I'm keeping your MIL in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing her a speedy recovery from the surgery.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She is doing really well, having a good recovery so far. Hopefully she will be discharged today, so she will be much happier as soon as she is at home. MIL and FIL had ongoing marital problem, but they she stayed with him even though she always made it it sound like she was somehow shortchanged in the whole process. The other day she told me she is happy with all the support he is giving and with everything he is doing for her. They are very different people,must I was happy that she recognised him even so late in their marriage.
MIL even suggested a few weeks ago that the issues H is having could be stemming from his childhood. She thinks all the fighting and hate must have affected him. Of course I told her that they did their best as parents, but down deep inside I agree that this must have been a factor too.
Life is easier with H away, but I'm somehow having one of my "why am I staying in this [censored], I should walk out" crises. I used to get these weekly or so before discovering this forum and Michele's books, but I was doing better. The last week has been so hard in every other aspect though (MIL's health, work, money, university) and I feel so lonely that I wonder how long I can last like this. I love my children so much but how can I stay in this limbo forever? I wish he left and then I could move on. I wish I kicked him out so I moved on. I wish he stopped patronising me so we could really try. I don't know who this person is, but he is hurting me like no one ever before, and I don't know how much of it I can take. I want to move on.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame - that is very big of your MIL to see the repercussions of all that fighting on your h. I don't think most parents of MLCers can admit openly to their hand in this mess. And it was not a factor, but the root of all this. Those are formative years for a child in so, so many ways. Those years would have left lots and lots of unresolved issues.
Of course it is normal to question why we are standing through this. Sometimes we forget who our old spouse was. May I suggest that you increase exercise? It really helps calm the mind and fatigue the body. It can be anything: yoga, walking, running, taking up a new sport, etc.
Also, what things are you doing just for you? It can be anything at all. But that's where you start.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It is hard to go through But this is an important time for the LBS to adjust and go through the grief work in order to really let go we learn to stand on our own and our kids see it If you read the posters on here you will notice that almost all the LBS turn out better than before whether or not the MLCer returns Hang in I use to wake up at night scared not knowing if I could do it on my own and I learned to tell myself It is OK you are doing it already..it seemed to help Ha who also has a great point..exercise is a great stress reliever good self care is so important right now good nutrition, enough rest and sleep, therapy, meditation or spiritual practices support from other woman, 12 step groups act
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Esame - that is very big of your MIL to see the repercussions of all that fighting on your h. I don't think most parents of MLCers can admit openly to their hand in this mess. And it was not a factor, but the root of all this. Those are formative years for a child in so, so many ways. Those years would have left lots and lots of unresolved issues.
She really is amazing about it! She used to speak about how guilty she felt about it for a long time, but of course back then H was a balanced person so I used to admire how well he cope with it.
Originally Posted By: HaWho
Of course it is normal to question why we are standing through this. Sometimes we forget who our old spouse was. May I suggest that you increase exercise? It really helps calm the mind and fatigue the body. It can be anything: yoga, walking, running, taking up a new sport, etc.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to allow this to continue I'm afraid. I cry myself to sleep and just wish I could move on. I know that calling it a day will not be easier, but at least then I will be able to grieve properly. I cannot explain it, I feel that this "reconciliation" is an absolute sham, and that if my husband is so revolted by me that he does not want to be intimate, how can I want him back? I shouldn't let my pride get in the way, I know that but the situation is horrible. While I love him he has power over me and hurts me even more.
Originally Posted By: HaWho
Also, what things are you doing just for you? It can be anything at all. But that's where you start.
I'm reconnecting with friends and getting the house organised, which helped me mentally. I need to concentrate on my university work too, so that should be my next priority. And when he comes back I will start an exercise class at a nearby gym.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Peacetoday Thank you for the advice, especially the 12 steps suggestion. I'm waiting to start IC, but maybe a group will be useful too. Also, I think the problem in my case is not that I worry that I will not be ok without him, it is that I worry that I will go mad if I stay with him. Obviously I worry about the kids, and that's what makes it so bad, I feel trapped. I wrote a letter yesterday and it is different than the first few that I wrote when this mess started. I address them to H but they are not really meant for him. Well I was thinking that maybe this one is. Maybe in a few weeks if there is no improvement I will give it to him.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Had a lovely lunch with my friends and the kids, and spent some time listening to an audiobook whilst tidying up. I found this book calmed me down a little as it brings a Christian perspective into being kinder to my husband (even if he doesn't always deserve it). I found some strength in this, and gave me a reason to continue. Weird isn't it? Where we can find hope.
I'm mentally working on an "action plan" for myself, I'll post it later.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I'm glad you had a lovely lunch w/friends and your children. You sound so much better today. Hope is always around and it has a way of poking its head out when you least expect it.
BTW, how is your MIL doing?
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It sounds like you are mentally getting yourself into a good place. It takes time (I'm not there yet), but you are off to a good start.
I don't remember if you mentioned it, but if you don't mind, what is your age? You see, I too am going back to school. It is important that I do as my job right now pays very little. This, plus all of the life changes, has me a little...overwhelmed?
You're thoughts here, have been my own (minus the part about the kids...mine are mostly grown):
"The last week has been so hard in every other aspect though (MIL's health, work, money, university) and I feel so lonely that I wonder how long I can last like this. I love my children so much but how can I stay in this limbo forever? I wish he left and then I could move on. I wish I kicked him out so I moved on. I wish he stopped patronising me so we could really try. I don't know who this person is, but he is hurting me like no one ever before, and I don't know how much of it I can take. I want to move on."
My H has been trying so hard to act nice, be a "friend", be helpful, but all only when he wants to and on his terms. It makes me miss him more because I can't fully detach. Just when I think I have, he pops back in as Mr. Nice Guy, or Mr. I Need You. So I get the wishing he'd leave part. Just make up your mind! Otherwise its just torture.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm glad you had a lovely lunch w/friends and your children. You sound so much better today. Hope is always around and it has a way of poking its head out when you least expect it.
BTW, how is your MIL doing?
Take care of yourself.
MIL is doing great! Thank you for asking. We are so relieved and hopeful, it seems like it there is a good chance it is category 1 but we will know more on Wednesday. My only concern is that she is doing too much already, she is housework obsessed and struggles to give control to FIL and my husband. I hope she doesn't overdo it, other than that I have every faith in her.
I was surprised with the audiobook for two reasons. Firstly because it doesn't say anything the DB book has not covered already. If anything it is nowhere near as good. But mainly because it helped me reflect on my relationship with my faith. I am Christian but a little estranged from my church, as it was too strict in a way which I thought did not reflect what Christianity stands for. However I used to tell myself that I believe in God and that I loved Jesus and what he represents. But then through this latest book I discovered that I have not applied in my marriage what I (thought) I believed in. I feel that I need to re-visit my beliefs, and maybe even look for a new church.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
