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#2669631 04/18/16 01:13 AM
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Esame Offline OP
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I think my husband is going through a MLC. He admits he "is going through something, maybe a MLC" and he is acting totally out of character. Here is a link to my original thread, for more info:

first thred

At first it started with him becoming distant, going to the gym loads, then came the lies, accusations and loss of intimacy. I took it really badly, I never thought we would have those kind of problems, not sure if I was naive or arrogant or both. I also suspect that maybe there is an emotional affair of some kind, possibly even a PA.

Since finding this wonderful site and reading more of the articles and posts I changed my mindset and I am not as angry with him any longer, I realised that he is not doing any of this on purpose so I should be more accepting and forgiving. But it is so hard, I suffer from mental health issues myself, have no family network in the country, and I have slowly alienated myself from friends.

My husband's MLC brought to the surface loads of our real issues, like lack of communication, but also he is bombarding me with "issues" that are nothing more than everyday reality.Even though I can cope with most of those little insults, sometimes I struggle.

Since when this whole mess started I've been on a roller coaster, some days feeling optimistic, some days feeling angry and occasionally feeling trapped - like I'm only staying for the sake of the kids. Generally speaking I think in a more positive light now (thanks to all the wonderful advice here). I am very insecure about myself though, and in a way this made things a million times worse. Especially since we stopped being intimate I feel rejected, and this is one of the areas that I struggle the most with. I don't know how to approach it. I have been trying to give him space, being supportive, detach and get on with my life. We did discuss the issue a few weeks ago, and according to him it was the only thing that brought us close as a couple, and he wanted us to communicate in different ways. I disagreed but it is not like I can force him is it? not without feeling even worse about it (like he is doing me a favour or something).

Over the last few days he has been more affectionate, more hugs and kisses, but I'm not sure if it is in a sexual way or just affectionate. or if it matters what it is. Or if I should be encouraging it. We had a brief chat over breakfast, where he asked me if I'm ok (I have not initiated any relationship talks lately) and to promise him that I would tell him if anything bothered me. obviously I said that I was ok, I', trying to appear like I'm GAL and be a more positive person to be around. Actually I am GAL thanks to this, so in a way there is a possibility that through all this pain and agony one day we can be stronger and happier.

Sorry for the long post, I used to keep a collection of letters that I wrote for him as a method to vent but I find the process makes ma angry, and I don't want to be angry with him. He is (used to be?) an amazing person, I think he deserves to be happy, and even though he went completely the wrong way about reaching out, I do love him.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Esame Offline OP
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Thank you so much for your reply and all the useful information Cadet!

My books have arrived and I have A LOT of reading to do.

Unfortunately we had some terrible news yesterday, my mother in law was just diagnosed with ovarian cancel, and we are both socked. I want to help and support him, but it is so hard to know what he needs. I wish I knew how to help, I wish I could make it all better.

I wish none of this ever happened.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Originally Posted By: Esame
I wish I knew how to help, I wish I could make it all better.

Most of us FIXERS think this.

Best way to make it better is to take a step backwards and not try to FIX it.


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Esame Offline OP
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You are absolutely right Cadet. Once again I wanted to help, without even considering that it might not be what he actually needs or wants.

Over the last few weeks I've neglected my studies and I need to get back to it as soon as possible or I will not graduate in July. My head is all over the place, I really need a plan of action! As well as "Divorce Busting" I got Michele's "Fire your shrink" book, as I think I need so much help in many areas. My procrastination is legendary and one of the things that bother my husband the most.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Posts: 461
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Esame Offline OP
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This extract from the MLC Signs really hit home.

Depression sign #17: MOST ML'ERS ARE ABUSIVE

This is one of the most serious signs of depression - abuse.
Here I will focus on emotional abuse rather than physical abuse because I feel it is more prevalent in the ML'ers journey.

Emotional abuse can be divided into various categories:

A. Withholding: By withholding love, affection, accolades, sex, children, communication, etc.. the Ml'er is saying I have something you want and I can withhold it from you. The Ml'er can take this even a step further by withholding love and affection from you and then giving it to someone else.

B. Discounting: By discounting the LBS' perceptions, the Ml'er is saying I can point out your uselessness.

C. Accusing and blaming: By blaming the LBS, the Ml'er is saying the LBS is to blame for their pain no matter what they do to you so they don't have to stop or be accountable.

D. Judging and criticizing: By judging the LBS, the Ml'er is saying to the LBS that when I tell you that something is wrong with your thoughts and actions, I put myself in charge of you.

E. Threatening: This a way for the ML'er to have control over the LBS to imply that they will take away something valuable to them, such as family life, financial stability, home, etc....

F. Name Calling: By calling names, the Ml'er is saying to the LBS that they are worthless and don't exist.

G. Denial: By denying what they are doing to you, the Ml'er can keep everything like it is and not take any responsibility for their behavior.

H. Abusive anger: By being extremely angry and raging, the Ml'er is saying as long as I am scary I can have my way.


If someone told me a couple of months ago that my husband would be doing any of those I would not believe them. How things chance... We can "tick off" almost half of the list, and yet he claims (believes) that he doesn't want to hurt me


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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describes my H to a T. I have his vday card from a month before he dropped the bomb..It shocks me...all lovey dovey..them boom a month later. This mlc is just madness.

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This^^ (meaning MLC signs, Esame's H not wanting to "hurt" her, and tfish's Vday card ). Got all that, too. I can check off A,B,C,D most times and have seen E,G,and H pop up. Right now by being cheerful, helpful, and understanding (and encouraging him to talk when he starts to bring up hopes or fears)and by not really getting into big R talks, I'm just getting a lot of "I'm sorry".


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Esame Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: tfish08
describes my H to a T. I have his vday card from a month before he dropped the bomb..It shocks me...all lovey dovey..them boom a month later. This mlc is just madness.


Total madness, you are right! We had a lovely Christmas with his family, and I was really happy, and then within a few weeks he was distant and hating everything I do.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Posts: 461
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Esame Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: ciluzen
This^^ (meaning MLC signs, Esame's H not wanting to "hurt" her, and tfish's Vday card ). Got all that, too. I can check off A,B,C,D most times and have seen E,G,and H pop up. Right now by being cheerful, helpful, and understanding (and encouraging him to talk when he starts to bring up hopes or fears)and by not really getting into big R talks, I'm just getting a lot of "I'm sorry".


That is progress though, isn't it? I don't see my husband offering any apologies any time soon!


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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