W and kids stopped over this morning while I was having breakfast. She always looks so tired. She said they had plans for the day (d mentioned last night they had to stay out of the house all day but I didn't push the subject, quite strange though) and were going to go out to breakfast. The kids asked if there was any bacon, I told them no but told w I could make some if she wanted. She said sure, if you want to make them breakfast that is fine (I've always made weekend breakfasts for us). I asked if she wanted breakfast too but she declined after thinking about it s few seconds. We talked while I made breakfast and the kids ate.
During this time I offered to give her money for groceries or whatever since she had the kids most of the time, she said no she was doing fine and it started to be slightly awkward, but I just said I don't mean anything by it but the offer is on the table if you want it. She said thanks and we dropped it. I also asked about her dad and told her my sister was expecting. She told me to tell her congratulations then asked if I thought it was alright for her to let her know herself. I told her yes and that there were no ill feelings from my family. She scoffed and I told her "honey (whoops, it slipped) I have told them very little", which is true. I don't want her to feel she can never come back or want them to be judge mental. She looked relieved. We talked a little more and she asked if I wanted to go with them to a rock/fossil show where she was taking the kids to meet with son's friend's family. I told her I didn't want to interrupt her day but she said it was okay so I accepted. She cleaned a spot in her car while I ran to the bank. Omg she's trashing her car like a teenager. We had small talk and it went well but we did separate most of the time we were there but did talk a little while looking at some jewelry. She brought me back before they went to lunch but wasn't in a hurry or anything so I think it went well.
Still remembering to keep my expectations at zero but it was a nice morning.
Hi Kyh, I'm sorry about what you are going through. I'm in a similar situation with my husband. But the friendlier I behave the more surprised he is and it makes him avoid me even more. He shouted at me that at first he's the bad one and now I'm nice to him and he doesn't know what to expect. Since he says he wants our marriage to end and that's it, he is running away every time he's around me. So, I decided I will have no contact except e-mail about kids, very factual. I didn't contact him for a few days. Then he started to e-mail. He is coming to cook for kids today and take them to tennis. I'll make sure I won't be home before he comes. Our kids are teenagers which makes no contact (or rather very limited contact easier). What is your story? For how long this is going on? You must be a very nice person. My husband ignored Mother's Day. When I mentioned to him that he could at least say happy M's day as we spent the day together driving back home from a long weekend with the kids in our home country, he said he would even buy flowers and took us for dinner if he could be sure I didn't misundertand that as him wanting to be back with me!!! I personally cannot or don't want to be friends with my husband. Love him too much to be able to be friends. Especially that he sees himself married with 20 years younger girl (he is her boss) in the near future... Being friends would mean that he'll get the best from both worlds. So what would be his motivation to consider coming back?
Hi Bee,
I just saw you posted before my last reply. I'm sorry you found yourself here but you'll find a lot of good people going through the same or similar situations.
To answer your question, in a nutshell, I thought I had a great marriage so all this blind sighted me. We never argued, have two great kids, just moved to an area we had been trying to get to for awhile, bought a nice house, w just started working and things were looking good(in hindsight I can see we were in a bit of a rut though, but nothing to justify any of this. I can also see w has been depressed though, she's also dealing, or rather not dealing, with a medical issue).
At the end of last summer a friend of ours (mostly to w, I wasn't real close but her and I hung out quite a bit while she was pregnant and she stayed with us a few times, did her laundry at our house, etc.) died in an accident. It hit us both hard and I was depressed for awhile, even more so after BD which made it worse. Shortly after the accident, w started to distance from me, then told me I acted just like her parents (she didn't have a good childhood and this couldn't be further from the truth) and it just kept getting worse from there. The way I found this forum is searching several of the things she told me in one search and it was the first thing to come up. Basically before I found this place and the books, I was doing everything wrong, begging, pleading, etc. and it was making it worse. She said I was smothering and at the same tell me I was distant. lots of crazy talk. There was no winning. For example, buying flowers would get her mad at me, try to be close and she'd run, give her space and she'd stay out partying. Plus she was projecting on me big time and it was making me crazy (my IC picked up on that right away). She would say how terrible I was and then turn around and say I deserved better than her. Just nuts. Everything going on matched up exactly with the MLC descriptions here and in the DR book. W wouldn't go to counseling, everything is my fault, etc. etc. I guess that's the gist of it, I could ramble for days about the things I was told and what she's done. The more you read the more you'll see common themes (e.g. death, childhood issues, fear of aging).
At this point I really don't know what I'm doing. I just know what I was doing wasn't working so I'm trying something new. But I do know if I would have tried this a month or two ago she would've ran further. The MLCer is so hard to deal with. IDK if I should be giving any advice but reach deep in and look for patience, read the DR book and about the LBS stages and MLC stages and other homework, listen to Job, and take in as much as you can from everyone here but don't forget to take care of yourself first.
Thank you for the compliment and sorry you got ignored on Mother's Day, no mother deserves that. I'm sure you've seen it's a common theme from the MLCer reading the posts. I think it really threw my w when I was nice on Mother's day as she has been extra awful to me on holidays.
I completely understand how you feel about loving your h too much to be just friends and having the best of both worlds. The advice I was given was to not let the OW take up space in my mind (easier said than done I know) and work on myself. Be a woman he'd be a fool to leave and an example to your kids.
I hope this helps, sending positive vibes your way.
^I forgot the part of my story where she lined pillows up down the middle of the bed (I think this is when OM came into picture), then moved into the basement for a few months, and then moved out while I was out of town. How'd I forget that? lol
Interestingly, tonight my sister got a hold of me to ask about w contacting her to see what was up. She said she texted to tell her congratulations and that they texted quite a bit and that they had a nice conversation. She was really taken back as w distanced from my family one by one. I told her a little about what was up lately and just told her to be herself and not worry about it. I was surprised she actually had a conversation and didn't just say congratulations. W called me again tonight after I talked to the kids too just to tell me what they were doing and to apologize for them not talking long. I kept it short and told her thanks for calling and thanks again for inviting me this morning.
Kyh, So sorry to hear all that! Your story is very similar to mine. We also just achieved what we wanted and planned for years (reconstruction of the house so kids can have their own floor and everyone has more privacy, buying slightly bigger apartment in our home country where we return on regular basis, so kids have their own room & don't protest when we want to spend weekend there). We could go for dinner just the two of us w/o paying sitters to be with the kids, we built a fireplace which we always wanted etc. Well, we did not enjoy it together for long... Though my husband moved out (on my request) when I was at home (still reproaches to me that I "kicked him out" and he did not have enough time to look for an appropriate accommodation, which is not true BTW) I am afraid he will move his remaining stuff (which is still a lot) while I will be away for 4 days at the end of this month and he will come to stay with the kids in our house. I'm sure it'll hurt me when I come back and will see those empty shelves but there is not much I can do. And it's maybe better when we don't see them moving out, isn't it? Like you, I also had pillows between us. It's strange that they do it. He could sleep in the guest room if he wanted. I just don't understand that. My husband was also avoiding my family (guilt?) but then was extremely happy when they sent him a card and a present for his 50th b-day.
I can see that just like me you are trying to have 0 expectation but then are happy for any smaller or bigger gesture/action that shows some emotion from them. I noticed that even my son pays attention to those. My son told me the other day, did you notice that dad called you "darling" again. I did notice, also noticed how surprised and uncomfortable it made him. But, for a second there, it made me happy... I just need to learn not to read much into it. And, if you saw my thread, I'm now going to apply as strictly as possible no contact. So I won't have many opportunities to get those small things from him. But I found that I'm much more balanced when I don't see him. We'll see how long it will last. Wish you all the best and a lot of strength to get through it. Will follow your story & will hope with you for the best.
Hi again, I reread through your thread but thought I'd post here again. Again, I'm sorry for your situation, I know how hard this is for both for you and you sons. My parents separated several times while I was growing up so I've kind of felt this from different angles in a way even though idt their's were mlc. I always swore I would never let it happen to me and my family from a young age, unfortunately we can only do so much and have no control over others and here I am. However, our situations are different from mine growing up and your sons are truly lucky to have a you as their rock!
There is so much all of our mlc situations have in common its eerie. Yeah, what's up with the pillow thing? I think others have mentioned it too, it must be hard-wired in their brains. I think your h saying you kicked him out is him making you to be the bad guy for his own mind's sake. I know my w played a similar tune. And yes, maybe it is better we don't see them moving out but it is faint-hearted. I guess it shows how hurt our spouses really are, they don't have the tools they need. After the sting, it's little things like not having our friend's baking dish that I used a lot or d's microphone stand (she was looking for it here and only used it with me) that still upset me though.
Following your thread too and you've got good advice. Will be thinking of you, Take care!
Kinda weird but I got out my laptop to reply last night. I saved an old picture with our friend that I got off our old hard drive after our friend passed to the desktop. I opened it and there was a lady in it that now I can see was in mlc. She was a client where they worked and prob 20 years older than w and friends and was including herself in their plans all the time. They all thought it was bizairre and her behaviour was ridiculous. I remember being embarrassed when she was out with us. Now w has become her! I wish w could see that. Nothing to talk about really, just struck me as strange.
Not much new but I'm seeing mlc spaciness in full swing. S got picked to be in the school talent show which was yesterday. W sent me a picture of a form from school 2-3 weeks ago with the times and his was in the morning. I had a big work meeting for a contract coming up and I scheduled it and meeting with people to travel around it so I could leave immediately after he was done. I left work early and went to the school it started and I never saw w come in and s wasn't on the program. I double checked the picture she sent and texted her part way through it to see what was up. She texted back telling me he was in the afternoon session, I told her the form she sent said the morning. She said she was sorry but she thought she told me about it changing times Saturday morning when she was over. I didn't argue or make anything of it but I know she didn't. I even asked her to watch the dogs and told her I had to leave at noon right after etc., frustrating but we texted a bit keeping everything friendly. We texted a little while I was traveling too and she emailed me a video. Her texts were nicer again with lol, !s, etc.
I saw it Last weekend too, when I went with them to the show, she took a long way to get there, then when bringing me home drove by the exit, not noticing until I told her, and had to turn around. She really is forgetful/spacey right now.
She texted this afternoon to ask when I'd be home. I texted back to let her know it would be soon and to thank her for watching the dogs, and again later for the video after I got home since I had to use a computer to watch it. She told me the kids had dr appts today so we texted a little about that too.
After I called them tonight she texted me again to tell me they were tired because she had to get up early to take care of a lot of things. I validated and we texted just a bit.
She's communicating with me a lot more still and it's nicer. I could also tell she hung out in the house a bit when I was gone. I think that is probably a good thing. Still keeping my expectations low but hopefully the kindness is giving her something to think about.
Yes, they become spacey and forgetful during the crisis. It's like they zone out for a bit and are just floating in outer space. It's the depression.
I see a lot of baby steps in your posting. By treating her as a friend and keeping your expectations at zero, she's warming up a bit. Keep dropping those friendship kibbles so that she can come along and gobble them up.
Keep digging for patience. This is a long trip, but you are doing a great job!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've kept up with the friendly texts, trying to keep my expectations low but it's hard.
We had good text conversations last week, nothing long, mostly friendly small talk referring to the kids. I wasn't sure about it but I invited w to go up in the mountains hiking or fishing (whichever the kids picked) this weekend. Her reply was "oh really? I already have plans otherwise I would:(" Then a couple minutes later she sent another thanking me for inviting her and said "maybe next time!" I told her I'd send pics. The next day she texted to tell me she left the car seats in the garage with some small talk and told me the kids bedroom doors I was painting in the garage looked nice and more small talk. Over the weekend we had more small talk and I sent pics of us fishing and the kids haircuts then kids playing d's made up ice cube trampoline stick hockey game (they've been getting into the playoffs watching with me) and things were nice and friendly. Later she sent pictures of some character pillows she bought and asked me to show them. I validated and built up their response and more small talk.
Then yesterday I sent another pic of the kids fishing and got a short response. She didn't send their lunch boxes and I asked if I could get them last night and she said she wasn't in town, I know it was partially me but I think her tone changed.
Also, last week she emailed me and asked if I had any ideas for the kids and this summer because she didn't know what to do. I told her I'd check with a friend of my mom's because she had a younger d that might be interested in watching them and she thought it was a good idea. Then Friday she asked what I wanted to do for a summer schedule. I said that I thought every other week was good and fair and normal for the situation. Then no reply to email until this morning. She said she thought every other week was too stressful for the kids and from what she's heard that's not normal and too much. This kills me, the kids were asking me why we didn't get to hang out more , s said "why can't we switch like every other day" this weekend. And from what she's heard according to who? Lol, her lawyer, boss/coworkers, roommate, om? Her tune changed here for some reason too.
I told her I didn't think it was and what the kids said but not much more. I was frustrated and thought it was best to not say much. Then she replied more of the same and tried to make my work travel a bigger issue than it is. I haven't replied yet. Not sure what to say yet.
D had her kindergarten program today so I had to put my frustration aside. I sat by w and startled her when I sat down, she didn't even notice me walk by 2 feet in front of her. Kept it friendly and took kids after school to exchange s's shoes I got him yesterday because he said they hurt this morning. I took them got ice cream after and texted w to see if she wanted anything. She didn't reply in time so I got her something. I think she was surprised. She came over and was here a little while but acting different, ate her ice cream though. Then tonight I texted to have her let me know when it was a good time to say goodnight to the kids and she was nice again. Then I told her I was supposed to meet the babysitter and her mom later this week and to see if she wanted to also and no reply, weird....she's so "worried" about the schedule and what's good for them but didn't respond to that?
I'm trying to understand why she's trying to keep them from me yet knows I'm a great dad. Control, somehow protecting her child self from her parents, jealous? This was upsetting today but I'm trying to stay positive and kill her with kindness.
Ugh.. her craziness is in full swing again. IDK how to handle this. As I mentioned above, she asked me about what I wanted to do for this summer's schedule and we were being friendly. Now she's telling me it's too difficult for the kids to do every other week. Really? but her running around cheating, staying out getting drunk, breaking up the family, taking them from me, moving out leaving the house like a deadbeat renter, focused on money of all else is fine for them...sorry for the rant, it's what I want to tell her but know I can't, very frustrated today and need to get some of this out.
I did email her back this morning and told her that I haven't come across anything about every other week being a problem and that there shouldn't be any issue with us sharing time equally. I also told her the kids asked to spend more time with me this weekend and it's sad. crickets
I also texted her this morning about meeting the babysitter just to see if she got it because I think that would be important and that she'd want to meet her. She said yes she got it but she forgot to text back. Then told me she "trusts my judgment on who would watch them on my time." Through last week's texts we had discussed having the babysitter come to my house to watch them this summer so they had the yard, trampoline, pool, greenway, school playground, etc., now she's saying on my time and not wanting to give me any, acting like she's doing me some favor my giving any time to me. I guess she expects them to sit in her house with a sitter because the kids tell me the yard has too much dog poop to play, and they told me this weekend her roommate got another dog, wow that's great.
So she went off to OM's this weekend and has a big attitude change. I also think she's talking to her boss and/or attorney (met her through her boss) and they're all nuts as far as I can see. They haven't suggested to her to help herself, just go out drinking and leave your family at home, and I have to assume they know about OM and her too. Something seems to have happened since last week. I texted her I was confused about this as it's not what we had been talking about...no response.
So now IDK how to arrange my babysitter when I don't even know a schedule, when, or how long I'll have them, or if she'll even still be interested. She might need something more steady.
IDK what to do about this now or how to respond to w. She didn't get her way and now she's trying to take the kids from me. So frustrating. Sorry again for the rants, I just can't believe this!
Job, thank you for bringing up the do's and don'ts thread. I needed to read that today! Trying to stay positive and keep my head.
Sorry in advance, I feel stupid talking about my texts/emails like this but I am anyway, just typing it helps.
Tonight she texted me and said she just saw my text from this morning and she didn't know what I was talking about with the sitter. I reread my emails to make sure I'm not crazy (well rereading above obviously I am) and I just replied why I thought that (vaguely) and then said there was miscommunication. Her next couple of texts were then friendly.
She also emailed (IDK why we can't stick to one form of communication)about our schedule, telling me how every other week was too hard on the kids. She suggested we alternate having them 2 weeks at a time over the summer and that she talked to them and that's what they want (oh my) and that she didn't want to spend all her time traveling (IDK where she's planning on going, and that often since I said I was more than willing to be flexible for that sort of thing).
Is every other week really unreasonable or hard on them? I would think 2 weeks would be harder, plus what kind of parent wouldn't want see their kid for 2 weeks at a time!? Our current schedule tears me up. She's dead set on it. I haven't replied yet.
I'm trying not to give OM sitch any of my energy but I think maybe she wants the time to go there because he is 7 hours away(she thinks they are going to take over the state with their business, ugh...it's like a teenager believing the spiel of a scumbag, sad and disgusting). She also knows this schedule could potentially give me trouble at work which would give her leverage in custody. All this worries me because of her wanting to move there to work with him. I don't even want to think of this or her taking the kids there but I think I'm stupid if I don't. She claims it's all about the kids but I know who she's looking out for first. She also said she doesn't need any sitter/daycare for her 2 weeks so I guess she's only going to work every other 2 weeks!?
I don't want to quit DBing but I need to look out for my kids first and foremost. Still planning on keeping up with the kindness but wow, it's sure hard sometimes. Is every other week really hard on kids? I haven't found anything on it searching and I think it is her lawyer's input. IDT it is but I'm questioning myself since I'm feeling like I'm losing it. Should I just agree to the 2 weeks? I don't want to fight a battle I can't win with her but I have legitimate concerns as I mentioned above. I'm afraid if I try to stick to every other week she will turn nasty and try to take my time away, then I'll be waiting on the mercy of the court. It's how her family operates and how she's turned.
lol, !s, etc. 