Have followed instructions I think but not sure I've linked correctly.
Thank you all for your support.mi wish I could stop dwelling and feeling bad.
H was unhappy with me....I made him unhappy that's that. So he found someone else who made him happy . Makes me feel sick but maybe I should just accept that I am nothing to him now.
Ummmm......no, you don't have that power over him.
What happened is HE got depressed and unhappy, looked around for a quick fix, fell for the temptation of an affair which gave him a high that TEMPORARILY relieved his depression symptoms, lied to you about it and blamed you.
You did not cause him to have an affair. Many if not most of us here have loving cards and letters from our Hs right up to the moment they started their affairs.
Could you be improved? Sure, we all could. This is a great opportunity to step outside your comfort zone and grow (read Ciluzen's last post). But you didn't cause him to have a crisis and an affair, and you can't fix him. What you can control is being the best YOU that you can be, and making a fabulous life for yourself and your kids. He'll recover or he won't; you may be willing to take him back in the future or you may not. But right now, he's been taken by aliens and replaced with a pod person, so go about finding happiness and joy and new horizons for you and your kids.
Why do I have so much trouble believing that. He must've been very unhappy with me to walk out on his kids and find ow a better option.
I am so down on myself. I know . I can't snap out of it. At work I put on this great act ( I'm a teacher) and in front of the kids but at home , especially when I am at home on my own ( which I am this weekend) I just feel so crappy.
Just keep thinking of all the things I maybe should've done.
After 20 years together what did I do or not do that made him this unhappy to do this to me and our kids. What gets me is everything we have been through together and when it comes to it ow makes him unhappy and his history with me doesn't.
Mia i am sorry you are going through this. you need to stop blaming yourself. yes we all had issues but so did they. He cut and ran that speaks volumes about him not you.
If you have read my thread you can see that I'm in a complete meltdown at the moment. My IC just told me that our H are adults, so they know right from wrong and they made the decision to cheat on us. It's not your fault and I know how hard it is not to believe me. We also might have been unhappy in our marriage but we never cheated, so as you can see it a choice we never made.
I don't what to say to help you but know that you aren't on your own.
He must've been very unhappy with me to walk out on his kids and find ow a better option.
No - he must have been very UNHAPPY. Period. End of sentence. Not due to you but to depression. And a rational person who feels his marriage is failing goes to counseling and works on it with his spouse and works on becoming a better spouse himself. (I have a childhood friend whose wife of 25+ years has terrible OCD, treats him badly, is quite difficult. he's gone to counseling with her, but she's not receptive. He's a pilot and could easily have affairs. He's committed to the marriage though and keeps working on his side of it. )
Your H, like mine and others, took the easy way out - have an affair, feel temporarily better from the brain chemicals of infatuation, THEN decides he must not be "in love" with you, and blames you.
It's not your fault he got depressed and it's not a comment on your worth that he had an affair. (BTW, EVERY guy that I have dated since my divorce has thought my ex was NUTS for leaving me! )
Interestingly enough, you almost never see a spouse here leave for someone objectively "Better". Some leave for money. Some leave for younger if they're panicked about their own aging. Most seem to "affair down" with someone who is "lesser than" and sees them as the "big man" instead of an equal. Often the OP turns out to be a whackadoodle or an addict.I can hardly remember a case where a guy left for a Christie-Brinkley-rocket-scientist.
And just for the records, I met a number of DBers in person in the past and they were an absolutely normal, attractive, interesting group of people. Not a lame reject in the bunch. So believe me when I say, while we all can and should improve, THIS WAS NOT ABOUT YOU. And if you H says it was, it's because he has to find some way to justify his actions to himself.
What KML said. He could not find happiness within himself and it's easier to blame it on others. My ex gave me the same BS. Yeah, he married his A partner, and he "affaired down" so he could feel like the man.
For YEARS I figured it was me, I was unworthy, I was a bad wife, but you know what? I wasn't. I improved me for me, gained back some of my self respect and confidence he destroyed. I can find happiness within now, and he can only find happiness from external sources, and he continues to blame them when he isn't happy.
I have also met a bunch of DB'ers in person, some are very close friends now and we spend time together, my kid has met them I am friends with their friends too, and like KML said, very down to earth, attractive, successful, head on straight loving people. Who were cheated on and blamed for it. Anyone who would leave these people were not happy with themselves.
I know it is an instinct to take this on as you making him unhappy, but please don't.
And Mia? Figure out what it is in your childhood that would cause you to accept his claim that you made him unhappy. Usually there is some childhood abandonment or abuse or other issue that we have been replaying with our partner. Figuring this out and healing it is key to making better choices in partners in the future.
Hi, well I brought up the photos on the cloud and the jerk looked pathetic and said oh sorry didn't think you'd go on there!! The man hasn't thought about anything for months.
My childhood, well. I was ostracised quite a lot of t as a child at school. Had a difficult time at school. Was bullied quite a lot and was very self conscious.
When I met my h and we got together it made me feel that I was worth it. I know that sounds pathetic but it's true. I couldn't believe that this good looking man could fall in love with me. H knew about my childhood so for him to say I don't love you anymore and do what he's done...he knows in his heart of hearts how much it would devastate my self esteem.
Hi Mia, I've been following your thread and I since you've been bringing up the cloud I thought I'd share this in case you didn't already know (I just found out) but if you aren't in private browsing on safari or have your settings adjusted your open tabs will show up in your cloud account.
Don't keep blaming yourself for your husbands actions, they are his to own not yours. I did this for a long time with my w before I woke up. I spent months blaming myself. I'm a shy self-conscious person and ironically through my sitch I'm now less self-conscious than I've ever been. If you've owned up and worked on any legitimate faults you may have or had and he won't work with you it's obviously his problem. I know how bad this hurts but take care of yourself and listen to the advice you've been given.
Well I don't shout at him anymore lol. I was as nice as pie about the photos yesterday.
With regards to my faults I probably didn't give him enough attention/intimacy but can't work on that if he is with ow. I did try when he was here and started all this
Mia, I understand exactly what you are feeling. I found pics on my H's phone after he moved back of my then 2yr old daughter cuddling on OW lap & H had sent the pic to OW with the caption 'my princess & my queen'.
You have read a lot of what happened to me. It was horrible, but two years later and a LOT more heartbreak my H has finally sought professional help for sexual addiction and has opened up to me about what was going through his head. My H is truly addicted to the high he gets from a new relationship. He treated me like crap & said horrible things about me because he said he had to have a reason to walk away from me. He had to justify what he was doing. He has told me that he sees me as a much stronger, better person than he is and that scared him. He tells me all the time that he doesn't deserve me. He also told me that he knows I'm a million times better than any of the women he cheated with. He was just so "high" he couldn't see their flaws. He LIVED with a woman for 3 months and was so 'high' couldn't see her crazy.... he reflects on that time now and can't believe he was so blind. Even little things like OW cooking, she only made kid friendly foods like mac & cheese, sloppy joe, lasagna.... never once cooked a veggie to go with it. I serve multiple veggies at every meal & a typical dinner might be spaghetti squash with shrimp, red peppers, tomato chunks and spinach pesto. OW would serve pop tarts for breakfast where as I have chia seeds with almond milk, bananas & PB2 in individual cups ready for the kids.
What I'm trying to tell you is that I would place a LARGE bet that you are better than OW in EVERY way possible. He is drunk, high, out of his mind. You can't 'sober him up'. The drugs of a new relationship have to wear off on their own.
Fake it until you make it.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Just seen another fun packed weekend at dads . Surely he can't keep this up. If he'd done a half the stuff when he was here with the kids maybe he wouldn't have got himself in such a rut.
I am so angry this morning. That idiot has destroyed our family. No more family holidays, no more family days out...for what..because he was unhappy for a coule of months. So what.....his ow makes up for all the family stuff we can't do now?
I can not fathom how he could do this. My lovely kids have to miss out on their family unit because he developed 'strong emotional feelings' for that skank. Unbelievable
Hi Mia, sorry you're having a rough morning ((((hugs))))
It's just a thought, but it may help you to read the Men in Midlife Crisis book by Jim Conway. Written about his own MLC and what he has learned since in supporting others going through MLC. If you are feeling like you can't fathom out why your H would do this, further reading may help.
For example, Conway explains the 'intense pain and confusion' 'self doubt.....despair...and darkness' MLCers feel.
He describes that many guys 'grin and bear it' - pushing down their feelings (because 'they are not supposed to cry, feel pain and hurt.') They try and 'tough it out' and he describes this silence as tragic.
However, the feelings grow to a point that the MLC feels compelled to do something. He says 'sadly, men run away rather than face their problems and seek help.' In MLC, the running sadly often involves an OW (who is normally an 'affair down' - because who among us would be drawn/get involved with a guy 17 years our senior (in my sitch) who is M and flirting with them.
However, once the A begins, it does need to run it's course. And while it is doing just that - is your opportunity to learn, grow and heal from all that is happening. Understanding that it's not all rainbows at his end (or may be for now, but won't be for long) may help you. And if you can also develop compassion for what he is experiencing, that may give you the best chance of saving your R in the longer term if that's what you want.
I'm not defending his actions in any way. I don't agree that he made constructive decisions at all - only that he is treading a path that many (otherwise generally good) men have trodden.
I thought KML asked an interesting question above - about how our past impacts on how we deal with and process what is happening for us. Did that bring any insight for you at all?
It's a lovely morning here & I hope you manage to get out and have the best day possible - despite what your H may be doing. There is a good life still to be lived yet, and plenty of lovely family days out and holidays to be had - whether your H chooses to be part of that or not.
Take care Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia it's totally natural to feel angry, you didn't deserve this, your family didn't deserve it!
Right now your H is lost, hurting (although it was his decision) and a multitude of other emotions. You are strong, you are there for your children and it takes a strong and special person to get up each day and look after others when you hurt so much.
You need to tell yourself you can do this, you have a good heart he's losing out, not you.
Try the angry letter I mentioned, write down everything you feel, you can swear and say anything you want. Then rip it up it burn it and get rid of it. You will feel better by getting it all out.
Then download Rachel Patten's song 'fight song'. Remind yourself that you are an amazing strong woman, you've brought children in to the world and you can do anything!
Sending lots of (((((hugs)))))
Me: 38 H: 40 (39 @ BD) BD: August 2015 T: 22 years M: 15 years D: 18 years (17 @ BD)
Hi Mia, no Jim Conway never had OW - unusual for a MLCer as many/most do.
I can understand how you must feel about the kids. It's better that he does things than not with them - and at this point he may feel 'the kids are just fine with everything.' It tends to take a while for MLCers to face what they have done (years I think for most as replay lasts for a while.)
There may or may not be hope for your R, but I do think the choice may ultimately become yours. I agree his actions haven't been constructive - however I hope you better understand them having read the Conway book. I don't believe many MLCers are 'bad' people - though the behaviour can be pretty poor for a while.
I'm totally sure things won't ultimately be great at his end. Yes there may be an infatuation high just now - but consequences (for adultery and blowing up your marriage/family) roll in gradually.
However, the main thing is to try and process all of this at your end in as healthy a way as you can manage - release the anger (not at him ideally), read, learn, start to live again, move towards acceptance, grow....
When you look at your M now, and you within it - are there things that you would like to change in yourself moving forward?
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Of course. When I look back yes we should've made more alone time together. I should've initiated intimacy more. But I thought that we were fine as he never said anything.
Now I don't know what to do .
But when I talk to friends in long term marriages they sound the same. So my marriage was no different, in fact in some areas better than some. We talked to each other...obviously he started talking to someone else though.
Life takes hold and being a mum too there's so much to do. It's good that you recognise what you could do and even changes that would benefit you. This is still very new to me too but I've read a lot about validating and if/when H initiates any R talks with you then it seems to be a case of also acknowledging that we as the LBS would also like a more fulfilling R and acknowledging what we could do to help this process.
Mia I really wouldn't focus on the OW too much. I know it's the most hurtful part, I'm in the same sitch too. H is BOUND to be really in to her. He's got the same way of thinking currently as a teenager. It's like that first crush you have as a teen, you think they're the best thing since sliced bread, your heart pounds and your stomach flips at their name let alone the sight of them. H once felt this for you, if he didn't you wouldn't have got married. H doesn't know the OW and she doesn't know him. Whilst I don't believe in pulling people apart I know that I have enough strength of character and values not to get involved in a R with a MM. The OW is likely to be missing something herself, she's looked at the life you and H had and wanted that. You should actually take it as a compliment. What hasn't dawned however and may it will, maybe it won't and who knows how long it'll take, is that the reason you and H had the life you did was because you were part of it. Their R will never be like yours because she's not you.
HB says that the man the OW has now is not your H, your H would not treat people as he is. She has a lesser version of him, one who may be convincing in the show he's putting on to impress her but would you want to be involved with someone going through D who's going to have tears, tantrums and everything inbetween? I know at some point I'd run for the hills!
I'd tell your SIL that you're not interested in hearing about H, the OW or what they're doing. It's only going to consume you and you don't need that weight on your shoulders.
If you are really focused on the OW Google some articles by people who were the OW. I've read a few and the message seems to be it's not all a bed of roses! Xx
Me: 38 H: 40 (39 @ BD) BD: August 2015 T: 22 years M: 15 years D: 18 years (17 @ BD)
Well, I think the fundamental thing to realise is you only get to control one piece of this picture - you - and move forward from there.....how about pretty notebook and some goals as a starting point - all about you....? Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, We all look back and think about the things that we should've, could've, would've, but the bottom line is this...if they don't tell you what is on their minds, we wouldn't have known how they felt. Also, if he was so unhappy w/you and the relationship, he could have left at any time and not at midlife and you most certainly would have known because he would have exhibited displeasure about everything then.
Some MLCers do not take up w/another partner and this is not strange at all. Their "partners" become work, hobbies, their bestie friends, etc. I know of several who didn't take up w/another person, but were quite happy traveling and doing their hobbies for about 4 years and then came out of the rabbit hole more settled and content.
Mia, do not beat yourself up in thinking that you should have known how he felt. They all become dissatisfied and say things or point out the so called flaws of the relationship and us. They are so unhappy w/life and it's the depression talking.
What do you do now? You move forward and work on yourself. Start a GAL list and check them off as you accomplish them. Many people find that blogging is a great way to get things out on paper and can refer back to them as they progress.
Mia, you can do this. Whether he comes back or not...no one can predict the outcome...but if he doesn't come back, he's lost a wonderful woman who is the prize.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mia, I just noticed that you have two threads going. Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. You can always change the subject line in a thread to reflect what is going on at that time. Having two threads going at the same time creates confusion because people do not know which one to post to and also, when you want to go back and refer to a posting, you will have to do a lot of searching of the threads to locate the info.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Mia, I can imagine the weekends without the kids being harder for you. The best plan is to replace that time you spend sitting and thinking about 'him/them etc' with some GAL for yourself.
Whilst unasked for, the weekends do represent some time that you could plan to do some things just for you - no working around soccer practice, bath time, home work etc - maybe some time spent with a girlfriend, family or just indulging yourself. I sometimes used to ask myself - okay, given all circumstances are just as they are....what would joy look like to me this weekend?
I hope you'll be able to plan something nice for yourself next time you don't have the kids, and that you'll come to experience more 'upsides' in this tough situation. It does take time, and I'm not saying any of that is easy - but with gentle and persistent effort and baby steps it can be done.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, Don't apologize...it's an honest "oops" about the threads. You will need to decide which one you are going to keep active and we'll post on that one.
As for the time you have by yourself when the kids are w/him...use it wisely. This is your "me" time to do whatever you need to do, i.e., household stuff or personal stuff that you never get the chance to do. I would think about making some plans for the nice days ahead when you are by yourself. I do understand missing the kids, but it's a time when Mia needs to take care of Mia.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Tbh this weekend I either worked or spent time on the phone to friends. He did say yesterday that he removed the pics of him and ow. I joined a dating site....not for anything serious just a bit of a laugh. Got some lovely compliments which was a bit of an ego boost. .
Just keep posting on this one and let the other thread fade....
What are your plans for this week?
Can you describe yourself to me? Not physically but tell me about you. What you like to do, what you are good at, what you WISH you were good at
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hi Mia, sorry you're up early. I had that for a while too and it does pass. It's good that you have some friends to call at weekends & maybe make some plans with one of your friends for the next time kids are with your H? That way, whilst you'll miss them still - you'll also have nice plans for yourself.
Those are some good questions from Twinmom - I look forward to hearing more about you too - not you in relation to H and your sitch - just you.... :)X
Now then - you mentioned the dating site and I would encourage you to think carefully about what you want here - though of course it's up to you if you choose to date. If in any doubt, Google 'relationships and entanglements' and have a think about the difference between the two, and whether you are in a place where you are ready for another relationship. You say it's for fun, but how far do you intend taking that and do you still hope your M might be saved - maybe not yet but somewhere down the line?
Maybe just some food for thought on that one anyway. I've met too many people who jumped early on into dating, jumped into another R, that didn't work out and they end up dealing with the whole thing later on. I've never yet met anyone who regretted waiting 'too long' before starting to date!
Hope this week is a better one for you Mia xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ok about me. I love to cook. Don't do so much of that now though. I've always wished I could swim...have a massive fear of water after being pushed in a pool when I was a child. I enjoy a glass of white wine. Enjoy chatting to friends.
So, maybe a couple of potential goals there? 2016 could be the year you choose to learn to swim? Most leisure centres offer 1-1 sessions for all ages...
Also, you love to cook but don't do so much of it now...again maybe this is an area you could pursue too?
All of us (to an extent) lose ourselves in our Ms - your H is gone for now - and this does present an opportunity for you to do some things just for you....xx
If you can take the initial baby steps towards that, it does get easier I promise...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
None of us know how our sitches will ultimately turn out. However please try to avoid absolutes like 'forever' as only time will tell.
Yes, he has chosen to leave your M and is with OW. He is however doing stuff with the kids, which is good.
Please try not to get stuck in this train of thought and try to focus on how you can move forward here, given all circumstances. Just remind me, are you seeing an IC at all? If not, you may find it helpful to explore these areas with her...
Things will get better I promise, but please know that this all needs to be about you and the kids as focusing on him will just bring further pain and torment. Try and focus on what you can control.
((((Hugs)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm glad you've been seeing an IC. Have you gained some useful insight from that? I would love to see us all thrive despite current difficult circumstances and I think that starts with deciding to do things for ourselves.
I think anyone posting on this part of the forum has probably experienced some pretty horrible behaviour from their MLC spouse. The important thing to know is that his current poor choices do not diminish you in any way. You are a unique, attractive, bright and loving person, who is 'enough' in her own right and doesn't need someone else to complete her.
I hope we can all find the momentum and the confidence to move forward (whatever our MLC spouses may be up to). That part is all about us and how we can learn, grow and heal through trying times - and I'll be right there cheering along and walking beside on that journey.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm usually not a supporter of meds but have you thought about talking to a Dr? It might help you sleep a little more and get through the really rough times.
Do you like to read? Lose yourself in a book when that feeling hits. Give me a list of things that sound like fun but you've never tried. You like to cook?
Host a dinner party! Invite friends/family, tell them the subject of H is off limits. Then have a great time. You could make dinner a theme with multiple courses and have so much fun. Planning would also help to take your mind off of feeling low.
Do some charity work. This will make you feel appreciated & needed as well as helping others. Could you volunteer at a soup kitchen?
You said you are a teacher? Have you ever thought about helping to coach a sport? Exercise really is a natural mood lifter.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Don't really want mess tbh. When this first started I was on antidepressants and it really affected my eating and weight.im back up to a stable weight now and just want to allow nature take its course.
I think thinking of fun things at mo is hard. Give me time.
Don't really want mess tbh. When this first started I was on antidepressants and it really affected my eating and weight.im back up to a stable weight now and just want to allow nature take its course.
I think thinking of fun things at mo is hard. Give me time.
It is hard to think of fun things but if you're going to come through this stronger you need to take care of yourself. Take some of the suggestions from friends here. Unfortunately everyone here has felt intense pain and sadness. We understand, but at the same time we know just allowing time to pass won't make the pain go away. Feel your pain & then push forward!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Mia, we are here... several months after bomb dropped, h would not leave the job nor end the relationship with OW, I realized the situation is not as simple as I imaged. I could not eat nor sleep... soon I lose weight and my hair turned into grey color, I looked awful. 12 months past, h is still in crisis, but my day/life must go on. I pray for him for myself, ask help from God all the time. Mia, the feeling you're having is normal at this moment. But please do take care of yourself !
The worst thing is I fell apart on the kids yesterday. Haven't done that since Christmas. It was when my eldest said sometimes he had more fun at dad's. Hurt so much. I know that obviously h 'does' things constantly to be Disney day where as I am just everyday.
Both kids hugged me and I felt so bad for them. I think it's the hurt the kids are facing is what is compounding this. How can this idiot do that. What parent thinks there on selfish sexual gratification is more important than their kids and their partner who knows them more than anything.
Hi Mia Trust me Disney Day will fade. Your kids will see you are their parent. They dont need a friend they need a loving , stable, secure parent . That is you :-)
Your husband is selfish now and it's all about his entitlement and needs. He is in a crisis. Try not to watch it, nothing good will come out of it and it will only bring you down. You can do this.
Hugs Mia , you are not alone.
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I agree w/Irish...Disney Day at Disney Dad's will soon fade away into the sunset. He'll get tired of putting on the happy front and paying for things for the kids. Give it time...you'll see that we are right.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He's such a twat...again telling me tonight that the weekend he has them is a bank holiday weekend so he'll have them until Monday. Aargh so angry with him.
I didn't say that he'll stop seeing the kids, but he'll stop doing a lot of those fun things that he may be doing w/them right now. He may have the kids over and he could very well sit and watch TV and leave the kids to figure things out in the way of entertaining themselves or he'll plop them down in the front of the TV and do something else while they sit there watching TV.
You need to put a proper visitation schedule in place or this type of jerking your around will continue.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Haven't posted for a couple of days. My week has been ok. Had one or two meltdowns.
H phone number continues to be blocked and that makes me feel better.
A couple of times he has rung to speak to kids and he hasn't gotten hold of them. I haven't done anything btw, just my son has missed his call on his mobile then h has rung landline and left message and no one has noticed. In some ways this makes me feel comforted as then maybe h can feel the reality of what he has done. That our kids are not waiting for his every phone call and no he doesn't get to,speak to them whenever because he decided to walk away.
Next weekend when he ha skids I have arranged to go out with some friends for my birthday. Was dreading being on my own all bank holiday.
Do I still think of h , of course, am I still in disbelief of what he has done absolutely. Never thought he could hurt me and continue as much as he has.
Hi Mia, I'm glad you've made nice plans for yourself on your birthday and that's great if you feel better about the long weekend.
I normally try and have some plans on any free days. Nothing major but tonight I'm going to a movie with friends and I'm seeing M&D tomorrow afternoon. It just gives structure and companionship to your day. Hopefully you can make one or two nice plans on other days that weekend. It helps to anticipate that you may find the long weekend a challenge and plan ahead.
Take care & hope you have a nice weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, I'm glad to come here and see that you've got some plans for the next bank holiday. I'm glad your friends are going to celebrate your special day w/you. Enjoy the time you spend w/them.
I do understand your disbelief in the way that your h has done to you and your family. No one would have ever thought that they would have done the things that they have done. I am so sorry that he's still acting out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had a thought this morning. When h introduced the kids to ow in October and I confronted him again whether he was having an affair and he Sid no but then said 'but I have told her we're over' .....essentially he did end us b4 he allegedly started with her ( as in admired it in November) .
How can I stop going over things in my head. Wish it would stop. Had a massive heart to heart with my Oder son yesterday. Tried to be very careful what I said but had to say that what daddy has done is wrong and that no it isn't right to walk out on your wife. He agreed but got really upset.
My younger one tried to ask if we were getting a divorce but he only got the letter d and then he cried because he couldn't say the word. My heart breaks for my kids.
H is living his dream life 45 mins away and the kids have to put up with me putting on a brave face
It is unbearable for the kids. I know how hard it is. But remember your kids will survive this and it will make them stronger. It will also forge a very tight relationship between you and your kids.
Reassure them that you will be okay.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Also my ex also claims he was not in a relationship with OW until after we broke up. The instant the bomb dropped I asked if he was having a relationship with her which of course he denied - but after bomb he was free to start that relationship.
They live in denial. It is a mental state. The best you can do is stay busy with your life and your hobbies. You are so blessed to have healthy children.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Yeah, he still denies anything went on b4 he left...bullocks. .... How can he expect anyone to believe him!!
I really feel for my kids. Yesterday was heartbreaking. H thinks that he is I. The clear as long as pays child maintenance and sees them. He has no idea of the damage his stupid behaviour has had.
I'm unhappy, I don't love you anymore....grow up you idiot. You haven't left your girlfriend...you've left your marriage and I don't think he has any idea of the actual repercussions, emotionally or financially......how he thinks he just does not pay the mortgage because he doesn't live here!!! What planet is he on. Oh yeah planet La lala. With skanky other woman where they are so 'in love' nothing matters.
One day that planet will blow h......and the ramifications and the dawn of realisation of what you have done will hurt you more than you ever know
Hi Mia, I'm sorry you had a rough weekend with how the kids were feeling. I think the best you can do is be there for them, be there for yourself, work through your feelings and keep moving forward.
I can understand your anger towards your H and I agree with you that in time, choices like his do bring consequences. I believe that will also be the case with my H and his OW.
Did you manage to do some nice things for yourself this weekend?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
That was my rant lol....we ( kids and I) went to my brothers to meet his new baby and my sister and parents were there. So they spent time with the family that matters!!! That not only loves the..a given....but also supports them emotionally and financially....his cant
Well tried to get the mortgage reduced to interest only in the interim until I can get h to contribute to our family more. Unfortunately I can't and any changes I want to make have to be agreed and signed by him. Typical
Well tried to get the mortgage reduced to interest only in the interim until I can get h to contribute to our family more. Unfortunately I can't and any changes I want to make have to be agreed and signed by him. Typical
Are you in the US? You need to file for legal separation if you are. That way a judge will decide who needs to pay what and you can get the help you need.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Mia, his name is on the mortgage so by law he has to pay it. I have checked with my solicitor and I'm in the UK, so go and see a solicitor and have him paying his share.
Just wondering:are you afraid that if you take him to court for no mortgage payments, you feel that there will be no possible R? I was afraid like you that if I was going for legal separation it'll mean no chance of R, unfortunately I know there is no chance for me so I'm looking after my kids and me. You need to do the same as at the moment your H is MIA!
Mia, Please go see a lawyer and/or solicitor as soon as possible. You need some protection and yes money to help out w/the mortgage. Just because his name is on the mortgage, that doesn't mean he will pay it even if it's stipulated in legal documents. Some of these people will allow their homes to go into foreclosure rather than pay.
Protect yourself and your children no matter what. This is a business transaction that needs to be taken care of asap. Taking him to court may not tip the scale one way or another as to whether returns or not.
Please protect yourself!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Mia, I agree with Rouky on the financials and I would encourage you to see a L and become clear about the financial situation. I know he has started on the mediation route (I'm not sure how that works) but the risk to you is he may not progress that and you are left in a poor financial position.
You may want to consider seeing a couple of L's for a free half hour consultation appt. Most offer this as far as I'm aware. My stance was, I don't want to D - but I do need for us to resolve financials. However, H wasn't willing to sort financials without a D, so it may have contributed towards him filing for D (but who knows, he may have done that anyway.)
Importantly, this isn't just about you, it's about him properly supporting his kids and I don't think you should hesitate to ensure your and their security during this difficult time. Has he done anything to move forward the mediation he suggested, by the way??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, you're not going to "nice" him back. You need to be a strong woman and stand up for what you need. It's like parenting, you don't give the kids whatever they want so they will like you. You have to do what is best for the family, if H decides to be a part of that family or not.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Thanks for advice. He rang me out the blue the other day going on about me booking appt with his mediator. It caught me on the hop as it was out of the blue and I did lose my temper with him.
Then I found that he had booked separate parents evening appointments for our country Oder son. What an idiot. Told h that that was ridiculous and as parents if he was going we should go together and his behaviour was actually embarrassing to his son. He relented to this although I had to cancel my spots and go with his ( all about him). He had th in Gaul to say that he didn't know I was was going. What a twit , my response was I have been to every parents evening since the kids started school what on earth made you think that would change.
Hi Mia, I'm sorry you had a difficult interaction with your H. As you know, H & I don't have kids together and so I haven't experienced the coparenting challenges that many on the forum struggle with. I'm blessed enough to be able to keep in touch with my SS, mostly as a result of his Mum's goodwill and support, for which I am grateful.
I'd like to offer a perspective here if I may - and feel free to discard if it isn't helpful!
Firstly, with the mediation appointment, did you understand that the ball was in your court to book an appointment with his mediator? You say he caught you out of the blue and on the hop and you lost your temper.
If you knew the ball was in your court, might it have been enough to simply say - yes I'm aware and I'll do that this week - thanks for the reminder. Or if you didn't know - to simply say - I hadn't understood that - thank you, I'll do that this week. If you can, might it help to think of him as a rather annoying colleague or neighbour that you need to liaise with and ideally be courteous to? Do you think your general level of anger about the situation spills over into any liaison with him and could you find other ways to release it?
In terms of the parents evening, I'm going to play devils advocate here. Did him booking his own appointments mean that he actually was being an idiot or a twit? Might he have felt that it could be awkward going together, given the recent tone of your interactions? Might he have been worried that some anger might seep into the teacher meetings? Might he have thought that, as you are now separated, it would be best to go to future parents evenings separately?
I'm not saying that I agree with his perspective (if he did think any of these things) but I could understand how he might feel, given all circumstances. My greatest worry when you describe exchanges like these is the potential impact on your kids if they become aware of the conflict surrounding them and a school event and whether they might feel they are potentially to blame in some way. Perhaps through overhearing a conversation or seeing your or his demeanour and knowing something is wrong.
Sometimes it helps to ask ourselves - what fear/insecurity in me was triggered as a result of his decision or actions? Normally that is what can lie behind our feelings of anger. Were you worried that others might see and potentially judge if you attended separately? Did you feel it was yet another nail in the coffin for your marriage if you each went to your own appointments? Often it can be useful to explore areas like these, which have been triggers for you.
I also think it's important we don't justify our angry treatment of someone because of their actions - eg: he was being an idiot so I lost my temper with him - as though one had to automatically follow the other. His actions are one thing and for him to own, your response is another thing and for you to own. The actions of others don't cause our responses because we always have choices about how we respond. The other thing it may help to think is - what am I hoping to achieve here and is my behaviour moving me towards or away from that? Even if you don't hope to leave the door open to a possible reconciliation (and perhaps you haven't yet decided?) there is still a coparenting relationship to support in these changed and challenging circumstances. At the moment, you still sound pretty reactive when he pushes your buttons, and ideally we want to get to a place where we can respond instead of react - even in provocative circumstances.
When I was reading your post, I thought of JujuB's thread in newcomers. She has a WAH and two young kids, and has felt/shown anger to her H. There have been some interesting debates on her thread and in recent posts, she seems to have turned the corner and reached a place of greater peace and acceptance. You may find it helpful to have a look at her thread perhaps?
I hope some of this helps and may provide some food for thought anyway. I don't intend to poke at you in any way with any of these suggestions, and truly I understand how challenging the circumstances are. We are all pretty much stripped raw by the stuff that happens, and it's brutal. However, I also think that directing anger at your H makes a bad situation worse and that the way forward and how we want to tone of our lives to be in future always lies with us.
Take care and I hope you have a better day today xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It's regards to mediation he was supposed to book an appointment with mine. That's what he'd said the previous Friday so yeah I was caught off the hop.
With regards to parents evening he has never gone to one, it has always been me. I work at that school also and have witnessed when separated parents make separate appointments and how it affects the kids. As far as I'm concerned yes he was a twit completely thinking of his own feelings again rather than how the situation would embarrass out son at school with his teachers. His response to doing that was I didn't know you'd go!! Ridiculous when I've always gone.
Yes I should control my anger and yes that is me...however with all his lies and stupid things he has done over the last months and then expecting me to just go with it when he has hurt our kids so much is difficult. Any interactions are usually instigated by him but it is his self entitlement when he does wrong that doe send up causing me to react. I know I have to find away to deal with him...but yes I'm struggling when he acts like he hasn't done anything wrong and all he goes on about how he should see the kids and when ( he ready does plenty) then threatening me with court orders .
Hi Mia, I understand that he has done a pile of hurtful stuff and it's hard to move forward. If he is in MLC, I would expect him to continue having little regard for you, your feelings, your M, financials, the kids. It's a tough thing - but all absolutely to be expected if he is indeed a man in crisis. I prefer to think of my own H as a generally good man, who has/is making a huge mistake right now. My guess is that events and consequences will catch up at some point and that the limerance he feels/has felt with OW will fade. And then he is stuck with an emotionally immature woman who has broken up two families and is willing to cheat. That's not much of a prize and I actually prefer my own lot in life.
For me, understanding MLC and letting go some of the hurtful behaviour has been freeing. I no longer react to my H - though my sitch is easier as we are just email/text now and I get some time to think about a response. But TBH I think less now and I just respond and get on with my day. I do have clear boundaries and have been quite specific with him on one or two of those - otherwise, I largely leave him to it. He can feast on OW until he is over-ful and regretting the indulgence.
The key thing I think is to focus on what we can control. He will do what he will do. Some of it may be hurtful - very hurtful. However, whether we choose to lock horns in combat, ignore it, smile knowingly, meditate and get on with our day - those are our choices. Just try and stay aware of the yes I should control my anger.....however with all his lies and stupid things he has done - and remember that people can do whatever they wish to us - however our reaction is ours to own.
Best to keep the focus on what we can control and try not to worry about MLC replay antics. I know it isn't easy and I have struggled with that, but if we stay on the right path it does come in time.
Take care
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, Please re-read the last couple of postings that Sotto posted to you. She's spot on. There's nothing you can do to make your h do the right things when it comes to your children, you, the relationship, etc. MLC is all about them and what they want to do at that time. They have very little regard to what we are feeling and they do not care if we have ample funds to live on, etc.
It's important to focus on what you can actually control, i.e., you, your life and being there for your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You would be proud, I was calm but distant. I work at the school also and one of the teachers said I looked confident and was smiling .
It was also obvious how little h knows about the day to day of his son. He was asking me!! Google it prat ( I didn't say that but they ugly it)
He constantly had that concerned look on his face...the concerned father ..whatever
I am sure h drove away with food for thought about he little knowledge he has of his sons education...he's made his bed and soon that bed will become as hard as nails.
Me...I took the higher ground and I'm pleased with myself. No I wasn't overly nice to him but I was civil and didn't get annoyed.l.despite me wanting to rip his head off
Nice job Mia! Being calm but distant is GREAT! Work the frustrations out somewhere else.
Keep taking care of you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
He looked completely out of his comfort zone. There was one appointment that he did on his own and I bumped into one of out sons friends and his dad and was chatting when h walked past....it was only me that saw h and I could see he was about to say hello to sons friend and dad but then stopped himself....I am sure he felt uncomfortable...good. He lef a good life because he was 'unhappy' pathetic.
But yes, I definitely feel like I came off the better person.
I live with my MLCer and I notice anytime I take the high road, I see more and more guilt out of him. The times my anger gets hold of me, he feels justified as I only make myself look bad.
Glad it made you feel better. Keep practicing that; good stuff!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
My youngest son came with me. He kept hugging me when his dad was there. And I just felt h was an absolute twat for putting his kids in this situation. What an idiot, getting involved with his work colleague. Didn't think of his kids just his own self entitled idea of happiness. What about his kids right to being brought up by two parents together
Nice job! I'm proud of you. Taking the high road takes a lot of energy and positive thinking and you did a great job. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It was tough. But I wasn't allowing him to embarrass my son and me by making separate appointments.
As I said it was obvious how w little h knew about our sons day to day life. That had to have hurt. And I won't feel bad that that gave me some pleasure after what he's done.
Had a little bit of a shock when my youngest son spoke about walking the dog ( he's at his dad's). Thought omg they've got a dog now!!! But son said its a dog that comes over every couple of weeks. I assume it's the ex husbands . Phew
What the h@ll happen? Life happens, we grow up and take on more and more responsibilities as we walk the path of life. Unfortunately, your h hasn't completely grown up and his coping skills aren't very good. Some have a lot of underlying issues that don't come to the surface until mid life and they were never allowed a change to voice themselves as children, so it simmers for many years and then bubbles over at some point. Unfortunately, they don't know how to cope w/these issues when they come to the surface a crisis begins.
Unlike cuts, scars and bruises, we can't see those hidden wounds until a crisis happens. They are very good at keeping them hidden until it's too late and something triggers them. They may never have talked about their childhood or if they did, they glossed over it and felt uncomfortable talking about it. We assumed that these issues were in the past and we all focus on the future, but that's not the case for many of these mlcers...for them, those issues were unresolved. People didn't talk about MLC back many, many years ago and it wasn't until the last 20 years that people starting opening up about the behavior and talking about. Some make jokes about it, but most people are more serious about the destruction that takes place.
Bottom line, we are all learning about MLC, what causes it and how to deal w/the fallout. The most logical way to deal w/it is to keep the focus on you and your family, try to stay strong and not to take what he/she is doing personally, but really it's not about you at all. As we walk the path of life, we become wiser, listen, we share and we find ways to cope (which is far better than how they cope). We go on w/our lives and sometimes, they return...but that's far, far down the road and if he wants to reconcile and try again, ultimately you will be the one to decide if you want to try again.
So, for today, keep the focus on you, I know you get tired of me reminding you of this, but time really is on your side and what you do w/your time is up to you. Just remember, time doesn't stand still for us and we only have one life to live and we need to live it to the best of our ability. We can't recover the past, but the present is really a gift...use it wisely and the future...well...it hasn't been revealed to us yet.
Continue to read up on MLC because the more you read, the more you will understand it better.
I do hope you have a great day today!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Unfortunately am not having a great day. Can't get used to being on my own. Did pop out to see a friend but she was out and a friend was supposed to come over today but had to cancel. I had tried to keep occupied.
When I m on my own all I think of is how I made him unhappy( I know what you're going to say but I can't stop the feelings slipping in)
He scares me as I can't know what he's going to do next.
Okay, so you are at home and friends aren't around. Get up, get dressed and go to a book store or café and sit a bit. Nothing says you have to sit at home all day. When you aren't busy is when you tend to think about him. Mia, yes, you know exactly what I'm going to say...it wasn't your job to make him happy. That was his job to do so. Happiness doesn't come from external stuff, but from within. Sure, it's nice to have those external things around you, but the bottom line is...we are only responsible for making ourselves happy. If others wish to join in whatever we are doing and/or sharing, then it's on them to do so.
What do you mean he scares you? There's no way to know what he'll do or won't do next. Bottom line, live for today, focus on today and try to find something that makes you smile for today. Leave tomorrow at the door.
Now...get out there and take a walk, sit at a café or take a drive...but do something to get yourself out of the house.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He scares me because his behaviour is unpredictable. He is threatening to take me to court over child access if I don't do his mediation. I am going to do it when I find my info.
He scares me because I don't recognise this man .... He has no empathy for my feelings at all....am scared at what else he can do to hurt me...as he blatantly doesn't give a toss about me.
Hi Mia, sorry you're not having the best day. Sometimes when I have a bad day, I just list three things I could do - ie: go swimming, go out for a coffee, go shopping. Then I just make myself do one - doing anything is generally better than doing nothing when you're not having the best day.
Maybe today is a good day to start getting back in touch with your love of cooking? I bought a book on soup making today and I'm going to try making some pea soup later.
Take care and hope your day improves. Glad to see Job has already posted with some excellent advice xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, I do understand the fear about his behavior being unpredictable, but that's all part of the crisis/depression. They change and act out because they can't cope with life and they are miserable inside. You have to try to look at him as a neighbor or a distant relative. He's not the man you knew and you have to accept that for now. It's going to take a long time before he settles down and figures things out.
BTW, they like to control and manipulate the spouses. Threats are one way of getting you to do what he wants and when he wants. It's also a way to get you to back off of him.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself and he knows that you are scared of what he might do, so he's going to escalate that fear to get you to do what he wants. When he sees a calm, collected and self assured woman who doesn't react to his behavior, he just very well may stop some of his threats. You'll notice he'll try to be nice and then go back to being Mr. Nasty. It's his way of keeping you right where he wants you...in a corner shaking w/fear. Don't allow this man to scare you. You are a grown woman who has a lot to offer someone and if he's that darn stupid and can't see the many qualities that you have to offer...shame on him.
Now, off you go...get out of the house for a bit...even if it's just a walk. The fresh air will do you a world of good.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I opened my work email this morning and I have an email to appear in court!!!! Apparently the court notice is attached but the work email has blocked the attachment so I can't open it.
Omg...I can only assume it is from h about child access. Why. He has access why is he being so awful. He has hurt me and the kids enough and now he wants to drag us through the court system
Hi Mia, can you forward the email to yourself at home so you can see what it is? Please try and keep calm and remember if you can respond (rather than react) to this - that will be best.
I think it can really help to have things clarified with respect to the kids, so everyone knows what has been agreed - so whilst this may feel difficult just now, it may well be helpful if you can stay calm, accept what is happening and agree some fair terms.
Take care & deep breaths. Remember, the more calm and pleasant you can be with him, the calmer and pleasanter your sitch is likely to be. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I did forward the email to myself but still can't open attachment. I replied to the email to state that I couldn't open attachment but it just bounces?
Hi Mia, it's just a thought but could it be a scam email. If you google court appearance scam email & have a look at what comes up. It says there is an attachment called 'court notice' for you to download, but it's trying to instal malware.
Was the email sent during business hours or in the small hours of the morning/over the weekend?
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sorry it freaked you out and good you reported it. Now then, try and put the nasty scare behind you and have a nice pampering day....do you have any plans? x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, Scammers are also contacting people via the telephone about court appearances and then they ask you questions about your personal information for verification. Whatever you do, do not provide personal info over the phone to them either. They should already have that data.
Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's my birthday tomorrow, and normally h takes kids out to McDonald's but when he just dropped the kids off he said is it ok if he sees the kids on Thursday rather than tomorrow as I'm sure you want to spend time with them in the evening. Wow some actual consideration for my feelings.
He is not obsessed about seeing the kids. Why? If he wanted to see them so much surely he'd try and work at his marriage .
Don't try and understand his mind, he is not rational. Most men in MLC can separate kids from marriage so to us we think if a father wants to see his kids all the time he should just be married to their mother. The male MLC brain doesn't work like that. That rational just doesn't enter their brain.
What do you have planned to treat yourself to for your birthday?
Originally Posted By: Mia2003
Well not sure I should read anything into this.
It's my birthday tomorrow, and normally h takes kids out to McDonald's but when he just dropped the kids off he said is it ok if he sees the kids on Thursday rather than tomorrow as I'm sure you want to spend time with them in the evening. Wow some actual consideration for my feelings.
He is not obsessed about seeing the kids. Why? If he wanted to see them so much surely he'd try and work at his marriage .
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I agree w/twinmom...don't try to understand what he says or does because it will change on a dime and give you a penny back. Sometimes they are thoughtful and kind and then there are other times they can be so nasty about things. Take what he is offering you in the way of you having the children tomorrow as a nice surprise.
So, what are your plans for your special day?
Okay, here's the thing, seeing the kids and working on the marriage are two separate things in his mind. The relationship is actually what he's running away from and since he's obsessed in seeing the kids...that tells me he doesn't see a lot of responsibility in being w/them, i.e., like a father should.
Have a great birthday!
P.S. Please start a new thrad.
Last edited by job; 05/02/1602:26 PM. Reason: new thread request
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
They have a great time with him. Constantly doing stuff. This weekend it was archery , wild life centre, log cutting. Ows daughters birthday. All a buzz a minute.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
