Separating the Wheat from the Chaff

[BrightFuture]

HaWho, I’ve been reading along… All I can say, I admire your patience and sense of humor. I bet it feel great to have the MLC free house for a few days. And even then, he manages to remind you about himself, LOL. I laughed about the “Queen Bee mean girl variety”! How funny, and how sad at the same time…

I would totally order the spicy food when he returns! And then cook something he likes at the same time… And give him a choice… I bet I know what he would choose… Enjoy your weekend, HaWho!

[job]

They tend to run from themselves and all that represents a stable life. They want change, they want to turn the clock back to a time when they "think" that they missed something in life and also, want to go back and revisit those so called happy times in their lives as children. Unfortunately, we can't turn the clock back, we all grow old, the world has changed and those simple times are no more, we have responsibilities, friends and parents pass on and life continues to move forward.

Yes, I do think your h was picking a fight w/you to justify him going on this trip. I think he really wasn't too keen on going, but in order to push himself out the door, he needed to justify why he was going. Some of them talk a good game and wanting to do things, but don't have the strength or "guts" to do it until they are angry at us. Maybe he wanted you to tell him not to go...but again, we can't read their minds.

As for him enjoying himself...NOT! If he's complaining about he food, then I'm sure there are other things he doesn't like too. Him yapping to your sons about the place is just bragging and his attempts to prove that he's having a blast. Poor man, he just doesn't get it yet.

I'm glad you aren't sitting around in the evening wondering about what he's doing. You are right where you need to be at this moment...taking care of yourself and your sons. Living and loving life to the fullest. Enjoy your free moments for they will end soon.

[HaWho]

Hi Bright - I laughed out loud at your post. Thanks for the humor.

Job - Thank you for the refresher and all the words of wisdom. It all makes sense as to why he was picking fights for the last week over the stupidest things.

The time away from this whole thing has made me see how insane this all is. I have felt myself let another piece of him go. The guy went on vacation without his family!!! The thing is, if traveling always gives him a quick fix/high and there are so many places to travel I just wonder how he is going to outgrow all this?

Meanwhile, I can't help but think that there would be men out there who would cherish me. I am very patient. I always have been. It always takes me some time to make a decision but when I do, I don't really look back. My only strategy here is to keep being patient and giving time but at some point something needs to give. I can't wait my whole life and I don't see what will make him have an epiphany.

Yesterday I was thinking, if we split, I knew I would not be curious about him. This is how I was with all past boyfriends and he is now in that same category. Things are so much more complicated with children involved.

H returns sometime tonight. He of course did not say when. If I were him I too would wait until the very end of the night. I would not want to have to make eye contact either.

Tonight I am taking the boys out to dinner and then we will take the dog out for a beach walk. We are bringing paddles and we'll play Smashball. The days went so fast.

[HaWho]

H returned and all my anger surfaced. Boys and I came home and he was in the dorm room. Boys hugged him and I popped in and said hi, asked how his vacation was, etc. Then I went to to the kitchen.

He brought the boys back several gifts. One was a chess set. S12 asked to play with h. H was too tired. Surprise, surprise. So I played with him. H talked a lot about his trip. I just zoned out. From the sounds of it he went and pretended he was 20 again.

Job, he REALLY is going and doing everything he thinks he missed. It's just textbook MLC. With vibrant eyes he said it was all "awesome." I think he can run like this forever; 'til he's in a wheelchair. And even then he'll probably try to roll himself off a cliff to see if he can fly by flapping his arms.

I was doing an okay job until he sat down at 8PM (after playing Peter Pan for 5 days) and asked the kids if they had finished their homework! My look said it all. I am so tired of this fake "I am a responsible dad" routine. First of all, S10 doesn't have homework yet, which h would know if his spacecraft were here long enough. As for s12, like s12 left his homework 'til now? So stupid.

H is staring at me trying to figure out why I am mad. I wish he wouldn't bother pretending; like I am stupid enough to think he's got his act together because he asks the question to which he already knows the answer. A d he KNOWS The work is done. And what?!? If son hadn't finished his homework he would plunk himself down, roll up his sleeves and help? No! It would be the same result . . . off to the dorm room!

I get up to walk the dog. H says, oh I'll walk him (like he's just this super guy). And with a bite I say "no you rest." He says (angry) "no YOU rest." I tell him if he has the energy he should play chess with the kids. It's so annoying he has the energy to walk the dog but not play chess. Priorities, priorities.

Then he says "I'll do what I want." And I say "clearly." And he says "yeah well you're going to New York." I am almost out the door with the dog and I say "yeah, with my SISTERS."

Really?!? Going to NYC with my sisters is equivalent to this? And of course after being with the kids for all of 15 minutes he is back in the dorm room with the door closed.

I get a big fat F today. I know guys. But I don't care. What a louse. I think one of the things that set me off was the chess set. S12 was at a friend's house today and the boy's father played several games of chess with them. I couldn't help but think of my h running all around like an idiot while this boy's dad is an adult. One kid hits the dad lottery and the other gets a MLC loon.

I need to give myself a lobotomy to deal with this.

[Kyh]

Sorry about your evening, you can't always be superwoman (superman as my ic tells me in my case). I know those feelings all to well from when w was taking her trips. It all sounds so familiar. She too tried to justify it with saying how I got to travel and get to eat out all the time etc. But mine was for work; like i wanted to be gone or was having a good time, lol. She's cancelled her next one per her attorneys advice I think as it didn't fit her custody schedule. You may feel like your boys got the loon but they won the mom lottery! Hang in there.

[Esame]

I think you are doing a great job, but sometimes we need to let our anger out. I know it is not ideal, but we are only human.

I hope things are better tonight.

[Irish M]

I think he can run like this forever; 'til he's in a wheelchair. And even then he'll probably try to roll himself off a cliff to see if he can fly by flapping his arms.

hi HaWho
Made me laugh reading this. It's amazing the energy they use trying to find their Hapiness or the feeling of being alive . It's ashame they can't use that to work on themselves and fix their mess.

I get up to walk the dog. H says, oh I'll walk him (like he's just this super guy). And with a bite I say "no you rest." He says (angry) "no YOU rest." I tell him if he has the energy he should play chess with the kids. It's so annoying he has the energy to walk the dog but not play chess. Priorities

Like a teen not agreeing on a parents decision. As if he needs to have the last word and make it his decision. Their priorities are only to themselves. Maybe next time say sure and offer your S to go with him.

I so admire you and other LBS with their MLC'r at home. The strength and patience to see this person you once knew act out it the most ridiculous way.

I truly think you have a handle on this and you are very strong.
I wouldn't give you an F ... more like a B+

Irish :-)

[Ginger1]

You get an A in my book.

You are human, his behavior is that of a rude child, and when a child behaves rudely, we let them know, we don't ignore it. You are expected to sit there with your mouth shut and without emotion and reaction. it's just not realistic.

My daughter didn't hit the dad jackpot either. It saddens me often. My friends have such involved loving husbands as fathers. And my daughter gets a douche who is addicted to some stupid game on his I pad and just can't handle more than his half a weeknight because "it's hard living in another town". (he everyother weekend, but godfrobid he throws in an extra weeknight once in a blue moon).

Sorry, I vented a little on your thread. But I hear you on the kid thing.

[Ginger1]

of course I can't edit. " you are NOT expected to sit there with your mouth shut and without emotion and reaction."

[HaWho]

Oh gosh and it just gets even more stupid. Job I could use your input here.

He texts me that I interject myself into his interactions with the boys. Like when I decided to come to the lemonade stand with s10. (S10 invited me and told h he didn't need to come!). He says that everytime he talks to s10 I wedge myself into the conversation or call him away?!? I don't call s away. That is ridiculous. But yes, if the conversation is relevant I do talk. This isn't the Taliban.

He says I poisoned his coming home yesterday. (This is true. I was fed up with the Boys Gone Wild routine.) I am thinking of giving a truth dart here. Something like: you always promised you would be so amazing when the kids were teenagers and here we are and you go on vacation all by yourself. You could have easily taken the boys and given them an amazing life experience.

Then he says maybe we should have two separate homes and split the kids and the dog 50/50. He says he is tired of his closet room. Then he says he has already spent 6 million dollars on my comfort and care?!? And he continues to do so despite the ingratitude.

Then he says he can't continue to live in a closet with my negative interjections. He wants his own independent time with them without my morgue-like comments?!? (I am sure this is his guilt talking. He must feel it when he is in my presence.)

If that can no longer happen then he says let's start the 50/50 spilt as he can't live in the closet with my negative comments.

He says despite the romantic dissolution he was hoping we could still do this for the kids. (I want to give a truth dart here as he ran around for the half the year but now he's Superdad.).

Here's the most hilarious part: he can't continue to live this way and yet he ends saying: you decide.

So stupid. I want to take my dart and stab him in the butt over and over.

The kids would not eat his food. When the dog vomits he refuses to clean it up (seriously). And if I go away, he sends the dog to doggy day care. No lie! He sneaks out at night occasionally. Now he wants to have them 50% of the time. And it's SOOO important to him he wants ME to decide.

How much can I say?