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Hi Nate,

I'm sorry. This stinks! I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I think what matters is what the kids see and how they experience this. It's going to be hard on the kids for their family to split up, so ultimately it's best if parents can be a united front. Wouldn't it be great if everything was just simple and smooth all the time (sarcasm)?!? Do these waywards really think hard about the impact on their kids and the long run? ... It doesn't seem they think much past when they can get their next fix from their AP; like an out of control teenager or addict!

So ignore her. You are only human, you have your reactions, and that is okay. I think you did the right thing and I don't think you should be hard on yourself. She is delusional if she thinks you guys can have a nice family dinner and everything will be "normal." That is not what happens when you have an A and rip apart your family. That is cake eating.

So try not so sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things, those details won't change what she does or doesn't do. you have little control over that. So just keep doing what feels right, let her go, and focus on those kiddos. She can go and pout all she wants. There will be plenty of pouting and self-doubting in her future, and that I KNOW.

As V says, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Yeah when she came back we had a blow out. Tried to talk boundaries as far as when I will have the kids in my week I want to have my time with them. She said she will be coming to the soccer games and whatever she wants basically as far as extracurricular activities during my week with the kids. Of course during my week I work evenings so I would not get the same access. She is trying to move in on the boundaries I would like to have with our kids. Anyways it got heated and talk of lawyers going after more and blah blah blah. It's starting to get real now. As much as I want to practice DB. Today my blood was boiling because she was acting hugely defiant, and of course we got into the OM and that's not why we are seperating. It's because we had marriage issues. I said that's BS. We had issues but this did start happening till he was around etc. I don't know why I waste my breath. I called her selfish. She said she was finally happy and doesn't give a [censored] what I think. Man it got way too heated tonight. Been quiet between us for days. Don't know why the blow out tonight. Not sure if there will be many days like today. I feel she has some huge boundary issues I have to deal with when it comes to our kids. It may be best to let the lawyers do the talking and go back to shutting the [censored] up.


Me 40
W 35
Kids 2 S6 D3
T 10 yrs M 8yrs
BD 11Mar16
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Nate,
Avoid all D and R talk with your WW. It's a recipe for disaster. Not only will you never win any arguments, you will just drive each other apart and create more acrimony in your D.
You should talk to your L if you are trying to limit access to extracurriculars. It might be pretty difficult if they are public events. Personally I think it benefits the kids for both parents to be there...


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
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Thanks for that. I just need to hear that. I will talk to the lawyer maybe I'm just being to controlling, angry. I don't know. Maybe I just don't want her there right now cause I know it triggers me emotionally. Haven't detached yet. I may just tell her that was angry and out of line as far as access. We have discussed it before during the stage when we were being all nice to each other still. Before I knew about OM.


Me 40
W 35
Kids 2 S6 D3
T 10 yrs M 8yrs
BD 11Mar16
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She didn't get her way. Of course she's upset! Was act so much like children it's uncanny.

You said "yes" and she tried to override you. That's not how this works. You have as much say as she does, and as long as that's not a standing household rule, you're good.

Just be aware that the further along you go on this ride, that the kids might start to see what they can get away with and with whom. They might ask mom and when she says "no" come back to you.

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Well today the W texted me to tell me that she is registering the kids for hockey and how much. That's fine. Then she proceeds to tell me they, meaning her and the kids, are going for a sleepover on Friday again. They did the last Friday I worked as well. It's over at a friends house whose kids are friends with my kids. Now here's the kicker. These are friends of the OM from the hockey team last year. Last Friday my W and the OM both stayed overnight. So today when she texted me that. I told her to be careful about confusing the kids and letting them see you sleep with him. She told me that he doesn't sleep over. I let that lie go and basically told her to be careful about confusing the kids when she's sleeping with him. She was really quiet on the phone. As if she thought I didn't know. It was silent so instead of hanging on the phone I said I had to go and just hung up. A few minutes later I just sent a text saying. That it was our S who told me the OM slept over downstairs with her and the people that own the house. I don't care that she lies to me but be very careful about confusing our kids. Of course no response back. Maybe now that that isn't really a secret maybe it won't be as fun for her or at least be on her mind then. I could only hope but I doubt it. The fog is thick with this one.


Me 40
W 35
Kids 2 S6 D3
T 10 yrs M 8yrs
BD 11Mar16
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 51
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Also who does that. Whenever kids go for a sleepover. You drop your kids off. I really want to text her that that is vey odd and from a legal standpoint it would be frowned upon. Since she wanted to threaten me the other day with more than 50-50 with the kids.


Me 40
W 35
Kids 2 S6 D3
T 10 yrs M 8yrs
BD 11Mar16
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 310
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Take a step back,

Let this fire burn itself out. They are acting like teenagers. Remember your HS relationships? they fizzled out quickly; 1-6 months usually.

This is the hardest part to get right, but you need to focus on you. DOn't worry about what she's doing because it will only continue to hurt you in the process. Focus on you and becoming who you want to be.

Do you have goals for yourself? what are they? how will you meet them? come up with a plan that, when successful, helps you become the man you want to be; a man only a fool would leave.

Does that make sense?

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Nate,

I am all about the DB, no R talk, etc, but sometimes these waywards need to get checked! As long as you can keep the anger under control and think about what you are saying, it is necessary and can be very effective sometimes! I did this with H and it really had him thinking. Especially when the kids are involved. I think you did the right think by calling her out! Good for you!

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Hey Mowgli,

I have been trying to step back and let this affair play out. I recently signed up for the gym. been trying to get a bit more social and see other people. I still get caught occasionally fighting about our M sometimes. I do try to step back though. She has alot of resentment and loves to demonize me.

Lately the house and the seperation agreement has been the main focus around our house. The appraisal came in way higher than either one of us thought for the house. So she was worried she won't be able to buy me out. Which in one way It upset me about the kids having to relocate, in abother way I was happy because she has to relocate. Now it seems she thinks she can still buy me out or buy the house outright. Which if she can its a fast way for me to get out of this emotional abusive enviroment. I'm just worried if things don't really change for her then the OM moves in after I'm gone and she will be cake eating for the next however many years. I am feeling vengeful lately and angry. I'm not even wanting to save this marriage anymore, I just want her to pay at this point. Not sure if that will change or I'm just emotional. I figure our seperation agreement will be done in the next month or so. I'm bracing for the realization that I will be moving out soon. I will get my kids 50/50 and I will have some equity from her buying me out or us selling the home. So I have to look at the idea I'm getting a fresh start to do whatever I want. In some ways thats exciting. I just hate leaving when I feel like her cheating on me, demonizing, rewriting our history, lying and all the things she has been doing really get under my skin, and I want peace with it all. I want to be right and vindicated more than anything. I know thats asking alot and I just wish this was a bad dream. I seem to keep pushing her buttons so I figure hope is lost at this point.

I know I'm just rambling verbal diarrhea at this point. The DR book should be showing up today. That will take my focus off all the crap going on for a bit. I'm anxious and angry and just need to get out of here and get some peace, so that I can heal and move on in my life. It's really hard under the same roof.

I have a IC session on thurs. I need to ask about my D bday. Last night my D said she wanted OM S at her Party, which will be in June. She said she loved him. She is turning 4 and OM S is 7. I later phoned W and siad I didn't want OM coming to her Bday party or His S, I think that would be disrespectful to me and our family. She basically siad of so your taking it out on the kids. She also figured I'd be out of the house by then anyways. I told her she is way too optomistic about how fast the L will get this agreement done and us agreeing to everything. Guess we will see. I'm actually dreading my D bday party at this point.

Where did it all go wrong?ugh


Me 40
W 35
Kids 2 S6 D3
T 10 yrs M 8yrs
BD 11Mar16
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