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Nate14 Offline OP
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Hey Mowgli,

thanks for the support! I get that she is on an emotional high and it seems she isn't coming back to reality. I read the 37 rules and started to implement them and have re read them a couple times. What worries me is that I was checked out for so long, this seems like more of the same. I get that they may be more for me and making me stronger and more confident. I feel the detachment gets a bit easier everyday, i still have my moments where im breaking down and crying, can't help it. comes and goes.

Today though I kinda goofed I think. I asked her how she was feeling, i know i'm not supposed to initiate but she has been silent for so long and I have been keeping quiet too. I tried to cut the tension in the house i guess. She mentioned to me also that the house will be appraised on Tues. That way she can figure out at the bank if she can get a line of credit to buy me out and go back to her L for the seperation agreement. It seems everyday its getting more and more real. I got a little anxiety from this, can't imagine what it'll be like the day I'm moving out.

I honestly don't get it? How one day you feel so secure and then the next your whole world is crashing down around you. I get nothing lasts forever but I was so not prepared for this. Funny thing, When I was in my early 20's I was married and I cheated on my then wife. left the house after I was caught. I ran and found out down the road that things are not better. life still is a challenge. My XW and I get along these days, we have a D15 together and both remarried. I feel like this is payback. I walked that road and said I would never get married again and I would never cheat on anyone ever as that is the worst thing you can do to another person. I kept to that. it was the one and only time I ever cheated. Haven't thought about it forever, and now it seems payback/karma, whatever you want to call it is working its magic. The problem is, I was all in this time, thats whats ripping my heart out.

I appreciate the support and I will look up Tyler12 and Job. Thanks for that! I'll keep trying to GAL and follow the 37 rules, and I hope the DR book arrives soon. want to dive into that.


Me 40
W 35
Kids 2 S6 D3
T 10 yrs M 8yrs
BD 11Mar16
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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LiM Offline
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Hi Nate,

So sorry you are here. Definitely devour that book when it comes. Come here and post and learn from others.

I too was checked out and poured my attention into all the wrong things. I emotionally neglected my family. I came to realize that and started making changes before I found out about my W's A. The 180's do seem backwards but they do work if you are genuine in your efforts to make changes. Make those changes for YOU so that YOU are a better person. Dont do it for her. Its hard to understand how detaching will work when you, like me, are guilty of not making them a priority in your life. But right now, she doesnt want your attention. NOTHING you do for HER will make her happy. It will only push her further away; especially if she is a WW. She has got to stop the A and come out of the fog before she will see the NEW you.
As an example, my WW told me (after we started piecing) that my detachment made her angry. She wondered why I wasn't checking on her. Why wasn't I asking how she was doing? I told her that if I had pursued her that it would have pushed her away. The very next thing out of her mouth was to agree with me! She even talked to a friend and asked the friend the same thing and the friend also told her that it would have pushed her away. Right now, she doesnt want your attention. So pour all your effort into YOU. Detachment is about not letting her control your emotional state so that you can take care of you.
You didnt arrive at this place in life overnight and it won't be fixed overnight. Be patient and work hard on YOU. Let her do whatever she feels she needs to do. Nothing you can say or do for her right now will have any impact. So let her go. Let go of your M. Thats how you will have a fighting chance of getting it back. The DB book should really be titled "How to save your M when you are the only one that gives a Sh!T." Right now, you are the only one fighting for your M and you do that by focusing on you.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 51
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Nate14 Offline OP
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Typically when you detach how does one know that she may turn around. I suppose you know it's working cause your feeling better, but is there any typical patterns how this plays out. I have seen people talk of the script that WW follow. Mine definitely follows the script. So is there a script in a sense how these things play out. Anything to watch for etc?

I will put the work in and follow rules, also what is piecing? How do you know you have reached that stage?

God I'm so friggin emotional right now. I read the new title you gave the book LiM and almost started crying. So pathetic. Ugh. I hate this feeling.


Me 40
W 35
Kids 2 S6 D3
T 10 yrs M 8yrs
BD 11Mar16
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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LiM Offline
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I know what you are going through Nate and it is horrible. No one should have to experience this and yet this is where we are at. All I can say is that you will survive this. It won't be pleasant but one way or the other, you will come out the other side.

You dont know if she will turn herself around or not. Thats not the purpose of detaching. The purpose of detaching is to take care or YOU no matter what happens. There is no guarantee that she will get her head out of her a$$. You have no control over her. The only thing you have control over is yourself. So put your focus there.
I will say that, as counter intuitive as it seems, detaching and moving on with your life is the BEST bet you have for saving your M. I have no doubt in that. Its worked and is working for me.
In order for things to turn around, the A has to end and she has to come out of the fog. She's got to experience some sort of pain or loss. She needs to see that she is losing you. When her world come crashing down around her, she needs to see that a new an improved Nate is still standing there. You won't be welcoming her back with open arms though. She's got to earn her way back. But I think you will know it when she hits rock bottom and the fog starts to clear. I wish I could tell you to look for x, y and z but everyone is different. Regardless, I think you will know it when you see it.

Piecing refers to piecing your M back together. That can start when your WW has hit rock bottom, begins to come out of the fog, realizes what she has done and begins to show remorse. At a bear minimum, you need to see genuine remorse before you can begin to work on piecing your M back together. I wouldnt even concern yourself with this at this point. You've got a ways to go and honestly, you dont know if you will ever get to this point. Its up to your WW on whether or not you get here. All you can do is take care of yourself and make sure you are the best Nate that you can be. Detach, 180 and GAL. That is your job right now. That is your best bet for being ready if she comes around.
I cried everyday for the first two months of our separation and I didnt even know that the A was still going on at that point. I honestly thought we were both "working" on our R. If I had know, I dont know how I would have made it. Crying is ok. Being emotional is ok. You are hurt. You should be angry and emotional. But do that when you are alone. Dont let her see that. Be confident and in charge when you are around her. Be a mans man! Dont let her see you being a door mat because thats not attractive to her. Spend all your time and energy working on you. Let her stew in the mess she created.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 51
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Nate14 Offline OP
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Well today My kids had a Bday party to go to. even though it was my day to have the kids I let my wife take them to the party. It was a friend of my S and the parents are the recently new friends to my wife, also the OM's friends, soooo yeah I'm not really the best person to take them to the party. I would love to have stood up for the boundaries we had set in place but that only hurts my kids in this situation. So i made use of my free time and went to the gym. When my W or soon to be XW i guess came home she dropped the kids off gripped about how tired they were and what time did they go to bed last night. She is pleasant some days, and then she proceeded to say good bye to the kids cause she had to go. She works tongiht at 7 and is goign out before hand i guess. Not privy to where she's going? I hate all this secrecy and lies. Although i remain pleasant, I'm feeling like I just need out of this limbo phase, I know it would do me really good emotionally to not see her everyday. She treats me like a roommate she hates and I just feel seperation will allow her to go through with whatever she needs to go through with OM etc. Not sure if that will sovle anything, it will definately allow for me to heal and grow from here though. This living together while she is seeing someone else is BS.

Anyways, thats my rant for today.


Me 40
W 35
Kids 2 S6 D3
T 10 yrs M 8yrs
BD 11Mar16
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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LiM Offline
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You probably made the best decision regarding the bday party today. When it comes to the kids, I think you've got to be willing to give a little to make sure their well being is maintained. I know I let a lot of things slide with my W regarding the kids when I wasn't ok with her decisions. Long term, I would have eventually had to put my foot down on some things but they weren't worth fighting about in the short term.
I'm glad you were able to take the time to do something for yourself today. That was the right thing to do.
Being in limbo bites.
Dont be distressed by her changing moods. It shows she's in conflict with herself. She's in turmoil. That's a good thing. Let her stew in the mess she's created.
Having your WW stay in your house was a deal killer for me. I kicked my W out when I found out about the A. I couldn't technically make her leave (state law) but I knew she would go once I confronted her. That was a boundary I wasn't willing to budge on.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 626
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That is the one mistake I made, LiM. If I had done what you did and concurred with my WW's threat to leave the house the NIGHT of my discovery of her EA, I would have been so much further ahead. For one, she would've gone to my MIL and the whole direction of the would have changed significantly. Even if she ended up filing for D still, the timeline probably would have been stretched out a lot longer.
Also, I could have claimed abandonment in requesting full custody.
Ah, hindsight is always 20/20...
Instead, I begged and groveled for her to stay, and then when she actually filed the D, she stayed on for 2 more months while our L's haggled over the Separation Agreement. The two months were wasted as I tried to apply the strategy from another forum and tried to "nice" her back into working on the M. I'm pretty sure it didn't work and was probably counterproductive because we were at close range while the L's battles became more and more vicious and petty. What really $ucked was I gave her $5K to move out before she filed, her L told her not to in order to extract more out of me. That was a bad move. It didn't expedite her move one bit, which probably would have helped our relationship.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 51
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Nate14 Offline OP
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Yeah I really don't want to be in the same house as the WW but have no choice. Neither of us are in a position to move out right now. When I went to my L she said I should let her do the dirty work since she wanted the seperation/divorce. Which I agreed may slow things down so that hopefully she thinks about what she is doing. Apparently that was a bad idea. I have to live in this limbo hell hole and its letting her eat cake as well in a sense. I see all this now. Oh well she is looking into an appraisal of the house and gonna see if she can get a line a credit to buy me out. I think that will bury her financially but that'll be her problem not mine. Unless OM is truly a white knight and moves in. Lol. I hope she gets it. I just want out.

Today my S had Testing for his belt in taekwondo and W was gonna meet us there. She worked a night shift so she got up and got ready after we left. When she arrived. She looked fantastic. Ugh I hated that so much. I know I'm truly attached still. I was Doing so well cause we were not seeing each other due to schedules and what not. That's always been the way. Probably the reason why we are in is mess. I digrese though. I truly tried to not talk to her and didn't make eye contact, maybe said a couple words that needed to be said about kids. Then for the rest of today I felt like [censored] again. I can see how being around your W can trigger these emotions. Now tonight she's off with her friends while I stay home with the kids. My day with them and all. I wish I would get even a temp check from her. It seems like she has moved on completely. I read all these posts about the other spouse and mine seems to not give a [censored] at all. She doesn't talk to me about anything and I don't want to initiate due to the 37 rules etc.


Me 40
W 35
Kids 2 S6 D3
T 10 yrs M 8yrs
BD 11Mar16
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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LiM Offline
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That's hard Nate. We'd all love it if our S's would look like crap as we go through all this. We want to see them suffering as much as we are. Regardless, try and keep your focus on you and what you are doing. You need to get to a place where it doesn't matter to you what she looks like, says or does.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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