You have gotten some excellent advice from ciluzen. Read her posting and then re-read it again.
Your h is talking a good game right now, but until he actually puts forth the effort to reconcile and I don't mean lip service, then it's not going to work. You can be civil to him, i.e., treat him like a long lost cousin or a neighbor when he pops in. Chat about safe topics and if he opens up and wants to talk, listen, but do not offer up opinions or advice unless he asks for them.
You definitely can't "nice" them back. However, you can be civil. You have to go on w/your life and live it to the fullest as there is no guarantee that he'll wake up any time soon, if ever. Be yourself and do not pretzel yourself to get his attention. The best thing you can do is stay true to yourself, even if that means doing everything on your own and on your own time. Keep those expectations at zero.
There is nothing wrong in caring about your in-laws. You can continue to do things for your MIL and be supportive of her, but as for your h...leave him to himself and allow him to grow up on his own time table. You can only control you and how you live your life.
Keep the focus on you. You are doing great! It's always one step forward, two steps back.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ciluzen and job thank you so much for the honest advice. So much food for thought in your posts, I need to read them again to process it all properly. It is so hard for me to not try to please him, I'm sure I have some sort of codependency issue, so many things to work on.
One thing is clear, his behaviour was pretty consistent today so clearly he is also acting, and he is not honest about his feeling. No way would he be ok with my behaviour today in the past, it seems like we both had personality transplants and we are in a life support machine, shadows of our former selfs.
Ciluzen I understand why it might sound like I want to control him, but that is not my intention. What I want is to not have to go thought being nice while he is distant and destructive, but I can manage being civil. And the reason I'm adjusting my behaviour is for me, not for him. I worry that I will snap and crumble under the pressure. I genuinely don't think that he can be manipulated or controlled, he is too intelligent for that.
Job, "one step forward two steps back" is exactly how I'm feeling. It's not a roller coaster really is it? One step forward two steps back is exactly right.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, in the beginning it was really hard for me not to try to please my H. But I realized that while I was jumping through hoops trying my please H, I wasn't getting any appreciation for it. I just got more of the same distance and blame and all the rest. He didn't WANT me to please him. Plus, it was painful and not a healthy way to live. For my own sake, I had to stop trying to please him and just treat him like a roommate.
You also have to develop a really thick skin and not let him see his moods and antics get to you. I'm thinking of a line from a song (Hall of Fame): you can walk straight through hell with a smile. I tried to just keep smiling.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I was the queen of pretzeling myself. Thing is, in the end, all I was doing was propping him up 24/7 and that sure was exhausting. It was like keeping the wind away from a huge house of cards.
I think sometimes we we don't fully understand that the MLC spouse has checked out of the r. They did it long before they tipped their hand at BD. We are behind them and for a while, we still think there's a r. So we do nice things for them. And we become upset when the MLC spouse does not reciprocate.
But again, they checked out long ago. They're not in a r anymore. And all of our nice gestures may be viewed as pressure on them to be in a r. So they lash out to get us away from them. As 2X2Many says, it's not a healthy way for you to live.
In the beginning it's all about giving time and space and working on you. Focus on you and the kids. My advice is be kind but treat him like a (kind of weird) roommate.
Take care of you!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm still trying to lower those expectations, not in the R sense of things (that's a big zero at the moment) but in the way we interact with each other.
He was walking around huffing and puffing yesterday maybe my strop bothered him after all. When he came back from the gym he offered to help with the laundry and while he was folding we spoke little about S10 and how he fast he is growing. I said that I hope we don't mess up like our parents and that we bring the kids up to be secure and honest about their feelings, and when he agreed I mentioned that a book I read recently spoke about how not speaking up about things that bother us makes us stop feeling things about the other person. He said that he agrees with that, and that he thinks that we both hate confrontation so much that we never argue and that in his case trying to hide those emotions or things that bothered him caused him to feel numb. This is the very first glimmer of honesty I got from him in the last six months. We didn't speak about anything else, but I wonder what would happen if I was more honest ant my feelings. Not sure I'm ready to open up (I don't think I can) but what if?
Went for a lovely long walk with the baby after I dropped S8 to school today, then I did a little shopping and got a card and a present for my tutor. I also managed to book a telephone consultation for some free counselling through my GP. Not sure yet if I qualify, they might just offer me something else if I don't though (group sessions or online therapy I think).
Loads of things left to do though, so I better go..
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Sounds like the conversation w/your h opened the window just a crack. So, why not explore it a little bit further and see where it takes you? You might start out very slowly and open up just a wee bit. I wouldn't touch on the relationship just yet, but I would begin talking about how you feel about things, if you are happy about something, talk about it, if something is bothering you, then talk about it a bit. Sometimes, when we least expect it, info drops in our lap and it is up to us to figure out what to do w/it.
So, let's start...did anything annoy you while you were shopping? Start out small and see where things go. Don't be afraid to stick your toe in the water. You won't know where his mind is at if you don't experiment just a bit.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job you put a smile on my face with the "start small" comment. I do need to start small, growing up in a dysfunctional and abusive family I tought myself to hide my feelings and emotions. It is not my H I'm hiding from, it's everybody! I always brush things aside no matter how much they bother or hurt me, and I pay the consequences now. Unfortunately H is the same, he is just lacking my patience so he goes on lock down and just "zonks" in front of his PC, TV or whatever distraction he can hide behind.
Back to "starting small", nothing annoyed me while shopping, BUT I just opened my new pancake pan and it is scratched so I need to return it.
And in relation to H, I don't know what starting small will look like. Maybe if from now on I mention things that bother me? I don't want to nag or start a pity party though, so I need to find a matter of fact way to bring things up..
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Even though we didn't talk about the R and I didn't start talking about my feelings yet, we did talk about the boys yesterday. And he was "present", he cared. He even asked about my observation today! Only two to go, one today and one next week. Then I will work on my portfolio and some reflections and then the course is done! And I can tick that off and move on to the next chapter of my career.
I did manage to tick a few things of my list yesterday, but I'm still a serial procrastinator. It is holding me back, and it is one of the things that H brought up as issues in our R and the way he sees me. Definitely an area of development for me, I must work on it as soon as possible. Any advice on procrastination, motivation and time management will be greatly appreciated!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I wish I could write everything down, I can only recall how raw the emotions were (for both of us) and how guilty and unhappy I felt. I knew I was against a divorce, but coming so close to it made me realise that it is really the last resort for me, unless of course he files.
It is clear now that he loves me but is not in love with me. At the time I believed he was honest, but I'm having some doubts now. I'm thinking that maybe he simply wants out, but I cannot give up.
I'm on autopilot I think, I really don't know what to do.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Things went quite badly for us, H declared that he cannot see me unhappy and that he doesn't think he can try. This continues with the them of "let's destroy further anything we are not 100% happy with". I don't know if I handled the situation well, I was in sock and told him that if he doesn't want to try he needs to go in September and that I was through. H looked devastated, but still didn't fight for us. He is in some sort of zombie mode, he says he doesn't know what to do, and that he doesn't want to end up like his dad. It's one of our first ever proper fights, and it felt like being hit by a bus. It is all a blur, I cannot remember specifics, but asking him to leave is the hardest thing I've ever had to say to him. And the prospect of my family being broken (officially) crushed me. It was a horrible night, but the next morning was easier, because I realised that we can survive a fight, we should have fought about things years ago. I also realised that I'm not giving up, so I messaged him at work to let him know that I am not ready to ruin my family, if he wants to do that it is up to him. He said we will talk, but we didn't (and I didn't feel like putting pressure on him). I wish I could write everything down, I can only recall how raw the emotions were (for both of us) and how guilty and unhappy I felt. I knew I was against a divorce, but coming so close to it made me realise that it is really the last resort for me, unless of course he files.
It is clear now that he loves me but is not in love with me. At the time I believed he was honest, but I'm having some doubts now. I'm thinking that maybe he simply wants out, but I cannot give up.
I'm on autopilot I think, I really don't know what to do.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
