Your h is very envious of the kids. He wants them to look up to him and be his best buds, but he's late to the game and let's face it, the kids know that there is something off w/him.
As for the game of Chess...he just had to make a point even if it meant cheating a bit. Very childish.
I'm now thinking that if you are seeing all of this anger, he could have been simmering for a while and now that he's had a taste of a vacation and a clean room, he's angry about all of it and won't look at himself in the mirror and admit that he had choices and he made the wrong ones.
I would continue to do what works for you. He's going to be an angry man/teen for a while. Let him stew in his pot of juices. You can't forge the bond between father and sons...they have to do that.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi. I have been keeping up and wish I had more time to talk but I have to get to work. Sorry he came back in such a bad mood, vacation is supposed to do the opposite, unless you have to face the mess you created when coming back home!
The father son bond......as you know my H blames me for any and all issue s with S. After 3 years, him having time alone with S, away from me, I am still the enemy and reason S does not feel close with him. As you know, his excuses are ridiculous. IDK, I don't think it will change until they can finally accept it is of their own doing. The mystery remains how long that will take.
Shrug off his dumb accusations, it's him not you.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Job is right, your H wants to be his best bud. My STBXW did the same to my Daughters. They saw it and wanted nothing to do with her strange behaviour. She even wanted them to practice twerking together. My Daughters don't twerk lol.
Mleigh said something that I too was thinking. Him coming back all sour and upset. He probably had a terrible time away. Felt guilty and shameful. Of course it's all your fault in his MLC mind. Coming back from a vacation you are supposed to be relaxed, expression of happiness because you enjoyed yourself.
Stay strong , you seem like you are really grasping his thinking. The more he sees that it's not you hopefully he'll accept its him and try to fix it.
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
it sounds like your boys are already more mature than him HaWho! I hope your H wakes up to the fact that they can see straight through him and his dodgy behaviour.
Don't dwell on the "lemonade stand incident", I'm sure he would find something else to blame you for anyway...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
HW--I feel so much for you right now. I get teary eyed just reading your posts. I am unsure how you have managed for as long as you have. I am only 6 months into this and I am physically and mentally exhausted already.
Maybe him moving out is the best thing for BOTH of you. As much I don't want my H to do that, it really may be the thing that needs to happen. (Whether it causes him to "wake up," or thrusts him further into OW, I cannot say.) Sometimes you have to be apart, to know what you have together. And maybe that is wishful thinking, given that MLC has severely clouded all his rationale, but you cannot go on in the current state. Its unhealthy for mind and body.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
I have taken some time and thought all about things the last few days. I have looked inward and have to admit that I showed thinly veiled anger toward h when he returned. Really, I did not handle it the way that I wanted. My body language was angry and I was cold. Of course I have every right to be frustrated and angry but I am in a lose/lose situation as I am not dealing with a currently irrational person.
In the end, I decided to respond to him very calmly. This is the first time he has raised any issues with me and I wanted to make it super safe for him to do so. I do believe there will be a time and place for me to address all his behavior but not in response to a conversation he raises about something unrelated. I just felt like I would be saying "you have problems with me? Oh yeah, well, here's the problems I have with you..."
Wonka, please don't think your advice is in vain as I know this exact conversation needs to be had at some point.
In the end, I was quick and very light. I validated my interference in the lemonade stand. I told him his relationship with the boys is important for all involved. I thanked him for communicating with me.
This was a huge 180 for me. In the past I would have wanted to score my own points which would have grown into a tit-for-tat. But I stopped and listened to him just like I would my pre-teen.
He hasn't responded. I don't think he will. I am sure he was shocked by my response.
The day I sent it, later that day, I saw a huge 180 in him, too. I was in the middle of a task when he left to take s10 to practice. He then came home after drop off and said let me help you with x. We worked together and I thanked him.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Bravo! Very well done! Maybe now things will settle down again and hopefully he'll start to reach out more to assist you around the home. It's hard to juggle life, but more so when you have a MLCer living at home. You never know which way their emotional state will go. You handled it perfectly.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Would you please take a minute or two and visit LED22's thread? She may be getting into a situation very similar to yours, i.e., dorm room scenario. You have two sons and she has several daughters. She needs your sage advice on how you've coped w/your MLCer living at home.
Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bear with me a moment ... In my case, there were several employees who actually knew what was going on ... A ... before I did. (H made no real effort to be discreet when it came to them. I actually felt sorry they had to carry around the burden of that secret out of fear of losing their jobs.) Once the "fit hit the shan," my impression was that he was angry that their loyalty went to me and not him.
I'm just wondering if, even though the situation is different, your h is angry because he sees your boy's loyalty devoted more to you than him? Maybe he sees you as an obstacle to repairing his relationship with the boys? IDK. Just a thought.
In any case, I'm glad things have settled some.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
