Esame, I'm so sorry to hear the news about your MIL. She's got a huge battle on her hands and she needs all of the love and support of her family and friends right now.
I might be wrong to say this, the focus needs to be on her and your h needs to put his entire focus there. You will get your opportunity to speak w/your h in a bit...but remember, the more you try to reason w/him, the harder and faster he's going to pull away and yes, that much more determined to move forward w/a possible divorce. The less you say to him about the relationship, the better.
The only topics of conversation that I would have w/him are about his mother and father and how they are holding up and any financial issues that you have. Keep the topics on safe subjects.
Please take care of yourself. Your support and love means a great deal to your MIL and she's going to need you in the days ahead.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your reply job, I totally agree with your advice. My MIL is the absolute priority now, I only worry that with our relationship being so rocky something so big could break us. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I even though I have not spoken with my H for the relationship at all, I was really tempted to do so. As Cadet said in another post of mine, I'm a "fixer" and I find it hard not to try to make everything right.
In all fairness he has been good to me and the kids lately, and I guess if I was not so worried about the lack of intimacy I could reassure myself a bit more. I just need to re-read all the posts and try to get my head straight so I can finish the books. Also I need to keep reminding myself that after the first few weeks of the issues surfacing he agreed that divorce was not what he wanted, just a little space.
We agreed that depending on MIL's treatment plan and the kids' schools I will visit her and I will spend time with her, which I am happy about. Other than that, all I can do is call her and try to be as supportive as possible. I even lied to her about my relationship with H, I said all is good, things are all rosy among us.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
H cooked for us yesterday, and we had as lovely an afternoon as one can expect with the shadow of MIL's illness over us. We haven't told the kids yet, I have absolutely no clue on how to approach it. She is seeing the oncologist today, so we should have some more information soon.
I have made no progress with my reading - anything not MIL related feels superficial at the moment. I have a meeting at my university on Wednesday to discuss how I can complete my work as soon as possible so that I can be with MIL whenever she needs me.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Fed up tonight and I don't even know why. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, I'm tired of watching every word I say, I'm tired of pretending I'm ok when all I want to do is curl in a ball and cry for days. I'm tired of doing things that are against my instincts and I worst of all, I feel so guilty for feeling tired.
This really [censored], it really, really [censored]...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
It's okay to curl up in a ball and cry. You are human and you've got a lot of pent up anger, hurt and frustration going on. Get a pillow and beat the stuffings out of it. Take a long walk, get in the car and drive somewhere and scream until you can't scream any longer. Do you have a flower bed? If so, get out there and pull those weeds. Take that frustration and apply it to something you've dreaded doing. Each and every time you recover from this type of situation, you'll become stronger and stronger. Feel those feels, allow them to wash over you and then release them. It's okay!
Again, you are only human and we can only shoulder so much and then we have to blow that steam off. Come here to vent. It's a safe place to do so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much for this job, such a insightful reply.
I didn't think it was ok to feel that way, I just felt guilty (and selfish), but today is a new day. H was quite nice about it, asked what is wrong but I didn't want to engage in a chat about us or our relationship so I said that "I was just feeling moody, I'd be ok tomorrow". He was on his way to bed and initially he went up, but then he returned and hugged me which was sweet. And clearly I'm a sucker for the crumbs of affection he gives at the moment.
I'm in work today and I have a long drive there, so I can have some "me time" (with three kids and a MLCer my "me time" is still very limited) so looking forward to that. And then H is going to his mum to be with her for the operation tomorrow night, and he will stay for 11 days. I'm so happy he will be there with here, and secretly looking forward to having the house to myself and the kids.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Another hard night yesterday, I was angry again, and snapped at H a couple of times, he didn't reply or anything but asked me if I'm OK a few minutes later. I said that there is no reason for me to keep repeating myself, and that he made his decisions about our relationship's dynamics and that I'm just doing as he wants but I don't have to be happy about it. Later watched a movie and then he went to bed. Unfortunately afterwards H heard me crying and came down and hugged me. I felt guilty for feeling better about it, but I'm struggling so much at the moment that I needed that hug.
I was so hurt and angry, I'm so glad I feel a bit more "sane" today. let's hope it lasts.. I hate the roller coaster. I need to find a way of feeling more empowered. I know I'm doing things for the kids sake, not because it is what he wants. But down deep inside I get so angry that he benefits from this arrangement. I'm trying to understand what he is going through, and I'm trying to be forgiving. It is a little hard though when someone you love hurts you so much, isn't it?
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
MIL had her operation today, the results are not as good as the doctor expected but we are going to have to wait for a week for the biopsy. H is ok, I think he is coping amazingly well. He has been texting me regular updates, letting me know what's happening at every stage. I'm grateful for his behaviour today, he couldn't do anything more tbh.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
