Headed for D - Trying to move on

[J5K]

Painter,

When W said she wanted to reconcile she kept doing things to show that she did and then said that she only wanted to co-parent. By the time I realized that we had signed a purchase agreement on the house.

As far as cost for L's, my L stated that conservatively the cost for this D could be as high as 50K. My L is the mother of a friend of mine from college.

Also I know my MIL is the enabler to WW. FIL wants WW out of his house and does not want to raise my boys. He has made that clear well over a year ago to both W and I. MIL and WW do not listen to FIL and keep secrets from him all the time.

[Vanilla]

Jim

Sweetheart, you are the more stable parent for your boys.

Your WW sought to get you as a resource for her. Whatever MIL did or said is largely a side issue with regard to your boys.

I continue to pray for you.

V

[Painter]

Jim, I'm still confused - which house? Houses can be sold. Children are irreplaceable.

You need to talk to other lawyers. I don't care if this is someone you know, that is the absolute max for a high-conflict divorce. H was in court with his ex numerous times over a period of 10 years and it never even approached that kind of costs. How many Ls did you interview?

[TimR]

Jim I have no idea where you live but 50K is ridiculous unless you are so incredibly wealthy you would have that kinda money in your back pocket. I am a lawyer and the most I ever charged for a divorce is 7,000.00. Counting a very contentious custody another 7,000.00. With expert psychs add another 5 to 6. Ok I am not the absolute best in my area, but I worked for her at the start of my career, she got all the high profile cases with docs and politicians, actually one was on Dateline NBC. She made 35,000 in that case. 50K is just not realistic unless you are somewhere they charge 1200.00/hour.

[1gr8dad]

It's the Psyc Evals, I know in my country each cost $20k. 2 parents and 5 boys, that will run a real tab!

There's gotta be a way to get a court order for her to not skip town with the boys until D is final. Once u have that in place than try to go to mediation in liu of having a custody battle with Psyc Evals and all.

[Painter]

Gr8dad, I don't know which country you are in, but in the US, you're not looking at that kind of cost. The cost also depends on whether it is court-ordered or initiated by one of the parties.

[J5K]

So had a DB coaching session this morning.

I told DB coach that I was conflicted on the R that I will have with STBXW and the issue of custody and where the boys will live.

He asked if I would be accepting of only being a dad for 60 overnights a year and of W possibly having another OM to help her raise the boys. Of course my answer was no.

I stated that since we are heading for D, W needs to understand reality and that she needs to work. He said that if I made statements like this to W that I am contributing to a negative R with her.

He reminded me that I agreed with W that I would work and she would be the SAHM. He also highlighted that prior to adopting the S6 and S2 that I made the statement that 80 to 90% of the workload falls on her which she has taken responsibility for and handled.

His assessment is that now I am creating a negative relationship by wanting to have custody of the boys and going back on my word of moving to Toronto and having her be the SAHM.

He also stated that she will not see that I am actually remorseful about me filing for D first if I don't take responsibility for my knee jerk reaction (which I admit it was). (ie; accepting my mistake and the consequence of her moving and raising the boys).

He also stated that I would look heroic to my boys if I accepted my mistake and accepted the consequence. I would be the kind and giving person that my W initially fell in love with and help build a better co-parenting relationship.

W did do a lot of things with respect to raising the boys and did a good job, but I also did what was asked when I was not working. Guess my past actions mean nothing when they were positive.

[J5K]

So found out tonight that STBXW has been emailing teachers and not copying me on the correspondence.

Also found that she went on a trip with OM while we were in the process of reconciling. She had S2 and had her mom watch him.
I do not know if there is any advantage to having this info for court or psych evaluation.

I will accept the fact that she will eventually meet someone else and remarry but I am not going to put up with her having physical custody of the boys and show that she can play mom when she wants.

I know it won't do any good to expose this to her that I know.
It stings my heart a bit but now I am even more upset and will fight for my kids. Morally this is just wrong what she is doing, but I guess some of my mistakes drove her to this.

I was such a fool, should have kept with the D when I filed.

[TimR]

Jim I do not know how it is where you live but around here we routinely put in Custody Orders a right of first refusal. That means if for a certain time period typically 3 hours here, if the custodial parent is away the other parent has the right to retake custody. If the custodial parent does not inform them that they will be gone greater than three hours then you can file a contempt petition. It may be worth talking to your attorney about it.

[CWOL]

Does the OM know that your WW has 5 sons? I was just thinking in my head how daunting that task is. I have one S11 and he was a handful at those ages, never mind 5!