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ciluzen,

I assume you were addressing me with regard to IC. Yes, I'm seeing an IC. She was our MC until my wife quit going after the third session. The IC is a wonderful woman and I owe her a lot; I wouldn't be where I'm at without her.

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Originally Posted By: doodler
[quote] This EA stuff is awful because so many people believe the friendship story and they don't realize that your spouse has literally replaced you with someone else. Yuck!




I'm dealing with that exact problem. It is literally driving me nuts. I actually don't know what other people in my former "social group" really believe was/is going on with regards to why my H and I are separated (not everyone knows he filed), but they were all good friends of Bubbles and are clients of H. I haven't spoken to them since he filed; no one has contacted me. So I really don't know their takes on it. But for YEARS it was very obvious that they were close friends and did things alone together. It really does hurt worse that NO ONE has stood up and said this is wrong. Including Bubble's H. They just all embrace H and abandoned me. I guess they have more to gain by staying friends with him...a great vacation home to go to and, for some, a steady job. Plus, he's a nice guy. As I said before, he fits the "nice guy syndrome" discussed on bluewave's thread to a t.

Sorry for the pity party. Its just the one thing I have a hard time understanding since I keep hearing how "nice" I am from everyone, including H. It is literally eating me up inside.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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ciluzen,

I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. It's tough being the bad guy or gal when it's really the other spouse that left the marriage. My wife literally started spending more time with the EA friend's family than she did with her own family but had audacity to tell me that I'm just jealous. Um yeah, I'm jealous for good reason...

See there, you got me going. wink

Anyway, my wonderful MC confirmed that it's an EA and has been very supportive. I owe her a debt I can't repay.

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ciluzen Offline OP
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I'm going to talk to my GP about recommending an IC for me this week. I've tried two different ones. The first was awful (interrupted, judged, kept telling me how controlling H was...duh. so am I!) And the second was a great listener and validator, but not much help beyond that. I need a smart, tough cookie IC who can help me move forward. I'm stubborn, I guess.

On another note, I'm at the vacation home on the river. It's beautiful and peaceful here. He was still here when I got here and wanted to show me the "good" coffee he got and that he had 1/2 and 1/2 (he knows I don'the do creamers). I also started to put my stuff in our bedroom and caught myself. I put myself in one of the other rooms and he grabbed my stuff and put it back in our room. Well, that was nice...it is the main floor master. We watched the basketball game and talked for a bit, then he left. He then called for basketball play by plays until he could get the game to come in on his car radio. See, I'm still good for something!

He left his supplements on the dresser. Dhea and l-argenine. Yep. I assume he's either trying to hold back the hands of time or worried about his mom's condition getting to him. Or both.

Anyway, GAL activities today. 10k at a nearby lake and then lunch with the meetup friends that are doing it with me at a lakeside resort. Hoping my sprained foot and toes are healed enough, lol. It's been two weeks, right?


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Just journaling again so I can look back and learn from things, as I am apt to over-analyze everything. LOL.

My 10k was awesome! Beautiful day, great people, even ran into one of my little friends (she's twelve) who I didn't know was even doing the run. My foot was a little sore, but not bad. My meetup friends and I went to the craft fair that was near the lake afterward. I really enjoyed myself with them! Usually I go to those things alone and hustle through. This was much more fun, chatting with vendors and each other. Then lunch at the lakeside resort with great conversation.

Afterward, I went back to our river house and watched the dog playing in the water while I just sat in the sun and relaxed. H showed up as I was leaving and was preparing to trim the trees up. I asked if he wanted me to stay while he was using a ladder, and he seemed grateful for that. He also seemed to enjoy our dog's antics in the water. I left with the dog as soon as he finished.

Spent Memorial Day with my D25 and her H. Rode bikes to a local coffee shop with her H and then she and I walked to the beach near her home. She asked me to identify trees and plants she liked along the way since they are starting to landscape their new home. Had a long talk about my H...her feelings. It was nice to be her ear about the situation for a bit. We then had a BBQ at her in-laws...I found out I did pretty well at horse-shoes (first time I've played!). Nice group of people...I enjoy them more each time I see them.

I had to get home to sign some escrow papers with H. We did discuss the tractor situation again...he attempted to spew again and get angry... make it about me wanting money. Somehow I was able to be calm (too tired to react, I guess) and get him to understand that I just wanted to make sure he was doing what he wanted, since the money would actually help his situation more than mine. He is still very worried about getting rid of two vehicles that his dad wanted him to keep (one being the tractor)...and he still doesn't want them or know where to put them when the house sells. He got my point though, finally, I think. I let it go.

We talked more about the house sale and prep, what we would each want or not want, etc. I did throw in a quick, "I still wish you would change your mind" (too tired to DB well, but it was pretty weak) and he just ignored it. He then started talking about his office. We made eye contact the whole time as he talked about all of his tough or frustrating office issues and clients. Things he felt he could have done better. I listened and validated and asked questions. Until 11pm.

I'm starting to see that my new role in his life for now is to listen, to be that "therapist" that he can vent to rather than just a friend. He would never see any type of paid IC. Well...its good practice for what I'm going back to school for, at any rate. And I can detach a bit knowing that that is my new role. Hunh.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Your weekend sounded like a busy one...but fun times were included. I'm sure your 10K was awesome and hopefully your foot is better today.

I'm sorry about the house papers and it's funny how they want to keep things that they have no place to store them. Some want to keep old cars/tractors and others take away the steps to sheds and others take their children's desk chairs, etc. It's the memories that those little things provide to them. Unfortunately, the tractor will need to go because where is he going to keep it? Storage facilities can rack up some fees and the tractor needs to be maintained as well. He can always take photos of it for the future reference and sell it and take the money to help himself out of his financial situation...but he will have to come to that conclusion on his own. I'm hoping he'll listen to what you've said and will sell it.

I think you are very wise to listen to what he has to say. The more you listen, the more you'll discover what's going on in his mind.

Take care.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: ciluzen
I'm going to talk to my GP about recommending an IC for me this week. I've tried two different ones. The first was awful (interrupted, judged, kept telling me how controlling H was...duh. so am I!) And the second was a great listener and validator, but not much help beyond that. I need a smart, tough cookie IC who can help me move forward. I'm stubborn, I guess.


ciluzen,

I had an IC when my wife's EA stuff started. I thought I had jealousy issues. I never cared for the IC because she seemed to like affirmations. Affirmations never really did anything for me. Then, I checked out her credentials; her Phd was in music and she specialized in music therapy. Oh well.

Finding a good MC was serendipitous for me (I'll spare you the details); she'd had 25 years of marriage counseling experience and she's a "straight shooter." My wife only went to three sessions with her but I continued on with her for individual counseling. If it weren't for her, I'd still be flailing around in limbo-land.

One of the first things she said to me was, "Look, this is how marriage works; if your wife has a friend that you don't like, then the friend has to go." (And vice versa, of course.)

I'm going to see her tomorrow and I can't wait because I have a lot of ground to cover.

ciluzen, I wish you luck in finding a good IC.

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Hi Ciluzen! Firstly, thank you for your amazing post and advice on my thread, you are such a great strength buddy to me!

Love the sound of all your GAL activities over the weekend - hope your foot is OK! It's great that your D is able to open up to you about her feelings on H and the situation - good for you both I should think.

Your H still doesn't seem to be facing the reality of what he is doing does he? Expecting to be able to keep the tractor etc when he has nowhere for it to go. They just want to shove us away in a shoe box somewhere and life go on as it always did. We can only watch and wait and hope they wake up and smell the coffee in time!

Good luck with your search for an IC. I saw one a few years ago after H's EA/PA event no. 2 and she wasn't great. Kept wanting me to harp on about my childhood and my parents when I knew that it bore nothing to the situation I was in! My childhood did not make my H do what he did nor my reaction!

@Doodler - love your IC's explanation of how marriage works. My H needs to read it!


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
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Cil--checking in on you. And catching up. Sounds like you have been busy as well. That is a good thing.

I hope you find a IC you like and trust. I have yet to make the plunge (again.) I did like my first one-- he really helped me DB in the early days, but he was $125/hr. YOUCH!! I would rather go "see" someone but in order for insurance to cover it I need a mental health diagnosis. Not that I don't qualify for depression or anxiety (or both), just not sure I want to go that route. I am still mulling it over.

I too wish your H would "change his mind." But like job said, he needs to figure it out on his own. My H said that the act of packing and walking out the door, while I was gone and S15 slept, was cathartic. He admitted it was cowardly, but it needed to be done. Your H seems to need more time.


Me 47 H 49 S18 S15
M 21
BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY
I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16
Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16
BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16
Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June
H leaves 5/7/16
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Hey all! My foot seems fine, surprisingly. Opted to not go to my Krav Maga class, though.
Haven't talked to my doc about IC yet, as he is on vacation still. But I will. I still feel it is necessary, especially since I'm getting closer to being D and trying to keep to my promise to myself to move forward while keeping the door cracked open.

Mel, that'sounds interesting what you said about leaving being cathartic for your H. Can you explain more?

My H and I spoke again in person on Monday...we had escrow papers to send in. Again we spoke more of what we each needed in the house. And then had a discussion the next day by phone about things we needed to do before the close of the house. We spoke about his obnoxious L and I actually saw old, self assured H pop out. It was nice to see him come to the conclusion that he was letting her do things he didn't want...and actually say he needed to tell her how things were going to go down and that he just needed her to make it legal. Wishy washy insecure new H was gone for the moment. I know he'll be back though. This is a long road.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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