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TimR,

I will have to ask, I am not sure but thank you for the information.

CWOL,

Not sure if OM2 knows about 5 sons. I don't think W will care if her OMs know. I am sure she uses it to her advantage and tells some kind of story. Her OM2 is a CPA, for sure makes more money than me and will be able to take her places that I cannot afford.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Jim,
I wasn't thinking about the money to raise 5 sons, but rather the emotional and physical work involved. Do these OM's realize what they are in for potentially? Plus a messy divorce?


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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CWOL,

Not sure if OMs realize it. She says she has told them. The likely chance that she will get remarried is slim based on having 5 boys. She has no problem giving them back when they are older if they want to live with me if some of them choose to live with dad is what she says.

I understand both points of view, hers and mine, she says I can have them all the long weekends and all holidays and have them more than 60 days a year. In her head she wants them, especially now when they are young.

I tried to negotiate this morning with her for 50/50 and she continues to say that the only way that will happen is if I move. So W and I will always disagree.

We will have to do parallel parenting because we do parent differently. Every time I discipline and she asks to speak with one of the boys she does not back up my disciplinary action and changes direction. She is trying to build a case against me saying the boys regression in school was because I filed for divorce and that she did not leave them, she left me. Continues to state that she cannot live in the same house as me, yet she is ok with spending money on hotels and now blaming me for the D.

I guess I understand DB coaches comments that I have been doing everything wrong in order to build a positive relationship. My question is, has anyone given up physical custody of their children? Did this make a positive impact on the R with the XW or XH? Has this person continued to DB and had success in finding a new R or remarrying?

If there is even a sitch close to mine I would sure love to read it because I am so torn. Heart says keep boys (DB through tough love which I have been trying to do), mind says take advice of DB coach and own up to my mistake of filing first (W has made statements similar to DB coach). I am sure if I did the latter it would take her years to get over all the wrong things she thinks I did to even reconsider an MR.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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CWOL

Do you think that exposing this to OM2 and letting him know she is still M and has 5 boys will do anything?
I know where he works also, not sure if OM2 is married.

W states that OM2 knows. Really? Are there that many guys out there that would go out with a woman that is going through a D?


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Originally Posted By: JimKao
Do you think that exposing this to OM2 and letting him know she is still M and has 5 boys will do anything?
I know where he works also, not sure if OM2 is married.


Jim,
Maybe. I know DB discourages it, but given that you are at a dead end with your WW you might want to try it, perhaps indirectly? Or find out if there's a Mrs. OM2? That's how I ended up exposing my WW's EA, I could not get her to R with me and she was in denial that it was ever an EA.
I don't think most rational men would go out with a mom with five boys at those ages, even if they are super wealthy. Talk about coming with baggage!
It does sound crazy to me that your WW would openly tell you that she is dating, at the same time trying to wrest custody from your hands. She must know that you will put up a fight with that!


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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I would not even know where to start to expose it. His FB page has a pic of him and his D. He is definitely a high ranking partner at his firm and the complete opposite of what W would pick. His favorite singer is Bruce Springstein and my W does not even like "The Boss"! Guess this is what happens when they are WW.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Originally Posted By: JimKao
Do you think that exposing this to OM2 and letting him know she is still M and has 5 boys will do anything?
I know where he works also, not sure if OM2 is married.

W states that OM2 knows. Really? Are there that many guys out there that would go out with a woman that is going through a D?


I don't think OM2 cares if your wife is married and has 5 kids. He's likely enjoying her attention and sex, not thinking about the future or long term.

Who knows what exactly your W told him. Probably something to the effect of, "our marriage has been over for years, I finally filed divorce papers." and anything she can say that paints you to look like a bad husband -- always at work, busy with xyz, whatever.

At this point, you're on the path to divorce, I don't think exposing anything will change anything. Focus on yourself and not on her.

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We are into week 2 of our 2-2-3 nesting plan with the boys.

W spews yesterday when I cam home from work and says that the dinner she made is only for the boys and not me. I just said OK.

We discussed some things about school work for the oldest 3 and then she left for hotel.

I looked up CCard charges and the bill for two nights was $320. She also signed herself and the boys at the gym for $144/month.

At the rate of the hotel spend for 12 nights a month plus gas back and forth to Toronto, she is spending as much as I would have spent on daycare.

I tried to address the issue with her to find a lower priced hotel but she is not budging. I also told her that we can find a one bedroom for less than $1K a month and sign a six month lease which will cost less, plus has a gym and a pool, but she spews back that if I am so concerned with finances then I should go stay at my parents while she stays with the boys in the marital home.

I just can't understand her anymore.

This whole scenario is so high conflict. I cannot control her actions and will have to get Ls involved just for the money management.

Boys told me she went out on a date when she had them this past weekend. Obviously OM. I really dislike her behavior.

At this rate I will not have any money left over from the D and she will bankrupt the family. She continues to blame things on me and I respond that I am really not interested in talking about the past and dismissed myself.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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She is completely taking advantage of your money. I don't know how you can force her to stay in an affordable hotel. When I looked up nesting, the example they gave was an apartment that the parents rotated as well as the home where the kids lived.

You need to take control of the finances. Can you remove yourself from the credit card? There needs to be a plan where she pays for herself and you pay for yourself. Both parents need to agree prior to signing kids up for things... however, without a legal agreement in place, I'm not sure how this would all work.

Have you met with any lawyers yet? Many have a 1 hour free consult.

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Removing yourself from a credit card doesn't always mean you are off the hook for the bill, depending on your state and the legal status of your M/S/D.

You can, however close the card down if you are the main account holder.

Have you set up appointments with any other lawyers? It sounds like you need some outside help and suggestions, I feel that you are not seeing all your options.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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