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First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2665116#Post2665116

Second thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2667581#Post2667581

Originally Posted By: Sadhub from thread 2

Thank you GWH and Phoebe for checking in on me.

It was a fun evening last night as we went out to dinner at Subway and then went to the theater and enjoyed the New JungleBook movie. Both of the girls enjoyed it. The fun part was the children meal at Subway was a JungleBook themed meal that came with a little orange watch. D5 loved it and used it to count down the start of the movie while at the theatre. She is such a joy to be around. She was really into the movie and snuggled up with me on my lap. So I had all the love and joy a father can have while with his little Angels. grin

D17 was in a great mood all day, and really has her mid going with so many plans to be able to get a normal schedule and back into the groove of it all while still moving forward to goals and dreams.

It was great night, and for the first time in some time, I actually was tired and was able to go to sleep with out much effort. tired

I slept until about 2 AM which is better than I have been doing, and after a quick bathroom run, I went back to sleep pretty quick. Up again at 330 AM and then again at 5AM, but each time I actually fell asleep. sleep So some progress on that front. The only draw back is when I finally dragged myself out of bed at 7 am, my mind was in a little depressive vacuum, and I was shaking like a leaf. I gave my girls a hug, ate some breakfast, did a quick shave and shower, and prepared to take my daughter over to a friends house to work on her Senior announcements for graduation. I could not stop shaking, and mind swirling, so I gave in and took an Anti anxiety med to try and calm down. I really do not want to keep taking them, but some mornings, I just can not get calm enough to function. crazy

I was able to calm the mind, down after a bit, but the shakes are still tremoring under the surface. It really is becoming quite annoying, and a little bit of a blow to the ego, as it makes me feel like a scared rabbit, or worse yet, some kind of weakling. This is not who I am, and while my self confidence is at an all time low, the quivering makes it appear even worse I imagine.

I am going to get my exercise plan back in order, as well as a renewed focus on my diet, and hope to he// that maybe that will help. D17 and I are also going to try a meditation program and see if that may help with the mind swirl.

I am at a point, where I am harboring anger with the WAW as I hold her to blame for this situation. She did not take the time to work with me so that I can understand the issues or the reason for all of the anger and portrayed hate. D5 has made several comments about how mer mommy does not like me. This stings, as what is the WAW saying in front of D5? When she came by today to pick up D17 to hang out with before her prop this evening, she would not even look at me or acknowledge that I greeted her, or was even there.

I mean come on, WHAT THE HE// did I do that warrants such anger. 19 years married, almost 20 knowing each other, we had our disagreements, ups and downs, but never did I realize that I did something so horrific to hurt her in the manner that she is behaving in. I know, I know, none of this should matter, or be bothering me as I need to detach, believe nothing she says and only half of what she does, but something is missing here. confused

I am familiar with MWD explanation of the WAW, I know that I have my faults for this mess, my IC reminded me, that I should have already accepted that as I tried to be the better husband and work on things, that she may have checked out and it was to little too late. But the truth is I am struggling to accept all of this. I think part of my anxiety and negative mind vacuum is trapped in replaying every argument, emotional withdrawal, each depressive episode, all my failures, my anxiety driven indecisiveness and any other interaction whether real or now just recreated in my mind. It is a lot to try and determine and identify without any explanation for what drove her over the edge is such a quick and angry fashion. I feel so guilty and am overloading myself with taking on 1000% of the blame. But where do I start to correct, or fix it. I do not want to repeat the same things in the future. I believe that she could at least provide an explanation. She never even wanted to try. How come she will not tell me what I have done so wrong. And I am still very certain that she is not in an EA/PA. Which is all the more difficult to understand. So many in these forums seem to have the as part of the challenge, so ideas and feedback on my situation is a bit sparse.

I am bouncing between anger, guilt, shame, lack of self confidence, paranoid thoughts, and just plain fear of the future. This can not be healthy for the mind.

My family and my W were everything for me, and now I feel lost, and reactive, and just trying to survive one day at a time. I am seeking for new friends, mentors or individuals to reconnect a life that I barely remember from so long ago.

I have been with an IC who has referred me to a Psychiatrist, my GP has given me the referrals for the psychiatrist and AD's to keep me functioning, my spiritual leader seem to just look at me with pity and say that my WAW is more expressive and that is why she has gathered so much support and potentially become more angry as she gathers supporters for a story that may not be all that is started out as, and.....well,

I don't want to accept that I may have a mental illness that led me to this point. I know that as I look back that I would get trapped in a fog due to trying to take on so much responsibility for making good decisions and may have crumbled under the weight and then would be overly cautious. January of this year was a month of such fog due to several things falling out for me and I tried to regroup and figure out how to move forward. I was withdrawn initially, then as I noticed that my W was worried, I tried to explain my challenge, and instead, I think I may have talked her into doing what she is doing. I was reaching out for help and support from her, and instead I believe that she decided that I was not capable of meeting her needs for her future and therefore she bailed out of the MR.

Maybe I do have an issue that needs to be addressed, because I know that my mind is very aware of the right information and knowledge, but the overwhelming physical sensations of fear and anxiety literally lock up my decision making faculties and I freeze up. I avoid making a decision, I take the safe path, which appears to just be settling for less than I can get. Change is a big trigger for my anxiety. Odd, considering my entire childhood was about change with my father in the military. We moved regularly. I had to start at new schools, find new friends, start over in new neighborhoods all the time. Yet, every major change in my marriage has been instigated by my WAW, and I get stuck in a depressive withdrawn state, just trying o keep my head above water going along to meet her needs. And with the past 2 months, it appears that I am afraid of her. My D17 says, that I seem to appear very anxious or glazed over anytime I think of her or know that I have to meet up with her when picking up the girls. and not to be funny, but it is like she took my man card and my balls from me when she walked away. I feel very ashamed for how I am handling this all. Very ashamed indeed.

Cue the 2x4's for me at this point. crazy

Well, this has to end for me now. I have to regroup and gather myself, and move forward. I want to start living and stop merely existing and surviving. I want to be a father, that my daughters can be proud of. I want the FEAR to stop, because I take action. I will not give in. This I am saying to try and pump myself up. I know that I am better than this and have a bigger purpose to achieve.

Thank you for listening to my update, bipolar rant, and most importantly, thank you for all of the support and love that you have all shown me. I have a long way to go to get through this, and hopefully some day it will all become clear to me what happened, why this happened, and what I was meant to learn from it all. And without any expectation for my WAW, I do hold out a sliver of hope that my family can be made whole again someday. But I will focus, on making me whole again. That is the priority, this I know.

And Vanilla, once again your short comments grant me strength, as I feel the sincerity and love that you have when sharing them with me and everyone one on these forums. You are such a wonderful person that has endured some very challenging times. You are a beacon of hope, love and inspiration for me and many others of this I am certain. Thank you.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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To provide a short recap of my sitch.

On February 7, my W snapped because I was running late in taking my daughters to a daddy daughter dance. She was nagging me and just kept going as I was trying to get ready to go. After several harsh words and comments at me, I responded with, "Please stop talking to me like a child."
She came unhinged, and refused to let me apologize when I realized that she was so angry.

Upon my and my daughters return that evening from the dance, my W seemed in good spirits, but cold towards me. The following day, she blew me off and went around saying that she will do what she wants, and that was her new motto. She had been on the phone with her parents for the 2 hours we were out.

The next week was a roller coaster ride, as she would get on me about the things that I never do, and that she needs to get out and chase her dreams. She announced that she wanted to separate and get some space to just find herself. I did all of the things you should not do. Begged, pleaded, argued, chased, etc.

I found MWD and DR a week later.

But the following Sunday, she advised me that she had asked our bishop at church for permission to separate, but she was told he would not give his blessing for that and referred her to a MC. My W advised that she would go, but not with me. She wanted to know how to leave me and that is why she would go. I also met with our bishop and he referred me to an IC.

My W went to MC and then advised that she would attend several more times and then we would go together. When I went to my first visit with IC, my W called me just before I went in, and told me she was sorry, but she just needed to clear her head and take time away would be best. She did not have feeling for anyone, but she wanted to talk with me after my appointment so that we could make plans to care for the family and get through the separation. I said that would be fine.

My W had her 2nd appointment with the FC that evening after my appointment. She had also set up to have my D17 meet with the family counselor for a bit.
This is where it started to unravel and the anger started to spew.
Upon returning that evening, my W seemed agitated, and my D17 seemed upset. They both came in and talked with me. W advised that her goal set by the counselor was to speak with me more about our daughters. I said that sounded good. D17 said that it was decided that she was going to save $2000 to put down for a used car which was against her mothers wishes of us just buying it. D17 felt that she wanted to be responsible and not just have one given to her. Mer mother agreed after the IC advised this was a good idea. I later found out that D17 was upset that night because her mother told her when they got home, that she loved her, but she would have to choose between her or her father as this proceeded.

After D17 went to bed, I told my W thank you for the call this afternoon and that I looked forward to talking about the plans for the family and the separation so I could support her. Her response was chilling and the beginning of the worst 2 months of my life.
WAW stated, "Oh, we don't need to talk any longer, as I determined that our goals are not the same. " I asked what she meant by that. She responded "Your goal is to fix this. My goal is to just make it end." confused eek frown

My threads share details, and currently we are separated, D17 has chosen to stay with me, we have a co parenting plan for my D5, and I have been awaiting D paperwork to arrive any moment now. Although it has been weeks since she said they would be served. It appears that she has torched all bridges with sharing with her entire family who has basically not only disowned me, but appeared to be the angry villagers with torches and pitchforks when they raided my home and took almost everything.
And she will not even acknowledge me or look at me when meeting to hand off my D5.

I am heartbroken, angry and constantly under rolling panic attacks, the likes of which i have never experienced in my life.

I appreciate the love and support on theses forums, and it has given me strength, courage and great advice to apply as I move forward one step at a time in this, the most challenging time in my life.

I send out my prayers and support to all that are also in the midst of challenge, and I know that we have those that have lived through it and learned and share, and there are those of us that are learning, sharing, and looking towards better days.

May God bless each of you this day.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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SadHub, I think you need to try to sit still for just a little bit and remember something that is incredibly important. There is no chance that you are 100% to blame for the problems in your relationship. You can own 50%, but that's about it.

Every relationship is made up of two people who are equally responsible for every interaction. I know for a fact that I am not a great listener sometimes, but my H is a terrible talker. Now who's to blame for that situation? I'd say that's a 50/50 split. I could have listened better, and he could have figured out how to speak the heck up. So our spouses may not have been happy all the times, but neither were we. No one is happy all the time. This is important, too: we are NOT responsible for the happiness of anyone but ourselves. We can support and wish the other person happiness, but we are not responsible for it. Period. They have to find happiness within themselves.

Your wife seems like she is trying to place 100% of the blame on your shoulders, too. She is equally wrong. She also own 50% of the mess, but she is unable to accept it. Like my H, she has chosen to wear the mantle of victimhood, and it's not pretty. Worse, forcing your daughter to choose between her two parents is reprehensible. Maybe when she grows up a bit she will come to realize her mistake, but you need to know that this is NOT all you fault.

I've been down the self-flagellation road, and it's a dead end with nothing to see along the way but non-productive pain. Beating yourself over the head with every interaction you can remember, looking for a way to blame yourself is neither productive nor healthy. There is exactly nothing that you can do to change the past. You can only change today and tomorrow, and today is where you should focus your energy.

You have been through what I have come to believe is one of the most traumatic events a person can go through. Yes, you're anxious. Yes, you're depressed. Yes, you're shaking all the time. You and me both, kid. BUT, and here's the big difference between what we're going through here and true mental illness - there is a REASON we're so upset. Something bad has happened to us. Our sadness and anxiety and somatic symptoms didn't develop over time. They showed up acutely when our lives exploded around us. My shaking and anxiety started the very instant I realized my husband wasn't coming home. It was like a switch had been thrown. You've had the same switch triggered in you, too.

We have a reason to be anxious: we don't know what our future holds anymore and that can be terrifying.

We have a reason to be sad: we are grieving the loss of our marriages, the dreams we had for our futures, the loss of our family stability, the loss of our extended families, loss of our lovers and perhaps our best friends, the loss of our memories because they are now co-mingled with so much pain, even potentially the loss of our homes. It is an incredibly complicated set of losses.

We have a reason to be shaking: every day we have our bodies are telling us to be ready for fight or flight, and there is no way we can do either one. Our brain may be telling us that we're OK, but our bodies don't agree.

It's not weakness or mental illness. It's reactive. We are heart broken. Maybe we're not handling it the way we'd like to, but we are handling it in the best way we can. I know you are doing so much to reach out and get the help and support you need. Every single day you are getting out of bed and taking care of your children. You are doing so many things for yourself - seeing a therapist, seeing you doctor, taking medications aimed at helping you, seeing your spiritual advisor, getting a referral for a psychiatrist, seeing a lawyer. That is a lot of very proactive work.

Take the damn anxiolytics without guilt whenever you need them. Do whatever it takes to get yourself in a better place. Focus on making it through one single day at a time, and if that feels like a lot some days, then focus on getting through the next hour. It's what I do on the hard days.

One other thing my grief counselor told me when I told her of my struggles to wrap my head around the "whys." She told me that I may NEVER understand why my H did what he did or feels the way he does. He may not even understand it himself. The same may well be true for you and your wife.

Know that I intend to keep up with you, SadHub. I am pulling for you and am willing to hit you with another 2x4 if necessary!!! I hope you get some sleep. I know it's been a tough day.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Thank you Phoebe for the 2x4. It was sorely needed today.
It has just been a bizarre day. Spending time with my D5 has been a wonderful time, but it took all I had to keep the mental faculties in control and out of the loop.
I know that what you say is truth and the message that I must keep in the forefront of my thoughts.

I know time will heal the emotional injuries, and I will focus on letting them scar over as they heal, but avoid letting the injuries cause callousness.

Funny side note, I emailed WAW in regards to the where a outs of the collectible Looney Tune figurines, and her response was that she has them. She then asked where the 300 dollars that her parents gave us as a Christmas gift. She had accused me of taking this a couple of weeks ago. Each year her parents gifted us cash, and this year we were at her parents home for the holidays, so when we received it, I packed it with all the other gifts upon our return home. I found all of the other cards and some of the random gifts recently, but the money was not there. She is now accusing me of taking it. So she is basically holding my gifts as hostage because she could not find this cash.

It is a bit mind boggling that we have been married over 19 years, I was open about everything, never lied to her and yet now that she is leaving me, all of a sudden she accuses me of stealing from her? It is just becoming a bad comedy show now. I want to be angry, but I just find myself chuckling about it. Just crazy, simply silly.

Well off to bed as D5 is asleep and D17 told me not to wait up for her as she will be late at the prom. Yeah, right, like I am going to fall fast asleep until she gets home.

Sleep tight everyone. Tomorrow is a new day and another opportunity for us to grow and progress forward.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Originally Posted By: SadHub
It is a bit mind boggling that we have been married over 19 years, I was open about everything, never lied to her and yet now that she is leaving me, all of a sudden she accuses me of stealing from her? It is just becoming a bad comedy show now. I want to be angry, but I just find myself chuckling about it. Just crazy, simply silly.


This happened to me too. My WW of 18 years accused me of absconding $11K from our joint account. Never mind that she diverted her paychecks at the beginning of the year to her secret account and has not put in a single red cent since. The funds are 100% from my earnings that I used to pay our credit cards (I pay the balance every month, hence no debt). It's money that SHE also spent and she turns around and accuse me in a filing of stealing it. It's a ridiculous claim especially since the funds were disbursed before she filed, so the ATRO doesn't cover it.

Not sure if you already consulted with a L already but you should. If she is already starting down this path before filing, be sure to protect yourself.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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Wonderful posts Phoebe, your insights are beautiful honed and written.

Sadhub, I am always pleased when I read anger in a poster. It means a movement down the Kubler Ross Grief curve. It is so important for moving you forward.

Your W is responsible for her share of the mess in your M. Something in your words about being treated like a child triggered her rage.

White anger of determination is very different to the red anger of rage. Rage is flooding of angry emotions and is completely out of control. White anger is directive and will urge you onwards, necessary to healing. All is as it should be Sadhub.

Please do not concern yourself about the future, you are becoming a man only a fool would leave, a father of enormous love. I have a great deal of respect for this. You will shift, I recognise the signs already, let go and let God. Your higher power is working with you.

What a remarkable young lady your D17 is becoming and that happens when a child has the love of her parents, in particular the love of her father.

I have mentionedreams hugs haven't I. Strongly recommend them.

I will post on sleep another time when I have gathered my thoughts.

Know that already Sadhub you have your supportive tribe here, posting sound advice to you.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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CWOL,

I have spoken with an L fortunately. I saw some signs early on, and got advice to try and protect myself. It is just disheartening how one can take so much history and toss it in the name of just trying to "win" in a D situation. I really want it to just end, but I still have not been served, and she is playing so many childish games with our finances and children that it just sad.

Thanks for sharing, as while I hate to say that it lends some comfort that my sitch is not totally unique, but it kind of does provide some perspective.
Sorry that you are dealing with it as well.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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Once again V your words lend strength and peace to me.

So an update for this day.
I actually had one of the best nights of sleep that I can recall since this started. I fell asleep in the chair awaiting word from D17 that was at the prom. She arrived home at about 1140 pm and woke me to let me know she made it home. I stumbled into bed and went to sleep promptly. I woke up at 4 am and made a bathroom run, and then went back to sleep until 6am. This was the closest to 8 hours of un interrupted sleep that I have had in awhile. I still took a sleep aid, but I felt refreshed this morning. I did not need an anti anxiety med although a couple of times there was a trigger that set the tremors off below the surface.

At one point I showed me D17 that I was not shaking externally, but could feel it inside. She took my hand and said that she could feel it. She was in awe that on the surface, nothing, but she could feel the vibration when she held my hand.

So last night I ran to the mall with D5 and picked up a dress shirt, some slacks and a new tie that actually fit due to some of my weight loss. Today in church I received some compliments and felt good sporting some clothes that were not baggy and looked sharp on me. My D17 even told me that she was told that I looked sharp today.

WAW came to church today as D17 received a special blessing, and she was cold and avoided eye contact and would talk as if I was not there when speaking with my daughters. I was pleasant to her and greeted her as I would anyone else. Very awkward as we were referred to as a fine looking family.

Afterwards WAW told D5 she would see her tonight. I reminded her that I would drop her off in the morning as she had decided for the current co parent plan. She ignored me, and addressed D5 and said, oh, I guess I won' t see you until tomorrow. Next weekend will be fun for us though. She then made another comment how it was lonely, but "dad" never has to be alone because D17 is with him all of the time. D17 replied that she was with her half of yesterday. WAW just frowned and got in her car. Will she ever let the wall down? Will she hold this hatred and bitterness forever without ever addressing it?

I know, these are questions that I should not be concerned with. I guess the heart still speaks loudly as I continue down the path of detachment. Almost half of my life's experiences, feelings and memories are tied to this woman. It is if I have to amputate that part of my heart and memories. But, I know that it is the only way now. I must continue to grow as a person and look forward to attaching my heart and new memories to my baby girls and their futures.

D17 had a wonderful day yesterday, but due to the late night she was tired today. She seemed a little out of it, kind of in a daze, and then tonight she broke down. It is really tough to watch this and feel so helpless, but I tried to validate, comfort and at the appropriate time share encouragement and fatherly counsel. She is struggling a little with self esteem and the overwhelming stress of the situation. She feels trapped. It breaks my heart. My baby girls are the motivation that is driving me through the dark clouds of depression and anxiety, and seeing her go through this really tests the limits of my soul. I want to just reach out and fix it, and all I can do is watch as her tears flow, listen to her express her confusion and try and comfort her. This while looking to keep my D5 in a comfortable place and smiling. I sometimes feel that it is my fault they are in this situation. If only I could have been a better husband. Not made so many mistakes. If only......I know. I do not hold all of the fault here. I just feel the guilt when I see them struggle. This is not what my babies deserve. It is overwhelming.

They have both fallen asleep now while watching ET.

WAW just called to speak with them. She was disappointed they were asleep. She then asked me what is up with the L and the finance agreement. She wants her money. I said I am following up.

I pray that God provides a peaceful rest to us this night that we may awake with renewed strength, energy and some success moving forward tomorrow.

I also pray that God may provide peace to my WAW this night. May her heart be softened and may she find that which might give her joy.

May each of you reading this have a good night and thank you for following me and my situation.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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I'm glad you got some sleep, SadHub. You deserved a good rest.

Sorry, though, that the day had so many awkward and trying moments. You are doing really well when interacting with your W. It is impressive that you are able to be so controlled while under so much pressure and such constant contact.

NC is no picnic, but I get to fall apart and pull myself back together out of sight, so to speak. I don't know how I'd manage if I had to see H all the time.

I can completely relate to your thoughts about half of your life involving your spouse. I struggle with that, as well. I'm 45 and have lived with my H since I was 19, so he is part of almost every single memory of my adult life. I don't know what to do with that now.

I hope tomorrow brings you peace.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Mar 2016
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One very bright and heart warming moment today was at dinner when my D5 said the blessing for our meal.

She asked God to bless our food, bless her sister to have a good day at school tomorrow, blessed me to have a good day at work and then asked a blessing for her mother, which she called her by her name, to come back and live with her daddy so we can be a family.

Out of the mouth of babes.........it really warmed my heart and D17 had the biggest smile I saw on her all day.

It's the small moments of pride and peace like these that provide the strength to take another step.

I still have hope for my family and the future it holds.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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