gym but just used the hot tub, steam room and shower. (aka Executive Workout ) Alternatively a walk in the park or spending time with nature will help on those days. Spring is now here - good timing mother nature!

Anyhow slowly but surly, once my sleep routine started to normalize, I could introduce higher levels of intensity in exercise. This just propelled into better sleeping.

Also might I add that the more GAL, the more genuine friends you share with, and the more sense of purpose you can establish in your life, the better you will sleep.

Easier said than done, but if we just take one day at a time, than one day you will notice, hey - I didn't really pine over my WAS today. I didn't think of them. I'm just fine on my own and I'm in control of me and my future. I promise one day soon you will turn that corner all of a sudden.

Go get em Sadhub!

[Phoebe]

Easier said than done, but if we just take one day at a time, than one day you will notice, hey - I didn't really pine over my WAS today. I didn't think of them. I'm just fine on my own and I'm in control of me and my future. I promise one day soon you will turn that corner all of a sudden.

Well said, 1gr8dad!

[SH_]

Good stuff 1gr8dad.

Good thing is the jogging was with D17 not WAW so I can keep doing it.

But an attempt to get out of the loop is the goal. Your ideas will be put into action as I know that I need to do something.

My IC also gave me recommendations about making more social connections. This will be my challenge as I am very introverted and tend to have a small circle of friends. I know that I really need to expand it for support as well as to minimize the lonely feelings. I am going to have to really get out of my comfort zone to get through this.

Last night was a difficult one for sleep again. I have to get ready and head to work and my mind is foggy right now, and the body is shaking something fierce. Grrrrr.....
I feel anger still this morning as well as my confidence is a little shaken from some of the mind loop throughout the night. Meditation technique of focus on my breathing helped some in moments throughout the night.

But here is to another day and to finding opportunities to heal and grow.

I am thankful to be with my daughters this morning, I am thankful for being employed so that I can care for them and I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to pray to God and humble myself and ask for strength and peace this morning.

May each of you find peace this day in your journeys

[GWH]

Hope your having a good day SadHub!

[SH_]

Thanks GWH,

I was able to pull myself together (with the help of an anti anxiety med) and am a bit more calm and thinking straight again.

Maybe seeing WAW when dropping of my girls set off a little bit more of the anger that was fueling me last night. I might be feeling better due to that. She appears to be such an alien and living in an alternate universe. She announced that her L was filing the D today. It kind of pissed me off at hearing it. Weird, because I thought I might have felt depressed or sad when it finally started, but I am actually a bit angry instead.

Oh well, this roller coaster has more surprises that I would have ever thought.

Thanks again for the check in and well wishes. I better get to some work that I have piling up now.

[1gr8dad]

SadHub. hang in there, you are on your way to success. Slowly and surely. You are doing the right things and holding your own one step at a time.

Given that your are just about 2 weeks physically separated, I still thing you are in good shape at least compared to me back then. But I look at myself now (a couple months after physical separation) and I'm in much better shape and can see the light at the end of the D Train tunnel.

One other technique I'll share for what it's worth.
I remember evenings are bad when you are alone and this feeling gets smuggled into bed and than you don't sleep. So what I did was every evening call a different friend or family member and chat for 20 mins. I would rotate during the week. It helped just connecting with another spirited human being. You don't always have to talk about your situation, in fact you eventually want to limit that. Ask about them, compliment then on things you admire about them. Give back. Rotate the calls daily and see what happens.

Also did you download the meetup app?

[SH_]

1gr8dad,

Thank you for the confidence builder. Also I love your ideas to call someone. I have a couple of family members that have been there for me and a long time friend as well. I think I am a bit lucky that d17 has chosen to stay with me, so I have her company most evenings except when she is out with friends. But good adult conversation is definitely needed.

I browsed the meetup site for my area, but have not yet taken the leap to try one of the groups, but I know I need to soon. I think the loneliness sensation is starting to catch me at odd times. I guess as an introvert being alone was never a big deal when I knew the W and kids were at home for me. Now it is a painful sensation to say the least. All of my family lives far away, and I have a few married friends, so this is gonna be a challenge for me. Meetup looks to be a good place to start.

This whole situation still feels so surreal to me. Like a long bad dream that I can't wake up from. There are moments where I feel like I am coming out of it, and there are moments like now where I don't want to head home so I am sitting here in my car writing this. Seems so pathetic and a far cry from where I ever imagined being 10, 20 or even 30 years ago.

Anyhow, I will get some time with my girls tonight so I am looking forward to that.

Pushing on, trying to see what can be, and trying not to look back at what was.

[Melo]

That feeling of being in a bad dream really resonates with me. I have often felt like that and wished to wake up and to have things be the way they were before. I then realized that things really $ucked the way they were. My W was at home, but there was no real communication, we lived in a sex starved M and were really quite miserable. We had become shadows of our former selves. I hate the place I'm in now, but I see the potential of what I can be and who I can become and it's kind of exciting. For me the real bad dream was the 3 years that led up to this point. I will now wake up from that dream and make a new me from the ashes of the old and if my W wants to join me, great. If she doesn't, great, someone will. I have my bad days too brother, stay strong.