Doodler - I read over your threads. Have you noticed, your wife was abused by a babysitter and her boyfriend, and now she's involved with this creepy guy AND his wife? Sounds like she is recreating on some sick level the dysfunction that happened to her as a child.
This is more common than you'd think. My ex was traumatized by his mother's divorcing his father when he was 17 - then he left when OUR youngest son was 17. Not a coincidence, I think.
kml,
Oh yes, I noticed the pattern. In fact, this isn't the first time; before I'd met my wife she had a "good friend" and the good friend's wife was very similar to my wife's current EA "friend." I thought the previous friendship was a bit odd, but it was prior to meeting my wife so I didn't think much of it.
Please note, it didn't seem so crazy back then because I didn't know the real nature of my wife's childhood abuse until about four years ago.
And yes, it takes two to tango. My H knows how I felt about it, but his reply is that "nothing happened". Physical or not, his nothing is different from my nothing.
ciluzen,
I sent my wife a number of articles about emotional affairs. She says she doesn't believe in EA, it's just something someone "made up." She says that intercourse is the definition of an affair. And that's that.
When we got married I thought she'd continually get better (she has dissociative identity disorder), but since meeting her current "friend" things seemed to have gone downhill.
Right now my door isn't cracked open. Unless she made major changes I don't feel like I could ever trust her again.
Thank you for your feedback. This EA stuff is awful because so many people believe the friendship story and they don't realize that your spouse has literally replaced you with someone else. Yuck!
Please stop giving her articles on affairs. She's not going to listen to what you have to say about them, much less read the articles. The more you try to educate her on this stuff, the more determined she's going to be do what she's doing. Leave her to her mess and allow the emotional affair to die a natural death. Keep the focus on you and continue moving forward.
ciluzen,
Sorry for the hi-jack.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't mind the hi-jack. I love it when people come over and have interesting, lively discussions at "my house".
On the door cracked open or closed shut, that is an individual's choice. We all have to act in accordance with what we feel is within us to do based upon what we think we see or don't see happening with our spouse.
I see H is working on some issues, including some very bad deep hurt and feelings of not being good enough. But he is working. That's enough for me to not shut the door.
Doodler, your W has some huge issues to work on and maybe doesn't quite grasp that she does. I agree with Job that articles on ea or self help books will be ignored...for now.
I'm guilty of giving my H a book early on which I'm sure he tossed. That's why as much as my latest reading applies to him and is actually designed to help guys who are like him, I can only use that book to understand him and maybe guide him better when I'm validating or listening by being aware of what he's saying. I'm not closing the door yet because he STILL says things that let me know he is changing and trying to seek my "approval".
Sometimes its a waiting game. I'm pretty well known for my patience...hopefully I can be strong, too.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Please stop giving her articles on affairs. She's not going to listen to what you have to say about them, much less read the articles. The more you try to educate her on this stuff, the more determined she's going to be do what she's doing. Leave her to her mess and allow the emotional affair to die a natural death. Keep the focus on you and continue moving forward.
Job,
I stopped giving her articles a long time ago. I should've been a little more clear about that. In fact, the only reason I have any contact with her is because of our sons. I'm not "going dark" per se, I just don't care to have anything to do with a WW that would break up her family because of her creepy friend. I thought I was a nice guy, but I had no problem saying "hasta la vista baby."
Doodler, your W has some huge issues to work on and maybe doesn't quite grasp that she does. I agree with Job that articles on ea or self help books will be ignored...for now.
ciluzen,
She does have huge issues, and I knew that coming into the marriage and I was okay with that. I helped many of her "alters" (many were children) through various issues. One of her alters had never been out trick-or-treating so I set up the house with Halloween decorations and we did trick-or-treating inside the house on Halloween-eve. That made her very happy.
I was willing to do almost anything to help her through her stuff; I always gave her lots of leeway in her behavior and allowed her plenty of room during her angry times. But hooking up with a creepy guy and adopting his family and leaving me and the boys behind was too much.
Doodler, Something you need to look at, in your own progress: why did you pick your wife? Why did you think a woman with a serious mental illness was an appropriate choice to be the mother of your children? Was there something familiar about that dynamic from your childhood? Or something about your self esteem that you thought this was the best you could do?
I'm not knocking you or your wife. But in order for you to make healthy choices in the future and not repeat this pattern, you have to understand what led you to ignore the red flags.
Over the past few months, I've thought a lot about my reasons for picking her. I really loved her as a person; she was smart beautiful and fun. She was my cave diving buddy. How many women will go cave diving with you?
She's actually amazingly competent given the DID (multiple personalities). (DID isn't always as debilitating as it's portrayed in movies and on TV.) It wasn't like she was a walking basket case.
However, I'm the one that "discovered" the DID. She'd originally been diagnosed as bipolar. I was under the illusion that she'd get better and that a lot of her "harder" traits would soften over time. In some respects that did happen, but as with any mental illness, things fluctuate and there can be relapses. I didn't really think that the DID would be problematic in the marriage because I was very willing to be there for her every step of the way. Also, and this is important, I had to assume that she had been sexually abused in her childhood because DID results from relatively early childhood abuse. But, my wife had no memory of the actual abuse; it was all repressed. Bits and pieces came out along the way, but I didn't know the true nature of the abuse until we'd been married at least ten years.
As a mother she was actually pretty good; not great, but good. However, one thing I did find out along the way is that she never really planned on being a mom until we'd gotten married. I know that she was very afraid that she wouldn't be able to have children because of the sexual abuse. I think ultimately she is very happy that she is a mom.
Lastly, yes, I'm certain my self esteem played a role as well. She was someone who was interested in me and I'd always been shy and never a "lady's man." For me it was awesome to have a woman who wanted me. I'd noticed some of her boundary issues early-on; I didn't understand that they were boundary issues at the time, I just knew I didn't like what I saw. However, most of the boundary issues got better over time (until she met the EA guy). Now, knowing that they were boundary issue, I probably wouldn't have married her.
I'm a different person now as well. I'm much less shy and I have much better self esteem. So that's played a role in the EA stuff; I'm not willing to be married to a wife with a boyfriend (even though it's not sexual).
Knowing what I know now, I would not marry her. I think she's a wonderful person with a lot of great qualities, but she's predisposed to ending up in an EA and I'm not going to be a third wheel.
I understand your feelings. There's a lot Of issues that your W needs to deal with...you can'take do it for her. I respect your decision to focus on your kids and you. They will need the stability. Are you seeing an IC? Although you seem to be doing well, it might be nice to have guidance just to deal with the severe enormity and complexity of what you, your wife, and the kids must mentally and emotionally deal with as this situation progresses and as the kids grow.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Ciluzen I'm so sorry about how you are feeling, you mentioned PTSD, and I think what you are going through is equally painful. I'm at the very first stages of H's MLC, and my world of has been turned upside down. And even though he has committed to our relationship and we are (allegedly) piecing, I cannot stop grieving the future I had dreamt of. I cannot offer any words of wisdom that would take the pain away, I just want to send you ((((hugs)))) and let you know that we are here for you...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
