Why is Raven black?

[HaWho]

Ciluzen - just want to pop in and wish you good karma tomorrow.

Kudos to you on how much you have accomplished in the midst of all the chaos that has been hurled your way! Wow. It takes so much work to prepare a house for sale and you did it with tremendous dignity, especially given the circumstances.

Hope you get some much deserved rest.

[job]

I'm glad things went well yesterday w/the house showing. I am finding that people want homes these days, but they don't want the outside upkeep, especially if it is landscaped beautifully and lots of lawns.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way and hopefully someone will come along today and put a bid in to purchase your home.

[inpain]

Hi Ciluzen, just checking in to see how things are going.

[ciluzen]

Thanks, everyone, for checking in and wishing me well.

I find myself needing others a lot right now. I'm not sure why, but I'm back to feeling very down and alone. I have grown some supportive friendships, and my older daughter has been very good at being there for me (and I for her, as she is going through her own stresses), but I'm battling not longing for H again. I'm having a hard time trying to stay in the moment. I'm back to worrying about the future and rehashing the good and bad of the past.

I'm trying to be NC with H. He did call last week from work to see how the photo shoot went and was pleasant enough on the phone. But then...nothing. I wasn't done with house projects and maintenance (which he said he'd help with), but he seems to have checked out. I wonder if that had something to do with his grumpy demeanor the weekend I was going through videos? Can't read his mind. Anyway, I heard nothing from him, so I just worked on the house myself in between showings. On Sunday I finally had to call and tell him I could not start the riding mower. He was walking in a "roadrace" that we always did together as runners. I had chosen not to do it, as getting the house stuff done was a priority. I immediately assumed he was walking it with Bubbles as she would walk it while we ran. Got myself into a tizzy, thinking "how will he ever miss me if he always falls back to her!?" But he didn't...he chose to do it 2 days before with the lady from the office that I spent New Years with because her partner dropped out last minute. I am so not detached. Little moments like this remind me that I've still got a ways to go in that area.

He came over to help, apologizing for not doing some things to it to make sure it ran. I had him walk me through those things so that I could manage it myself. He kept making eye contact, and looking at my with his head cocked to the side with a half smile. Another version of H? Must have been the endorphins from his walk. I had noticed he had paint cans in the back of his car and asked about a project he had mentioned at the vacation home. I wondered if he was going up to complete that. He was not going up, though (I'm on the way) so I just complimented him on the color choice and told him that it would look great. He only came up to help with the mower...didn't offer to mow and I didn't ask. A change in our dynamic.

After that whole exchange, something clicked. I mowed by myself. I then, instead of just leaving by myself while the house was shown, drove up my next door neighbors driveway and asked her if she wanted to go someplace with me(her husband works away from home for weeks at a time). We had a great time. I never would have done that before.

Then yesterday instead of hiring someone to come out and fix our central vac issues, I went to the center and bought the parts and had them explain how to install them. I now have a functioning plug (that one hadn't worked in three years) and the head doesn't make a horrible noise anymore. Did it myself and saved a few hundred on service call and labor!

This is, as my real estate agent says, an odd year for real estate. I have had a showing every day of my house, which means I have to leave for an hour or two on weekends or if its after work. Not getting much accomplished at those times. I guess I need to go to the library, then.

Feedback has been good...people love the house, the view, the property. Only negatives were personal preferences (ie, shop too small, view not "big" enough, too much landscaping). I guess its rare to have this much interest in this price range, but I'll take it! At the same time, it makes me realize how much I'm going to miss it. I have to remind myself; it is too big, too far away from town, too much work for me alone. I need to "get excited" again at the idea of being closer to people and shopping, and about creating a smaller more easily managed home. Transitions!

Anyway. Once again, wordy wordy me has written a book.But my journaling has helped.
I'm learning to be more self reliant. My confidence is very slowly building. I'm digging in on relationships with those who are supportive and distancing a bit from those who were initially attracted to the drama of my situation (there were only a few) and trying to forget about those who I thought were friends but couldn't show up when I needed them. I'm trying to live more in the moment...hard to do, but maybe I'll get there.
I'm trying to detach from H, but that is hard after 26 years. I relied on him for a lot for a long time. It is tough to be rejected and yet still have that person be connected to you. But NC, with a few hiccups, is going to get easier I think, as I learn to do things more and more on my own.
sigh.
It will get easier?

[job]

Trying to mind read can drive you batty...but we all have been there and done that. Detaching takes lots of time and patience and you'll get there. NC takes time too. In this case, he was inquiring as to the photo shoot. You can't rely on him to be there to assist you. He's off in is own little world and whatever strikes his fancy will take his full attention away from what he actually needs to be doing.

I think you did an excellent job of troubleshooting a few things around your home. Fixing those things should give you a lot of satisfaction and now you know that if you have to do something again, ask a sales rep at the store on go on line and check out some of the sites that can walk you thru the steps in record time.

Now about Bubbles...she's just that...a bubble and one day, she will pop and disappear. However, for now, she's just floating around being a crutch to his crisis and she's not the prize...YOU ARE!

I think it's wonderful that you asked a neighbor to go do something w/you. It got both of you away from the area for a bit and you had some fun. You'll have to do this again very soon.

Your home will sell, but it might take a little bit of time to do so. Kids are still in school and the closer you get to the end of the school year, the nibbles will start to come in more often. I, on the other hand, hope that you get an offer very, very soon.

Yes, NC will get easier. Patience and time are on your side.

[ciluzen]

Thanks, Job, for the feedback and wisdom. I needed that.

So far, NC has been good this week. I've been busy. I did see H called the other day (caller ID), but I was out taking a self defense class (Krav Maga-pretty intense!). He didn't leave a message or try my cell phone, so it must not have been important.

It was my second class and I met some nice people, including a tall, nice looking guy my age. I'm allowing myself to notice that, now. I used to brag that I never looked at another man because I only had one that mattered in my life. Even the husbands in our "social group" were kept at arms length. No phone calls unless necessary to them, as in only if I was babysitting and they were picking up. I've told my daughter that I wouldn't date until quite a bit after the D...no one deserves to be a rebound and I'm sure I will be a bit of a mess. She keeps telling me that I should date (her way of dealing with break-ups before she got married). Nope. I'm still married and I believe what I said above. But I think its ok to look and practice my "social skills", right?

I had one thought as I explored the idea of other men in my future. I feel, as so many others on this board have expressed, that I don't know the man my H is right now. He still shows some of the same traits (kindness, concern, helpfulness, in charge attitude); but they are weakened or forced seeming. Not true or real. Was he always this way? Am I seeing things right? I loved that he was an Eagle Scout when he was a teen- his father and brothers all were, too. He LIVED the scout law and was adamant about it. To be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. I was not a scout (obviously), but he was on the board in our hometown and complained about how many Eagle Scout contenders couldn't recite the Scout Law during the interview process. Early on in our marriage, he fit all of those descriptions. Now? Not so much. I wonder if he even realizes how much he's changed?

On the house front, there has been a showing every day of the house. Two yesterday. The feedback has all been good and, in fact, my agent said that one of the showings (her clients) will probably end up in an offer. Fingers crossed.

It is a painful thought, moving from here, but it is going to happen. It has to happen. I can almost picture living elsewhere, but due to all of the unknowns, I just have a shadowy dream-view that keeps shifting and changing as I get new info from my daily thoughts, activities, and explorations. So many questions and so few answers right now.

I can do this because I have to.

[job]

Your h is aware that something isn't quite right about himself, but he doesn't know what it is or has had the time to really focus on himself. The person you interact w/today is the exact opposite (mirror image) of the one you were married to. You have to remember that they need to tear down/destroy everything good in their past lives in order to face the demons, accept the things that they couldn't change as young adults and start to grow up. Hopefully, if he wakes up, he comes out a more mature and settled man. Some do change for the better and others will maintain some of their mlc traits once they are back on Earth...but no one knows until that time comes around who he will be.

Sit quietly, the answers will come.

[ciluzen]

I am taking your advice, Job. I will sit quietly when it comes to H. I will work on me and figure out who I am.

Tonight, however, I'm going to 180 something. Back around Christmas, I decided to try to forgive Bubbles for her part in this mess. I apologized to her for locking myself in my room at our vacation home often during get togethers (mostly her friends). I explained that it hurt me to watch my H, who I loved very much, gravitate toward her as he was distancing from me. I apologized for any animosity she might have felt from me. She said she felt NONE; that she just thought I didn't like her friends that she invited up. There was never an apology. I never brought up the fact that I knew she spent (at least) most of a weekend alone with my H. After much thought later, I decided I was through being nice and acting like her friend. She either didn't know or didn't care about her behavior. Something was wrong with her. Either way, she was no one I wanted to continue a friendship with.

So, H called this morning to let me know that he would be at the house helping one of her friends (someone he seems to enjoy) borrow our tractor and loading it onto a trailer. Old me would have stayed in the house and not interacted. New me is going to go out and be friendly; offer to help even. Why not be friendly to someone I supposedly "didn't like" (I was very nice to everyone she had brought up). And then I will go on doing my own thing after they are gone. I have a lot to do, after all.

Also, H informed me awhile ago that he is going down to visit his brothers and parents next weekend. When he told me, he explained that he was very stressed as his brothers had a falling out and don't speak to each other. He was worried about offending one by spending time with the other. He's such a middle child- always trying to make everyone happy at his own expense. His achilles heel. It should be an interesting trip for him. I wonder if he was trying to transfer the stress about seeing his parents (mom's alzheimers) to something more "acceptable"? Who knows.

[inpain]

Hi Ciluzen! Firstly, thank you so much for visiting my thread! You have given me so much to think about, I only hope I can find the strength to carry out what I know needs to be done!

Love your 180 idea for Bubbles' friend!

Interesting that your H is still using you as his 'sounding board' when he is stressed about something. I wonder if our WAHs even realise how attached they still are to us, even though they would deny it most vehemently it it were pointed out! I think it shows how inside themselves they are during this MLC, that they find it appropriate to expect someone they have hurt so much to listen to their issues when they've 'sacked' us as that person to lean on!

I truly am in awe of how well you handle your interactions with your H. I am struggling to interact with mine at the moment and have taken to busying myself in another room again, like in the beginning, to avoid having to do so!

Do you have any nice plans for the weekend?

[melweb]

Hi Cil. How are you? You sound like you're handling the current state of affairs with aplomb.