CRW, thank you for this. I agree. I am trying to be in the present and move forward.
Somehow things feel like they are falling into place. Trust me, I did not feel this way for a long time when H was off in the fog and then the rest of my life took a downward spiral. There were many times I felt that I was losing everything and wondered if I could even survive it. It was the darkest and scariest time in my life. Somehow, I don't even know how, I got up each day and just tried a little bit harder.
I wanted to give up, and I was hanging on by a thread, but I never let myself. I do believe (to an extent) in the laws of attraction. So keep getting up each morning, moving forward, being the best you can be, but also--forgive yourself every time you screw up! Time and patience are key. Learning from your own mistakes can be one of the best ways to grow.
Keep on keepin on! -Blu
Hi Blu,
I have read this several times this evening as my switch feels hopeless a little more each day. The anger from my WAW is something I had never seen in 20 years and the things she accuses me of are so penetrating that I sometimes wonder if I am not the devil himself, if that is what I really did for 20 years to make her feel like she says she does now. Her words to me today, were, "I don't know why I ever married you!" Anyway, my point is just getting up each day is a small win, and that I will make mistakes, but can learn from them. Your words give me hope on this night as I lie here wide awake in spite of taking a sleeping med. With this hope, I will try to meditate and pass on to sleep.
Thank you for your insights and wisdom, and I pray for you as you continue on your journey, may it be a successful one.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
That is a big hug. Thank you for your kind words. You really got me here, and my heart aches for you. When I read your posts, I see so much wisdom and transparency, and without a doubt you are a good, solid man. I don't know you or your W, but I do get the feeling she is making terrible choices right now.
Sometimes when I post here, I am not sure what to say, because I also recognize we are different people, have different Ms, and each sitch will turn out differently. So when I do give support or advice, even those splintering 2*4s, it's only because I think it was what I needed to hear during that time in my life. I was always too afraid to post, so I commend all of you that have more courage than I did.
SadHub, if there is something I would want to tell you, it would be to not take her words to heart. Now, I am completely of the Left Coast, and hate to gender stereotype, but I do think women can speak in ways that men don't understand or in ways that they should NOT take literally.
What your W has told you, I have told my H many times, and I have said much, much worse! Not only while he was off in the fog, but since he has been back. Do I mean what I say? In that moment of deep emotional pain and fury, I feel like I do! I am an emotional creature and have a lot of triggers. The other 95% of the time I don't mean it at all! I don't say these things to attack him and push him away (even tho it does), but it's a cathartic release because I am hurting, I am scared, and it's that little child that is still wounded and afraid. It's not because of who he is.
So until we go back in time and take care of that little child, we remain wounded. Even if we reconcile, and we breathe those big sighs of relief, that wound is still under there. Those are the deepest wounds. That is why I am a believer in the DB process--because it is about learning to heal the self, love the self, and break unhealthy, co-dependent patterns that we all fall into with a long term M.
So it's a win-win situation any way you spin it. Not measured in days or weeks, but over your life time. If the H/W comes back, we are stronger to enter piecing. That is the only time we can work on the R. If they are not 100% committed, you have to let them go! For them, but also for yourself. If they don't come back, then we recognize we deserve better than that AND we are better prepared for the next R. We will not repeat the patterns that got us here. We are the other half of these Rs.
I hope today is a better day. Just wake up each day, eat, cry, take a walk, laugh, cry, sleep, and then rinse and repeat. That's what I did for a long time, but I never really gave myself credit for it. Over time everything will work out if you believe it will.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Whether meant or no, somethings once said cannot be unsaid.
V
You are right, V! I'm not proud of the hurtful things I have said. And whatever the reason is, does not make it okay to say things out of hurt or anger. That is why I am here, because I think I could have done a much better job focusing on myself, so that I was stronger when H came back. I was more focused on winning him back, which I see a lot of folks doing here.
So we have been piecing over a year, while trying to work on ourselves simultanesously. It's not easy. Part of the reason that H checked out, had the A, and got stuck in the fog is because he was an extreme people pleaser. He adopted the role of Mr Nice Guy (there is a great book on this FYI), awesome dad, hard worker, and family man. He did not hold masculine stereotypes and prided himself on that. With that he lost himself and his own needs and interests.
I adored him, as did all women that met him. "He is so great! I wish my H was more like that!" What I failed to realize is that he was silently suffering and had growing resentment towards me. He felt that he did everything for me and the family and was worn out.
He now realizes that it was his responsibility to share in decision making, to communicate his needs and wants, and to stand up to me. He has done a lot of self work and he gets it now. It's still hard though. Because all of this work feels like the opposite of piecing--they come into direct conflict daily! So I'll be honest, with my hurt and resentment over what he did, sometimes no more mr nice guy gets on my nerves!
Enough about that though! I have to remember my kindergarten rules sometimes. Because no one really wants a doormat for a H do they? Not anymore I don't!
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you Blu for the kind words and the great insight. I do think there is some validity to what you say about things being said that may not really be meant. When my WAW said the things she did, it pierced my heart and hurt deeply. My mind tried to comprehend the things being said and held on to the small bits of truth that I know when I have made mistakes. But after careful thought my mind finally concluded that the absurdity of the things being said and the manner in which they were said, that it was not all truth, but it is a combination of her fear, her hurt, the feedback that she gets from those she shares her story with and an emotional defense mechanism to go through with what she started.
Your thoughts give me perspective and help tremendously. One of my goals no matter how this all turns out is to love her, keep forgiveness in my heart and treat her with the upmost respect.
Thank you Blu.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
A woman at my meeting said something really interesting to me last night. She said that when our spouses look at us they see a mirror showing them their own flaws and misdeeds. They don't want to see that about themselves.
Their reaction is to project those flaws onto you/find a way to deflect blame for their actions. So, for instance, my H has had self-esteem issues so he accuses me of making him feel inferior. The worse they feel about themselves, the worse the anger directed back at you.
(The rest was about what they see when they look at an AP: their best self, because that is all they have chosen to show the new person. Doesn't apply to your sitch SadHub, but you get the idea.)
Anyway, it seemed to jive with what I've heard from my H.
Just food for thought.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Same here, i like comming back to this thread even when there isnt any new posts.
BlueWave, might i ask since you are in the piecing stage do you feel now that you are no longer trying to win him back do you still feel strongly about H?
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
