Why is Raven black?

[ciluzen]

Hey, IP and Mel. It is getting easier. I have basically just chosen to go NC unless I feel its absolutely necessary. "Necessary", however, is getting to be a shrinking definition as I'm trying and succeeding in doing things by myself.

I'm getting better at not listening to people telling me how I should treat him (IRL). Some of the people I have chosen to share with are angry that I'm not so angry at him; that I am not mean or hateful. We (at least in my area) have become such an aggressive, me first, go out with guns a blazin' society. But its hard to hold onto anger when you understand depression or pain. I can be angry at his inability to communicate and rush to D, but that really prolonged my own pain. I'm tired of emotional hurt. I'm starting to, I guess, not take it personally? That is in part due to the wonderful idea of focusing more on me.

It was actually the easiest time so far, last night, of not talking R. H came over early to prepare our tractor and we talked easily. I was cheerful and friendly to Bubble's (and H's) friend; enough so that he started talking to me more as the evening progressed. We even gave him a tour of the house with both of us (H and I) telling stories and finishing each other's sentences. I bet that confused him!

H stayed and talked for awhile after the guy left. I applied no pressure, stayed upbeat, listened and asked questions about family, work, his trip south next week; but just enough to encourage him to talk and share. No desire to R talk. Easy peasy, light and breezy. Really.

Living in the moment. Instead of focusing on how much his BD and rejection of me (a thing of the past, now) hurt, or worrying myself silly about my life without him (a thing of the yet to be experienced future), I am slowly trying to learn to enjoy the moment. What does that get me that is better than revenge, retaliation, and witty put-downs aimed right at his gonads? Well, he's in a MLC so, from his end who knows. But for me? Peace of mind. Enjoyment. A feeling of contentment with myself for not spewing, or making a mistake, or pushing him further away, or...being a reactive b!#ch that wouldn't know the high road if it was steamrollered over the top of me.

I don't ask what he does on the weekends. Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I do think of the things he's done and I get mad. Sometimes I get so down and lose hope that I'll ever have him back again that I'm in tears. But its getting easier to wipe it all away and focus on what I can do, especially at that moment.

IP, you are stronger than you think. YOU can do what ever you want. Your H HAS hurt you, but you don't have to continue letting him. Think about what YOU want, to make YOU more comfortable. A schedule? A new lock on the door? A written agreement of support? Go get it.

And Mel? So, so strong...and you know it. Just remember. Mother's Day is for YOU. What do YOU want to do for your day? Not your H's choice. Heck, grab the kids and go do something with just them. Send a clear message. This is MY life, and I won't share it with another woman, or tolerate my H bringing another woman into it. And I won't play nice "for the sake of the kids" on MY day. Firm, strong, but with a big bright smile and sweet soft voice.

Sorry, ladies. I'm feeling pretty good, right now. And I'm not even thinking about my sitch. Must be the steak salad and beer.

[melweb]

Cil!! Thank you so much. I do not feel strong today. I came home from grocery shopping and he was gone. It is what is tho, right?

I believe everything happens for a reason, and that means the good and the bad. So maybe on the other side of this, we (meaning us LBS's) have a stronger marriage, better than before, and we learn from the mistakes, and the journey made US better than before. Or maybe, on the other side of this, we are single again, but we are still better than we were! I hope the best for all of us, whatever that looks like for you!

Have a Happy Mothers Day. I bought steak and cheesecake and will enjoy the day right here with my boys. H-free!!

[ciluzen]

Ooh, Mel! I want your cheesecake! Chocolate hazelnut...uh, yum! Enjoy your Mother's Day, as well.

For my Mother's Day, I slept in today. I kinda did Mother's Day yesterday...got to spend time with both girls and it was my D24(!)'s Bday. I had a great day, with weird H interactions (what's new).

Started off early, getting set up for a soccer tournament my school was hosting. As I was coaching my team, H called. He knew I was coaching so I decided it must be an emergency and answered. He proceeded to tell me that he had planned on going to see D24 at her new rental house that she is partly moved into, but she wasn't answering her phone or texts and he was really frustrated because he had planned to give her a hug and a card and then go up to the vacation property and she was messing up his plans. I explained that she was probably asleep as she worked a night shift at a high stress job and that the crew goes out afterwards to "wind down". She probably didn't get in til 2 or 3 in the morning. He kept complaining so I told him I understood and that maybe he'd just have to talk to her later, and I tried to validate his frustration and concern. I then explained that I was in the middle of a game and needed to get back to it. I hung up.

D25 came out and photographed our last game and just loved it (its a Special Olympics team). She told me H called her after me and that he vented to her almost all the way to the game.
He went to D24's house and pounded on the front and back doors and finally got in to see her. So then he was going to try to make it to the game, but she let him know it was over and so he met us at our cars to vent some more.

D25 and I left, hung out for a bit in town, then visited D24 and her boyfriend at her house and brought her lunch. We had a fun time talking and laughing and taking a tour of the house. H had talked about how awful it was, but it was actually fairly big, clean, and not bad at all. Maybe the rent was a bit high, but not really. He also doesn't like D25's house that she just bought, but for its area, it was a great deal and a very cute house. I don't understand his inability to understand that. He also totally disagreed with the valuation of the vacation property...way too high (!!?). Its waterfront and very large! He's not researching it, but is a bit out of touch.

After spending some more of the day with D25 (my Mother's Day with her) I went home. After about 15 minutes (and after stuffing crackers in my mouth), there was a knock at the door. It was a man and his daughter. His family had been at a showing of my house that morning and were getting ready to drive back home (next state away) and were just in love with it. Came to drive by it one last time and saw I was home. So we got the rest of the family in and they asked questions of me that their agent couldn't answer. It was kind of fun (nice people).

I decided to call H and tell him. He was more concerned with D24. He wouldn't come right out and say it, but he's concerned about her being on a stimulant (drugs). Well, she is! She is on medication for ADD, anxiety and depression. He just kept saying it wasn't normal for her to sleep through his phone calls and knocking. Her response? She turned her ringer off so she could sleep and didn't answer the door right away because she wasn't dressed. I see both sides, and I do have my concerns about her. But H was very down, very frustrated with both D's when on the phone.

I'm getting a pattern now. He doesn't agree with either D's choices or lifestyles (D25 is doing very well and making quite a name for herself professionally!), he sees visiting his parents and brothers as a "chore he has to do", he has stopped really attempting to get involved in house projects (even though he promised to help financially and physically), and he goes up almost always alone to putter around at the vacation home (when he's not working), which is in need of almost no maintenance. He is stressed by his business and isn't sure he can "make it", although he is busy and doing well production-wise. Everything in his life is seen negatively-he refuses to see the positives. That is one lonely, disappointed, tired man. Our M just seems to be more of the same. A negatively viewed disappointment.

[Esame]

Ciluzen it sounds like you are in such a good place with your self improvement journey at the moment! Your mentality is so positive and balanced, you are truly an inspiration. I just wanted to say that I think you could not have dealt with things any better than you already are, and that you should be proud of yourself!

[ciluzen]

I'm trying, Esame. I used to surf (I grew up a SoCal beach bum)and I've gotten into the mindset of just rolling with whatever movement bumps my board. Keeping my knees bent and my body loose.

I really never do know what I'm going to get from my MLCer. Thursday he was talkative and friendly H when the guy came to get the tractor.
Saturday he was stressed and angry H with a narrow, negative outlook on everything that couldn't be swayed (but still able to vent to me).
Sunday I had to call because the lawnmower (once again) could not be started. I was greeted with a very happy "Happy Mother's Day!" . We then had a great talk about family and people we knew and "stuff". Of course, H was up at the vacation home and it was sunny, so why wouldn't he be happy? Then again, he was there the night before when he was super negative.

See? You just have to stay loose and deal with the rise, the fall, the random angled bumps...

He couldn't stop by but assured me he would come over today and it would start. He would mow and he even would help me with a house project I had been mentioning needing his help with. I acted like that was all fine...but here's the funny part. Old H was a weather nerd. Constantly looking at radar and weather info every day, all day. I knew we were supposed to have thunderstorms and rain today. So, was he oblivious? Or just saying he'd do it because he was feeling pressured and then going to blow it off last minute today?

Funny thing, though. It doesn't matter. My agent called to tell me she's going to present an offer on our house tonight. I texted H after she called and told him this and told him since he would be at the house anyway, she would do it then. He just texted back, "ok". Blowing it off is no longer an option. And since he is going to visit family over the weekend, if the lawnmower won't start, I'm going to hire someone to mow and then present the bill when he comes back...or at mediation since he is on record as saying he would help with maintenance and pay for repairs.

I feel mean doing that. But I get tired of this behavior, too. It is one thing to understand and not be angered all of the time by it. Its another to just put up with it. He tells me he goes to the vacation home and doesn't sit down...constantly working. There's really not a lot to do, maintenance-wise. He promised to help here. He hasn't really done ANYTHING since we listed the house. Promises to help and then doesn't. Unless I ask specifically (like make the mower work). He did apologize for everything we own having a "trick" to it to make it work.

Sigh. Who knows what goes on in his head.

[melweb]

Ummmmmm....do you really wanna know what goes on in his head!!??? Pretty sure its scary in there!

Congrats on your offer..hope it is what you looking for. Man, that was quick. Our house has been on the market for a year--no bites.

[Esame]

Congrats on getting an offer on the house, I hope it all goes well on that front.

I'm not sure I want to know what goes on in my H's head, I'm worried about what else I will find out. I'm still having "angry days" and I think if I was to get a totally honest account of what he is thinking, maybe I couldn't deal with that just yet.

[job]

Congratulations on the offer? Was it an offer that you can accept?

As for your h promising to help w/the maintenance and repairs...don't rely on him to do so. I don't believe that he's Mr. Handyman at the cabin. Sure, he may do something up there, but he's not busy. It's a place where he can go...sit quietly and just think. They say all sorts of things to make themselves look important and productive...bottom line, believe only half of what they tell you.

If the lawn mower won't start, it could be the battery. Do you recall when the last battery was put in? If the battery is over 2 years old. replace it. Very easy to do. Otherwise, hire someone to mow the lawn for you and I agree...present the bill to him.

I hope today is a good day for you.

[ciluzen]

He did come out early to help with the mower and another project. We were very easy with each other (easy, breezy).

Our offer was very close to our asking price. We countered and they accepted (all through the magic of email). H was very professional and together. There were a few very special pieces of furniture that the buyers wanted to stay with the house. That took me aback. H immediately reached out to touch my arm and told me I could say no. I kept saying I'd have to think about it. I must have looked shaken because he looked concerned and so did the real estate agent. Darn my expressive face! I decided later, it was just stuff. Just things with memories attached, like the house. They really did go perfectly with the house and were custom made. I let them go.

After the agent left, H looked at me and asked if I wanted to cry with him or alone. He had tears in his eyes. I was still fighting mine.

We planned this house after finding the perfect property, mostly wooded, but with a big field in front facing a beautiful view of fields, foothills, and our local mountains beyond. We worked on the plans for years with an architect well known for his use of natural light and open, flowing design. I made some of the tiles in the house. We handpicked accent logs, stonework, the natural greens and earth tones of the walls. Woodwork throughout. It was unique, warm, and comfortable. Everyone who visited loved our home. Our children were present and involved with almost every aspect from planning through building to furnishing (and "breaking it in"). Even some of their friends helped.

But it was symbolic of our marriage. As he started to turn away from "us", he stopped wanting to work on the house. He did the bare minimum in maintenance, while I took over more and more of the work. When he bought the vacation home, I worked on that, too. But I became the only caretaker of the house we lived in...all of his effort went to the other. The "fun" one. All of our plans for the one we built stopped, except for that which I felt I could do on my own.

So here we were last night facing the reality of not living here or even having the option. He told me, "I didn't expect it to sell." He told me, "I didn't think anyone would want it". He started asking me about the people that bought it (I had met them) and asked me what were their favorite things about the house. He was surprised to find out that they were older than we are, but not much. He brought up that because this was such an amazing real estate market for sellers here right now, that even if we were together we might have decided it was time to sell. This started a three hour R talk.

My take away from that...not sure. He was sad and tired. There were some revelations, both major and minor; some new understanding of past events; many "I'm sorries" on his part (I now dismiss those with "I understand you feel its important to say that"), and a lot of him just staring at me. I used to get uncomfortable and ask him questions when he did that. Last night I just waited him out.Let him gather his thoughts and speak first.

He told me he was owning all of the problems that caused the downfall of our marriage. I told him I would only allow him to own 50%...I own the other. And that I was, and had been, working on my issues and learning what I liked to do and what made me happy. Regardless of our status. It was for me and I was liking where it was getting me.

I then told him basically, this. "I plan on continuing with my journey of discovery of who I am and what I want; to try and remember the me before you. You once loved that person, and so did I. I think I'm starting to find her again. Could you ever see trying to work on a R with me, if I could let you be you again?" He asked, "you mean if you didn't make me feel like s$%t for doing things that make me happy?" I said, "yeah. If I let you be you". He said, "I don't know." I then said, "I'm having a hard time letting go of you and am willing to do the hard work because I think you're worth it." He had been trying to leave until this last volley, and started to again. He stopped just out of my sight and told me, "that was a very nice thing to say." He paused and then we said our goodnights. He called me a half our later to tell me he made it home. We said goodnight again.

I wonder if he thinks about the things I say the way I think about the things he says? He seemed to actually be listening and clarifying misconceptions. But there's so much guilt. I don't know if he can trust me to not make him feel worse. That would be a stumbling block for him. Not so much for me. I'm busy working on me. But he's not happy right now. Even with out me. And he knows it.

As for the house? I will miss it. But the people who are buying it will love it. And I have pictures and memories. Its all just "stuff".

[bttrfly]

your attitude is very very positive. this strikes very close to home for me so that's all i've got. hugs xoxoxo