Buttrfly, I hope I'm doing better than I think. I've felt tight as a guitar string about to break on and off this week. You're so right, this drains all three aspects of a well-rounded person; mind, body, and soul.
My last couple days have been extra stressful (run in with some random jerk, legal stuff, financial surprises, toll lane bill when the only reason we have to take it is to go to the airport, kids behaving bad when I got them yesterday, kids telling me about their other house how there was too much dog poop to play in the yard and being upset their mom put their stuff in storage, hearing man in background when w called kids, etc) then before bed last night d got out her backpack, told me she missed me, and gave me a picture with a big heart that said "I love you" and had our names and love written in the heart. It melted me and it all seemed to go away.
Bttrfly, I thought about you today because there was a big butterfly on the garage door this morning (funny, ive noticed a crow hanging in the yard a few times since reading ciluzens thread too). The butterfly climbed on my finger and the kids and I took turns having it on our hands. It never did fly off. S told me what kind it was and all kinds of facts about them, it was amazing how much he knew!
Esame, I've been reading your thread and I'm sorry about your sitch, I can really relate. On top of all the similar/same mlc issues, things for my fil are not looking good and w has distanced from me more than ever. I want to be there for her but she's gone and I'm not sure what to do. Idt she's even told her parents what's going on and I don't want to add to their stress. I too am a bit of a loner. I didn't realize how much I depended on w for social things, even for contact with our mutual friends.
The kids school is great, were fortunate to have them in a small school near my house that has been awesome for us. Everyone there knows my kids and loves having them. Both the kids' teachers thanked me for coming in and told me a few things going on and said it made a lot of sense now that they knew but that acedemically they were both still way ahead:) I found out they're registered for next year ( I was out of town that week) so it made me feel a little better about my fear of her taking off but not much.
Job, as always thank you! I haven't been speaking to w about anything really, I've just sent some pics when I have the kids. Idk if I should even do that but I don't say anything with them, just pictures. I really wonder what she has told her. Amongst other things she sent my lawyer an email she needed to discuss my facebook, etc. my lawyer replied she didn't know what she was talking about because I don't have facebook. Her reply was that she had cases mixed up.
Kids and I had a great day, I think they were extremely tired and needed some good sleep and outdoor excersise. Today was much better than after I picked them up yesterday and they seem to have gotten back into the swing of things with me here. Looking forward to tomorrow.
Take care everyone, I hope you're all having a good weekend!
Hi Kyh Loved your visit with the butterfly. Do you remember what kind it was?
You seem to be settling into the new routine.. that's good. Sorry I haven't really been around. Hard few days here. The good news is every day gets a little tiny bit better. Right now, just keep your focus on what's best for the kids and breathing. In time, you will figure out what you want this new phase of your life to be like. For now, just keep breathing through it.
In terms of your in laws, I know it's awkward. My mil had a heart attack last August. I decided to go to the hospital, with flowers, to see if she needed anything. I'm glad I did. She was afraid to take a shower without someone in the room in case she needed help. She also had nothing to drink, and needed some other things that only family members really would understand. My mom had two surgeries in that hospital, so I knew the routine and that they stock a refreshment area for patients where families can get snacks and drinks for patients in between meals. They would bring her food, she would be really hungry, start to eat, then they would come two minutes later and drag her off for testing. She suffers from hypoglycemia and "doesn't like to bother anyone" ... boy am I glad I was able to get her some snacks, a pitcher of water, an extra blanket, help with the shower, etc. I haven't seen her since, talked on the phone a few times. We've never been close, but she's been part of my family for more than half my life and she's my son's grandmother. So, take from that what works for you. Hope it helps.
xoxoxo keep hanging in there you are doing better than you think.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
It was a yellow swallow tail, it was huge. It was so cool my s was teaching me about them.
Thanks for the advise about breathing through it, lately it's almost all I can do sometimes, day to day or minute to minute. I really feel like a maniac at times then snap out of it.
I think I am just going to stay out of things with in laws, it's sad but I think it's a lose lose for me here. I just don't want to come off like an insensitive jerk.
I think w is trying to get me to react the last few days. Tuesday it snowed a lot so I texted her to stop and get the kids snow boots etc. she saw her toll bill on the counter and texted to ask if it was mine. When I told her no she asked why I didn't put it with her mail. I told her I was just going to pay it and she got an attitude about it. I didn't say anything then I got a thank you an hour or so later. I didn't want to say I didn't trust her to pay it which is really why. It also looks like she went through some of my things when she was here but if I say something I know she'll deny it and try to make me out to be the bad guy again. Then tonight I never got a call from the kids so I texted and also asked about this weekend. Again I got a text with attitude, telling me the "kids requested a lights out already but she could have them call anyway real quick." They told me they were watching a movie lol.
Also, in one of her emails that is a couple weeks old she accused me of hurting her relationship with the kids telling me they've been calling her a "bad mommy" since she left and how she had to repair her image with them. I would never say anything remotely like this but of course it's my fault. It couldn't be that she's been out running around every weekend, moving them out, putting their stuff in storage, disrupting their security, etc. Well, when I had the kids last weekend I heard s say it in a baby talk voice (we have trouble with him and now d too talking that way because he is copying a kid at school). I told him not to say that and explained how it hurt her feelings, etc. then tried to talk to him about his feelings and asked if he was having trouble. He replied, she forgot my m&ms. Oh geez, I thought about telling her about him saying this and the baby talk with it as I think he brought it home from school but idk if I should say anything or just keep staying quiet. There's no being rational with her so I probably won't.
You are dong very well considering how things have been playing out in your situation. I think you are wise to distance yourself a bit from the in-laws for a while. Blood is always thicker than water and no one knows what they actually know about the situation and whether or not they believe her.
Yes, your wife is trying to get a reaction out of you with respect to the toll bill. She was shocked that you didn't say much about it. She had to think about it for a while before saying thank you.
She has a lot of guilt swirling around in her soul. She's trying to blame you for the relationship or lack of relationship thereof w/her kids. She doesn't want to accept that she's the reason the kids are having some issues w/her. Until she looks in the mirror and accepts responsibility for her actions, she'll continue to blame you, the kids and the man in the moon for her problems.
As for issues w/your children, it's best that you handle them when they are w/you. You'll never get your point across with her at this time. They are hearing that baby talk somewhere and I suspect your wife is encouraging it. Children don't normally fall back into that after a certain age.
I'm very sorry that things are still a bit all over the place, but you are doing a great job in meeting each obstacle head on. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I haven't posted for a little while but have been reading the threads every day. Over the last couple weeks I've had some trouble being in LBS replay, depressed and angry. I can't get it all off my mind and out of my dreams, it's been so consuming. I've also been having lots of dreams that w has come back which are also upsetting.
I was out of town this week and Thursday afternoon, on my way back, she asked if I wanted to take the kids that night. Well, I'm not going to say no, especially with her requested custody bs, so I hurried home 8 hours so I could get an hour or so time with them. Unfortunately it gave me a lot of time to stew and I realized it was cinco de mayo and she probably wanted to go out or had other plans. She promptly had the kids over to drop off when I got back (unlike her because she's always late) and I was so upset I could barely look at her or talk to her. Why am I humiliated when it's her actions to be ashamed of? My night didn't get much better because it upset me more that it takes about a day for the kids to get back into our normal swing of things and they test me constantly during that time. After they went to bed I let it out realizing I was nothing to come back to in this state. Why would she want an angry, bitter, or depressed h? I was driving her towards om. I think another part of this problem my feeling bad was Mother's Day coming up. I always made it special for w. Before all this she has been such a great mother to our kids; it's still unbelievable this has all happened.
Since me going cold wasn't working I decided to do a coaching session Friday. It helped me think of all the tools I've forgotten about. We talked about me needing to forgive her for my own sake and I realized I had angrily detached. Well, at least partially, I know I haven't completely detached and don't know if I ever really can, she was my best friend. In fact, I was going to take a family picture of us down but when I had it in my hands looking at it I was looking at another person that I feel died with our friend. I put it back up.
Since things have seemed go be getting worse lately (no to very little contact and more distancing) I decided to try something different than she would expect. The kids made her some things at school for Mother's Day and Friday after school we went and picked her out a nice piece of jewlry (something I did on the regular before the kids and marriage) and they painted the box.
She was pretty cold and didn't respond yesterday when I sent her some pics of the kids at family day at the museum which made my mind more crazy as she usually does but I tried not to let it get to me. We did joke just a bit last night texting after she talked to the kids when I texted to explain why she heard me yell when she was on the phone with them but I couldn't shake the feeling she was with om because of her delays and sloppy texts. I left for a minute and they put a whole new meaning to butt dialing and credit card call, and I had to give my phone a good bleaching! Lol
She came over this morning to get them for Mother's Day and I told her to come in to get them. I apologized for the other night and told her I didn't want her to feel unwelcome. I swapped car seats while she went in, unfortunately there was I suitcase in her car so I know I wasn't being crazy but I did my best to ignore it. She was dressed in a new short skirt and looked nice but really tired. When I came in she asked about her necklace, told me it was nice and she liked it, and thanked me. I told her happy Mother's Day and we talked a few minutes before they left. I struggled but managed to hold it in until they left then let it out. I kept busy fixing my car, doing some housework, and job hunting today.
Since what I've been doing hasn't been working, when she brought the kids back I asked if she would like to have dinner with us. She asked if I was sure it was okay and then agreed. She stayed around about 10-15 minutes while it was cooking but then said it was that time and she needed to go because there wasn't anything here for her. I got to talk to her just a bit about some safe things and ask about her dad during that time. She joked about my phone again too.
Even though she didn't stay for dinner I think it was a step in the right direction. When she picks up the kids d's hair and nails are done, both kids are dressed nice and happy, the house is clean, etc. as always. And this weekend she got jewelry and an offer for a nice dinner in spite of everything. Hopefully that gave her something to think about.
I hope you all had a great Mother's Day! I know all the moms here definitely deserve it. Take care.
Monday morning s was complaining he didn't feel good early in the morning . The kids always try to fake sick so I thought was doing the same and had him reading a book while I was in the shower, I heard him yell and he got sick in the living room. He was better a little later so I took him to work with me (I left early Friday because I had 16 hours of extra time in and got a call from a client that they needed a plan done asap so I promised it Monday and had to go in). I let w know and she said she would come get him in a bit. I got sick at work and had to go home too. W texted saying she was coming and then got an attitude when I told her we weren't there. I wonder if she was testing me because I Apologized and told her I was going to text when we got home and then she turned nice. She stopped by the house and I told her s could stay w me since we were both sick. She agreed and said she would come back later. In the meantime I got a call from the school and had to go get d too. It was sad, when I picked her up s said to her, the bad news is we're all sick but the good news is we get to go to dad's house:(
When I texted to let w know she got an attitude again about why the school called me and not her, and went on. I stayed calm and then she turned nice again. She came by later in the afternoon to get them and stayed for an hour or so. When she wanted to leave s started crying, it was obvious he wanted to stay but idk if it hit her through the fog.
She had them home the next day too. I told her to let me know if she needed anything, etc. and I hoped she didn't get it. Since then she's been texting me about little things every day and we even briefly spoke on the phone a few times. I didn't get one text from her and she got a little defensive when I told her because I didn't know what she was talking about. Then she sent me screen shots. I told her it wasn't a big deal and no worries. Then she got nice again. She's also started using exclamations and faces in her texts instead of stone cold minimal words. Last night she called after I talked to the kids to tell me sorry they hung up abruptly and tonight she texted after I talked to them. I wished her a good night and she did the same back.
I'm not having any expectations or getting my hopes up but this change has been nice. I'm trying to to seem to be pursuing, etc. but trying being a little more interactive without overdoing it.
I hope that everyone has recovered from being sick and looking forward to the weekend.
I think that when you treat your w as a friend and keep to safe topics, such as the children and not have expectations, she tends to warm up a bit towards you. I would continue as you have been and keep those expectations very low, almost to zero. Can you treat her as a friend and not expect her to act like the old wife? If you can do that, she may very well warm up even more towards you and the family.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job. It will be hard but I have to keep trying to treat her as a friend without expecting her to act as old w at this point. I can't keep living like I was and things certainly weren't getting any better. The thing is, around b drop time she told me I was a good person amongst other things and she thought we could be really good friends, totally not realizing she doesn't treat her other friends like poop and how bad she was hurting me.
She texted me again tonight to bring me the credit card she swore she didn't have (she found it) and to see if she got any mail. I didn't tell her I canceled it since she got a letter today anyway and I think if I told her I canceled it she would react badly. She said she would stop tomorrow. More incentive to keep this up! Just remembering not to have any expectations and keep being the h she'd be a fool to leave.
Hi Kyh, I'm sorry about what you are going through. I'm in a similar situation with my husband. But the friendlier I behave the more surprised he is and it makes him avoid me even more. He shouted at me that at first he's the bad one and now I'm nice to him and he doesn't know what to expect. Since he says he wants our marriage to end and that's it, he is running away every time he's around me. So, I decided I will have no contact except e-mail about kids, very factual. I didn't contact him for a few days. Then he started to e-mail. He is coming to cook for kids today and take them to tennis. I'll make sure I won't be home before he comes. Our kids are teenagers which makes no contact (or rather very limited contact easier). What is your story? For how long this is going on? You must be a very nice person. My husband ignored Mother's Day. When I mentioned to him that he could at least say happy M's day as we spent the day together driving back home from a long weekend with the kids in our home country, he said he would even buy flowers and took us for dinner if he could be sure I didn't misundertand that as him wanting to be back with me!!! I personally cannot or don't want to be friends with my husband. Love him too much to be able to be friends. Especially that he sees himself married with 20 years younger girl (he is her boss) in the near future... Being friends would mean that he'll get the best from both worlds. So what would be his motivation to consider coming back?
