Starting to Piece my M back together

[tjcran]

LiM,

When I read your most recent post, what pops into my mind is to always talk about the good times. Years from now when the day to day drudgery is solidly a part of your lives telling your partner that you think about those crazy sexy times and that you still crave her in that way would be really affirming. I think we all, but women more so, need to know that we are desirable.

[doodler]

LiM,

I know I'm a terribly weak guy, but d@mn, I think if I were in your shoes I'd have to stay in that fantasy world for quite a while.

Great job on the DB stuff; you're my hero.

[Stormchaser]

But I'm realizing now that she's moved from one fantasy world with OM back into a fantasy world with me.

So - is this good or bad in your eyes?

My W has been home close to 7 weeks now. The HB (hysterical bonding) has waned, but the sex continues to be magical.

Of course, the mind movies...."is she this wild because of OM? What ELSE did they do that I wanna do..."

Do you get this, LiM? The mind movies?

However, my W has been continually impressing me. I'll give another good example: We recently got new phones, we joined the dark side and got iPhones. We are making new starts with everything - her old phone went in the fireplace, because it reminded me of when she would lock it and have her nice conversations with OM on it.

I check her phone but rarely now. There is no new hidden app or anything sneaky like the old phone. However, one night I decided to do a cursory check and BAM - it was locked. She was in bed. I immediately went upstairs and turned on every light and DEMANDED an explanation. She immediately told me the password and then started arguing back - telling me the phone did some kind of reboot and it during the rebooting cycle it wanted a lock screen password, so she put one in, not thinking anything else. She apologized but then got defensive, telling me the marriage is over, why am I checking her phone, we'll never move past this, etc....

But the next day things calmed down (now it takes about a day for a fight to settle, not a week) and she texted me another apology and things have been smooth. I hate being this sensitive, but the only thing that helps now is time.

[LiM]

But I'm realizing now that she's moved from one fantasy world with OM back into a fantasy world with me.

So - is this good or bad in your eyes?

Well, for right now, its good. Its great. Who doesn't want to live a fantasy and make those memories? But the problem is that my W has the mind of an addict. What happens when this "fantasy" fades and we begin to move back into a more "normal" life that involves cleaning the house, doing laundry and kids that argue? That's real life. You can't avoid it. Doest mean you can continue to do special things for each other and continue to make new memories but living in a fantasy isn't sustainable. That's why most A's fizzle out. So what happens in my W's addict mind when life becomes routine again?

The first couple of times we had sex, the OM was definitely in my head. But not so much anymore. The thing that bothers me though is about how she behaved with him. My W has always been very reserved and the opposite of adventurous. And she was NOT that way with OM. She did things with him that would have gotten me kicked out of the house had I even suggested some of the things they did. The sex has been amazing and we are connecting physically and emotionally like we never have before. But who was this person having the A with OM? Was that just my temporarily insane W? Or was that really my W and she's still holding back with me because although things are much better between us sexually, she is NOT the person she was with him. I like the idea of who she was with him. I would have always been willing to be that way with her. But if we are that way together, would she end up thinking of him? Would I end up doing things just like he did? Would I end up liking the same things he did? That's revolting to me so its a double edged sword.

[Stormchaser]

I like the idea of who she was with him. I would have always been willing to be that way with her. But if we are that way together, would she end up thinking of him? Would I end up doing things just like he did? Would I end up liking the same things he did? That's revolting to me so its a double edged sword.

In my case, I really don't know what they did sexually, so I can't say. (I probably don't wanna know either). However, about a week ago, I tried something with her - sexting. Something I've ALWAYS tried to do with her, but she was really reserved. She told me her and OM did that a lot. So when I tried it, she stopped. I almost blurted out, "oh, so you had no problem with HIM, but you do with me, your husband?"

Luckily, (and I think your W feels the same way), she told me that it brought back terrible memories. Memories she'd just as soon forget. And she told me that in time, we WILL do that, just not now. She wants to feel closer, wants to do it because she really wants to, not because she's in some kind of people pleasing mode, which got her into trouble in the first place.

And now that our phones have facetime, she did flirt with me at work, and we'll say it was quite pleasing.

I just hope she doesn't get any ideas with facetime with anyone else. :-(

[Stormchaser]

Bumping this to see how things are going with you, LiM.

[LiM]

Update on my sitch,

As I think I've mentioned previously, my W and OM's W have carried on an odd relationship where they would text each other. I've told my W that i didn't think that was appropriate and that would actually be an impediment to either couple being able to heal properly. Well yesterday, my W laid down boundary after a couple of things happened and I'm proud that she took that step.

Last week OM's W sent my wife a long text where she outlined a long list of very specific (sexual) things that my W had done with OM and after each one, said that she forgave my W for it. But that was very odd to me because OM's W had already forgiven my W for the A. So if the forgiveness was real, why is there a need to continue to bring everything back up in a way that is almost throwing everything back in my W's face? Then yesterday, OM sent my W a message (and she told me about it). She allowed me to read it when I asked but I had to put it down after just the first two sentences. I realized it was something that I didn't need or want to see. I think the gist of it was he was saying that everything was a lie and was really blaming my W for a lot of what happened. He told my W that she should not be "waiting on him or holding out any hope." Its weird that he would say that because my W had been telling his W that we were going on dates, going to church, working on our issues and actually getting back to a really good place. There has been no contact between them (no phone calls, texts, FB, anything) since all of this went down so there was no reason for him to think that my W was "waiting" on him. Its kinda like he wrote that to himself and not my W. There is very much an air of self righteousness coming out of this other couple and especially OM. Sorry, but it takes two to tango a$$ hat. He is just as much to blame as my W. I think my W is starting to see his true nature and its ugly.

On Monday, my W met with her IC and told her about the text from OM's W. She also sent that text to a close friend for feedback. Both people told my W that OM's W is way out of bounds and that the relationship is completely inappropriate. After W got the text from OM yesterday, I think it finally all sunk in and she sent a message to both of them telling them to never contact her again.

I see that she is truly horrified by what she has done and how much it has hurt me. She apologized to me again yesterday. She told me that she was sorry for not seeing the "real" me. She thanked me for my strength and for fighting for her and our M even when she didn't deserve it. She told me that she wouldn't have had the strength to do the same for me if the roles were reversed and that she realizes how amazing it is that I was able to do that. She said that she is seeing the incredible person that I am and how much she took me for granted.

She's writing apology letters to a couple of my close friends that have been my support system through this. She technically doesn't owe them an apology because the act wasn't against them. They were hurt indirectly because of the pain they had to experience through me. But I think it can be an amazing testimony to our faith and our resolve to fix our marriage. I believe we will also be sitting down with her parents and telling them everything too for the same reasons. But that is her call if she wants to do that.
She is now open to going to MC. I gave her the intake paperwork for the MC I was referred to.

She has now brought up the idea of moving back into our home. At first she said she was waiting for ME to ask her to come back and I told her "No, YOU need to tell me when you are ready to come back and then I will tell you if that is ok or not." Of course, I want her back in the house yesterday but I want her to make that decision. I don't want her to feel that I begged her or forced her back. I want her to CHOOSE me. And of course, starting MC must occur before she can come back.

[JksD]

OM and OMW'S self righteousness are prob their way of coping with the A. But you do wonder if OM will get into another A again since nothing seems to be his fault.

Then again, aren't you glad that their self-righteousness has helped your W see through the fog and you didn't have to do the dirty job?

Someone up there is looking out for you, LIM.

Wrt W's moving back in, I feel that both of you will have to be comfortable with the decision. I may be reading this wrong but now it seems to be kinda of being afraid that whoever blinks first lose?

If you feel that you can't come to a decision, then maybe you should just put it on hold first?

[LiM]

I do think that their self righteousness is their way of dealing with things. Maybe that will work for them but I don't think so. He's definitely rug sweeping with his W and she's letting him. But that's not my problem.
God is definitely looking out for us. My patience has allowed things to unfold in a way that lets my W see the good in me and the bad in him.
WRT to moving back in, its important that I not be seen as controlling. That's definitely something I've been in the past and that's not ok. Through all of this, I've tried to give her the time and space she needed and to let her make decisions that she felt were best for her. Doing that allowed the A to continue long after I thought it ended but now she has to deal with the pain and regret that decision has caused. I didn't force her one way or the other to do anything so she has only herself to blame for her decisions. I feel that I have to be careful about letting her back to easily. The A didn't end because she chose for it to end. It ended after I filed for D and OM confessed to his W (probably because he knew that I would be exposing it soon). So she needs to do the work to earn her place back in our M. She needs to prove that I am not plan B and that she want to be with me. She knows I love her and that I want her back. I've given her forgiveness and I don't throw things back in her face like OM and his W have done. But I still need to be DB'ing at this point. I need to be mysterious. I need to be behaving in a way that makes her desire me and want to pursue me. I can keep the road paved smooth for her but she's got to be willing to make the trip.

[doodler]

LiM,

It is awesome and inspiring how everything is coming together for you. I'll have to reread your thread for nuggets of wisdom.

Thanks for providing the update; I'm happy for you!