Why is Raven black?

[ciluzen]

So, time for a new thread.

Here's the old one:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2657404#Post2657404

One of my favorite stories is the Native American tale of how Raven stole the sun and brought light to the people of the world. Before, they lived in darkness, feeling their way around and living off of what ever they came across. They were always cold and unhappy; unenlightened, if you will. So, when Raven stole the fiery sun for his own trickster reasons and dropped it in the sky when it got too hot to hold onto, he unintentionally helped the people to live a better life. Not because he was trying to be helpful or self sacrificing. No altruism here.
Raven used to be white, but by carrying the sun in his beak, he was burned black. His children and grandchildren were forever marked by his deed, as every future raven would become black, as well.

So many lessons in one little story.

I write my gratitudes and journal daily, now. Today I have written, I'm thankful for my H's MLC.

Am I crazy?!!

Well, now. Let's see. Before bomb drop, I was floating through life in a marriage that I knew had some issues that were there, but mostly dealt with in bursts of anger (on my part) but then swept aside by H. He didn't deal with them and, other than voicing my dissatisfaction, neither did I.

Before bomb drop I was lonely and felt that I didn't really have any friends. Just people to attend functions with. But no one to share intimacies with (other than H). I was verrrrrry unhappy, but dealing with it by becoming codependent.

Before bomb drop I felt the need to do things with my life, but didn't know what. My life so revolved around H that I had forgotten who I was and had stopped growing.

Before bomb drop, I had resigned myself to feeling like a failure because I had not achieved my educational and career goals. I felt incomplete.

Before bomb drop I felt unappreciated for all that I did running the household and finances.
I felt weak, drained, depressed and unattractive.

Unintentionally, H has "freed" me. I've lost a ton of weight (not literally), found my interests, found friends to share them with, found my strengths, am trying to go back to school to create and further my career, and, most of all...H's MLC has allowed me to grow my patience, compassion, and understanding of what others maybe going through that causes them to act in what I perceived to be negative ways.
{Most people don't purposefully do things to cause others pain and discomfort. They are just trying to ease their own.}

For forcing me on this journey, I am thankful.

Now, for our dinner together...after thinking about it, its just another weirdness.
He was feeling sad, frustrated, depressed, overwhelmed...like a failure. He was sad that we had to sell all of our stock to pay taxes.
He was down on himself because he didn't get onto our drywall guy about getting the job done when he said he would (its still not done) while the contractor I hired to do some bigger repairs was already done.
He (I think) is being sad that I started pushing him to tell me what things he wants to keep so that I don't pack them for me or sell them. I think the idea of this being real is hitting him now.
I also told him I would like to know what type of relationship he thinks we will have after D, since he seemed to be taken aback that I wouldn't feel free to use our vacation home, which he wants to keep. He said "I haven't really thought about that, that far".
Anyway, he was having trouble on Monday. Since he doesn't label his feelings well, he was having a "pessimistic" day. I validated, tried to help him label his feelings better, and mostly listened. Then he just asked me if I was busy that night because he was hungry and wanted to go out to dinner, but didn't want to eat alone.So I drove 20 min into town. We ate, talked, had a good time. And then went to our homes. All so completely...friendly.

[kml]

I could have written the same first half of your post. The changes that my ex's affair, our successful reconciliation, and his subsequent departure several years later in MLC forced me into, have been the greatest growth experiences of my life.

I was happy in my life before the bombs, but I can be comfortable in a rut. And I was so busy twisting myself into a pretzel to keep my difficult H happy and care for our 3 wonderful but difficult kids, that there was little left over for me.

I learned to take chances despite my cautious nature, I learned not to settle for less than being cherished in a relationship (which my boyfriend now definitely does), I made new friends, I learned to play the drums at 53 and now play in a pop-punk cover band (our next gig is next week ). I'm free to do the things that I am interested in. (I was always willing to try my ex's things but he was never willing to try my things.)

And yes, I learned to maintain compassion towards him even though he has been quite the jerk on many occasions since our divorce. (Word to the wise - if you can get a lump sum distribution in a divorce in lieu of alimony, take it! My ex is so pissed about paying me alimony after 24 years of marriage - and so bad at math and taxes that he apparently has been laboring under the delusion that he's paying me 25% of his income instead of 11% of his after-tax income - that he has taken every opportunity to shift costs onto me when it comes to our kids, to the tune of almost $100k. I imagine our relationship would be a lot friendlier right now if I could have taken a lump sum, but that wasn't possible at the time.)

Yet I am able to see how damaged and unhappy a person he is, and I'm grateful to be me, not him.

This opportunity for personal growth is really what DBing is all about.

[Rouky]

Thank you Kml for this. It is what I needed to hear tonight! Thank you to show that there is life after all this ordeal and that we can be happy again :-)

[melweb]

Thanks Cil and kml. Beautifullly said.

I am not as far along as either of you, but I feel this is happening for a reason as well. While, at first, I was sure this was the wake up call our M needed, as our M was less than stellar. I was angry and bitter; he was angry and stressed. I have come a long way since BD. Now, I have no idea what the reason is or will be, but I will be ok. With or without him.

The constant up and downs, ins and outs, have def taken an emotional toll, but I try to remain true to myself. And my kids. S15 said I was a great mom tonite, in front of one of his friends. That made me feel pretty darn good. I am blessed.

Cil-- I think you are doing a remarkable job. Hang in there girl!!

[ciluzen]

Hey, Mel. That's awesome that your S15 would say that...especially in front of a fellow teen! And remaining true to yourself will probably bring about more respect from your kids.

Thank you for the compliment. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm doing so well. H came over today while I was doing a 5k and went through his pile of stuff in the downstairs bedroom. H took about 1/2, including the container with his wedding ring. He has never worn it (except at the wedding)...he just wasn't a jewelry person. Mine was stolen 6 years ago when our house was robbed...I had stopped wearing it during "gardening season". Aren't we a pair? I wonder if he even noticed it.

Tomorrow I'm doing another 5k (accidental scheduling), but he will be here in the afternoon. We don't have too much left to do before officially listing the house. I will feel a little less stressed when that happens. I feel like I'm going 15 ways at once with that, GAL and trying to go back to school.

Its funny. For someone who doesn't want to hurt me anymore (his reason for filing D), he sure has hurt me. For someone who keeps saying he doesn't want me to change, he sure has made it so I had to. For someone who said he doesn't need or like me, he sure has asked for my help, listening ear, and companionship a lot lately. I guess it really goes to show we really should only believe 1/2 of what they do and nothing they say.

[inpain]

Hi Ciluzen

You sound like you're doing so well at this - you're amazing! I can see why you wrote that you are thankful for H's MLC in the senses that it has led to you finding yourself again. If only we could find ourselves and keep our Hs at the same time.

I also told him I would like to know what type of relationship he thinks we will have after D, since he seemed to be taken aback that I wouldn't feel free to use our vacation home, which he wants to keep. He said "I haven't really thought about that, that far".

This sounds exactly like my H! If I had a pound for every time he has given me the answer, "I haven't really thought about that, that far."!!!!!!!!!!! Do they do ANY thinking at all about the major, destructive, issue they have created?!?! I find it incredulous that they destroy everything that was their life and do no thinking about it, or the future consequences, whatsoever! It is so frustrating.

It seems like a good sign that he chose to ask you to dinner when he was feeling down. I'm sure there have been many other times since your S that he has felt down and he didn't ask you to dinner then. As you say, it is so true that we should believe half of what they say and do.

[bttrfly]

in the case of my H, he has said that "eventually" we will be happy and in relationships with other people, he hopes ... said in the trailing off voice of someone who isn't really sure that even they buy the hogwash they are selling others ...

i think one of the key factors in all of this is that they have no impulse control and just flop about, flying by the seat of their pants. That's why it's so important for us LBSes to focus on GAL and ourselves, so we aren't at the mercy of the MLCers' rampant insanity.

xoxoxo

[job]

ciluzen,

A very well written posting and it's true, many of the stories/tales that we read about as children or even as adults have many lessons for us to learn...we just have to read them and then think about them for a bit and we will finally see the lessons in them. I had never read this particular one about the Raven and I want to thank you for sharing it w/us.

You've come a long way in such a short amount of time. We all are so very lost in the beginning and can't see 2 ft in front of us, however, in time, we learn how to DB and move forward and with moving forward comes the awakening of ourselves and what we put on hold many years ago can now be revisited again. I know that people get very frustrated hearing "keep the focus on you", "be kind to yourself" and "be patient", but these comments are very important to each and every poster when they come here and they do eventually get it and come to realize that MLC gives us a chance to really look at ourselves, our situations and yes, even to change the things that we can change for ourselves. We really do have the "gift of time" on our side.

Your posting is spot on and thank you for sharing your thoughts and what has come to light for you as you continue on your journey.

[ciluzen]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, support and sharing of your own stories that echo my own.

IP, it is sometimes amazing that they don't seem to think about the future. I think they do think about it, though. They think about it in terms of what they want to change to create their fantasy future with no problems. All else is background noise.

And yes, Bttrfly, my H has said the same thing about me finding another that I could be happy with. He doesn't realize that I was happy with him until he started acting in ways the put me last on his list.

Job, I always look forward to your posts. You always have a way of looking at what is posted and either give supportive feedback or raise interesting questions that cause me to think a little harder about what I've said or done...tweaking my route on the journey a bit.

As for my thoughts for today, I'm a little stiff from two 5ks, house painting, and cutting up slash piles (dead trees and branches) from storm damage in our corrals with H.

He came by Saturday morning and took 1/2 of his stuff while I was gone. He then talked to me a few more times. Then as he was heading back from the vacation home from dropping his stuff there, he called again. I was painting our daughter's room so he stopped by for a look. It was a tough thing to do at first, because I had painted murals on her walls (Harry Potter scenes) that our real estate agent had suggested might not appeal to some buyers. They were kind of wild, LOL.
He kept stopping to stare at the rest of his stuff or out the window. He commented once that "this is a really big house" (?) and that he had more stuff than he thought he had in the guest room. I'm not sure what was going on in his head to make those comments. I just agreed.

He came out the next day and loaded up the rest of the stuff while I painted some more and then we started in on the forest/corral. We talked about the kids and a patient he saw while I was doing my race that morning. She had dementia. I asked about his mom and tried to allow him to share his feelings about her and her alzheimers. He's not good at that. I let him know I cared about his parents and wanted to be kept in the loop about them; also our elderly neighbors at our vacation home. Talked about his brothers. He's stressed because they don't like each other and he is going to travel the week after mother's day to see his family and he wants to see both of them, but not upset either by doing so. Lots of opportunity to let him share worries and help him sort his feelings. He again spoke of his money/business stresses. I asked if I was stressing him and he said "no! You've been magnificent; painting, managing contractors and real estate agent..." I'm magnificent.

When he was heading out I chanced it and put my arms out for a hug...I got a good one back. Not stand offish or tense. Almost like an "old H" bear hug. I made sure he knew it was a "thank you for helping today" hug.

Well, life is like a box of chocolates...

[job]

Yes, life is like a box of chocolates...but I've become very selective as I get old on which pieces I choose to eat! The same applies to life as well...we have choices and hopefully we all will make the right ones as we travel the path of life. If not, we can always learn from our mistakes and then share w/others to help them avoid the road blocks along the way.

Keep up the good work!