Esame, It sounds like you are mentally getting yourself into a good place. It takes time (I'm not there yet), but you are off to a good start.
Ciluzen thank you for your reply. To be honest I don't feel like I'm in a good place, but I feel less angry than yesterday and hopeful that maybe I can remain sane while this crisis unfolds.
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
I don't remember if you mentioned it, but if you don't mind, what is your age? You see, I too am going back to school. It is important that I do as my job right now pays very little. This, plus all of the life changes, has me a little...overwhelmed?
I'm nearly 39, and extremely overwhelmed too! I managed to complete my assignments last year but I have some observations outstanding (I'm training to become a teacher) which stopped me from graduating in time. It is important that I get on with my work over the next few weeks though, because I am running out of time and my university will not allow me to take another year for the same observations..
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
My H has been trying so hard to act nice, be a "friend", be helpful, but all only when he wants to and on his terms. It makes me miss him more because I can't fully detach. Just when I think I have, he pops back in as Mr. Nice Guy, or Mr. I Need You. So I get the wishing he'd leave part. Just make up your mind! Otherwise its just torture.
That's exactly what it is, torture! And I genuinely believe that he thinks he IS being the nice guy. It actually hurts more when he is being like that because then I feel that I shouldn't be feeling hurt, and it makes me feel guilty. I was planning to speak to him (obviously when things with MIL improved) but now I'm thinking that I can give him more time, see what happens,
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Trying to catch up with university work today, just had a very positive call from my tutor and I'm keeping busy.
I had an idea whilst reading the "180s that work thread". it might be crazy, and I might not be able to pull it through, BUT could initiating sex be an appropriate 180 for me to try? Sorry if too much information, but we have not been intimate for a few months (for the first time in our 16 years together. He used to always initiate, could it be that he is actually waiting for me to take the first step? I might be wrong, I don't know. Is that even a 180? I would love some feedback as it is such a scary thought for me, especially now after all this time.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I would start out w/a touch on the arm and work up to being intimate. If he flinches or takes your hand away, then you'll know he's not ready. Also, keep in mind, this could look like pursuit and that you are wanting a recommitment to the marriage, but again, that's just my opinion.
If you decide to become intimate, use protection. You do not know who he's been with.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Can it still be perceived as me wanting recommitment even though we have agreed that we are staying together and to try to work things out? It is so confusing this reconciliation business, especially when I feel so distant from him.
I was saddened at the thought of needing protection, and then even more saddened when I realised that I could no longer believe with certainty that he has been faithful, even though he claims he has been. He claims that he has spoken with a woman but not being physical. I want to believe him, but we know that words don't mean much in these situations 🙁
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
If you can remain a friend and not come to expect him to recommit, it might work for a while. But, I can assure you, you will get tired of the "lack" of commitment and will push for more. Can you live w/just having a roll in the hay? Will he respect you more by doing this? These are questions that you need to ask yourself.
I don't call this reconciliation, I call this an attempt to get him to wake up and smell the roses. MLC doesn't work that way. Use protection...it's better to be safe than sorry.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really don't know job, I feel like I don't know him at all. Then again, probably I don't actually know this person any more, he is definitely not the man I fell in love with. That man would not hurt me, and he used to make me feel loved and secure. At the moment at don't see this new H of mine will ever make me feel the same. It is so hard to compromise, I don't have any answers. Thank you so much for your honesty, and for offering a different perspective.
When I first joined the forum I was not sure if it was a MLC or an emotional affair, or somethings else. Now I am almost 99% certain that it is a MLC and I suspect some sort of an emotional (I hope) affair as well. I find it so bizarre that I have accepted (and maybe even forgiven) the affair, but I think I'm so gobsmacked with the personality transplant he has gone through that in comparison the affair seems the least of our troubles. Obviously I might be in denial, and it might bother me a lot in the future.
I wish I could get him to wake up and scream the roses. I want to scream at him, to say "Look what you are doing to us" but I feel that it would be of no use at all. Since the original "talks" we had, and since reading Michele's work and with the advice here, I have managed to keep my thoughts to myself (most of the time). I have also stopped initiating relationship conversations which is so hard for me to do at the moment. I still don't understand him though. Still, I want to be supportive, I want us both to be happy. Even if it wasn't for MIL being diagnosed in the middle of this I would probably not have done anything to hurt him, I still love him too much. It is just so hard and I worry that I am building a wall to protect me that will not allow him to get through to me even if he tried. I don't know, maybe he is trying and I'm not seeing it. He has been pleasant and sweet but I find it fake and patronising. I don't know if he is fake and patronising though, it might be my mindset that is the problem and not him.
Sorry for the rambling post, it is all so confusing...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Not much to report today. Had a good day at university, got one observation out of the way so that is now the third (5 to go). I doubt they will be arranged in time for graduating in Juky, but as long as I keep on top of my work I am guaranteed to graduate in December. That is my last chance though (the course stops exciting after that, so I can not get qualified). I spoke with my tutor yesterday on the phone and she is supporting me to continue with further study after this course, which is my dream. It feels like I have hit rock bottom in a way, but as long as I don't drown now, there is a good chance that by this time next year I can have my (academic and professional) life back on track, and be achieving something really good.
Tomorrow we are getting MIL's biopsy results. I am praying for her, I hope the news are good. H is still with them fortunately, he has been really supportive and helped his mum and dad a lot. I think being away was good for him too, he seems a little more like his old self.
I got a new exercise DVD, all I need now is the motivation to crack on with it... Wish me luck!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
So angry with myself today! Just spoke with H (he called) and stupidly asked what's he doing today (to make conversation) and he said he was visiting a friend that just had a baby, or maybe another friend, and then Insaud "why don't you" and then I paused because I didn't know what to say really, and he jokingly said "don't tell me what to do". Now I usually enjoy jokes, but this was like a slap in the face. I managed to fight the temptation to text him back saying that I was just making conversation, I couldn't care less about what you do in your free time, BUT I'm now stewing in anger on my mistake (and the fact that we cannot even hold a simple conversation without me being hurt). This was entirely self inflicted too, I should have simply kept my distance.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
After the earlier call with H I'm still upset. Why is staying so hard. I feel like I'm doing something totally against my instincts, I feel like a hypocrite trying to save a relationship that I want out of. And what annoys me the most is that not only I have to convince myself to stay, I cannot even admit it to him that I am actually doing him a favour. I have to appear happy (and in my eyes submissive), when all I want is to scream at him, take my kids, and go. But my kids wil not benefit from this. And I'm rumbling again. My head is all over the the place again. I think I probably need help, but MIL was my rock in this and no way am I going to even bring anything up to her while her health is suffering. I pretend that everything is ok when we talk, because she needs me more than I need her now.
I think I have to stop talking to him for anything not related to the kids. We spoke a bit more than usual over the last few days, as he was giving me updates on MIL's health etc, but MIL is well enough for me to speak directly to her now. Or I might start being honest, and start texting him every horrible (honest) thought that comes to my head, see how that goes.
I don't know anything any more. MIL and FIL will come to stay with us for a week a few days after H returns, I want everything to be nice for the, when they are here. But after they go I'm not sure what I will do and how I will proceed. I thought I could do it, but it is taking a toll in my mental health. It is a little easier while he is away, but still I don't know how long I can do this for. I think I'm just tired. I don't want to be strong any more, I don't know if I have the energy to to do this alone.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Ok, no point in self pity. Will spend today working on my action plan, and will try to book some counselling ASAP. I was thinking that maybe I'm blowing things out off proportion, I thought he was better the last few days, so why do I let a joke affect me so much? I give him too much power over me, that needs to stop. Re-reading Michele's books too, and trying to work on myself.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
