I agree with Job about the counseling. I know my H needs IC and if he ever sincerely indicates he wants to come home and R, I'd encourage it. But I've been very leery of him doing that while in the fog. I don't think he'd be honest with the IC since he can't really be honest with himself at this point and I fear he'd be seeking nothing more that someone who will tell him he's right. Actually, he did see an IC for a couple of sessions in Part 1 and that is pretty much what happened.
I also wanted to echo Job about the friendship thing. I don't know how your R began, but my H and I started as just friends and it grew from there. I get the distinct impression that in his mind, that is the way for us to R. If you get the impression that your H is looking for friendship and offers nothing more at this point, I'd follow his lead. Start small and build. Keep the expectations near zero.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Thank you for you kind words and encouragement job.
I'm pretty sure he meant couple's counselling, which in all fairness is a huge step for him, not something I would expect him to suggest.
2T thank you for your reply. I am trying to have no expectations and being a friend. In fact I enjoy his friendship, and even though it hurts not being "together" the way I want us to, this is a lot better than I expected.
I am so excited about MIL (and FIL) coming this Wednesday, it will be nice to be with them after all that's happened with MIL's health.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Super excited today as my parents in law are coming. They will stay for 10 days, and I am really looking forward to it!
Also yesterday was my 1st teaching observation at the charity and I loved it. It went really well, students engaged and participated, and *I think* they are going to enjoy working with me.
On the relationship front there is hardly any improvement, but no deterioration either so I suppose that's good? I'm struggling with the lack of romance, but I'm keeping the frustration to myself. I think I'm being supportive but I often worry that I don't fully understand how to make H happy.
Might not be able to post much over the next few days, I plan to spend as much time as possible with MIL. I will catch up with everyone after the in laws go back home.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Having lovely time with the inlaws, MIL seems to be in good health and is enjoying her time with the grandchildren.
She spoke to me about how worried she is about H, and how she is struggling to understand him. She is so sweet, she said she will always be on my side (I don't believe that but it is good to hear).
I'm not really able to describe emotional state, I'm back on my roller coaster, even though H did nothing wrong. I cannot justify how I'm feeling, I think I'm entering another depression (had mental health issues in the past so I can recognise the signs) I have been referred for counselling but there is a wait.
It feels like there is so much to say, but I don't think I can compose my thoughts in a way that can make sense to others, I hardly make sense to myself at the moment.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Breathe! It sounds like you may have some anxiety going on. Did anything in particular happen to bring this on? Maybe the chats w/your MIL are causing you to feel the way that you are.
I'm glad your MIL is in good health and enjoying her time w/the grandchildren.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm so glad you are enjoying your time with your in-laws. MIL sounds like such a sweet lady, and what a great DIL to appreciate that in her!
I'm sorry that you are not feeling emotionally well. Job might be on to something about your chats with MIL. Are you afraid of losing her relationship with you (you are so fond of her) if H continues on...or is it much more complex? This roller coaster really has its high peaks and low valleys. I'm hoping your wait for a counselor is short.
I wish I could say something amazing to make you feel better. All I have is that it will pass. It is a roller coaster, a tidal flow, a winding river with spots of rapids. It will even out again soon, just ride it out...and hang on. (((Esame)))
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you for your kind replies, I really appreciate it.
A few things have contributed to me feeling so unstable at the moment. Firstly, the fact that we share a bed again (to appear normal to the parents in law) and being so close to him is very difficult for me. He cuddles me and is very affectionate, but I don't know if that helps. I guess I haven't lowered my expectations enough yet.
The other thing that upset me was the realisation that someone from my group of close friends has told my H everything from my past. This was a long time ago, but he dropped hints over the years which didn't make sense at the time but the penny dropped recently. I didn't engage in a conversation about it, if he wants to know something he can ask. I do feel betrayed though and cannot stop wondering if it is something that influenced the way he sees me. And was this the motive behind my "friend" gossiping with my H about me?
And lastly, a comment he made haunts me, even though I did not let him know how much it meant to me. He told me that I chose not to work in the last 2.5 years. So in his eyes I chose to get pregnant even though we were using protection (coil), I chose to have a high risk pregnancy, I chose to have pelvic griddle pain in pregnancy which almost left me disabled, and I chose to send our son who has ASD to a specialist school that has no aftershool club. I didn't say much about that either, but I asked him if he has any idea on how much we would be left with if we paid for childcare for the baby and breakfast clubs while I worked, because maybe he thinks I chose to hide those facts from him. He didn't know. He probably think I enjoy being at home with no adult interaction. It hurts so much to be seen in that way, but I actually choose to not give him any power over me. In September I will increase my working hours, because I cannot rely on that man again, that became clear to me this week. It is not even like he supported me in the past. I thought we are a team, and I thought we decided that I wouldn't work for the foreseeable future.
Anyway, I'll end with a positive. The night after our chat, I was so hurt that I was ready to give him an ultimatum. Ready to ask him to move to the spare room after his parents left. BUT, in the morning I had another teaching observation and then spent some time with my tutor. And a little miracle happened, I found some more strength and decided that I can put up with his antics as long as I ignore what he says. So, I'm going with the "believe nothing they say, and half of what they do" advice. I don't think he meant to hurt me. I shouldn't dwell on it.
MIL is amazing, we have become such good friends, she shares so much with me that I feel blessed to have her support. And I'm becoming closer to my tutor too. I think having strong, mature women in my life motivates me and makes me feel stronger.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, don't put any stock in what he said about you not working.
I got a similar message in the beginning. Prior to BD, I told him I had too much on my plate (and I did) and needed to off-load some of it because I was burning out. He agreed at the time and we discussed how to make that happen by reassigning some of my tasks at the office, etc.
After BD, my desire to lighten the load became "you wanted to quit the business." It didn't matter how many times I tried to point out that was never the case and he knew it, he insisted he was right and I wanted to walk away from the company.
Chalk that stuff up to MLC talk and forget it. He knows the reality of the sitch. He's just looking for excuses and justification. You did exactly the right thing by leaving the duct tape in place and not taking his bait.
As for your "friend," it boggles my mind when so-called "friends" feel perfectly free to dish out every little thing you've ever told them without a thought as to how it will affect you or your situation. So low class! Do you know which "friend" it was? You certainly want to steer clear of her/him!
I'm so glad you're enjoying spending time with your MIL. She sounds like a wise and very pleasant lady.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
You did exactly the right thing by leaving the duct tape in place and not taking his bait.
I need to order duct tape in wholesale quantities, I think I will be needing a lot more of it in future.
I'm not sure if I can ignore what he said, but I will not give him the pleasure of discussing it further. It is such a strange time, I don't understand him at all. I try to be as supportive as possible, but also I have decided that I cannot (and will not) rely on him financially ever again. The last two years are the first time (in our 16 year relationship) that I was not financially independent, and look what happened. I know it is highly unlikely that his MLC was caused directly by my underemployment, but it gave him ammunition and the upper hand.
Originally Posted By: 2Times2Many
Do you know which "friend" it was? You certainly want to steer clear of her/him!
I wish I knew who it was, all I know is that it must be someone very close to me as the details they knew were very specific. I did not acknowledge the issue at all, for all he knows I haven't worked out his little hints. I also refuse to investigate who the "friend" in question is. I hope it will all come out one day, until then I will just play dumb. I discussed this with my sister today, and she suggested that I make sure I let all my friends know how well things are working out with H, as this will be the biggest punishment for my "friend" that did her best to destroy my relationship. I'm usually a very private person, but I see her point and will make sure to follow her advice.
Originally Posted By: 2Times2Many
I'm so glad you're enjoying spending time with your MIL. She sounds like a wise and very pleasant lady.
You know what, she really is! And funnily enough MIL and I are becoming pretty good friends!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
