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ciluzen Offline OP
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Thanks Job. Still not sure about how good my work is. I'm just muddling through like everyone else. It has been very hard having so much contact with H. I almost start to feel "normal" with him and then something said or done will jolt me back to reality. As much as I have on my mind and try to live my own life right now, this does cause me to think about him and miss "having" him as my H.

I did call and tell our agent that she could have the photographer out on Monday. Then it can be out there on the market, for sale sign up and everything. After that its just a matter of maintaining the house. My job.

I ended up taking the day off yesterday, just to try to get more done. H came out in the afternoon to help me put up a few fence rails...we drove in to town together for supplies and chatted about things.

He had been up at the vacation home again last night. He asked me what I wanted to do with my kayak. He was worried that if I left it up there that "everyone" would want to use it and it would get broken or ruined. He said he thought of hiding it or telling people it was off limits, but he didn't want to police the situation (or unspoken, be the bad guy). He said he wanted me to have it...to want to have it. That brought about mixed feelings.

While it was a nice gesture (I will take it...its mine), it also made it clear that I would not be there when others were there. No more watching the kids play and playing with them. No more being "fun auntie C". I know he was trying to protect something I cared about, but H doesn't realize how much that drove home what I would no longer have in my life that I really enjoyed.

He called later as he was getting home. He thanked me for all I had done to ready the house and for all of my hard work in general. He kept telling me thank you for paying our taxes. And then at the end he sort of trailed off and said thank you for putting up with me. That was a phrase he used when telling me why he felt unloved by me. That I only tolerated and PUT UP WITH HIM. I glossed over that at the time and just thanked him for helping me with... everything.

Then I started overthinking. Which led me to call him later. He didn't answer. When he called back he told me he had turned his ringer off and had fallen asleep in front of his tv. I don't think he had ever turned his ringer off when we were together. whatever. I brought up his comment about "putting up with him" and told him I never put up up with him...I did things with him because I cared for him. (I know...major pursuing behavior). He paused, then said he was talking about how he had been consistently showing up much later than he had been saying he would. His tardiness. ugh. whatever.

Yes, I still have a long haul in the detaching area. He still has his struggle, but I guess I'm afraid that even when we aren't working on the house together, I may not have mattered enough for him to EVER feel my loss when I'm gone. We have fun and are comfortable together, but what does that mean to someone who is convinced I just tolerate him?


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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Originally Posted By: ciluzen

Yes, I still have a long haul in the detaching area. He still has his struggle, but I guess I'm afraid that even when we aren't working on the house together, I may not have mattered enough for him to EVER feel my loss when I'm gone. We have fun and are comfortable together, but what does that mean to someone who is convinced I just tolerate him?


Ciluzen, please don't be too hard on yourself. You have detached amazingly in a relatively short period of time. This stuff is hard! I'm sure your WAH will feel the loss some day. I hope they all will! I only hope it's not too late when they do. The way you handle every interaction with your WAH and the way you're out there finding yourself again is such an inspiration to me, and I'm sure many others on here. Keep doing what you're doing, you're amazing! x


M-43 H-42
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Bombshell 9/17/15
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Hi Ciluzen - I see a theme with your h's constant apologizing and his "you only tolerate/put up with me" comments. I am wondering if this could be projection from childhood? Hmm. It seems he's looking for something by bringing it up constantly?

Kudos to you for taking care of you and for hitting the books again. In general, I find the website Kahn Academy to be great for refreshers!

Hope you are managing to get some rest as preparing a house for sale is a tremendous amount of work.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Oops - typo: I meant Khan Academy.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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ciluzen Offline OP
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Hawho-That IS one of the refresher sites I'm using! It has been great for filling in holes in my knowledge and understanding. I'm doing better than I thought I would with the recall, too.

I do feel there are quite a few childhood issues that he is (hopefully) dealing with. I know his family and there are some interesting issues. Not things most people outside of the "inner circle" would see. But things that have affected him and how he deals with his emotions and communication. I do think the path I am choosing right now is the right one, given his behavior and what I'm seeing in him.

I am just trying to focus on me and what I need, but I want to be available (not at his beck and call, but when on my own timeline) when he needs to talk...I think he is trying to work through some issues and by giving him an ear I think that helps.

I will admit I am plagued by a few things. One is his ladyfriend. He has started mentioning talking to her husband more ("we" own a house with them) and will bring up working with him on projects at the vacation home. He has stopped bringing up her name to me, something he often did before (ie, "Bubbles" said such and such or "Bubbles" was doing this and that). And the few communications I have received from her were from the "Smith" FAMILY (a birthday card, a "thinking of you" TM after H told his staff he had filed. I still have a fantasy of confronting her with how much time she spent with him and what I know about the weekend she spent time with him. I don't think she knows that I have knowledge of that.

The other thing is, I am exhausted. I'm trying to pack everything up to make our house less cluttered and cleaner for sale. I've been painting. It is a large house. I feel that I'm doing 95% of the work plus trying to create a future that is ALL changes (school, job, income, living arrangements, new friendships I HAVE to nurture) and he isn't really helping. The energy keeping that pity party at bay is tiring, as well.

Anyway, at least I can back off on the house stuff a bit after the photographer comes. Just venting a bit today.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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ciluzen Offline OP
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I'm focusing too much on H, right now. As I've said, I have a lot of contact with him while getting the house ready. I need his help, it has allowed me to see his behavior, demeanor, discuss his thoughts and feelings, etc. And him to see me and how I behave, what I'm doing, and what he's giving up (the house and property and "stuff"). But it also means he's on my schedule (although he is admittedly bad at keeping to what he says) and often on my mind.

So, some journaling. I decided (against some poster's advice) to keep my checkup appointment with him. Now does not feel like the right time to quit his office and make that statement. I started dreading it because my anger with his ladyfriend has grown again even though at one point I tried to forgive and let go, and she works at his office during the time my appointment was scheduled. I'm glad I went. She was, for some reason, not there that day. The other three ladies have been supportive and communicative with me on their personal time, but I hadn't seen them since they came to my birthday over a month ago. They were so warm and welcoming and very happy to see me!
H came in and joked around and did the exam, but I got the feeling that while he was being professional and treating me like every other long term familiar patient, he was a little awkward. Apprehensive? After my appointment all three ladies took time to stand around and catch up with me (talk of kids and family, recent activities, etc). Then H came over with pen and paper and started asking me what I needed him to do at the house this weekend. Mood dampener (way to bring up the impending house sale and state of our marriage!)I answered quickly then turned my back on him to go back to talking with the ladies. He sort of stood there, took a step forward, then a step back like he was going to say something, then hustled out of the room. We talked a bit more, then we said our goodbyes and I left.

The next day, he called to say he was on his way out to help with the house. He has been only really wanting to do outside work but it was raining. I reiterated that I needed help inside. I also brought up that I was going through old video that was unlabeled and that some were home movies of the kids that were pretty cute. He said he had no interest in seeing them; he was too busy (fair enough). When he was here he kept coming in to watch, though. I would pop in video, see what was on it, and go do another task as it played, then label it accordingly. I'd like to transfer them to DVD before they break. There are mostly just snippets and a few long ones. He made comments about how he remembered or didn't remember things.
Memory issues are a big worry to him with what is going on with his mother. He finally has been sharing that with me more. The videos seemed to trigger something in him, though. I had to leave after a few hours (we did manage some yard work together) so he left to go then, as well. I got almost 0 eye contact all day. He seemed preoccupied and tired again.

On a lighter note, my Special Olympics soccer team did great! So much fun! It rained hard on us before our games, but then cleared up. Such great kiddos. Lots of joy. D25 called to say that next game, she would come watch and be our team photographer. Looking forward to that.

I relaxed and had a pleasant night when I got home, but I had one more video to watch before bed. It was the one my sister's XH shot after our wedding and during the reception. I hadn't seen it in years. Saw so many people who I've lost touch with or who have passed on. We looked so young. I realized my mom and H's dad were only one year older than H is now. His mom was younger than H. It was nice, but bitter sweet. I can't believe how beautiful my H was. How he kept kissing me every few minutes. Not me kissing him every few minutes. I was interacting with all of my friends...talking and talking and smiling...Wow. Total role reversal later. And his family had almost almost no interaction with me or my family, or even very much with H. His older brother ws always close by, but although I saw his parents in many of the frames, they were not really looking our or his way or even talking to him. His younger brother was a groomsman and he doesn't even appear anywhere in the video...even when the rest of the wedding party is shown. I wonder if this was a "punishment" (they thought we should not have our big wedding because I was 3 months pregnant). I've said before, his family punishes...psychologically and by withholding.

Anyway, interesting to watch. Sorry for the book again. Just one of those weekends when I'm focusing too much on H.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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Hi Ciluzen, just checking in on you. Sorry you've had a rough weekend where you've found yourself focusing on H too much. I think it is very hard when we're still having so much contact with them! It is so much easier when we are young and a boyfriend finishes with us and we can avoid them like the plague for ever.

You may not feel it, but you still sound incredibly strong to me! To be able to face H so often while doing the house, and to be able to watch videos and look at photos from happier times shows a great strength!

Great news about your soccer team! You're such an amazing lady!


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ciluzen Offline OP
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Thanks, IP. I needed to hear that. I really have had a downer weekend (except soccer and visiting with a friend). Its been an "I miss old H" weekend. I just can't pull out of it.

After telling me as he was leaving yesterday that he would call last night or this morning to let me know when he would arrive today, he was a no-show with NC by 3:00pm. I really needed his help on some things. So I called. He was less than happy to hear from me, it seemed, but said he would come.

I got a grumpy negative H. No eye contact, very little talk, no jokes, no smile. I can't even say he seemed tired. He just seemed irritated or simmering with a dash of "I give up". I wanted to ask if he was mad at me for something, but... well, duh. We're divorcing! I just cleaned a bit while he mowed and worked on a few things, tried to be light and breezy but it was hard with Mr Negative Nelly. He complained about dandelions and dust. I don't usually see this version of H. No mask whatsoever. Just pure depression? I don't like this guy.

Back to work tomorrow. In every way. I think I can back off on the contact a bit more now that the major projects are done. The house should photograph very well. Then we will wait and see what will happen next.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Citizen it sounds to me like you are doing really well. It must be really hard with all the work in the house and everything else, so please try to ignore his recent negativity.

You must be rally pleased that all major projects in the house are done, maybe you can reduce contact now.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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ciluzen Offline OP
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I still have a few projects, but I don't think I will ask for his help. I will breath a little more easily once I get the "for sale" sign up.
I really love this house. I think H does, too. One of the videos he did see on Saturday was of the construction. It was very obvious how much work we put in as a family. I noticed that yesterday he looked out at our view a lot. There are some major losses here. Not just financial.

While being negative yesterday, he did get some digs in on a daughter. Mentioned that she only visits him when she needs money. He had a rough relationship with her as she was growing up- they are both stubborn and always "right". It seemed they were closer after his relationship with older D started having trouble (when she got engaged, started getting tattoos). His sense of loss and depression must be huge right now.

I wish I could help him more to work through it all. He's either blaming him, me, or ...I don't know. Its all mind reading. This is for him to work through and I need to let him.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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