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Originally Posted By: Phoebe
I have also found that hope is not a helpful thing for myself.

I spent the first 3 months actually believing what H said to me in his emails, and it all gave me hope. Because of that, I thought we were piecing, and I did so many things that were wrong! I didn't listen to what I heard here. After decades of trusting H, I just wanted to continue to do so.

The first time I actually heard the "we're over" statement, at the same time I discovered the PA, I was absolutely devastated. It was the first time I realized it really might be true. My family couldn't understand why I suddenly got so much worse, even though they knew what had changed. They didn't understand that before that point I had so much hope.

Instead of learning acceptance and detachment in those first months, all I thought about was him and what I'd done and how I could fix things and how I could keep in contact and, and, and... I'm sure everyone knows the drill. I probably would have done all those things anyway, but I would have had my hope tempered by reality.

These days it's about grieving the marriage that is gone forever. Maybe there will be something in the future with this man, but maybe not. I have no control over that, only over myself.

Off to do some self-care!




You seem to have a very good understanding and insight into your sitch. It's impressive. You are obviously intelligent and have a lot of emotional intelligence. You also have so many talents and interests. Cake making, bee keeping, house projects, farming, I mean wow! I can tell you bring so much to the table. Man, oh man, he is truly an idiot to give this up. SMH.

When I read your thread, and how he strung you along for those first several months, it made my skin crawl! These waywards are so self-centered (or in major denial) to think the can keep their W as a plan B. However it does make me wonder if those are the ones that ultimately come back around. There is this audio online, it's a radio interview, that goes over the stages of limerance and why it only lasts a short while. See if you can find it; there are a lot nuggets in there that helped me understand what a mess my H was and to silently forgive him while he was gone. It wasn't for him, but for me, because I felt the anger was wearing me down.

So you are correct, maybe there will be something in the future for you two, and maybe there will not. In my heart I always just knew that my H would come back. He has done a lot of work and made many changes for me to even last this year. I just think for me, I could have done a lot more self-love and DB while he was gone. But hey, it's not too late for me now either. Time is still on our side. There is always more time.


-blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu,

I must commend you for your postings. Your recent additions to this board are just stellar. PLEASE KEEP POSTING! Just wanted to stop by to tell you BRAVO!

I'm on my way to D, and with my WW suspected to be in MLC, it might be years until she wakes up out of the fog. I'm GAL'ing and moving on. Never say never, but the hope I had for a quick 180 on her part never materialized. Your insights into your H are great for me and those who have gotten to D, and hope for a better future. Some do come back - you are blessed to have him. Some do not see the same result, but become the person they always wanted to be through the crucible of D.

Thanks again.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
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Originally Posted By: trumpet
Blu,

I must commend you for your postings. Your recent additions to this board are just stellar. PLEASE KEEP POSTING! Just wanted to stop by to tell you BRAVO!

I'm on my way to D, and with my WW suspected to be in MLC, it might be years until she wakes up out of the fog. I'm GAL'ing and moving on. Never say never, but the hope I had for a quick 180 on her part never materialized. Your insights into your H are great for me and those who have gotten to D, and hope for a better future. Some do come back - you are blessed to have him. Some do not see the same result, but become the person they always wanted to be through the crucible of D.

Thanks again.


Thank you for that validation, trumpet! I am glad that my posts are helpful, or at least interesting. I am still learning a lot in this process too! It's a life long journey. Honesetly, it has been helpful to come back and read the sitches now too. Perhaps it is helping me remember what a dark place H was in and how much he has come out of the fog. He has really changed and done a lot of self growth in this last year. I do believe he is remorseful, regrets all of it, and wants his M and family together as much as I do.

Keep up with the hard questions and I will try my best to answer them! I can even ask H too. He remains transparent to this day. There is little I don't know other than what I don't want to.

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu, I don't know what's happening, but I posted here a couple hours ago, and my post is gonzo. It happened yesterday, too. : (

Rather than rewrite it, I'll just tell you that your posts have a way of helping me reframe my sitch, and for the better. So glad you've joined us.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Ah, that's a bummer, I love reading your posts, Phoebe! That's a bummer about your posts. I've noticed that when I submit a post, I have to give it a minute to go through.

I am so glad that my posts have helped you! I cannot tell you how much that means to me. I feel for you, like you cannot even know--I will never, ever forget what it was like being in that place of darkness. It was the hardest time of my life. I can't go back in time and pick myself up, but it feels good to give something back here. Even just a little bit of support to someone else I've never met.

I am here for all of you. I don't know what any of your crazy Hs and Ws will do or when they will come out of the fog, but I DO KNOW that all of you will get through this. It will get easier and you will get stronger! Everything in due time.

There are silver linings if you allow yourself to find them. So many of them all around you and within you. If you can weather this storm, you may come out stronger than before. I have certainly learned many valuable life lessons that I could not have if this didn't happen. And while I wish it never happened, I can say now that I do not want my H back the way he was when I met him.

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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I saw OW yesterday.

My heart raced, got that feeling in my gut, but I held my head up and walked on by. Unfortunately we have crossed paths a few times in the last year and it is unavoidable that it could happen again. Kids' sports and activities. Maybe it's the one year mark that H has been back, or that it was such a beautiful day, or maybe just maybe, I am starting to keep her in the past. She did not ruin my day, not at all.

H even made a few comments about how messed up she is and how she has had multiple As, all the while she is hugged up with her next AP under a tree, and NO one is even talking to her or acknowledging them. She lost her H, her family, all of our friends in common, and this awesome community (the event we were at). I actually pitied her for a brief moment. She is a disaster. It's pathetic.

I feel so fortunate that I have my dignity, my friends, and this community; I am able to maintain and value my Rs with people over years and my lifetime (thus far). I also think the situation helped me forgive H a little more--because for me this piecing process has been 3 steps forward then 4 steps back--today I think stepwise I am positive a few steps.

I just wanted to journal this morning. Just over 1 year ago I thought I had lost everything and my life was turned upside down. Today I see that H is a better man and my family is thriving. More so, I am beginning to feel that I am moving in the right direction.

So let me leave this with you, beautiful people. DB is for YOU and YOU only. It may bring back your spouse and it may not. The mind reading will not. Changing just to show them you are a better person will not. But life is long and time can be slllooowww. So live in the moment, take deep breaths, and know your worth. The more we value ourselves, the more others will learn to value us too. You teach everyone you meet how you deserve to be treated.

Thanks for reading,
Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu, you are an inspiration. Thank you for preaching the message I need to hear.

I'm so happy for you that things are good.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Originally Posted By: BluWave


So let me leave this with you, beautiful people. DB is for YOU and YOU only. It may bring back your spouse and it may not. The mind reading will not. Changing just to show them you are a better person will not. But life is long and time can be slllooowww. So live in the moment, take deep breaths, and know your worth. The more we value ourselves, the more others will learn to value us too. You teach everyone you meet how you deserve to be treated.o

Thanks for reading,
Blu


Thank you Blu for sharing your journey with us, and for sharing this reminder and very eloquently expressed statement of the importance of becoming a better person for ourselves first and foremost. I know this in my mind, and yet making it law in my heart is a daily challenge. You are an inspiration for many of us. Thank you for your wise words and stellar example this day.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Blu,
This sounds wonderful...and inspirational. So much wisdom in that post. Please keep posting. Your posts are like cool water after a trip through the desert. Thank you.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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It's been a bit of a crummy stretch for me again, Blu, and the reminder SadHub reposted from you is just what I need to hear today. Thank you.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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